Sarah: Sometimes you find the most amazing old skool covers. And sometimes really awesome librarians and readers like Lady R. email you a heads up that, wow, yes, that is a teal headband. Did they have terry cloth back then? I had no idea!
So let's take a trip back in time with all of us here at Bitchery HQ, where the women were really, really, no, REALLY WE MEAN IT redheads, and the men were made more men-ful with the addition of teal.
RedHeadedGirl: Holy GOD. First off, I kinda want to read ALL of these.
Amanda: Ah, I miss the days where just the title of a book would make me uncomfortable.
Sarah: I can't take my eyes off that teal. It's the most magnetic thing on the cover, right after the tagline: His burning touch fired her need. Does she need a z-pack?
I think the teal is speaking to me. Shhhh.
RedHeadedGirl: I hope they manage to get off the ground before the random horse tramples them or whatever.
Amanda: If you experience any “burning touches,” please consult a physician.
Elyse: His burning touch, her fiery need… That sounds like vaginitis. Also those are some red trees.
Carrie: His Burning Touch Fired Her Need…. It's time to test for STD's!
Also known as: Death By Goldfish Swarm
Sarah: Isn't there a whole subset of historicals where her neck looks broken and he looks asleep? I think this cover is their leader. When they join together to form a cover rebellion, this cover will lead them into battle. After he wakes up and someone duct tapes her head on straight.
RedHeadedGirl: Is he trying to see if she has a pulse?
Amanda: I feel like we're about an inch of fabric away from a wardrobe malfunction.
Elyse: The cover from Colorado Jewel resembles a set piece from The Book of Mormon… “Hello my name is Elder Butt Fucking Naked. Did you know the clitoris is a holy sacred thing?”
Carrie: Nope, that's not where it is. No, really – it's not in her neck. Think lower.
Also, Sweetie, if you make a face like that, it will freeze that way
Sarah: If Colorado Jewel is the leader in the broken neck cover rebellion, this one is probably second in command, resentful of Colorado Jewel's leadership because, for God's sake, Silken Chains has broken necks and sleeping dudes PLUS floating horse heads AND fuchsia. Clearly it should be the leader, but alas, no, it's not.
RedHeadedGirl: There is something severely wrong with that horse headdress thing. Also I just bought this based on the cover alone.
Amanda: Wait…are they in the ocean? Where is his hand going?! Is he about to motorboat her?!! I am very uncomfortable.
Elyse: Why does the hero from Silken Chains have a flower arrangement blooming from his rectum? Are they taint lilies?
Unable to find a vase, Hans stuffed the bouquet he'd bought Beatrice in his favorite orifice.
Carrie: No, sorry, I've got nothing. I have to go lie down now. The shock, you know. The trauma.
Sarah: This cover needs more teal.
RedHeadedGirl: I don't know if I'm happy they didn't go with an obvious swan, or disappointed. That said, his ruffled PURPLE shirt totally makes the cover.
Amanda: If I didn't notice the ship in the background, I would have thought this was some new Cirque du Soleil high wire act. Also, I wonder what material her dress is made out of. My money's on lycra.
Elyse: I am fairly certain that the hero from the Elusive Swan is Prince Adam from HeMan
Carrie: OMG. I just can't. I can't even.
OK, here's the best my stunned mind can come up with:
Yup – that swan's elusive, alright.
Elyse: Wait… I can't stop looking at the Elusive Swan. It's like it has power over me. Is the ocean pink? Are they sailing on a fucking sea of Crystal Light?
Sarah: First, I presume this is a stepback because the title isn't on the cover. Or this book is so famous it doesn't need a name.
Second, IT'S MERIDA. It's Merida from 1994 romance cover land, but still.
I wonder what Merida would say about this cover.
RedHeadedGirl: Is she inviting someone to come help her brush her hair?
Amanda: Is it weird that I imagine this being The Childlike Empress all grown up? I sincerely hope she gives those locks a conditioning treatment every few months.
RedHeadedGirl: SHE DOES LOOK LIKE THE CHILD-LIKE EMPRESS ALL GROWN UP
Elyse: Can you imagine snaking her shower drain? No innuendo intended.
Carrie: Holding Out For a Hairdresser.
COVER SNARK! WOOT! I have to say that the “Elusive Swan” cover is my favorite, though I do dig the “grown-up Merida on a romance novel cover circa 1994” look, too. Maybe Merida ages in reverse? And a bit more slowly? Kind of like Athena – just appeared fully grown? IMHO, the best cover snark comes from the 80s and 90s. Those decades were the heyday of the fuchsia and crazysauce cover elements, man. I think the animal freaking the you-know-what out is my favorite of the Old Skool cover requirements, though. 😛
Also, the Merida book’s title is “Secret Jewel”. Whatever jewel is secret, it must be hidden in her hair.
Sorry to spam, but after looking at Sonya Pelton’s book covers on GoodReads, I think she could provide ample cover snark fodder all by her lonesome.
I can’t figure out if the guy on the cover Elusive Swan is wearing shorts or really tall boots. I think they also both fainted, while in the process of supporting the other person, who had just fainted.
Elusive Swan just messed me up about 10 different ways.
The least of which was me thinking that her elbow was a snazzy little pink handbag he had over his shoulder.
I also thought it said Elusive Susan… that font is a nightmare. Notice the V that curls over the U for no apparent reason.
I’d swear my mother had these exact books. I remember trying to peel off those corner hologram stickers. They don’t come off.
Is it just me or should Colorado Jewel be subtitled ‘Caring For Corpses’. It looks like a how-to for necrophiliacs.
These are the covers you can look at and keep finding new things on them. A whole world of discovery. I secretly love them.
I just realized that if you look at it sideways, the V in Elusive Swan makes… a swan! Amalie, there IS a reason!
I TOTALLY FINISHED SILKEN CHAINS THIS MORNING
You have no idea what BS is hidden by that cover. No. Idea.
Sorry, Elise, but the hero of Elusive Swan isn’t Prince Adam. I’m at least 97% sure that cover depicts Magic Earring Ken and Barbie.
Remember the “gay Ken doll” controversy of the early 90s? Yeah. Dead ringer.
“You have no idea what BS is hidden by that cover. No. Idea.”
@redheadedgirl You ARE going to share with us, right? RIGHT?!?
Because I am in the middle of a move and can’t afford the time (or money) to go chasing down the crazysauce myself. And I could *really* use some crazysauce right about now.
Lol! These are awesome in their cray cray. Captive Caress: aka “The Bad Touch”
So many of these are oooh look at ze boobies! Be mesmerized by the power of my boobies!
Even the guy in Elusive Swan wanted to give it a go. “Look wench! Look at my boobies!”
And that red head…oh my…Crystal Gale’s Scottish sister? (showing my age maybe?)Lol!
Those were the days, when the horse running rampant represented their unbridled love.
Of course there will be hoof prints all over their asses if they don’t stop making all those noises and scaring the horses.
Sorry, Elyse, innuendo taken nonetheless. *snicker*
I am fairly certain that the hero on Elusive Swan is the impossibly illicit love child of Dread Pirate Roberts and Ren McCormack from Footloose.
Also, I think Merida/Childlike Empress has more than a little Red Sonja in her blood (appropriate author name and all).
I totally though the pirate with the jaunty bandana was wearing cut off sweatpants, like he was all set to go jogging with teal headband dude as soon as their lady friends dozed off.
But those are boots. And those dudes need a nap as badly as their lady friends. It’s been a long hard cover shoot.
Or they find the bondage theme romance as tedious as I do.
I think the teal headband is actually Ultrasuede (remember that? or are you too young?)
The thing the heroine on the cover of Colorado Jewel is doing with her head? It’s what our black lab does if you scratch him under his collar. Sometimes he topples over in ecstasy. Which is clearly why the hero is bracing so hard. She’s toppling over with the ecstasy.
You’re welcome.
So Captive Caress is really a fanfic of Dr. Seuss’ Red Fish, Blue Fish? Why didn’t anyone tell me about this? 😉
In reference to the “Merida” like chick, how does she wipe, pray tell?
y’all crack me up
Is it okay if I bitch about a different set of covers?? I’m currently reading the Jackson series from Victoria Dahl. I’ve really enjoyed the books but the covers suck! The first book in the series is about an angry young women with spiky brown, purple and black hair who wears clunky black boots and has a ginormous attitude problem. Yet the girl on the cover looks like the typical homecoming princess wearing a pink tank top. Really?!? It has bugged me the entire series. And where are those those hot, rugged cowboys that she has writes about? The men on the covers look like they are underwear models. Really again ?!? These covers do not do these books justice. They need to find a new designer.
First, please, PLEASE do another post like this again. Not that I *need* more cover trauma nightmares, but I can’t resist. I CAN’T LOOK AWAY FROM THE CRAZY!
Also, “Elyse: The cover from Colorado Jewel resembles a set piece from The Book of Mormon… “Hello my name is Elder Butt Fucking Naked. Did you know the clitoris is a holy sacred thing?”
OH GOD. I can’t . . . LOL. I so love when others make fun of the LDS church and that was just AWESOME. Don’t judge why I love the jokes; it’s okay for me to laugh, I’m part of the church (technically; though I’m rarely there and . . . well, let’s not get into that. LOL)
I like to hope we’ve came a loooooong way with romance covers since these, but then I stumble upon a few (mostly self-pub) that make me cringe . . .
Enjoy,
TBQ
Was Richard Simmons the cover model for Captive Caress? If so, they did a fab job with photoshop.
Tip of the day: Do not eat tortilla chips while reading Cover Snark. Danger of choking too high.
I just stared at the W in swan for entirely too long trying to figure out if the font is made to look like swan heads. I want to say yes, but I’m not sure if my eyes are just suffering from some hopfully recoverable trauma from trying to take in all horrible.
I probably shouldn’t have been eating an apple while reading this. I almost choked no less than five times. I love the cover snark!
An SB Cover Snark post?!? Squee! This is how I fell in love with you in the first place 🙂 It’s like we’re an old married couple and you put on that shirt that made me so hot for you when we were teenagers… ahem.
Anyway – mad props to ocylott (comment 11) for that Ken & Barbie reference, double props if said commenter can find those dolls and re-create the cover (I sense a concept for a new tumblr page coming on)
Comment that earned the biggest snort laugh from me was Amanda’s confusion followed by discomfort on Silken Chains.
I’m glad to see the dead ringer for Richard Harris in his A Man Called Horse outfit has color coordinated his headband and his eyeshadow.
And as someone who is often told she has Merida hair, I feel that girl’s pain. Sweetheart, we have a rule – if you can sit on it, it’s time for a trim.
Here’s the deal with Silken Chains. Look at her expression. She is clearly trying to avoid his horrific dragon breath. All the good smells are at his butt with the flowers.
I think you’re all so overwhelmed by the teal headband that you didn’t even notice it’s feathered. We’re looking at a bloody blonde Native American man. *despairs*
oh gawd…taint flowers…. i laughed so hard, the dog fell off my lap….oh gawd…this post is awesome. bring more snark!
@Erin L – the cover title was probably hand lettered to look subtly like swans just to drive us crazy several decades later.
Ohhh swan font… I totally didn’t see it.
I guess it wouldn’t be ELUSIVE if the swanness jumped right out at you!
Part of me really misses these old skool covers with the overdone fonts, metallic/raised lettering, hologram stickers, lurid colors, big hair, and eyeshadow. Blue and purple eyeshadow. Even on the men. There’s not enough eyeshadow on modern covers. Sigh.
OMG! I’m pretty sure I read Elusive Swan at some point in adolescence… I don’t remember a thing about the story, but that cover is UNFORGETTABLE. I also feel some familiarity with Captive Caress… like maybe it was at my grandmother’s house? These covers bring back fond memories of pouring through her and my mother’s bookshelves and reading books I probably wasn’t supposed to.
Now that my tears have dried, I’m having a moment of empathy for the pre-digital-era art directors and their minions. Because when they did something colossally stupid, they couldn’t just delete the layer in photoshop. It was like:
Art director: “Hey, new kid! There wasn’t terry cloth during the Captive Caress age! And teal will be big during the Olivia Newton John era, but we ain’t there yet! Make it stop.”
Minion: “But I just spent seven hours inking this thing! And now you need me to hide a freaking swan on this next one before cocktail hour. So what’s it going to be?”
Art director: “Eh. Okay. I’m going out for a three martini lunch now. When you get to Silken Chains, can you make it look, like, silky? Make it soft. Maybe… soften her neck. Or something. Bye!”
Minion: “Softer neck… softer neck muscles… hmmm…”
I have this doubt, in ‘Elusive Swan’ it looks like he has short trousers, like cycling shorts, am I right? Or is there any boot I don’t see clearly on my little PC?
I have a certain amount of books from the eighties with this kind of covers. I’m so glad they are over! But at the same time I don’t know why I find something endearing in them. Could it be possible?
One thing is sure. They suggest passion and sex in each page, but I find those novels are not as steamy as they are nowadays. They promised you something they really didn’t give, misguiding completely those people who did not read this kind of book.
@ Susan: I agree! I think covers like this are FUN. So many romance cover now are pretty bland.
@Bona: I think that’s the irony of it: they advertised “SEXYTIMES FULL STEAM AHEAD!”. Perhaps nowadays we’re becoming more de-sensitized to the sexytimes, so it takes more for us to find it hot? Perhaps, at the time they were printed, these books were considered as steamy as advertised, and it’s just the way we are now so bombarded with sexual content across the spectrum (tv, ads, movies, books, etc) that makes it seem like these books aren’t quite as advertised? I mean, erotica is a huge market now, and easily obtainable thanks to ebooks.
@colorlessblue, well, c’mon! He was adopted into the tribe as an infant when his mother was taken captive after she besotted a powerful chieftain! He **grew up** Native American, blond hair and all. And the teal headdress just made him all the more special. 😉
How many of you tried to stretch your neck and look in the mirror, to see if those positions were possible? (raises hand)
And did you know that if you have a woman with a fairly lean neck, and she tips her head back all the way, and you take a photo from the right angle… The neck and chin look like a penis?
Yes, I learned all kinds of interesting things at art school.