Peekaboo Nipples are Looking at You

The poses and positions of models on romance novel covers shift regularly. Sometimes they are headless, or they've got their jaws and noses but nothing above the cheekbones. Sometimes they're looking right at you – or, in some memorable cases, beckoning you to pull their finger: 

 Book Blonde Viking crooking his finger at the reader with a leer on his face

It's never too early for the Pull My Finger Viking, right? Of course.

Lately, the cover models have shifted so that you can see their faces, but they're looking away from you. Well, their faces are. 

Their nipples are another story. 

The nipples on romance covers are busy. 

Sometimes, they dot the I in the author's name: 

 

 Book Cover - illustration of a guy in a kilt, with his nipple right on top of the

 

Perfection in nipple alignment is a sight to behold. 

 

Sometimes in the nipples are… well, I'm not sure what the nipple is doing in this photograph, but that young lady sure wants to show it to us: 

 Book Cover Photograph of a woman pulling open a dude's jacket and shirt to reveal his nipple. It's very odd.

 

Peekaboo! I see you, nipple! Is she about to try to breastfeed? I don't think that's going to get her anywhere. 

 

Nipples sometimes act as security, like in this cover: 

 

old cover for The Last buccaneer. Hero is wearing eyepatch, sneering down at reader and his nipple is pointed straight at the reader, too.

That image was sent to me by Lydia, who wrote, “It's like he's some kind of alien being.  From the Planet OhJesusGodWhattheFuck.  Also, his nipple is giving me the hairy eyeball.”

He's got his eye…and his nipple right on you.

 Book Cover Sweet Revenge by Zoe Archer - the hairy chested hero is looking down, but his nipple is pointed straight ahead

 

I love a LOT about this cover. The hair, the chest hair, the occluded background,  the shirt, the carriage – it evokes the time period and it is all kinds of sexy.

But his nipple is pointed directly at me. Sentient nipples watch you from the gloom! 

I think the nipples are on to me, though: 

 Book Two men on the cover, and one is covering his nipples with his elbows straight out to the sides

 

NO NIPPLES FOR YOU! 

Ok, I'm sorry. I won't tease you all about your sentient, unblinking nipples that watch me. You can put your arms down now. I promise I'll stop. 

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Miranda says:

    The woman on The Wicked One cover looks like a nipple feeding vampire. Which is pretty darn wicked, I must admit.

    The Sweet Revenge guy appears puzzled by his nipple as well. Or maybe he’s wondering what’s casting that one beam of light on his sleeve.

  2. 2
    Tam B. says:

    I’ve read The Wicked One and it’s actually possible that she IS wanting to flash his nipples at you.  This story features an aphrodisiac that is particularly potent that both hero and heroine sample.

    (And if you want to try this series I just noticed the first book – The Wild One – is free at Amazon.)

    And is it just me or is a guy covering his nipples is just wrong.  What exactly is he trying to hide?  Or worse – cup?

  3. 3
    Cate says:

    Errr… Why is The Last Buccaneer sporting a REALLY bad mullet ? Or was he a fan of Phil Oakey from his Human League days – and the barber just got it wrong –  because he looks all SAS/ SEAL from the left – and all Mary Tyler Moore on the right !

  4. 4
    C.L. Bevill says:

    The Bewitched Viking: “I have some candy behind this shield for you.”

    And on The Last Buccaneer, it’s not about the cover, because that’s bad enough, but how does he know he’s the last buccaneer?  There could be a lot shitload of buccaneers at 7-11 just hanging out waiting to buccan-ay or buccan-ee or whatever?

    Plunder: “Don’t look at my moobies.  They’re very sensitive.”

    (You know I’m going to have to read some of these.)

  5. 5

    These are hilarious. And the last one is so camp it’s wrong.

  6. 6
    Beccah W. says:

    Plunder: I’ve never seen a man cover himself like that…is he trying to play coy, or about to dance around and sing about his lovely nips?

  7. 7
    Holly Bush says:

    I’m on the train coming home from a conference and laughing out loud at this post. Other travelers are staring to wonder. Should I share

  8. 8
    Cate says:

    Ohhh –  just remembered what the Plunder one reminds me of –  Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs !

  9. 9
    Joanna S. says:

    @Cate:  You are so right!  All I could think when I saw Plunder was:

    “Would you like to fuck me?  You know you want to fuck me.”

  10. 10
    harthad says:

    Sentient nipples watch you from the gloom!

    Ok, now I have this mental picture of the nipples rotating like eyeballs. THANKS SO MUCH FOR THAT.

    I swear that’s what Mr. Plunder is covering up. His sentient nipples are afraid of horses. Nooo, don’t look!!!

     

  11. 11
    Dread Pirate Rachel says:

    Aaaand that right there is the reason I should never read Smart Bitches at work. Y’all are going to get me fired for snort-laughing at the office.

  12. 12
    Krista says:

    Lol, show two nipples?!?! That’s just obscene!  One, however, it totally acceptable.

  13. 13
    roserita says:

    I think the gentleman in Plunder is demonstrating the importance of breast self-examination for guys, too.

  14. 14
    Zoe Archer says:

    The hero of SWEET REVENGE is very vigilant, so vigilant that his nipples watch you.

    And if you want more male breast exams…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=VsyE2rCW71o

Comments are closed.

↑ Back to Top