So many of you have forwarded me the articles regarding author Jessica Blair, who is really an 89 year old gentleman named Bill Spence:
The grandfather from Ampleforth, North Yorkshire, was told his books would need to be printed under a feminine moniker if he wanted them to sell – and so his pseudonym Jessica Blair was born.
Bill, 89, has so far written 22 romance novels under the female pen name since his first was published in 1993, with his latest, Silence of the Snow, due out this week.
I love how happy he is, and cheers to him on his success. This guy looks charming and I bet he'd be rolling fun to have a beer with.
But as CC pointed out, when she forwarded me the link to the story, have a look at his upcoming book:
To quote CC, “What on earth is she thinking in that picture?! I'm thinking she's thinking, 'Whatevs, Can we just get this over with?'“
I think we need to caption her. What do you think? OF COURSE, WE DO.
Bring your best saucy creativity and caption that cover – and for extra ?! have a look at the summary copy, which is completely confusing.
Leave your caption in the comments below. I'll pick the winners on Friday 22 February. Feel free to use the “like” button to try to sway my selection.
The winner will receive a $25 gift card to the bookstore of his or her choice, and the people's ovation and fame forever. Standard disclaimers apply: I'm not being compensated for this giveaway, except for the the slight case of hair envy I harbor now that I've seen that hairstyle. Void where prohibited. Open to international residents were permissable by applicable law. Must be over 18 and wearing corduroy to win. Everyone must love corduroy. The sound it makes was the inspiration for dubstep.
So, what's she thinking? Share! Caption that cover!
Kristen Stewart is still not amused
“This is all I’ve got to work with? What, did you already spend your Fabio budget?”
“If you notice, the summary has a very daughters of Sappho theme. That means you shouldn’t be pulling your dick out.”
Yeah, yeah, yeah, electricity crackles every time you touch me, I’m not like your usual woman, you can’t stop thinking about me. Deal with it.
“Just who am I supposed to be anyway? Marie? Veronica? Elise? The other unnamed daughter? … OK, I need a look that conveys anything, nothing, any one, and no one all at the same time. … I can do this. I AM AN ACTOR. (Don’t call me a model slash actress!) … What to do? What to do? … I know. I’ll just use the expression I learned at the Kristen Stewart/Bella Swan School of Acting. … Nailed it!”
She’s totally thinking, “What the heck did you put in my hair?”
You’ve screwed up and now you must grovel.
“She was confused. She didn’t know whether she was Marie or Veronica, or perhaps Elise. She had no idea what she was doing. All she did know was that she was standing next to a snowy field with bared arms and she was cold… and tired of being so damned confused.”
“Silence of the Snow,” brought to you by the Sears Portrait Studio. Mention this book and get $50 off your senior photo package!
(Or, for Simpsons fans)
“You said if I did this photo shoot, I wouldn’t have to touch the drunk.”
“You called me out here to tell me What? You want me to do What? You have GOT to be kidding me.”
Marie didn’t know WTF was happening, She also didn’t care.
“Keep looking at me like that, and you’ll end up as shit-faced as the Photoshopped snow on this cover.”
“What were you saying about global warming again? Yeah, that’s right. I’m pretty sure it was the same thing you said about time travel, and have you seen this get-up I’m wearing?”
Haha, my first thought when I saw that cover was she’s definitely thinking, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
Jodie Foster’s little sister was *really* not impressed by Beaver.
(I don’t think this has been used yet.)
“You ladies were expecting man-titty?”
The Blair Witch Project, WWII edition. Don’t go into the snow alone.
OK, this one made me laugh so hard that I woke up the dog.
Uh oh. Somewhere there’s a Land’s End catalog with o-faced Fabio advertising the latest in merino wool.
Dude, really?
Really?!
Or
I was a teenage zombie know-it-all. If they’d only listened to me, Grandpa wouldn’t be munching on brains right now.
“I just, um . . . farted.”
The snow just wasn’t silent any more.
Yeah right. Sure you’ll call me. After you go back in time. To defeat some Viking. Who can shoot flames from his hands. And who threatens to destroy the space-time continuum. Whatever. I’m so over this.
It’s time to get real about what goes on in the bathroom.
“Yes, I’m still mad at you.”
(can’t resist doing one more)
Greatest Generation, my ass.
Okay, so you wanted some tattoos to emphasize your masculinity. But why did you decide on Hello Kitty and fluttery flower fairies?
“Turning snow into grass is harder than it looks, OK?”
“Look, I have no idea what the summary copy means. I got paid peanuts to wear Mom jeans and an ugly green sweater. Haven’t I been through enough?”
Mr. Roger’s called he wants his pants and sweater back……………
“It’s called FRIGID for a reason, asshat.”
I can’t get past that she reminds me of Lara Pulver (BBC’s Sherlock—Irene Adler). That being said, I see this cover and think:
“In her mind, she decided she’d kill Sherlock, herself. Fake identity, indeed. Safe in the country, indeed. ‘Oh, there’ll be silence in the snow,’ she thought, ‘right after I cut his throat. Look at me! I used to whip people, for god’s sake!’”
Unless he started groveling soon, the silence of the snow was all he would be hearing for a Very. Long. Time.
Whatever, given the craptastic costume and the totally missing Sir Lacks-a-lot-o-brains Has-a-lot-o-muscles this book is tanking anyway.
Market research, seriously?
What-ev-er!
The snow may be silent, but my face says it all, buddy.
Whose bright idea was it to put me in a CORDUROY skirt? WHOSE?!?
“Look, are you gonna’ read the damn book, or not?”