Here is a text transcript of DBSA Podcast 72. A Quiz! With Highlanders, Billionaires, and Milk. You can listen to the mp3 here, or you can read on!
Many thanks to Garlicknitter, who is a transcribing badass, and who transcribed this for us!
Here are the books we discuss in this podcast, in case you want to learn more about them.
Sarah Wendell: Hello, and welcome to the first DBSA podcast of the new year, which I am told is 2014, although in publishing I think in publishing it’s probably already 2016. I’m Sarah Wendell from Smart Bitches, Trashy Books, and with me is Jane Litte from Dear Author, and it’s the 72nd episode of the Dear Bitches, Smart Authors podcast, which means it’s a perfect time for me to quiz Jane. This is really inappropriate; I hope you enjoy it!
This podcast is brought to you by Intermix, publisher of bestselling Erin McCarthy’s eBook Believe, a sexy romance of redemption, secrets, and seduction. The music you’re listening to was provided by Sassy Outwater, and I will have information about who this is and what it is and where you can buy it for your very, very own.
And now, without any further words, on with the podcast!
Sarah: Can I quiz you?
Jane: Oh, God. All right.
Sarah: I work really hard on these, so you have to be nice to me.
Sarah: ‘Cause, you know, because of my influence; people’s lives have been changed.
Sarah: Or, you know, somebody laughed really hard while they were driving and had to pull over, you know, one or the other.
Sarah: Okay, so I just want you to know that I only included one legal romance. So, question number 1: Which of the following is a real romance title? One of these is real; the rest of them are fake, okay?
Jane: All right.
Sarah: Lassie’s Last Stand, Vegas Highlander, X Marks the Scot, or BDSM with the Highlander?
Jane: It’s the first one.
Sarah: Lassie’s Last Stand?
Sarah: I’m sorry, it’s X Marks the Scot.
Jane: Oh, God!
Jane: You should be writing these, ‘cause that clearly should have been a title.
Sarah: I know! How is there not a Vegas Highlander either?
Jane: For, like, a Karen Hawkins book or something like that. I always get her and Karen Ranney mixed up, which is bad, because Karen Ranney writes serious, really meaty, gray historicals, and Hawkins writes these kind of fluffy, cloudy, cotton candy books.
Jane: And if you go into one of those books thinking it’s the other author…
Sarah: You’re going to be very disappointed.
Jane: And I’ll just say for the record, I only really like one of those authors. [laughs]
Sarah: Oh, okay.
Sarah: Suuure. So, yes, X Marks the Scot is a real book, and even though I don’t like Scottish romances, I kind of want to read it, because it’s, that’s what it’s called! How do you not want to read a book called X Marks the Scot? And it’s by Victoria Roberts, and it is a highland adventure. He was a highland rogue, wicked with a bow and just as wicked with the ladies. Of course he is! And, oh, the cover has so much gleaming man chest, it’s amazing.
Okay. Which of the following is not a romance series? Four of these are real; one of them is not. Okay?
Sarah: This is a hard one. Bad Boy Billionaires, The Billionaire Boys Club, Bad Boy Billionaire Bachelor Club, A Billionaire in Disguise, or BDSM Billionaire Club.
Jane: Billionaire in Disguise.
Sarah: No, that’s real!
Jane: Oh, my God!
Sarah: [laughs] Bad Boy Billionaires, Billionaire Boys Club, Bad Boy Billionaire Bachelor Club, and a Billionaire in Disguise are all real. BDSM Billionaire Club is not real to my knowledge, ‘cause I tried to find it. [laughs]
Jane: Well, clearly, someone – that 99 cent bundle is coming out on January 1st.
Sarah: It’s open. It’s open and willing, you guys; somebody can capitalize on that one.
Jane: I’m pretty sure I own all those bundles, too. [laughs]
Sarah: Yesss. What’s the one that’s been, like, in the top 100 for weeks now, the J. S. Scott one, The Billionaire’s Obsession?
Jane: No, you’re thinking about the Alpha Boy, Alpha Male, by Tawny Taylor?
Sarah: [laughs] No!
Jane: Here’s the deal with book, these book box sets – I can’t even talk anymore.
Sarah: Because there’s Bad Boy Billionaires just to warm up your mouth. Say Bad Boy Billionaires –
Jane: I don’t even know the first author of the stupid box set! So there’s ten books in it, but I only know it’s the box set with the Alpha title and Tawny Taylor.
Sarah: No, this is The Billionaire’s Obsession by J. S. Scott, and it’s been in the Kindle top 100 for months now.
Jane: I don’t know. I’m sure I bought it for 99 cents at some point.
Sarah: It’s still 99 cents; you can still buy it!
Jane: Yes, but Angie’s already mad at me!
Jane: She says I keep buying crap.
Sarah: [laughs] Well, you probably do! [laughs] There’s also The Billionaire’s Paradigm.
Jane: That sounds really boring.
Sarah: Yeah, The Billionaire’s Obsession, hot adult humor sex romance Kindle book.
Jane: [laughs] This book that I reviewed today for Dear Author by Nashoda Rose, I felt like that, like she did market research and she’s like, okay, everything that says new adult, rock star, bad boy, dark romance is selling. I – but people hate cliffhangers and trilogies, so I’m going to stick all of those concepts into one book. The first 30%’s going to be a dark romance. Then I’m going to have an emo, angsty new adult in the middle. And then I’m going to end it with a flash bang boom of a romantic suspense, and my hero’s going to be a rock star, underworld, illegal fighter.
Jane: Seriously, that was the entire book.
Jane: It was crazy.
Sarah: But was he a highlander?
Jane: No, he didn’t wear any kilts. I’m kind of disappointed. And he wasn’t a duke, either. I think that we’re miss – I think that there is a real need in the market, kind of a gap, between the dukes and the billionaires. We’ve got to smoosh that together.
Sarah: Billionaire dukes?
Jane: Bad boy billionaire dukes –
Together: With BDSM.
Jane: It doesn’t necessarily have to be BDSM, but he has to be, like, he has to –
Jane: — be tormented. Right. Because as a billionaire duke, there’s a lot of stuff to be sad about.
Sarah: What I really liked was the Elyssa Patrick duology, but it wasn’t the Elyssa Patrick story. The Maggie Robinson story.
Sarah: I really liked the setup, but the actual story fell really flat for me. Her, her book was a contemporary set in a snowstorm, ‘cause I’m a total sucker for people who get stuck in the snow. The hero is an actual viscount, but he didn’t actually have any money. He’s inherited a title, but he has no money, so he’s actually titled and English and a lord, and he’s visiting his aunt or great-aunt in Maine, and the heroine is the aunt’s personal assistant, and she’s trying to get onto the private island in Maine to deliver something, and they get stuck and they can’t – they’re stuck and they have to find shelter from the storm, and there’s snow, and I like snow. But I thought, Oh, that’s really cool, a contemporary hero who’s a, who’s a viscount who still has to work because he doesn’t have a lot of money, and he has inherited a giant pile of moldering rock that he can’t do anything with because it’s a historical building, but he can’t modernize it, but he can’t live in it either, ‘cause it’s cold and it’s moldy. It was a really interesting setup. I think we could totally do some billionaire dukes in the contemporary sense, especially if they’re brooding and angsty, because you can’t be happy if you have, you know, a billionaire or a duke attached to yourself. That thing would never make anyone happy.
Jane: Isn’t that the setup behind Megan Mulry’s books, A Royal Pain and whatever? ‘Cause I just included one of her books on one my daily deals, and it was about an earl.
Sarah: Oh, I didn’t see that!
Jane: And it’s a contemporary. They’re u –
Sarah: I did get one in the mail the other day, from Avon, I think. I have to go look at it.
Jane: But you enjoyed Elyssa Patrick’s contribution.
Sarah: I did! I did enjoy the Elyssa Patrick story. That was – okay, that was, usually you can’t write slapstick. It’s really hard to write slapstick and make it work, but she totally pulls it off, because the heroine is sort of in this weird position of wanting to be very open and not aggressive, but assertive about her attraction to her best friend, and so she wants to meet him at the door in a whipped cream bikini but then realizes that this is not a good idea, because whipped cream actually doesn’t stick to you as a, you know, decorative, you know, accessory? So, he walks in just as she’s decided this is a terrible idea, and, like, he hits her with the door, and it gets better from there. It’s hilarious because she actually pulled off writing physical comedy down. It’s really well done. Plus, instead of being total strangers who have to have a happy ever after in a short number of pages, these two have been friends for a long time, so what they’re negotiating is changing their relationship. I thought that was really well done, too. But I’m presuming that you’ve read it.
Jane: I did enjoy it. I think that she’s an underrated author, so hopefully more people will find her.
Sarah: She had, she definitely had some of the best writing of physical comedy, ‘cause that’s really hard to write down. It’s funny if you look at it, it’s funny if you film it, you don’t even need dialogue, but to write it down is very difficult, and she totally pulls it off. The opening scenes are hilarious, and it goes from there to a little bit of emotional angst, back to funny, back to angst, and the emotional journey of the hero is a lot harder for me than the emotional journal – journal, the emotional journal – the emotional journey of the heroine, but the degree of confidence and humor in the heroine totally made it work for me. She’s awesome. So I’ll have to link to that.
Okay. Are you ready for your next question?
Sarah: Okay. Which of the following is not a real book? So, one of these is fake, and the rest are real.
Sarah: “Second Opinion”, a sexy romantic billionaire BBW dominance-submissive short story; “Seduced by Mistake”, a sensual billionaire and interracial BWWM short story; “Secret Seduction”, an erotic billionaire interracial BBW dominance and submissive short story; or “A Saving Embrace”, a sexy interracial BWWM historical supernatural short story.
Jane: What’s the difference between a BBW and a BWW?
Sarah: An interracial BWWM is interracial black woman, white man, but BBW is big beautiful woman.
Jane: [laughs] This is like a Craigslist personal ad!
Sarah: A BMW is something very different.
Jane: [laughs] This is when you have to kneel before the car.
Sarah: That’s right! [laughs]
Jane: Then I run you over.
Sarah: Yes, ‘cause he’s a billionaire, he probably has something a little more expensive than a BMW, which is why he’s going to the BBWM.
Jane: Well, I think I have, I’m guessing that they’re all real.
Sarah: No, no, only one is, only one is fake. The rest of them are real.
Jane: Right. I kind of got lost in the mélange of letters –
Sarah: [laughs] I know!
Jane: — so I’m just going to go with the last one, ‘cause it has –
Sarah: “A Saving Embrace”, a sexy interracial BWWM historical supernatural short story?
Sarah: That’s real.
Jane: That’s real.
Sarah: [laughs] No, supernatural caught me because I haven’t seen that used in a title. No, the one that was fake, that I made up, was “Secret Seduction”, an erotic billionaire interracial BWWM dominance submissive short story.
Jane: Sounds like it – I think you should write all the books that you are talk –
Sarah: I think I should, too! The BDSM Billionaire Club?
Sarah: Yeah, I should totally be writing these. [snorts] ‘Cause, yeah, okay. All right.
And now, it’s time for descriptions. I have two descriptions, and then I have another Which One Is Not a Real Title? Okay.
Which of the following is a real holiday book, and which of the following is not a real holiday book? So, first description:
After putting business before pleasure, Cassie McPherson works hard for her family’s construction business. That might explain why she doesn’t have a date for the company Christmas party, but it doesn’t quite explain why she’s crazy enough to hire an escort for the date or – crazier still – why she’s dying to unwrap him like a present…
With whiskey-colored eyes and a killer smile, James is one gorgeous hunk who really knows how to fill out a tuxedo.
As an aside, are there men in the world who don’t look good in a tuxedo?
Sarah: Really? I have not seen this. I’m probably glad that I haven’t.
James charms everyone, including Cassie, and when the night ends, the party doesn’t stop as Cassie falls, literally, into his bed and James falls head over heels in love. Now he has to figure out a way to tell her the truth: he’s not an escort, he’s her family’s fiercest business rival, and all he wants for Christmas is her.
That’s book one. Or:
Two hours until quittin’ time, and Eleanor Nicholas is the last person left in the office on December 24th. Unable to leave without specific permission from her boss, she waits at her desk, watching all her friends update Facebook with travel adventures and vacation pictures, knowing she’s spending another holiday alone in her apartment.
When a mysterious janitor tells her that she has to evacuate the building and she needs to leave immediately, she goes to find her boss to tell him to leave, but what she discovers behind the boardroom door will change her life, and her overtime, forever.
Jane: Oh, my God! I want the second one to not be a real book.
Sarah: [laughs] You’re right, I made that one up.
Jane: Oh, thank God!
Sarah: [laughs] The first one is Hunk for the Holidays.
Jane: I think Avon publishes that, don’t they?
Sarah: I don’t know; I have to look. But I’m kind of taken by the title, Hunk for the Holidays, an erotic billionaire interracial BBM, WWM, BMW, WNYC, KDKA radio production.
All right. Which of the following is a real book? One of these is real, three of them are not. And then I’m going to hit you with legal romance because it’s so enjoyable.
Jane: Oh, my God.
Sarah: [laughs] Which of the following is real? White Waves: The Pirates Milk Maid, White Oceans: The Milkmaid on the Bounty, White River: A Milkmaid Runs Through It, or White Beach: A Smooth as Milk Summer Romance.
Jane: [incoherent noises]
Sarah: [laughs] I’m really sad this is over the phone and I can’t actually see your face. [laughs]
Jane: It’s a sad face.
Jane: Here, I’ll take a selfie.
Jane: Can I ask a question before we move on?
Sarah: Sure! Why do I torture you with milkmaid romance?
Jane: No. Why are there – what’s the fetish?
Sarah: Oh, breastfeeding.
Sarah: Breastfeeding is the fetish. I made the mistake of talking about this, and I got lots of people telling me all about it.
Jane: Like, on Twitter?
Jane: [laughs] That’s one conversation I’m never going to have on Twitter, because I don’t want to have those followers.
Sarah: [laughs] Yes, so, lactation fetish erotica is a – it is a Thing. There’s also forced breeding erotica, where –
Jane: Ech. I know about the forced breeding. Is, is the forced, is the milkmaid erotica for men or is it for women?
Sarah: I couldn’t tell you.
Jane: Anyway –
Sarah: So, we have White Waves: The Pirates Milk Maid, White Oceans: The Milkmaid on the Bounty, White River: A Milkmaid Runs Through It, or White Beach: Smooth as Milk.
Jane: I’m going to say A Milkmaid Runs Through It.
Sarah: Is the real one?
Jane: Is the f – Oh –
Sarah: One is real, one is real, and three are fake.
Jane: Oh, my lord. I’m going to guess the last one is real.
Sarah: White Beach: A Smooth as Milk Summer Romance?
Sarah: No, I’m sorry to say White Waves: The Pirates Milk Maid is real –
Sarah: — and I’m actually going to make you go and look at the cover, but here’s the thing: Pirates should have an apostrophe, but it doesn’t. So, if you type White Waves: The Pirates Milk Maid, this cover is so messed up, because, okay, so he’s, there’s a guy standing behind her, and his nipple is so erect it casts a shadow, and then there’s some piratical clip art just sort of on top of him, and he’s holding a sword across a woman’s throat, and she’s dressed as a bar wench, and I think it’s her hand, except that it’s bad Photoshop, is holding a glass of milk with ice out to the reader.
Jane: I must have, like, oh, here it is –
Sarah: It’s amazing!
Jane: I was going to say, I must have, like, a, a porn preventer, ‘cause I couldn’t pull it up.
Sarah: Oh, it’s amazing.
Jane: Okay, um –
Sarah: Yeah. And it’s The Pirates Milk Maid, but there’s no apostrophe, so it’s, you know, grammatically incorrect. This book is $2.99, it is 17 pages, it is 6,223 words. “This is hot milk maid lactation erotica and is only suitable of adults!”
Jane: Like, I can’t tell whether, is she holding the sword?
Sarah: No, he’s holding the sword, even though the elbow is coming out of her shoulder, but she’s holding the glass of milk. [laughs]
Jane: Is she lactating into the cup?
Sarah: I don’t know. [laughs] She’s a barmaid with a special physical condition. [laughs] Now I also wish I could see your face, ‘cause this is just amazing.
Jane: I’m reading it.
Sarah: Oh, and is it everything you hoped it would be?
Jane: Well –
Sarah: [laughs] Well – sort of?
Jane: I guess I, I didn’t really have a frame of reference for it, so I guess so?
Jane: Wow! It’s such a short excerpt! That’s probably best.
Sarah: Yes, that’s probably a good thing.
Jane: Okay! Any other things you –
Sarah: Yes, I have one more. It’s time for the legal romance.
Sarah: All right, ‘cause I’m really sad that there are not more romances tagged as legal romance. They’re kind of difficult to find.
Jane: So, I guess my question is, am I supposed to go by what’s the most improbable?
Sarah: [laughs] Well, one of these real, and one of these is fake, and so you have to (a) go by the one which seems like something that a person who is married to an attorney would make up, i.e. me, and which would be published as a potential romance by many people who very, know very little about the legal field. So, you ready?
Jane: I’m ready.
Sarah: All right. Description one:
Francine Howard is a first-year associate at one of the highest paying law firms in the country. They expect long hours, tireless dedication, but what she didn’t expect was the night hours were kept literally by vampires.
Gregory Voldestan is the managing partner, and he’s transfixed by the golden aura of his practice group’s new associate and knows she may be the key to ending his vampire’s curse, but within the confines of mortal and immortal laws, he cannot touch her, lest he risk eternal damnation.
Or, description number two:
Meghan Mattson resigns her summer associate job when she learns that her bipolar mother is a con artist…using Meghan’s name. Meghan convinces the Feds to drop the charges against her, but it ends her career.
On Dan Howard’s first day as a junior partner, he is amazed his paralegal is Meghan, Franklin Law’s star student. He’s thrilled to work with such a brilliant mind…and such an attractive woman.
As Dan and Meghan tackle a tricky case, they struggle to resist their mutual attraction. Even if senior partner Wallace Leith approves, others in the firm want to see them fail. Can their office romance bring them a fairy-tale ending?
Jane: So, of those two?
Sarah: Yes, one of them is real. Are you okay?
Jane: Well, I prefer it to be the latter one, and since that’s my preference, I’m going to guess that that’s the fake one.
Sarah: No, that’s the real one!
Sarah: [giggles] Although I was confused why someone whose mother was using her name would end her career, ‘cause she can actually verify that she didn’t do anything wrong.
Jane: Yeah, I mean, but, you know, reputation could be harmed.
Sarah: True. But then she gets hired as a paralegal. Like, why not leave all law altogether? That, that’s when, as a heroine, you need to go open, like, a cookie-baking business or a cupcake-baking business, or whatever baking businesses are most popular right now. You ever notice how many heroines, by the way, have baking businesses?
Jane: Yeah, or are dancers or are art gallery people.
Sarah: Yes. Who keep non-traditional hours and can do very strange things in the middle of the day. So, you did pretty well in the quiz. You got two right.
Sarah: Well done!
Sarah: [evil laugh] You know I have a lot of fun writing these.
Jane: Well, I’m glad.
Sarah: What is coming up for Dear Author next year?
Jane: The same old stuff –
Sarah: You’re going to talk about romances? Woohoo!
Jane: Reviews, opinion letters, stuff like that. Deals. Oh, we’re going to have a new website.
Jane: So –
Sarah: Are you excited about that?
Jane: I am. I’m not excited for everyone to be, like, oh, my God, I can’t find anything, why did you change this?
Sarah: [laughs] This is the most horrible web design ever!
Jane: Ever! Yeah, but I have to tell you, all the people won’t like the change, it’s not going to be changed back.
Sarah: [laughs] See, you have slowly and gradually adopted the Kissing Suzy Kolber attitude of “I’m not doing what you want unless you deserve it, and you don’t deserve it, so no.”
Jane: What? I’ve never met Suzy Kolber. Oh, oh –
Sarah: No, the blog.
Jane: Oh, yeah, God, I haven’t been to that site since forever.
Jane: Yeah, they have, they have this, you know what? If you don’t like it, fuck you. [laughs]
Sarah: Yep, too bad!
Jane: But that’s not me. I’m just saying, this is the direction of the internet now, and we’re just trying to stay relevant.
I, I, apparently the Wall Street Journal reads Dear Author, because they comment, they contacted one of my commenters about the Barnes & Noble article, and so I tweeted them, and I said, Well, I hope you mention Dear Author when you do your little Barnes & Noble article.
Jane: But let me tell you right now, that’s not going to happen.
Sarah: You don’t thinks so?
Jane: No, I don’t think so.
Sarah: Ah, bummer.
Sarah: And that’s all for this week’s episode. Oddly enough, the same things are true for 2014 for Smart Bitches as well. New design, same fun stuff, same inappropriate level of man titty, just like you always wanted!
The music you’re listening to was provided by Sassy Outwater. This is a song by Three Mile Stone, and it’s titled “Snug in the Blanket,” and if you’re on the east coast of the United States like I am, being snug in a blanket would be awesome, ‘cause we’re getting hella dump of snow, so I hope you are snug or in a blanket, or if it’s not cold where you are and it’s, like, holy hell hot, I hope you’re really cool, but either way, I hope you’re very snug.
If you like the podcast, you can subscribe to the feed, you can subscribe to us on iTunes, and you can email us, because it’s like the best thing ever! Our email address is SBJPodcast@gmail.com. You can also call and leave a message on our Google Voice number at 1-201-371-DBSA. Don’t forget to give us your name and where you’re calling from and how many inches of snow you’re getting this weekend.
This podcast is brought to you by Intermix, publisher of bestselling author Erin McCarthy’s new book, Believe. Phoenix is only two days out of jail when he meets Robin, a party girl with her own secret past. When the past collides with the present, who will find peace and who will be hurt? Don’t miss the newest eBook from Erin McCarthy, Believe, which is available January 21st wherever books are sold online.
I hope you enjoyed the quiz. I hope it was at least a little bit entertaining for you, as it was for me, because seriously, those are so much fun. Future podcasts will involve lots and lots of reader email because you’re awesome and you wrote us messages, and if you have suggestions of things you’d like us to talk about, you should email us! But until then, Happy New Year, and we wish you the very best of reading.