Oh, geez, this was so difficult! It was like a whole thread of unending awesome and corduroy, the Jessica Blair Edition of Caption That Cover.
But I have to woman up and pick the winners in our caption that cover contest. I wish this lady would help me, but no, just stink eye for me.
And now, the honorable mentions:
Wingednike: “Your “Let's do it for our country” line won't work on me this time”
Chocaholicblonde: I never fake a sarcasm.
AnimeJune: “Well *I* was as silent as the snow BEFORE it was cool.”
AnimeJune: “I'm going to need to check your credit rating, tax records, and family history before I agree to release these puppies from their green cashmere cage.”
I loved those who snarked on the cost of the book – that was funny. Honorable mention also to:
Tam B: “And they want $26.52 for the kindle edition? Puhleeze.”
Liz H: It's now $19.04 for the kindle edition. Slightly better, but it's still ridiculous. Ms. Cover Lady is SO not impressed by the by the price drop.
GenghisMom: “Are seriously expecting me to pay $19 for this Kindle edition?!”
Then there were those who might have been present at the photo shoot for this cover:
Shawny Jean: “A corduroy skirt and a green cardigan? Seriously grampa, no one's going to buy this book if you don't at least find me some fuschia or a fichu.”
Mirandaflynn: You SAID this would be a clinch cover. With a Viking. I don't see any Viking here. Do YOU?
rayvyn2k: I was promised mullets and man titty. I'm not moving from this spot until I get them.
Merrymac12: Excuse me, but silence ISN'T golden. Gold is golden. Please use some to update my wardrobe.
ECSpurlock: Seriously? I get widowed HOW many times in this book, and only one decent lay?
Jennara: “Oh, NOW what?” is my thought on looking at that expression. She looks like a woman who's seen one too many time travelers/vampire princes/goblin kings — all of whom promptly forget their Absolutely Vital Mission when they take once glance at Silent Snow there….
Persnickety: Via my husband- Ten years i would have had a half-naked pirate to keep me warm; all i get is 'sensible clothes'. So cheated 🙁
Miranda Johnson: Ok look, I know there's snow in the title but what's the deal with this outfit, old man? Why can't I wear some pretty silky thing like all the other heroines? Why can't I just lounge across a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace beneath some brawny shirtless hunk? I'm gonna be a laughingstock! Where's MY man nipples?!
Juliana: “This is all I've got to work with? What, did you already spend your Fabio budget?”
Violet Bick: “Just who am I supposed to be anyway? Marie? Veronica? Elise? The other unnamed daughter? … OK, I need a look that conveys anything, nothing, any one, and no one all at the same time. … I can do this. I AM AN ACTOR. (Don't call me a model slash actress!) … What to do? What to do? … I know. I'll just use the expression I learned at the Kristen Stewart/Bella Swan School of Acting. … Nailed it!”
Nicole: “What were you saying about global warming again? Yeah, that's right. I'm pretty sure it was the same thing you said about time travel, and have you seen this get-up I'm wearing?”
Crystal F: “You ladies were expecting man-titty?”
Anony Miss: Uh oh. Somewhere there's a Land's End catalog with o-faced Fabio advertising the latest in merino wool.
And there were those who came over with references to all the funny smart things:
Jennifer: “No one “gets” my Bomb Girls* cosplay…”
*This one's for you Canadians!
Rachel: I don't see any Aslan here. Now where is that damn lamp post?!?
Cee Marsden: “A Time Agent. Riiiight.”
Faellie: I think those are corderoy breeches, rather than a corderoy skirt, and she may well be a land girl (wartime replacement for conscripted male farm worker). And in Yorkshire. In which case –
“There's no point you trying that again. The thermal underwear is sewn on, thank you very much, and it's staying sewn on until April.”
Tessa I: “Fuck off, Mr. Cullen.”
KarenF: A haiku:
silence of the snow
tell me my dear jessica
has the screaming stopped?
Nita: “You said if I did this photo shoot, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk.”
OtotheA: Jodie Foster's little sister was *really* not impressed by Beaver.
The first runners up are:
Anna: Excuse me, you plan on saving my life HOW?!
Tamara Hogan: Bitch, please.
JulieB: Fresh off her gold medal performance at the 2012 London Olympics, McKayla Maroney embarked upon her career as a romance novel cover model.
And the winner and recipient of a $25 gift card to the bookstore of her choice:
Lauren: Why didn't you order the crossbow and catsuit like I asked? I've been doing yoga and I even had those three vertebrae removed. There's no way Jim C. Hines is going to notice us now!
Well played Lauren! Please email me to claim your gift card!
Thank you to everyone who entered. I hope you're all practicing this pose for the next time someone tries to interfere with your reading time.
I’d somehow missed the winner—brilliant! Absolutely brilliant.
That was a well deserved win, Lauren. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to find something to wipe all this tea off my computer screen…
OMG I needed those laughs! Those of you who referenced Kristen Stewart/Bella/Edward are fantastic! I thought the same thing about her expression.
I love Julie B’s entry. The model did remind me of McKayla Maroney but I couldn’t figure out how to work it into a title.
I don’t get it. I followed the link to this “Jim C. Hines” person and I still don’t get it. I must be getting too old or something.
Jim C. Hines is a fantasy author. The rough explanation with illustrations is here: http://www.jimchines.com/2012/…
Basically, he takes photos of himself imitating the poses of women (and men) on book covers (usually fantasy) to illustrate how many of the women’s poses involve unnaturally bent spines and limbs, weak or useless holds on their weapons, overly sexualized clothing choice, etc. (If you’ve ever read the escher girls tumblr, it’s the same basic thing.) There have been some charity contests involving other authors.
So the joke is basically “I was promised a clinch cover” with a fantasy theme: “I was promised a fantasy cover, but without the sexy catsuit and a crossbow to aim badly, there’s no point to me doing unnatural things with my spine. Hines will never parody my cover now.”
(Er, if that was too much, feel free to ignore.)