Caption That Cover: Campire Edition

I cannot believe it's been a year since we've done a Caption That Cover. I'm so sorry! All those poor, bizarre covers, neglected and forlorn because we didn't properly add a layer of comedy to their wtfery. That ends now! 

Why?

Because I got this in my inbox: 

 

Most of the time, cover snark with Changeling Press is the very definition of shooting fish in a barrel. But when Brenda sent me this cover, it caught my attention not only because of the dangerous levels of hypoxia of the dude on the right, but also because of the near-human expressions. Well, not “near,” exactly.  Maybe “adjacent to human” is more accurate.

Brenda wrote:

“…[T]his cover kind of leaps out at me.  As creepy things do, like clowns in a Stephen King novel. 

There is major WTFuckery going on just as far as the crappy quality of the artwork goes.  This kind of goes back to the days of yore, when all of the Ellora's Cave books looked like this.  But even by those standards, this is bad, bad, bad. 

What totally makes it hysterical are the tags for it.  Apparently it is a paranormal, vampire, inter-racial, BDSM, romantic suspense, gay, action adventure novel.  None of which would even make me blink except when paired with this awful cover.  Could it possibly be a Caption This Cover participant?  All I can think of are titles involving the words “albino”, “speedo”, and “fivehead” because that thing is too big to be a forehead.”

Oh, yes. There is no doubt this cover needs captioning. And if you don't read the cover copy, there could be all manner of explanations for this pose(r).

So, it's time. Gird your loins and grab your snark because it's time to Caption That Cover: Campire Edition! They're not just vampires – or inter-racial, BDSM, romantic suspense, gay, action adventure vampires. Oh, no. They're so campy, they're Campires!

Here are the rules: 

Caption that cover in the comments, or via email, between now and Friday 28 February, 12pm.

Entries will be judged by yours truly on originality, execution, and showmanship – like Dance Fever, only with hypoxic vampires. If you'd like to voice your vote for the best caption in the comments, please do! Comments will close 12 noon Eastern (US) time, 28 February. Winners will be announced shortly afterward.

What do you win?

The winner will receive a $50 gift card to the bookstore of his or her choice, and the people's ovation and fame forever, and possibly also Adrian Zmed. I'm kidding about the Zmed part. Standard disclaimers apply: I'm not being compensated for this giveaway, except to carry the image of this cover permanently in my brainspace. Void where prohibited. Open to international residents were permissable by applicable law. All judging decision final. I do not accept hypoxic bribes, or shirtless bribes, either. Must be over 18 and wearing a Speedo to win. I kid again: wear whatever you want, but make sure you flex your abs. Dance Fever was the greatest show ever and I don't care if you disagree because I'm totally right. 

So, what's that dude on the right thinking? What about the dude on the left? Are their nipples sentient?! Caption That Cover!