Lyra is looking for a book. It is one epic fight-em-and-fuck-em (TM Candy) old skool romance, from the description:
Dearest Font of Knowledge, ie- Bitchery
I come seeking help in recovering a book I read ages ago. I won't lie to you, it's something of a wallbanger, but it's one of those you keep reading in the hopes that one of the leads will kill the other just to put us all out of our misery. “But Lyra, why would you want to find a book that bad?” you ask. A very good question- see I'm going to a White Elephant christmas party, and I plan to bring the pain. I've got all my fingers crossed that one of my male co-workers picks it too!
Anyway, onto the book. Um, from what I can remember it takes place in some time between the regency and civil war (you know that black hole that so many “historical” books fall into). Basically the heroine's from England. She's supposed to marry some guy, but the jealous lady villan wants his man meat more. So she has pirates kidnap our feisty heroine- sure, yeah, why not?
Eventually our plucky girl escapes her bonds, dresses like a boy, and with the help of a plot moppet manages to hide from the dastardly pirate captain on his own boat. Because of course. The hero finally shows up when he attacks the pirates, I think. Oh- ps he's got an estate in America, and after finding out that the heroine is a she and not just a *fabulous* pirate he takes her home, makes her his ward, and is basically a dick to her.
They circle like alley cats pretty much the whole book. There's a bit where she tries to elope with some guy who's basically the equivalent of a wet sponge. But lo the hero turns up, hauls her out of the coach, takes her home by way of an inn where they all but fuck each other through the mattress. And when she threatens to run off again, he literally twists her arm into marrying him.
After that things descend into a spiral of screaming, fucking, screaming while fucking, separating, and angsting because they aren't hate fucking. Like I said, I was waiting for someone to get strangled, smothered or shanked with a corest bone. But alas, none of those awesome things happened. I think there's a family reunion, but by that point I was only flipping pages just so I could stand atop this book's corpse, pound my chest & declare myself the winner.
So yeah, I may not be able to remember the title, but I just know that my co-workers and their spouses need this to complete their Christmas.
I tend to think of book descriptions like these as “Catnip for RedHeadedGirl,” because somewhere, her magic knitting needles are vibrating with the signal that, ahoy, a book she must read has been unearthed. Do you recognize this story? I'm betting there will be a run on used copies.