10 Things I Hate About Sex (Scenes)

 dude on a horse jumping into the water with a woman falling off the side of the horse. I think that's what is going on. Could also be levitation of all three by mysterious forces.I did not learn about sex from romance novels, thank God, but I know a lot of women who (at least partially) did. I was fortunate enough to have a mother who treated sex in a completely matter of fact way–it was part of being an adult and there was no shame involved in discussing it. As a result, even at the tender age of fifteen I approached romance novel sex with some skepticism. When I first started reading romance the sex scenes were the sort of vague, purple-prose laden encounters that involved a lot of shattering into a million tiny pieces, flying apart into the sun, or the shimmering of colors behind closed eyelids. Basically it sounded a lot like a stroke and/or an acid trip. And the orgasms were always simultaneous. 

Now there are as many different types of sex scenes as there are romance novels. Variety is a good thing, usually. But for every delicious Victoria Dahl or Maisey Yates bearded cowboy love-scene, there's also a sex scene out there that is either improbable, anatomically impossible or horrifically painful to think about. Below are the Big Ten things I hate in sex scenes. Brace yourself. And, obviously, this review contains strong language and adult situations and all that shit.

1. Velvet Covered Steel

No, that's not a name for a Glam Metal band. It's the description of every hero's erection ever. It's not bad, I'm just sick of reading it

2. Sex On a Horse

What the actual fuck, people. I read this a lot in Old Skool romances. I actually remember reading a book where the horse was “frightened by the scent of their lovemaking.” I wish I could remember which book, but I don't. Now, I agree that plenty of fondling or even a Handy-J could occur while on horseback, but actual intercourse? That is the most chill horse ever. Every horse I've ever ridden has waited for me to stop paying attention to try and brush me against a tree or something.

Plus how does that work? You'd have to a Russian gymnast and a trick rider to contort your body enough to stay on the horse and achieve penetration. And then you'd have to move. If I was a horse, I would not put up with that shit.

Two hands in a Chinese Finger trap3. The Chinese Finger Trap

This is when the hero's peen is so goddamned big he has to work to get inside the heroine, then once he is in, the magical vadge doesn't want to let go. Example from The Immortal Highlander by Karen Marie Moning (which is actually a great book, BTW):

“Easy, Gabrielle. Relax,” he gritted.

She tried, but she couldn't; it was instinctive to resist, and they waged a silent sexual battle for a few moments, where he hardly gained another inch. Her muscles were bearing down on him, resisting his steely intrusion. 

He sucked in a hissing breath through clenched teeth. “Gabrielle, you're killing me; you have to let me in.”

“I'm trying,” she wailed.

I know there are fetishes about putting really large things inside vaginas, but I would think that in course of regular intercourse, if you have to fight to get the penis in, it's going to hurt. When I read the above passage and she instinctively resisted, I assumed that instinct was born of pain. If you need a shoehorn and a bottle of Wesson Oil to get down to business, then as a reader, I'm cringing.

4. Gushing, Weeping and Seeping

Anytime the heroine is doing one of these three things I assume she's got some sort of infection going on. Enough said. 

5. Womb Clenching

The heroine is having SO MUCH FUN her womb is clenching. Now, to be fair, the uterus contracts during orgasm, so technically womb clenching is going on. But every time I read that her womb is clenching I think she's having a menstrual cramp or a contraction. I mean, “clench” has such negative connotations. You clench your fists, your teeth, your butt cheeks. Why is her womb clenching? Is it angry?

Book Scissors 6. This Sentence:

His fingers drifted over [her breasts] again, gently scissoring her nipples. (The Greek's Million-Dollar Baby Bargain by Julia James).

You know what two words NEVER belong in a sentence together? Nipples and scissors. 

7. Easy-A

And that A stands for anal. Anal is like the new virginity in contemporaries. The heroine has likely had sexual partners by the time she's met the hero, but she's never had anal. And he's going to go where no man has gone before. That's not the part that pisses me off.

The part that pisses me off is that the heroine has enjoyable anal sex without any preparation or, occasionally, lubricant. The hero magically gets his whole wang in there without causing her any discomfort or pain because he strokes her clit or something like that. Along with misplaced hymens, romance novel heroines are apparently born with very loose sphincter muscles. 

8. The Third Arm

No, I'm not making a penis reference here. This is when the hero and heroine are getting it on missionary style and he reaches down to rub her clitoris while still keeping himself propped up over her and gently stroking her cheek.

Wait, what?

Or sometimes (especially in Old Skools) he wipes her tears away with both his thumbs while again, staying propped up on top of her. 

Either he's got a friend hiding behind the curtains on the canopy bed, sneaking in to help a bro out or he's got the most amazing ab muscles ever. He can do a plank without his arms, motherfucker. Now that's a hero.

9. Three's a Crowd

I've read my fair share of menage scenes. I'm always amazed when the heroine has sex with two dudes for the first time and no one falls down, tips over, or slips out. Double penetration is apparently only slightly harder than anal for a newcomer (hur hur). And how is it that when she's with two different dudes (maybe even three) the dudes never touch.

I'm thinking specifically of the Maya Banks' Colter series. The Colter brothers share a woman, and engage in four-way sex with her, but they never ever touch because that would incest, I guess. C'mon. Someone is going to brush a thigh or suddenly get a handful of his brother's balls. It's just going to happen. 

And my all time least favorite?

10. Cervical Penetration

The hero's wang is so amazingly big that the heroine can “feel him in her womb.” Well I fucking hope not. For that to happen he'd have to push through the cervix and anyone who has had an IUD placed can tell you that you don't want anything pushing through your cervix. I'm breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it. Here's a passage from Passion by Lisa Valdez  that will induce a PTSD flashback in anyone who has Mirena IUD:

On a low moan, her cunt began to draw. With the first strong, sucking pull, Mark bore down with all his strength, grinding the swollen head of his cock against the opening to her womb.

Giant finger for practicing nail art

There are so many, many things wrong here.

1. It's a vagina, not an octopus. It's not drawing or sucking anything into it's maw.

2. Is the vagina moaning? Because grammatically, it is.

3. YOU DON'T WANT ANYTHING PUSHING INTO THE OPENING OF YOUR WOMB. At this point the heroine should be screaming in pain or least saying “FUCK!” really loudly, and not in the good way.

Passion also contains the following passage:

He choked back a groan and bit into her pale shoulder as he thrust against the tight, tilting fingers of flesh that protected Passion's womb.

I've checked. There are no fingers growing out of my cervix. If there were, I'd be in the ER right now breathing into a paper bag. Also, are cervix fingers like chicken fingers?

So what about you? What drives you nuts about romance novel sex in the not-so-good way?

 

 

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  1. My biggest pet peeve is The Discussion.

    You know the one. “I’m clean. I haven’t been with anyone in xx because I’ve been waiting for you with the magical [hooha/wang].” Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m GLAD they have the discussion. In this day and age it makes sense. I also like it when they don’t take the other’s word for it, but go to have a doctor test them.

    What I can’t STAND, is after all this discussion about how they’re going to use condoms until everyone gets professionally checked, (usually some talk about doing it so heroine is “safe” and “protected”) and then she gives the hero/es a bj and SWALLOWS.

    *sigh*

    Did NO ONE attend health class? You know that bit about the exchanging of bodily fluids? WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS WHEN THE HEROINE SWALLOWS?! So much for “protecting” her by getting tested.

    I don’t mind if the heroine chooses to perform those acts, but as the author, please don’t preface it with all this talk about keeping her safe from disease and then having her go down on the hero. Pick one. Discussion or BJ. Or WAIT until everyone’s tested before taking that step.

    Ugh.

  2. P. J. Dean says:

    My pet peeve in the latest novels? The fact that almost every virginal heroine FIRST TIME out the gate is 1) down for a threesome of any/all genders, 2) down for anal and is supposedly knowledgeable about STDs but gives oral to just anybody without the safety of a barrier (condoms or dental dam). And, and, wait for it, my all time favorite—she consumes the results of all said oral activity! Honey, the mouth contains mucuous membranes just like the other bits and is a transmission point. Please!

  3. Teri Riggs says:

    Too funny! I can’t begin to imagine having sex on a horse. I have enough trouble sitting on one without falling off.

  4. Donna Murphy says:

    I can’t stop giggling over the sex on a horse!!!! I’ve only been on a horse twice. The first time it dumped me on the ground, thank God it was a small horse. The next time was like a organized trail ride. Big horse, very big, and the people in from of me slowed down to look at something. They knew how to ride. They then took off at a trot, which caused my horse to follow suit. OMG It bounced me half to death catching up, I thought I was going to get black eyes from my boobs slamming around!!!! LOL

  5. Elyse says:

    @Jill Sorenson it’s not the wetness that bugs me, it’s the descriptors. In my mind wounds seep or ooze or blood gushes. It’s like clenching, it has a negative connotation. I should have clarified.

  6. The number one thing that drives me insane are the orgasm announcements. “I am going to come!” Yay for you. It’s not the 4:15 from Paddington. You go right ahead and do your thing – I’m sure your partner will figure it out and catch up.

    In a similar vein, there’s orgasm-on-demand. Now, in some contexts (like BDSM) this makes at least SOME sense, but when it’s a couple in love having sex for the first time? No. We see the man telling the woman to come like he’s ordering his lunch with the dressing on the side. I know a lot of people think this is hot (otherwise who would write it?), but any guy who’s going to instigate a power play at the beginning of a sexual relationship has lost my approval.

    I’m also getting mighty tired of lips crashing together. It sounds painful. Someone’s gonna bust a lip open. Might even need stitches.

  7. Tabs says:

    @Melissa: I read a book recently where the heroine tried to get up and go to the bathroom immediately after sex but the hero wouldn’t “let” her because he felt she was using it as an excuse to disengage emotionally.  All I could think was “UTI!  OMG, UTI! Let her peeeeeeeeee!”

    I also hate the “my side/your side” threesomes.  It’s one of the reasons I flat-out will not read m/f/m menage any more.  If everyone’s not getting it on with everyone else, then I am just not interested.

  8. Tam says:

    In reference to #3 and in the realm of TMI perhaps, I was in an … adult store in a large American city. There was a couple shopping and he snatched up some vibrator thingy and started chatting up the clerk. He said his lady (she was 19 if she was a day) was VERY small and wanted something to stimulate her g-spot (which even as a woman I think is fiction). The thing in his hand was about the size of a large marker and she looked at it doubtfully and said maybe if they were very slow she could get it in. I wanted to ask what exactly they do if she is THAT small that a pen is the only thing that fits. Then again, maybe she takes after #7.

  9. Michelle says:

    Thank you – this was great!!!  I agree with all and had tears of laughter when done!

  10. Annie says:

    10. Seriously!! Probably TMI, but I’m a tiny woman and my husband is a large man. It is possible to hit your cervix and lemme tell you, oh the fucking agony. That’s a freaking mood killer right there, like stop everything, get the fuck off me, we’re done, moment. I hate it when this happens in books, and the girl is all like, yeah baby! Eff that. She’d be dying like the rest of us.

  11. Carrie says:

    I loved this post.

    I will say in regards to the Highlander book scene, she was a virgin so she was especially tight and as a book hero, he is especially large.

    Again, great post. I am totally sharing!

  12. Diana Huffer says:

    OMG!!! This is so freakin’ funny!!  There have been some sex scenes that make me wonder but I can usually get through them and carry on with the book… ~LOL~  Loved reading this!  🙂

  13. Jane L says:

    Brilliant – laughing so much my womb hurts 😉

  14. Bibliophile says:

    Marirra (commenter #8): Hitting her diaphragm? I can give you a better one. The following is a quotation from a romance novella that I wrote down because it struck me as one of the most unsexy things I had ever read in a sex scene:

    “She released him and he moved, sliding into her, spearing her with his length until he was buried so deeply inside her, Tessa would have sworn he was touching her heart.”

    (From “Christmas Cravings” by Maureen Child, in Holiday With a Vampire).

  15. Qualisign says:

    Take one tall man (apparently most Hs) and one petite woman (maybe half of hs). [Note that H/h itself seems to agree with this expectation.] How in the world does a tall man with his flaming sword fully engaged in his siren’s cavern of delights (having crossed her barrier sometime just prior to entering her cervix), bend to taste/lick/lathe (oops) lave petite woman’s pebbled, fruity and or diamond-hard nips? [This is a variation on Elyse’s third hand dilemma.] I swear I spend half the time reading, well, actually skimming, sex scenes trying to figure out the logistics. But then, it is fiction, isn’t it?

  16. Different strokes for different folks. I don’t mind “clenching” because the vagina goes into uncontrollable spasms at the moment of orgasm. Sounds okay to me.
    Three things for me:
    “laved.” Why do we need a special word for licking? Literally it means “washed.” So why not use that?
    “globes.” I really dislike this one. Globes are hard and round, two things that breasts and buttocks aren’t. They’re curved, but spherical? Not nearly.
    “Cream.” If she’s producing any cream-like substance, she should see a doctor. Stat.

  17. Thank goodness I’m not guilty of any of this in my writing. This was hilarious and fun to read. And brought back a few funny, contemplative, memories of books I’ve read.

  18. Melissa says:

    This is the funniest article I have read in ages! Love it.

    I hate scenes where the heroine is a virgin, the sex start and then the pain instantly goes away and all of a sudden there is the mind blowing orgasm.. I can say my first sexual experience was nothing like that..

  19. Anjeanette Sausedo says:

    Just wanted to say you are fecking hilarious!!! I would also like to add that I hate “serial” sex in series. When each series installment boasts a new couple getting together and subsequently getting it on that is sounds like the same sex MO each go around. All the chics just love receiving it hard and dirty all the damn time.

  20. RHM says:

    #2 Bombproof horse, people with excellent balance, even terrain and no sudden turns – might work depending on the speed.  From someone who has ridden for over twenty years – why oh why would you want to?! 

    Isn’t there often a scent description for heroes smelling of sweat, leather and horses and it is supposed to be a good smell?  I have spent many hours of my life smelling like that and let me tell you, no one ever appreciates it.

    @Kate Pearce Medieval war horses were actually rather small by today’s standards, maybe about 15 hands.  Much more similar to a Spanish Lusitano than a Shire.  The craze for giant horses is much more modern.  I’ve never sat on a Shire but Belgians are very comfy bareback.

    My personal pet peeve is any comparison to animals, especially kittens/cats for women (in a non-paranormal shape shifting romance that is) in the midst of the action.  It just skeeves me out.

  21. Mina Khan says:

    OMG, I’m laughing so hard that tears are coming out…and nary a hero in sight to wipe them away!

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this! It needed to be said…

    And my favorite has to be the horseback sex and the cervix fingers!

  22. Anonymous says:

    Holy shit that was funny! My biggest pet peeves are when the sex is more like rape and when no one uses lube. “I know I’ve destroyed your sense of self and have been a giant A-HOLE, but you really want me”. “You know, you’re right. When I told you to go f yourself all those times I really meant come and take it.” WTF?

    And, no lubrication? Ever? Yeah right. Especially after the exciting “newness” of the relationship wears off. Those characters have obviously never been married.

  23. Belle says:

    I can’t recall ever reading a novel where a couple had sex on a horse but I have read a book where they had sex on a camel.  That just gave a new meaning to “hump day”. It’s one of Cherry Adair books.  I think she even poke fun at it too. 

    Thanks for the laughs.

  24. Tracie Podger says:

    Just peed my pants laughing 🙂

  25. Wendy says:

    Gah. Brilliant. All of you.

    “Velvet covered steel” always makes me think of deer antlers (ouch), followed shortly by the way velvet is only smooth if you rub it the right way, and rubbing it the wrong way gives me the jibblies. No more velvet. Also: no more “hardest part of him.” That pulls me out (hur hur) and makes me wonder: “His knee? His skull? Perhaps the ridge of his tibia? 
    I’ve also read about “angry” peens. Okay…so you’re engorged and an increase in redness comes along with that. I get it, but “angry” is not a descriptor I want.

    I understand wanting to establish that the hero is suuuuper aroused, but I think it can be done other ways.

    And to every one of you who have mentioned UTIs, my sister and I salute you.

  26. Riley Banks says:

    I used to enjoy reading a good, raunchy romance, but since 50SOG inspired a raft of carbon copies, I’ve returned to my first love – thrillers. Unfortunately, as a reviewer, I still have to read them from time to time, and my two biggest pet peeves is TMI and TMT.

    TMI is Too Much Information, as in every sex scene has to be described in such graphic detail that it’s like there’s a camera strapped to the side of that throbbing member and we’re getting a bird’s eye view inside her vajajay. Not even porn flicks go that far. They just show sex but novels think they have to give you a blow by blow description (yes, pun intended). Less is more, in my opinion, and half the thrill comes from the seduction and the lead up to sex. It’s enough to know they have consummated their lust for each other!

    TMT is too much time. You know, those sexual romps that go on and on and on and on… The men that can keep an erection forever and the women that don’t seem to mind. Now yes, it is physically possible to keep an erection for a long time, but I can tell you from personal experience, it is NOT pleasant! Long story short, after too much alcohol at a party, my husband became a temporary porn star, upping his usual time of 4 and half minutes to well over an hour! I tried to be the patient wife and help get that thing down but there’s only so much friction a woman can take between her legs before someone starts a fire (and not the fire of passion kind). In the end, I told him he could finish himself, and I was going to sleep! And yes, I had trouble walking for days. Ever since then, too much alcohol equals absolutely no sex for hubby! Every time I read about a prolonged sexual romp in a book, I am inwardly groaning at how chaffed that poor girl is gonna get.

  27. Tracey says:

    I hate the word undulated. I think in my next book with sex I’m going to have slipping off the bed, farting then falling asleep and lots of WTF are you doing back there??? That is more believable to me than some of the things I’ve read.

  28. Rae Ryans says:

    Wonderful post … who knew one could do that on a horse. I don’t think I’d ever trust a horse to attempt it.

    Eek anal isn’t without pain unless you do it often. It doesn’t work like the vjay and needs lube. Vaginal fluid would only go so far, or long, before it had dried up. for a quickie it might work.

    For the most part I prefer realistic sex scenes with pulled hair and fumbled movements. That is especially true for virgins.

    Word wise, someone said slanted and I agree. I think of blinds every time I see it. And why does everyone have to be huge? Why can’t these guys just have an average ‘wang’?

  29. tikaanidog says:

    @qualisign – right there with you on that! With a tall hero/short heroine, I always have to stop and wonder, just as they finish and his head is resting on her breasts, well, I don’t care if the authur says he’s still in there, parts south have to be between her knees! either that or he’s one heck of a contortionist. LOL!

  30. Lucky says:

    In the vein of no holds barred…I will say that my first time (at the ripe age of 17), I started to think it wasn’t going to fit or my hymen was especially strong.  He was probably a little bigger than average but not “horse like”.  Now, in hindsight, some lube may have helped but it WAS difficult and painful.  So I get the chinese handcuff reference.

  31. Riley Banks says:

    @RaeRyans – I remember watching this show on TV years ago, where the guy’s penis came halfway down his thigh, and that wasn’t even erect! He thought it was marvellous, but if I saw a guy with a wang that big coming towards me, I’d run in the other direction. Forget pressing the diaphragm. That sucker would pop right on out my mouth!

  32. 1) If your foreplay requires fisting, your hero is too large to be the penetrative partner.

    2) I will admit, I have written a scene where one of my characters is required to do pushups with his penis while his hands are cuffed behind him. “Davy Crockett could start a fire by hitting his dick on a rock! Are you less of an American than Davy Crocket?” demands his top (albeit with more profanity). But this is a specialized kink and should not be attempted in a serious story.

  33. Tiffany says:

    This is the brand of funny I needed today!

  34. Chris in NJ says:

    Thank you for this!  LMAO!

    My pet peeves include “lave” as a descriptor. Really? I want to be washed by your tongue! Get this spot over here on my elbow, my dog missed it earlier.  Sheesh!

    I also hate the term “pussy lips” and lots of authors use it. I have this vision of a vagina decked out with the latest color lip gloss. Or kitties throwing kisses.  There is a perfectly good word for that part; labia, please use it.

    Lastly, I know anal is now included in every sex scene mostly (all I’ve read recently), but if our heroine and hero have just met in a bar and hook up… do NOT be putting you lips and tongue all over the others back door. You don’t even know the person or their level of cleanliness and you’re licking and sucking their ass?  Gross!

    Thanks for the laugh and the chance to vent a little.

  35. Jessica says:

    This is hilarious! As someone who reads 4-5 of these books per week, I have 2 to add to the list:

    1. When the Hero has torn off/confiscated the heroine’s panties, makes his deposit from the magic wang, she’s wearing a skirt (as this usually happens in an office setting) and everybody just goes back to work with no clean up. Ever hear of gravity?! That magic wang deposit HAS to have made it to her knees before she made it back to her desk.

    2. Going from anal sex to vaginal sex without a condom or cleanup in between. Jesse did it in This Man and all I could think was “infection…eww!” I wish I could say he was the only one I’ve read about…*full body shiver*

  36. Pamela Clare says:

    Laugh-out-loud funny. Thanks! What a great thing to read while enjoying my afternoon caffeine.

    Personally, I don’t get the obsession with anal. I’ve never considered myself a prude, but perhaps I am. I won’t do it, skip over it in books, and have a hard time believing that so many women enjoy it.

    I once read a book where one of the first forms of contact the H/h had was his tongue up her arse. Skip fucking, go straight to the rim job. How about 69 first? Just saying…

    On that note, I think I’ll nominate myself for president of Ass Virgins of America. Can I get a second?

    The cervix stuff makes me cringe, too. Nothing like a taste of early labor pain to make sex great — NOT! But what makes me laugh is the insistence that his penis is SO big that they don’t know how to make it fit. Um…

    I’ve given birth twice, and I have yet to see a dick, even an erect one, that’s bigger than an 8-pound baby.

  37. Kelly Mercer says:

    I am laughing so hard right now – this is what is partly wrong with women. We have this crazy arse image of what sex should be. Where men learn from porn. There is no middle ground. None of it can be recreated. It’s what ever make you & your partner feel good! Good, bad & ugly

  38. Miranda Book Whore says:

    This is hilarious!

    #10 is horrifying. I still get cold sweats thinking about the ‘little pinch’ that was suppose to occur when my IUD was placed. I like to call it ‘reverse forced birth’ because the only thing that hurt more was when my children ripped their way out of my cervix.

    In other words, keep your cock the hell out my womb.

    My biggest pet peeve in books are the fuck-all descriptions of the penis and vagina.

    Anaconda, python, pork sword, abd so many more.

    Gaping cavern, gushing hole, virginal glove… ugh

    None of these spell sexy to me. These all have me cringing and laughing.

  39. Loved all of this. But in defense of romance writers everywhere. Do you have any idea how hard(pun intended) it is to come up(again) with something new when writing sex scenes? Even new words or positions(and I am a stickler for anatomy, so nobody’s bangin’ no diaphragms with me). If you’ve seen Masters of Sex, you know that climaxes are pretty universal. Sooooooo writing something different about the SAME DAMN THING for the forthy-somthingth book is pretty damn tiring. I seriously have days where I want to send in five blank pages and one line. “He fucked her brains out.” We know that’s where this is going. We know it’s what it’s all about. Why pussyfoot around(I think that’s a hat trick)

  40. Jude Deveraux’s Velvet Song had the couple on the horse.  She was in boy’s clothes, but still managed to turn around, untie the ‘triangular patch covering’ (this was in midevial times), and have sex on a horse which ‘became frisky at the scent of their actions’ (paraphrasing).  I thought ‘what the hell?’ when I first read it in my early 20s!

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