Y'all are funny. Did you know that? I am sure you did.
It's time to pick the winner for the If Wishes Were Earls… giveaway.
While using a widget is easier, reading everyone's answers is part of the fun, so I hope you enjoyed the old-style giveaway. There were many most excellent entries, but it's time to pick the winner.
Many of you would wish on earls for more reading time, which, yeah, I would totally do that. Many would be wearing pearls because (a) excellent rhyme and wealth reference and (b) pearls look good on a lot of people. Some went for practical, and some went for whimsical, but this was a very entertaining thread, so thank you for all of your entries!
If wishes were earls, I’d be upset.
Cause I’m not prepared to house them. Not yet.
The earls might be churls, or bastards or fakes.
It would make it a crapshoot, blowing candles on cakes
. I’d have to be careful when wishing on stars,
Since to haul around earls, I’d need phaetons, not cars.
I’d want dark, brooding Simon, or Devil, not Reggie,
Cause Reggies are nodcocks, and dull makes me edgy.
I really don’t care to manage strongholds or manors,
I’d have to hire help, or at least, estate planners.
And please don’t give me an earl with an abbey.
Since monastic ghosts make me cranky and crabby.
When it comes right down to it, I find I’m quite picky
About which earl I’d get, and that wicket gets sticky.
An earl in the hand is worth two in a castle.
But an underbred byblow would sure be a hassle.
I need dark, handsome looks and a good sense of humor
And no tragic secrets, either real, or just rumor.
Financially solvent, with excellent taste.
And not stuck up, or snobby, or concerned about caste.
If wishes were earls, I’d need just the one.
And we could make more (with our firstborn son).
If I have any extras, I’ll give them to you.
If wishes were earls, please make mine come true.
Well played, Kate! Please email me with your address so I can arrange the delivery of your prize! Woo too!
ETA: My mistake! I was meant to add the second place winner here, and skipped over it and put the 2nd place finisher in the wrong spot. Lord, that's just embarrassing. You'd think I'd never done this before. My apologies!
The winner of a $50 gc to the e-retailer of their choice (open internationally) is:
Actually, if wishes were Earls, daydreaming could get really messy. I mean, consider this scenario. You are lying in the bath, daydreaming, and wishing that you could just have a lazy evening and – bang! Suddenly there is an Earl in your bathroom! Which is really quite embarrassing, though he is tall and blond and handsome and he has a glint in his eye, so you get distracted and it doesn’t occur to you to consider where this Earl came from in the first place, which is a bad thing, because you wake up rather later in a very good mood, wishing that this could last forever, and – crash! There’s another Earl in your bedroom, and he is dark and sardonic and rakish, with a wicked appeal, but this isn’t as good as it sounds because the first Earl also wakes up, and it turns out that he and the second Earl are mortal enemies (some business to do with a debutante and a stocking), and there’s a lot of posturing and possibly threats of a duel and you wish that they’d both just show some sense and stop being Alph-holes and zing! Another Earl! And he has hazel eyes and red hair and a cheeky grin, but you are beginning to get cross now, because you actually didn’t get a lot of sleep last night and you have three Earls shouting at each other in your bedroom early in the morning and really, you just wish that the three of them would all get…
Yeah. And suddenly it’s a whole different romance novel.
Best not, really.
And now, the runners up. It wouldn't be a Smart Bitches contest if we didn't acknowledge and highlight some of the most entertaining answers. Here are the runners up, who are most witty and excellent and deserving of wishful earls.
Some of you went for the obvious – and the funny:
If wishes were earls there’s be a sudden massive population boom as all these titled men popped into existence each time somebody said something like “I wish I had a candy bar right now” And whether that is a good thing I suppose depends on how good looking your particular wish-earl happened to be -you know some of them are likely to be short and squat and have bad breath. But the charming ones are well worth trying for.
If wishes were earls… MY NAME IS EARL would have been a much, much different show!
Some went for poetics and rhyme:
If wishes were earls… then I’d be a cover girl… with endless martini’s to swirl.
If wishes were earls, every last churl
would dwell in a higher estate
and in every last nook, we’d abandon the book
for a repast of nobles, and cake!
Some went for adorableness:
If Wishes Were Earls… My husband’s middle name is Earl, so it looks like I got my wish!
So here is my entry, please try to be kind,
I am not a poet, something to keep in mind.
If wishes were Earls, I would not be at home, no longer reading of English homes of stone.
I would be at the manor outside of Shrewsbury, a newly minted Countess, that will be me.
Living a life that includes servants and going to balls, no more working in my pj’s and daily conference calls.
But maybe the coffers these days are a bit bare, I will take my job with me and keep designing software.
My wished for Earl and I will be quite glad, as we resticate in the county with our new iPad.
If Wishes Were Earls
I would be one of those girls,
who stands on the ballroom sideline,
cup in hand filled with wine,
shifting in my corset, laced too tight,
complaining it doesn’t fit quite right.
And then, my Earl, flashing his pearly whites,
will swagger into my line of sight.
He’ll ask for my company,
suggesting we take it to the balcony.
I’ll look shocked and shake my head.
He’ll be wishing he’d been less forward instead.
But I’ll quickly grab him by the hand.
I’ll say, “I think you misunderstand.
I would hate to see you go.
Surely you must know,
Before you turn around and flee,
I much prefer the library.”
If wishes were Earls, there’d be a lot of single, young, handsome Dukes running amok in the Regency since mamas and daughters wouldn’t be after them!
Some went straight for funny and clever:
“If wishes were earls … then horses would ride.”
If wishes were earls, then we’d all be eating steak!
(Sorry, I had to go for the Firefly reference.)
If wishes were Earls, would pleasures be Kings?
Then wishes would frequently be found in compromised positions!
If wishes were Earls….I would be the only bigamist Countess in Maine.
From Wikipedia: “A wish is a hope or desire for something. Fictionally, wishes can be used as plot devices.” So if wishes were Earls, there’d be many more romance novels for me to read.
If wishes were Earls, kilted men with brogues would be a real life daily occurrence for me rather than a fictional one…
And some went for the practical:
If wishes were Earls, then my kids would probably be pretty disappointed with their Amazon “Earl” List.
If Wishes were Earls – my 7 year old could get her own hockey equipment on. No seriously – it’s that bad.
If wishes were earls, the subsequent population crisis would cause a catastrophic resource crash that would send the world hurtling into apocalyptic squalor, necessitating the wearing of leather pants and probably motorcycles.
Also, the price of tea would skyrocket.
If wishes were earls then beggars would ride. Clearly.
If wishes were Earls, would some titled gent of indeterminate age, character, appearance, and financial situation show up in my (very untidy) bedroom every time I smashed the snooze button and wished for just one more hour of sleep? Can I perhaps… have the extra sleep instead?
If wishes were earls, you’d have to be careful what you earl for.
If wishes were earls, I’d be living on a warm beach and have several of them bringing my drinks.
For the tech crowd:
If wishes were URLs, I’d be programming in PERL.
If wishes were Earls… Then everyone would be wishing for the same thing and there would be too few earls- my life would probably be the same.
If wishes were earls, I’m pretty sure the world would collapse under the weight of all that excess aristocracy. Or the earls would have to moonlight as wish-granting fairies or something, just to maintain their existence. Maybe this book is actually a paranormal historical..?
If Wishes Were Earls…the world would empower more girls!
Thank you to everyone who entered!