I did not learn about sex from romance novels, thank God, but I know a lot of women who (at least partially) did. I was fortunate enough to have a mother who treated sex in a completely matter of fact way–it was part of being an adult and there was no shame involved in discussing it. As a result, even at the tender age of fifteen I approached romance novel sex with some skepticism. When I first started reading romance the sex scenes were the sort of vague, purple-prose laden encounters that involved a lot of shattering into a million tiny pieces, flying apart into the sun, or the shimmering of colors behind closed eyelids. Basically it sounded a lot like a stroke and/or an acid trip. And the orgasms were always simultaneous.
Now there are as many different types of sex scenes as there are romance novels. Variety is a good thing, usually. But for every delicious Victoria Dahl or Maisey Yates bearded cowboy love-scene, there's also a sex scene out there that is either improbable, anatomically impossible or horrifically painful to think about. Below are the Big Ten things I hate in sex scenes. Brace yourself. And, obviously, this review contains strong language and adult situations and all that shit.
1. Velvet Covered Steel
No, that's not a name for a Glam Metal band. It's the description of every hero's erection ever. It's not bad, I'm just sick of reading it
2. Sex On a Horse
What the actual fuck, people. I read this a lot in Old Skool romances. I actually remember reading a book where the horse was “frightened by the scent of their lovemaking.” I wish I could remember which book, but I don't. Now, I agree that plenty of fondling or even a Handy-J could occur while on horseback, but actual intercourse? That is the most chill horse ever. Every horse I've ever ridden has waited for me to stop paying attention to try and brush me against a tree or something.
Plus how does that work? You'd have to a Russian gymnast and a trick rider to contort your body enough to stay on the horse and achieve penetration. And then you'd have to move. If I was a horse, I would not put up with that shit.
3. The Chinese Finger Trap
This is when the hero's peen is so goddamned big he has to work to get inside the heroine, then once he is in, the magical vadge doesn't want to let go. Example from The Immortal Highlander by Karen Marie Moning (which is actually a great book, BTW):
“Easy, Gabrielle. Relax,” he gritted.
She tried, but she couldn't; it was instinctive to resist, and they waged a silent sexual battle for a few moments, where he hardly gained another inch. Her muscles were bearing down on him, resisting his steely intrusion.
He sucked in a hissing breath through clenched teeth. “Gabrielle, you're killing me; you have to let me in.”
“I'm trying,” she wailed.
I know there are fetishes about putting really large things inside vaginas, but I would think that in course of regular intercourse, if you have to fight to get the penis in, it's going to hurt. When I read the above passage and she instinctively resisted, I assumed that instinct was born of pain. If you need a shoehorn and a bottle of Wesson Oil to get down to business, then as a reader, I'm cringing.
4. Gushing, Weeping and Seeping
Anytime the heroine is doing one of these three things I assume she's got some sort of infection going on. Enough said.
5. Womb Clenching
The heroine is having SO MUCH FUN her womb is clenching. Now, to be fair, the uterus contracts during orgasm, so technically womb clenching is going on. But every time I read that her womb is clenching I think she's having a menstrual cramp or a contraction. I mean, “clench” has such negative connotations. You clench your fists, your teeth, your butt cheeks. Why is her womb clenching? Is it angry?
6. This Sentence:
His fingers drifted over [her breasts] again, gently scissoring her nipples. (The Greek's Million-Dollar Baby Bargain by Julia James).
You know what two words NEVER belong in a sentence together? Nipples and scissors.
7. Easy-A
And that A stands for anal. Anal is like the new virginity in contemporaries. The heroine has likely had sexual partners by the time she's met the hero, but she's never had anal. And he's going to go where no man has gone before. That's not the part that pisses me off.
The part that pisses me off is that the heroine has enjoyable anal sex without any preparation or, occasionally, lubricant. The hero magically gets his whole wang in there without causing her any discomfort or pain because he strokes her clit or something like that. Along with misplaced hymens, romance novel heroines are apparently born with very loose sphincter muscles.
8. The Third Arm
No, I'm not making a penis reference here. This is when the hero and heroine are getting it on missionary style and he reaches down to rub her clitoris while still keeping himself propped up over her and gently stroking her cheek.
Wait, what?
Or sometimes (especially in Old Skools) he wipes her tears away with both his thumbs while again, staying propped up on top of her.
Either he's got a friend hiding behind the curtains on the canopy bed, sneaking in to help a bro out or he's got the most amazing ab muscles ever. He can do a plank without his arms, motherfucker. Now that's a hero.
9. Three's a Crowd
I've read my fair share of menage scenes. I'm always amazed when the heroine has sex with two dudes for the first time and no one falls down, tips over, or slips out. Double penetration is apparently only slightly harder than anal for a newcomer (hur hur). And how is it that when she's with two different dudes (maybe even three) the dudes never touch.
I'm thinking specifically of the Maya Banks' Colter series. The Colter brothers share a woman, and engage in four-way sex with her, but they never ever touch because that would incest, I guess. C'mon. Someone is going to brush a thigh or suddenly get a handful of his brother's balls. It's just going to happen.
And my all time least favorite?
10. Cervical Penetration
The hero's wang is so amazingly big that the heroine can “feel him in her womb.” Well I fucking hope not. For that to happen he'd have to push through the cervix and anyone who has had an IUD placed can tell you that you don't want anything pushing through your cervix. I'm breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it. Here's a passage from Passion by Lisa Valdez that will induce a PTSD flashback in anyone who has Mirena IUD:
On a low moan, her cunt began to draw. With the first strong, sucking pull, Mark bore down with all his strength, grinding the swollen head of his cock against the opening to her womb.
There are so many, many things wrong here.
1. It's a vagina, not an octopus. It's not drawing or sucking anything into it's maw.
2. Is the vagina moaning? Because grammatically, it is.
3. YOU DON'T WANT ANYTHING PUSHING INTO THE OPENING OF YOUR WOMB. At this point the heroine should be screaming in pain or least saying “FUCK!” really loudly, and not in the good way.
Passion also contains the following passage:
He choked back a groan and bit into her pale shoulder as he thrust against the tight, tilting fingers of flesh that protected Passion's womb.
I've checked. There are no fingers growing out of my cervix. If there were, I'd be in the ER right now breathing into a paper bag. Also, are cervix fingers like chicken fingers?
So what about you? What drives you nuts about romance novel sex in the not-so-good way?
Forgot to mention: The first time I wrote an anal into a scene, I tried to make it realistic…he’s enjoying it, but she’s gritting her teeth in pain. Then refers to it later as a ‘sperm enema’. They only do it twice, and neither one is exactly her 1st choice, but since her man wants it, she agrees….but only with PLENTY of lotion.
This has got to be the funniest thing I’ve read all day. Now when I read a new sex scene, this will be playing in my head.
Too, too funny! I have a couple more: 1) gushy, perfect stair sex. Not even. It’s painful as heck! 2) wildly active shower sex. Again, not even. Wet people are slippery! As the BH commented, “You need a spotter for that shiz”. 3) virgins who rock it like a porn star after that first perfect orgasm (always the first time). 4) Multiple sexssions in a row—I recently read a book where the well over 30 leads had unmedicated sex six times in a 12 hour period. I. WISH.
5. is an example of the inexactitude of one’s understanding of anatomy. As you note later, “womb” is back up there between the fallopian tubes and the cervix, completely (god I hope so) inaccessible to anything that happens during sex except maybe a sperm. Vaginas can clench, and the ones with muscle tone do.
Inexactitude is rife. How many young people do I hear hollering “I can see your vagina from here!” when they mean “your vulva”? Jeez.
Totally agree with everything here! Funniest blog post I’ve read in ages.
For #9, you might want to try out ‘Trifecta’ by Kim Carmichael. I read this recently and it’s a menage, but it mentions two or three times that the guys touch during sex with the one girl. It’s very well done and even has the added bonus of the two guys appreciating that they couldn’t have a relationship with the girl, without the other guy there. They’re a happy little 3-way loved up family. The guys love each other, without being gay, and both love the girl as much as the other. Might be worth a read?
Loved this post and I have to totally agree, but especially number 7 about anal sex. The book that comes to mind is This Man by Jodi Ellen Malpas. The second scene with him when he “takes her completely” yeah… that had a bit of a gross/ouch factor to it (and not because I’m squeamish about the act itself, but I expect it done right and hygienically). Not to mention she wouldn’t have gotten off on that kind of treatment. I’m just tired of anal being used as a way to convey to the reader that he has “taken her completely.”
@Tracey, if you write it, I will read it.
I am also getting tired of the slanting mouths. There’s got to be a better way to say that. Another thing I’m twitchy about is the twitching penis. It makes me think of the octo-head monster in The Thing every single time. Isn’t there a less spooky way to convey that motion? An uncoiling penis, or maybe a flexing penis?
@Qualisign: Right there with you on the laving of the delightfully firm, sweet berries whilst fully submerged in the love grotto. Unless you have a rubber spine or a retractable neck, no way is this happening.
And yes, Yes, YES! to everyone who complained about virgins achieving the mind-blowing Big O the first time. And most of these ladies are so pyurrr they’ve never even been kissed, much less touched. I guess the power of the Mighty Wang trumps becoming familiar with how your body responds. Just once I’d like to read a romance where the couple work through this inconvenient fact; seems to me that would demonstrate a real romantic connection.
There’s a horse scene at the end of Kinsale’s The Prince of Midnight. Hero is a highly skilled rider on a highly trained horse, but H/h still have to dismount (hur) and roll around in the shrubbery to finish; I appreciated that much.
One other thing I want to point out is that editors (at least mine) want sex and lots of it. Some even demand to have anal. So, as a writer, sometimes it gets wrote and boring to write, let alone to read it.
But I’m so glad I read this! Now I’m going to be very careful of the sex scenes I write from now on!
I meant rote not wrote! Geeze!!!
Do most men want virgins, or is that women projecting their puerile beliefs onto men? I’m sure there are some guys that like to conquer but most prefer a bit of experience than screwing a wooden board too scared to move. My husband told me he’d never have asked me out if he thought I was a virgin.
omg!! I’m sure which is funnier, the post or the comments! I just read something last night and at the end thought ‘ow. No lube’ with the anal sex. I cringe when there’s ‘banging on the cervix’ because last time my vibe did that, or freaking hurt!
There are many ‘ew!’ moments in romance books, whether from the moments mentioned above or just plain ickness, but if the story itself is worthy, I can ignore the insanity. mostly!
It’s interesting to hear the writers chiming in. I’m not really sure you have to completely re-invent the wheel when it comes the action, but I think making sure the characters involved don’t lose their personality during the deed is a really good way to accomplish originality, vs. coming up with some new stupid euphemism for the girl and boy bits you know?
As for editors demanding sex and specific sex acts. Ok, I guess. But I would think you get to push back on that and be an advocate for the kinds of books you want to read (and write).
Oh Holy Gawd did I laugh!
There are some things I’ve got to mention tho. First, women who are nervous about sex CAN clamp down too hard for the guy to penetrate … even if the sex is consensual and the woman wants it. It is also a medical condition.
Secondly, I may be giving away the plot of my life, but Sweet Babou has to be careful not to ram my cervix too hard. I either have the world’s shortest vagina, or he has a big ol’ dick. I won’t tell you which, because I have boundaries. Anyway, there are woman out there who find sexual pleasure in cervical bumping. Imma not say if I am one of them. Again, because my classy ass has boundaries.
There is a whole hella lot of variety in the what-what. I even know women who say they don’t like getting oral sex, as weird as that is for me to comprehend. As long as they aren’t doing it on a horse or in icy cold water, I’ll give the author the benefit of a good imagination.
@Ova:
OK, I had a mental image of those party horns you blow into and the little tube uncurls like a moth’s tongue. Gives new meaning to “blowing.” [Honk!]
It lifts weights! How much can it bench press?
Backing away from the keyboard now…
I’ve actually had smex on a horse. I don’t recommend it. It’s just not natural to face backwards on a horse even for the big (or medium or small or non-existant) O. Mostly because you are right about being distracted and the horse tries to brush you off somehow.
Otherwise I’ve totally thought most of what you said! Other than the paper bag thing and I have a tendency to smack my partner if they cause pain in addition to yelling at them to stop lol but I like how you said it. It was really funny. Thanks for that lol.
“I seriously have days where I want to send in five blank pages and one line. “He fucked her brains out.”
@Eileen Dreyer—Yes! I soooo understand where you’re coming from. (Sheesh. Please pardon the unintended pun.)
Back in the days I was writing for an erotic romance small press, my editor contracted an epic fantasy with the proviso I rewrote it as an e-rom. So buh-bye to 25k words and a bunch of secondary characters, and a whole lot more sex, please! The rewriting process was more difficult than I anticipated, so I got a little freaked about my looming deadline and put off writing a number of intimate scenes… with the result that my rewritten draft had place-markers like this: [insert hot, kinda angry outdoor sex scene here], and [insert poignant sex scene in ship’s cabin here]. Then I had to steel myself—no velvet in sight, I’m afraid ;-)—to go back and write in the scenes. Afterward I was so over writing explicit sex I had to take a looooong break from writing e-rom. Talk about wrung out.
After that book was published, I must admit to a nightmare or two involving the book being published with those [insert sex scene here] place-markers, LOL.
Lastly, for those who are sticklers for anatomically correct sexual positions, a few years ago I discovered a website that uses photos of those little wooden articulated artists’ mannequins to illustrate sexual positions. My editor had great laugh over this site—it even has such gems as positions for having sex in space! My personal favorite might be The Space Monkey *g* Here’s the link (I know the name of the site looks dodgy but I promise and cross my heart it is not a porn site!): http://www.sexualpositionsfree.com/
I can’t think of anything off the top of my head because I’m too busy laughing so hard at this!!! I definitely agree with number 3 and 7 though! Wow, this was great!
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Sarah! I was so glad to see your comment about his penis touching her womb (not!). I thought I was the only person who felt that was physically impossible.
And what about the fact that every virgin has an orgasm the first time out (well, it would have to be her first time or she wouldn’t be a virgin, right?) Am I the ONLY woman who didn’t have orgasms in the missionary position right off the bat? And then there are all these men who just “can’t resist” having sex 2 or 3 times in the same night with the woman they just de-flowered—she’s sore, man! Leave her alone!
I hope I’m not alone in thinking that most virgins are not incredibly orgasmic the first time out…there’s a certain amount of anxiety and fear among most young women—at least I think there is. Call out if you feel differently.
Here is another question? Where is the clean up towel? There’s NEVER a towel….
You forgot all the perfect and flawless stand-up sex against walls and in the shower. The first time. Soapy people are slippery.
“Lave” doesn’t bother me all that much when I consider the oft misused “lathe” as a substitute—JUST: NO.
The infamous “neglected nipple” gets to me every time and a LOT of writers use that. It makes me picture a little sad emoticon superimposed on the poor thing!
Someone mentioned Laurel K. Hamilton above for her lackluster and copious sex-scenes in lieu of plot and character development. AMEN. Also, I will NEVER ever forgive her for the use (several times) of the phrase “modified pushup position” to describe a man during sex. It’s bad enough once!
Other pet peeves include authors who use the same remarkable sex descriptors in almost every scene in almost every book no matter who the characters are. “Explosions” for every orgasm for every character every time for an entire series? Ick.
I prefer when authors tailor sex scenes for each couple. Kristen Ashley does that and whereas some might squick out when Anya calls Knight “Daddy” or when Ty calls Lexie “Mama” at least they don’t all use the same freaking words as everyone else, although I don’t know if I can ever get over Jet referring to her ladybits as her “doodah” in Rock Chick Rescue.
@Tabs, don’t give up. Try Emma Holly, Lauren Dane or Joey W. Hill. No never mind the man behind the curtaining and NO BROTHERS ( major skeeve out for me ).
@Carolanne beat me to the McCarty book. I was scanning it as a possible purchase, as I had never read anything by her before and now I never will. I think my mouth was still on the floor as I walked out of the store. Anal on horseback. No lube. And this was a historical, so no possibility of embarrassing explanations at the ER, just fatal peritonitis.
And Elyse thank you so much for the Valdez quote. I hope it makes others wary. I read one, no actually DNFed one Lisa Valdez book because the sex was written so badly. Really unfortunate because I thought she had some nice story telling going. Not worth it because the sex, YIKES! And I just made myself shudder remembering it.
#10
I have a Mirena. I screamed so loud in the ob/gyn’s office that he was ready to gag me with a towel. Said I was scaring the patients in the waiting room.
Ain’t NOTHING gonna touch my cervix again!!!
Laughing myself silly here!
For the writers, may I suggest that you do a search for 10 dangerous sex positions—and then maybe not use them?
Also, I will third or fourth the vote for preserving the personalities in the naughty scenes. Because the personalities involved are what make the sexy bits actually sexy, at least for me!
*wiping away the tears*
*snort* Okay, THAT was just not attractive.
I’m with you on the ‘lave’ – it puts me in mind of a lathe, and there just is no way someone’s taking a planer to my nips. Put that shit back in the garage on the workbench where it belongs.
Oh my. Hilarious! I hope I avoid most of these.
#3 though. As Betty said above, some women will clamp down so hard that the man cannot enter them, or will find it exceptionally difficult. Simple anxiety is a cause sometimes, and it can just disappear, it needn’t be a long term problem. It’s termed vaginismus.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus
Had to add this. The comments are as freaking funny as the post.
@ Pamela
Lathe instead of lave!!! Just NO doesn’t quite cover it. I can see someone using all their wood-working tools on his woman’s breasts.
“Shall we try the sander next, Phoebe? Or perhaps the screwdriver?”
Bwahahaha I think you ladies have gotten it all down.
I will pay good money for the first contemporary romance novel in which a dental dam is used when the man is performing oral sex, or a condom when the woman is performing oral sex. I think some of this is lack of good contemporary sex education available to romance writers.
@DonnaMarie I’ve read and enjoyed all three of those authors. I’m a big fan of m/m/f menage (where the dudes sex each other up as well as the lady) but I really don’t like m/f/m (where there’s no sexual contact between the men).
I get tired of easy orgasms for the women. Simultaneous orgasms. Too many heroines who have multiple orgasms every time they go at it.
I hate that no one ever seems to get a handy or a little oral in romances. When I started having sex, I didn’t rush straight to the big show. There was some manual stimulation and oral play first.
I have a whole list saved of stuff that makes me batshit crazy so that when I’m writing I don’t goof up and do something stupid.
I can’t believe no one mentioned it yet: the losing virginity scene in 50 Shades of Gray (Grey? Don’t remember) where there is virtually no lead up, and he rams into her all at once… And she doesn’t end up on the floor crying. I’m sorry, sex hurt the first ten times for me, I know everyone is different but with how the characters are portrayed, I threw the book against the wall. And almost didn’t pick it up again.
Too funny! I know it’s over the top (no pun intended) when I have to stop reading and try to figure out how the heck they are doing that, that way, at that angle, etc.
I get really squeamish when the “hero” has been sharing his macho goodness all over creation and then then he continues to have unprotected sex with the female character we are starting to really care about.
I have always wondered about the sex outdoors after a good long hike, peeing in the bushes, etc. A little personal hygiene goes a long way, for me. For reference, I can tell you covering the ground with something is essential (otherwise I want to be on top, or all kinds of debris will find itself in places I don’t want to deal with debris), the mosquitoes don’t care that the moment is passionate, and the clean up after…wet wipes? Your shirt?
Also, any painful sounding probing of sensitive spots (think cervix) does not sound fun.
Strafing run here…Immortal Highlander. My all time, very most favorite, have read it dozens of times, best paranormal romance EVER! But in order to see the progression of Adam from pr*ck to Hero, you have to read them all…
Just sayin’
This way so funny and so true! My biggest pet peeve anal first thing in the morning, that’s just gross!!!
@nightsmusic YES! I loved all of Karen’s books but that one takes the cake. Adam is a fantasy husband to many a paranormal romance reader.
This is priceless! Thanks for giving me the best belly laugh today.
Oh god thank you! Finally someone mentions how annoying some sex scenes can be! And all 10 above ive heard countless times. 1. Has got to be the most common out there.
@Tabs, totally get you, totally agree.
Additionally, it’s one of the things I always appreciated about JAK; imperfect sex. Her characters fumble around a bit or go off early as often as they get it right. And I still treasure one of her early Silhouettes wherein the heroine fakes an orgasm. Hi-effing-larious.