We've joked before about the misplaced weather patterns on romance covers. To quote Candy, sometimes, the grass exhales. Forcefully. And in multiple directions! It's enough to stump even the most attentive of meteorologists. I bet Alabama weathermaster James Spann would be all kinds of sleeves-up, suspenders-on if actual wind patterns matched this cover:
The ocean! His hair! Her Hair! What the hell?!
Historical covers are full of windy confusion. But this week, I received a review copy of a book with a cover that just confounds me, wind-wise. It's clearly logical wind, and it's all headed in the same direction, except for this one part. Have a look:
First, who bounty hunts on a high-speed boat in jeans? (And wow, he must be the most bored bounty hunter, judging by the facial expression).
Second, pull your pants up, young man. Though my compliments to your aesthetician on a superb wax job.
Third, WHAT is UP with the WIND?!
If that boat is going fast enough to kick up that much spray – and they're not nose-down towards the bottom of the ocean, swamping the boat – it's probably pretty windy.
I mean, look. There's spray over here:
There's spray over here:
And no, I don't have any idea why his chair is glowing.
Hell, there might even be bubbles over here:
This boat is clearly flying at some high speeds. Bored bounty hunter moves fast.
But what about her?
OH, COME ON NOW. What the hell is that? BOAT HAIR, people. A boat traveling with that much spray would produce Epic Boat Hair.
When you google boat hair, you get some amazing results. Like poeple with their hair twisted into actual ships and bedecked with small crafts. Like you do.
There is even a Tumblr tag devoted to boat hair of that variety (of course there is. we are only moments away from fuckyeahboathair).
But this is not the Boat Hair of which I speak, the hair which should, normal weather and air current patterns prevailing, be affecting the woman on that cover.
This, my friends, is Boat Hair.
This is boat hair.
THIS is boat hair:
There's even a two-page boat hair website. If ever there was a site with huge hairy potential, it's that one.
But you know what boat hair is not?
It's not this.
That's standing in a studio to be photoshopped later hair. That is In-Romance-Novels-We-Never-Have-Morning-Breath-And-We-Don't-Have-Boat-Hair-Either-Fool hair.
That is ridiculous.