There are more books being published each day than I thought possible, and even more covers that make me confused.
Here are a few that have scrambled my brains recently. I keep staring at them, hoping they'll unfold and reveal the secrets of the universe.
There is nothing that says “Hot Firefighter Romance” like a badly Photoshopped puppy, right?
The more I stare at this, the less sense it makes. Where's his thumb? What is the puppy sitting on, a stocking? Half a heart-shaped pillow? A fabric model of a liver?
Why does whatever the puppy is sitting on cast a weird drop shadow on the fireman's abs?
Is the puppy ACTUALLY IN HIS PANTS? Or is he shapeshifting INTO a puppy?
Are those his pants? If so, why are they so much wider than he is? Or is he fighting fires in a wide, full-length, flame retardant skirt?
SO MANY QUESTIONS.
Poor Photoshopped puppy. He looks as confused as I am.
Then there's this one:
This one was brought to my attention by Jane from DearAuthor. I can't imagine why. There's such depth. Such detail in the background. So much to observe and ponder with this image. It's almost meditative, the number of questions of humankind's struggle that are invoked by this cover.
Such as, “How much did that manscaping hurt?” And, “Shouldn't there be peen shadow by now? Or at least a hint of peen?”
(I hope Febreze hops right on “Hint of Peen” and “Peen Shadow” as scents for disguising bathroom odors.)
I tweeted this one, but I didn't want you to miss this mullet because MULLET.
Aw, yeah. You know all the other mullets are bowing down to that one. They have to surrender their mullet cards and agree that his is the one true mullet. There's probably a Tumblr collection of gif sets just for that mullet.
And as I asked on Twitter, if that's the “sweeter version,” what does the savory version look like?
Mmm. Sweet Savory Mullet. That should totally be a snack food.
This cover was sent to me by Catherine. I figure, if a woman is growing out of your shoulder, you probably should do what she says.
Catherine's commentary, however, was even better:
The man on the left seems to have a woman growing out of his neck. Or possibly just a disembodied female head. My husband thinks that actually you can see both of her shoulders, but firstly, I don't think anyone's shoulders are that close together, and secondly, one of them appears to have a nipple. As well as being very phallic. Because every heroine needs a phallic nipple-enhanced shoulder…
(Actually, this is erotica, and I think paranormal, too, so maybe phallic nipple-enhanced shoulders really are de-rigeur and what the illustrator was aiming for.)
Also, I'm not too sure what is going on in the background, but in the right frame of mind – and yes, I am running a bit of a fever right now – it looks like a robed and horned ghost is holding a top hat in one hand and thinking about the moon.
You know, I think more covers need ghosts in top hats thinking about the moon. It can only improve things. When do we get “Firefighter puppies thinking about the moon?” I'd so read that.
A bonus, because I keep smiling every time I see this cover. It makes me silly happy:
“Hi. My name's Brody. My biceps don't fit in my truck.”
No kidding, dude. They're like a second set of side curtain airbags.