Caption That Cover: Lord of the Windstorm Winner!

Ah, Lord Icy Firepants, he inspores SO MANY! Let's gaze upon his frosty parts again: 

A blonde guy holding a hand filled with fire against a backdrop of a frozen lake and snowcovered mountains. His other hand is resting at his belt, and also has fire in it, which makes no sense that close to the family jewels. And he's shirtless. Because romance novel cover.

Several of the entries referenced Stygian, so have another look at him, too. And if you see his head somewhere, let me know? 

The cover model just has no head. It's photoshopped right off. Just shoulders and grey mist. It's amazing.

Picking the winning caption was no easy task. But I worked through the fiery challenges of the decision. I asked Mr. Stygian for help, but he really wasn't able to offer much assistance, beyond pointing not-so-subtly at his groin. But, By the Power of Flamecrotch… I HAVE THE WINNERS!  Now it's time to crown this week's Caption That Cover champion from the fiery, fearless folks who dared to explain…what the hell was going on in that cover.

Here are the Honorable Mentions:

Lisa J:  He knew the clinic said he may experience a burning sensation, but who would guess it would spread to his hands and burn up everything from the waist down?

Vandy Jones: Saber toothed crotch crickets were no longer a problem for Ragnar the Flaming Viking.

Orchid7: “That's the last time I have anything to do with the ladies in THAT port!” he muttered grumpily to himself, quickly reaching for some fast actin' Tinactin. Perhaps a shot of penicillin was in order too, as he was sure someone was going to notice the scorch marks on his trousers.

Elyse: Only she could soothe the burning in his loins…A tale of Fire, Ice and Tough Actin' Tinactin!

Katie:  Jim Morrison shot out of sleep like a jack in the box. “Come on, baby, light my fire!” he shouted. “Hmmpf,” muttered the groupie still dozing beside him. He leapt to his feet and began kicking through the discarded clothing on the floor. Where was his notebook? “I had the strangest dream,” he explained, riffling under a pair of jeans, “there was a viking wearing a collar. His hands were…ablaze.” Finally he found the battered moleskein and scratched out the soon-to-be-immortal words, “…try to set the night on fire.”

SumGeek: I've got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it…show it…show it….

Wong Pei Xing: It was a burning and passionate love story. One so hot that it will burst into flames and consume your soul… along with your legs.

Anony Miss: Huh. Whadduya know? It really WAS cold enough out there to freeze your @%# off.
(Good thing he got those pocket hand warmers as stocking stuffers)

Kam: “I want you so much my loins are aflame,” he whispered to her in a pained voice. “I mean they are literally on fire.”

Oaxacamama: When Bothvar the Bold told her his loins burned, she'd assumed he meant for her. Now why couldn't she have learned her lesson from her previous lover, who'd told her he'd lost his head?

Maren: Stygian realized too late his error in asking the Lord of Fire and Ice for a little head.

Jesse H: Stop, drop and roll. Stop drop and roll!!


And some Honorable Mentions with Links of Explanation: 

This week Facebook announced new image policies that require banners to contain less than 20% text. My banner on the SBTB Facebook page was… well, a bunch of text. So to conform to Facebook's policy, I'm adding shots of my favorite old skool man-titty covers, starting with my favorite: the Pull My Finger Viking. The Pull My Finger Viking NEVER gets old. I mean that exactly. He never ages. I think it's his finger power. 

Anyway, honorable mentions also go to: 

Karen: That was the last time Borkr went camping with Pull-My-Finger Viking. Sometime after the beans and the thirteenth drink, the matches seemed like a good idea. Obviously, they were not.

Harthad: 1) “No, I'm not PullMyFinger Viking! In fact, I advise you not to pull my fingers at all.” (I feel obliged to point out that PullMyFinger Viking also has no legs…must be a Viking thing.)

And Eherbert made me barklaugh, with this caption: 

Eherbert: Just want to point out that Lord FireIce is using his private parts as piranha bait.

Which references this Australian train safety video, the most addictive song EVER. Worse than “Small World After All.” Really. 

Yeah, sorry about that. 

First runner up goes to:  

Mochabean1: My loins of Fire and Ice can beat your Song of Ice and Fire any day of the week, GRRM!

Iara: Yo Frozone, can you do *this*?

KarenF: Very little is known about Prometheus's Norwegian cousin Pyrometheus.

And the winner of a $25 gift certificate to the bookstore of her choice is: 


Katie Lunsford for being the first with the obvious and yet hilarious: Goodness, gracious…. GREAT BALLS OF FIRE!


Katie, please email me at sarahATsmartbitchestrashybooksDOTcom with your bookstore preference. Congratulations on winning our contest! 

Thanks to everyone who entered – and have a flaming great weekend! 


General Bitching...

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Smwurfy says:

    OMG!!! Ahhahhahahahahhahahahahhahaha

    That video was hilarious- and that song is so addictive! I think I might be singing this tonight!!! =D

  2. 2
    tikaanidog says:

    I am SO going to have that song running through my head now – totally funny :)

  3. 3
    Julie B says:

    Damn!  I just HAD to click on the song link….  :)

  4. 4
    Carrie Gwaltney says:

    I think I might post that video on facebook just to torture all those FB friends.

  5. 5
    Mochabean1 says:

    I LOVED all those entries with the burning passion of a thousand legless vikings.  Thanks for a fun contest and congrats to Katie for her perfect caption!

  6. 6
    ridiculousspider says:

    I snortlaughed at “By the Power of Flamecrotch… I HAVE THE WINNERS!”  I’ll never think of He-Man the same way.  My childhood…up in flames.  ^___^

  7. 7

    Yep, once you see the winner’s entry, it kind of says it all. Congratulations to all the entrants!

  8. 8
    FairyKat says:

    OMG this is fabulous! I’ve been moving house (which is one of the circles of hell) and so have had no Internet for a week (which does not help), and I get back to work and back online and I laughed so much I cried. Also, Yay! Thanks SmartBitchSarah for actually giving me the caption competition. I love you all.

  9. 9
    librarygrrl64 says:

    That video is the BEST! Yes, the tune is an earworm, but it’s so clever and well-done!

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