Barbie, The Raider, The Washboard, and Me

In 2003, Mattel released Jude Deveraux, The Raider – Barbie® and Ken® Doll Giftset. I don't know why the earth didn't move and alert me to this amazing opportunity, but it is only ten years later that I have been able to see this amazing majesty for myself. 

You guys, I seriously think this doll set answers SO MANY QUESTIONS that I've had about classic romance novel poses. Let's examine each element close up, shall we? Vision impaired readers, I've done my best to describe each image, and I swear I am not making any of this up. 

First, behold the majesty of the official Mattel portrait of these two:

Official portrait of the two dolls out of the box standing on some plastic rocks. They can't stand on their own.

 

They don't look a thing like that in the box. It even says on the page, “Doll cannot stand alone as shown.” I'm not sure which one they mean, but I assume KenAlexander, because he's not letting go of BarbieJessica.

Lest you doubt this is currently in my possession, the box! On my counter!

Barbie and Ken posed in a box with a clear plastic front. Can't miss the action.

 

I was never into Barbies as a kid, but this made both my inner awkward adolescent and my external adult self absolutely giddy. IT IS CRAZY YOU GUYS.

And it has a lot to live up to, because the original cover for The Raider, it is absolute grade A crazysauce: 

The heroine is hanging off the side of the man with her pink dress in a big fan below her and her blonde hair in a big fan above her. he's wearing a mask, and the horse is like WTF you people are weird.

 

I can just picture that cover art meeting:

Dude: “No, her hair needs to be bigger. NO, BIGGER. No, MORE BIGGER.” 
Artist, grumbling: “I'll show you bigger…”
Dude: “PERFECT!” 

I love the horse, too. He's appalled at their lack of knowledge on basic horsemanship: “I am not carrying you weirdos on my neck. Go away.”

Seriously, what's with her hair? Is she underwater? How do you get your hair to even do that? I need to try it. It's like an Elizabethan neck ruff for hair. 

So does the Barbie collector set live up? OH HELL YES.

First: have you ever wondered how the cover model posing as the heroine can maintain these half-fainted, half-boneless positions of swoony submission? 

Get a look at her face: 

A close up of Barbie's face. her pupils are half covered by her eyelids and she looks drugged and slightly crosseyed.

 

The answer is, apparently, quaaludes.

She's heavy lidded, but I don't think it's passion. I think she's high as a kite. A kite on some seriously good drugs, yo. Her pupils are like dinner plates. 

Another close up of her face. Her mouth is open a bit so with the heavy lids which are colored very blue she looks so out of it

 

“Hey, KenAlexander. I wanna tell you….tell you…somethzzzzzzzzzzzz.” So romantic!

The other details are just as amazing. 

Close up of Ken's face with an amazing amount of eye cosmetics and a shaded something on his cheeks meant to suggest stubble or something.

 

I don't even know how one does that with eye makeup. Though, I don't know if he'd remember either, given that he looks like he's on the same stuff as Barbie. 

Then there's the other other makeup:

Close up of Ken's face with some sort of brown shading or schmutz on his face

 

I scratched at it with my fingernail. I tried wiping it with a towel. That is not schmutz or dirt. That is… I don't actually know what that is. I think it's meant to suggest stubble, only romance stubble, which is apparently as smooth as chinchilla bum fur.

In romance, stubble doesn't scratch, it soothes.

I'm telling you, the mysteries of the romance universe are hidden in this box. 

For example, you know that curling tendril of hair that so often tempts the romance hero as he looks at the heroine? How many historical romances have you read that in? Me, probably hundreds. She puts her hair up, except for one curl that rests on her neck, beckoning the hero to gaze upon her décolletage. 

How does one maintain that tempting curl with its tempting, curly perfection?

 

A close up of barbie's hair, in which one long curl is stitched to her armpit

 

By stitching it into her armpit, of course! That sucker ain't moving, either, let me assure you. 

And how do you know this is a legit romance novel Barbie set? The certificate of authenticity? Heck no.

A close up of Ken's shirt, which is open and tucked in of course

 

SHIRT UNDONE BUT STILL TUCKED IN!

Hell to the Yes! 

Pay no attention to Barbie's opportunistic hand, there. 

So let's get a look at what's under the shirt that's undone but still tucked in because accuracy:

 

I'm about to peel his shirt away from his chest

 

HOLD UP. Is that…. is – YES it IS! 

 

double stick tape holding his shirt on to his chest which is ridiculous with the bumps and ridges meant to suggest abdominal muscles

 

DOUBLE STICK TAPE! 
 

So THAT is the secret of the shirt-undone-but-still-tucked-in look! Wardrobe tape! Amazing. 

And speaking of amazing, GET A LOAD OF THOSE ABS. Somewhere there are professional body builders with .02% bodyfat who don't have that level of definition. KenAlexander, he is negative body fat. 

I can't get this particular close up of my own KenAlexander without removing him from the box, so don't miss this picture of his nipples

Also: I love that I just told you not to miss a picture of someone's nipples. Oh romance novel Barbie, don't ever leave me. 

Let's keep exploring the magic, shall we? 

A close up of three fabric flowers at Barbie's waist which have very erect and suggestive stamens

 

What? Those flowers are not the LEAST bit suggestive. Nuh uh. 

 

We don't need any euphemisms that KenAlexander is well-equipped in every way. As the box description assures us,

He is wearing a sheer white cotton shirt and tight black pants accented with a black belt. Black knee high cuffed and buckled boots complete his ruggedly handsome look.

But KenAlexander, being a Ken doll and all, has no actual equipment, per se. But no worries. We have manly hand assurance, too. The size difference between KenAlexander and BarbieJessica's hands is… illuminating. 

Ken's hand is about 10 times larger than Barbie's.

 

Everything about this guy is big. And windswept.

Did I mention it comes with bling, this gift set? IT DOES. BLING IS INCLUDED. 

A read fabric back is screenprinted with the words Jude Deveraux The Raider

 

HOT DAMN. What could it be? My own personal Raider minifigure? With windswept hair and abs like cobblestones?

 

A blurry pic of the charm bracelet

 

A charm bracelet! With… charms that I'm not sure of. Like this one:

A charm bracelet charm that looks like the business end of a waistband snap

 

Is that a candelholder or the business end of a waistband snap? No matter, really. It's Raider Bling! 

I was nearly ready to put the box aside and go out and raid the grocery store with my bling when I noticed how amazing the back of the box is. I might have bought this JUST for the back of the box. Because it's so incredible.

First, Mattel has a very strange idea of what age “adulthood” happens: 

Text on the bottom: For the adult collector, ages 14 and up

 

Adult! Now 14 and over! 

Uh, ok. 

The back of the box with text about the book. PLUS a sample.

 

Dear LORD, is that from the book?! 

 A page from Google Books that shows the text from the back: Alex smiled in the way of a man with superior knowledge. NO LIE.

 

YES IT IS.

Perhaps that is the secret of KenAlexander's beard fuzz: he wears stubble like a man with superior knowledge. 

But wait, there's MORE.

The description reassures the reader that the Barbie is dressed in taffeta, chiffon and jacquard, while Ken is swashbuckling in a sheer white cottong shirt. There are also accouterments.

 

In case you're too lazy to turn the box over and, you know, look, or you like to have all your surprises spoiled, there's a description of what's inside: “Ken is swashbuckling in a sheer white cotton shirt paired with black pants.”

KEN IS SWASHBUCKLING. It's a VERB. 

Ken is swashbuckling like a man with superior knowledge.

Aw, yeah. 

But the best part is the illustration of the dolls inside the box. I wish I could frame it.

The painted illustration on the back of the box is ridiculous in its lack of realism

 

WHAT THE WHAT? Her face is most likely meant to look like a Barbie doll, except it's the creepy version thereof. Egads.

And KenAlexander… oh, dear.

Ken's hair looks like a hedgehog exploded on his head

 

According to the official description, KenAlexander has “long brown windswept hair.” 

That's not windswept. That's “A windy hedgehog exploded on his head.” 

And I'm not sure what that facial expression is meant to convey, but I'm going with “too many beans at the Raider Barbie launch party last night.”

The greatest disappointment, though, is my discovery on the front of the box: 

Barbie Limited Edition Romance Novels Collection on the top of the box

 

That says, “Limited Edition, Romance NOVELS Collection.”

NOVELS. 

Romance NOVELS.

That means PLURAL. MORE THAN ONE. 

Were there more Barbie and Ken romance novel editions planned? Did they not ever make it to market? Are the obscure collectibles in Japan somewhere? WHERE ARE THE OTHER NOVELS?! 

Seriously, I would buy the hell out of them. I bought this one on eBay and it was the best ridiculous eBay purchase I've ever made. I bid on this box so hard, my eBay-addicted father in law probably flinched without knowing why.

SO WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?! Where are the other novels?! 

How can Mattel break my heart this way? Seriously, shouldn't there be more? I think so! 

What novels do you think should receive the Barbie collector's edition treatment? Anita Blake? That'd be a ten-doll collection right there. oh – Derek Craven from Dreaming of You! That would be an amazing Ken doll. He'd have to substitue badassery for the swashbuckling. 

So, which book should be done as a doll set next? Let's pester Mattel until they either run screaming or give us our way.

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  1. Laura P. says:

    You do know about the dolls made for LOTR, right?  There’s Galadriel, Legolas, and the duo of Arwen and Aragon.  And, yes, I have all four dolls—I bought them right after they were released.  I’m such a goober.

  2. SB Sarah says:

    @beccah: I’m really sorry to hear about your dad. Glad this made you laugh.

  3. Agree completely on Rob Lowe and on Jessica/Dain from LoS.

    I also want to see Harriet the paleontologist and Gideon the hulking loving brute from Amanda Quick’s Ravished. I want her to have the rock she bashes the bad guy with and some old bones and be all mussed up – an action Barbie!

    And for pirate Barbies – Dona and Aubery from Frenchman’s Creek!

  4. I feel so much better that 14 is considered adult! So reading my first romance at 12 was just fine. I LOVED the RAIDER when I read it as a teenager and still I have the original book. I fell for JD so hard in the 90s that I even named my son after her Scottish Velvet Series since I was reading everything about the Montgomery’s when I was pregnant. I bet I’m not the only one who has done this. Now off to Google where I can get my own collectors edition Barbie!

  5. Jenny Lyn says:

    Please tell me he had flat male nipples and a bulging mighty Wang. And with the popularity of Fifty, Mattel would have a huge seller if they went there. Could you imagine the accessories? O.o

  6. Jenns says:

    Still wiping tears from my eyes. Oh, the WTH awesomeness and comic genius combo! Thank you, Sarah! I needed this today.
    @BeccahW – I’m so sorry for your loss.

  7. Claudia says:

    Oh Sarah, you made me laugh so hard……Thank you!!!!

  8. I heart this post so very much.

    That nipple photo is disturbingly hot for being a plastic doll.

    I haven’t read The Raider, so it’s being added to the TBR list.

  9. LovelloftheWolves says:

    Quite honestly the best thing EVER. OH my sides are in stitches!

  10. xenu01 says:

    This made me laugh so hard I nearly got in trouble at work, but I have to defend my beloved Raider from these shameful allegations (some of them).  You need to at least know that the scene in question involves Alexander being made a fool of by Jessica, who has just discovered he is the Raider and is now making him think she is cheating on him with some other guy wearing black. 

    I know, I know but for a historical romance novel written in the 1980’s, it’s actually light and non-rapey.  Even if it does use the “forced to marry” trope, Jessica is forced to marry someone and she chooses Alexander, who she sees as a friend.

  11. “Ken is swashbuckling in a sheer white cotton shirt paired with black pants.”

    KEN IS SWASHBUCKLING. It’s a VERB.

    Presumably the double-stick tape is there to keep Ken’s swash from coming unbuckled.

  12. kkw says:

    New, brilliant idea: the characters from the new Loretta Chase series that’s so disappointing. Which I know isn’t much of a sell, but the dresses! Sometimes doesn’t Mattel work with designers so there’s de la Renta Barbies, and Bob Mackie outfits and stuff? They could get someone fabulous to do that dressmaker series. Because even though the series isn’t up to standard, the Loretta Chase standard is so high they’re still fantastic. And those dresses…
    I can’t believe I’m still thinking about this.
    Nice manicure, btw.

  13. Julie Brannagh says:

    Speaking of Loretta Chase (who still knows everything), the next set MUST be Lord Dain and Jessica Trent. Will it be the ladylike Jessica of Champtois’ shop, or will it be Bad Ass Jessica with her tiny pistol, red gown, and black lace mantilla?

    Jessica will need lots and lots of costume changes, too.

  14. Becky I. says:

    I can’t believe I missed this the first time you posted – this particular Barbie pair has been in my possession for more than 8 years.  I am a bit of a Barbie collector (nothing crazy) and Jude Deveraux has been my favorite Romance author since high school, so it was a must buy.  I must say, I never looked to see that he had nipples.  Who knew?  HILARIOUS post.  At one point I thought they mentioned they were going to do (or had done) a Nora Roberts book into Romance Novel, but I haven’t been able to locate it ever, and the site is different now.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  15. seraph7 says:

    I had actually forgotten about the epicness of this post until I got an email reminder, you know.
    I think I would really like a Prince Rupert of the Rhine ken doll in full Cavalier mode after reading the Winter Prince by Cheryl Sawyer. I seem to have been reading quite a few books set in that period and the Stuarts for me are a lot more interesting than the Tudors and the Plantagenets. And if anyone’s read Minette by Melanie Clegg, a Minette doll would be rather cute as well.

  16. OMG!!! BACK-OF-BOX KENALEXANDER STOLE BOOK-COVER BARBIEJESSICA’S HAIR!!!!

    Seriously, though, I have GOT to stop reading your blog while trying to drink. You’d think after all these years I would have learned, but nooooooo. Not me.

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