Help A Bitch Out

HaBO: The Best Grab Bag Gift Ever

Help a Bitch Out!Lyra is looking for a book. It is one epic fight-em-and-fuck-em (TM Candy) old skool romance, from the description: 

Dearest Font of Knowledge, ie- Bitchery

I come seeking help in recovering a book I read ages ago. I won't lie to you, it's something of a wallbanger, but it's one of those you keep reading in the hopes that one of the leads will kill the other just to put us all out of our misery. “But Lyra, why would you want to find a book that bad?” you ask. A very good question- see I'm going to a White Elephant christmas party, and I plan to bring the pain. I've got all my fingers crossed that one of my male co-workers picks it too!

Anyway, onto the book. Um, from what I can remember it takes place in some time between the regency and civil war (you know that black hole that so many “historical” books fall into). Basically the heroine's from England. She's supposed to marry some guy, but the jealous lady villan wants his man meat more. So she has pirates kidnap our feisty heroine- sure, yeah, why not?

Eventually our plucky girl escapes her bonds, dresses like a boy, and with the help of a plot moppet manages to hide from the dastardly pirate captain on his own boat. Because of course. The hero finally shows up when he attacks the pirates, I think. Oh- ps he's got an estate in America, and after finding out that the heroine is a she and not just a *fabulous* pirate he takes her home, makes her his ward, and is basically a dick to her.

They circle like alley cats pretty much the whole book. There's a bit where she tries to elope with some guy who's basically the equivalent of a wet sponge. But lo the hero turns up, hauls her out of the coach, takes her home by way of an inn where they all but fuck each other through the mattress. And when she threatens to run off again, he literally twists her arm into marrying him.

After that things descend into a spiral of screaming, fucking, screaming while fucking, separating, and angsting because they aren't hate fucking. Like I said, I was waiting for someone to get strangled, smothered or shanked with a corest bone. But alas, none of those awesome things happened. I think there's a family reunion, but by that point I was only flipping pages just so I could stand atop this book's corpse, pound my chest & declare myself the winner.

So yeah, I may not be able to remember the title, but I just know that my co-workers and their spouses need this to complete their Christmas.


I tend to think of book descriptions like these as “Catnip for RedHeadedGirl,” because somewhere, her magic knitting needles are vibrating with the signal that, ahoy, a book she must read has been unearthed. Do you recognize this story? I'm betting there will be a run on used copies. 


Help a Bitch Out

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Hvitveis van Jole says:

    Lady Vixen by sherlee busbee fits some of the description but not all..?

  2. 2
    Beccah W. says:

    Haha this was excellent to read! Some great one-liners :)

    That being said, I have zero idea what this book it, but I’m pretty sure that I need it to complete my xmas!

  3. 3
    riwally says:

    Geez, I wish I knew what this book was.  Just that description makes me want to scour all the used books stores to find it.  Someone, please find out what it is and put me out of my misery!!!

  4. 4
    ragshop2 says:

    Surely it’s by Connie Mason.

  5. 5
    MissB2U says:

    Can’t wait to see how this turns out…you MUST tell us if they read it or not!

  6. 6
    Cate says:

    “But alas, none of those awesome things happened. I think there’s a family reunion, but by that point I was only flipping pages just so I could stand atop this book’s corpse, pound my chest & declare myself the winner.”

    Lost it. Right here. *shops for new monitor*

  7. 7
    Julieinduvall says:

    I WANT THIS BOOK. Best. HABO. EVER. In the meantime, I have no idea who wrote it. Nicholas Sparks? ;-)

  8. 8
    The Other Susan says:

    “Catnip for Redheaded Girl”…LMFAO.  Thanks, SB Sarah.  Needed this today.  Got turned down for a job I really, really, REALLY needed.  Am holding a pity party.  Anyone who wished to join in is welcome.

  9. 9
    Laylapalooza says:

    Oh man! I think I’ve read this (or something very like it)! Can’t wait to see what other people think it is so I can find out for sure.

  10. 10
    SB Sarah says:

    That bites, Susan. I’m really sorry to hear that. Fools, they are. Fools!

  11. 11
    Lostshadows says:

    where they all but fuck each other through the mattress

    My first thought when I read this was, “sounds uncomfortable, but I suppose it works as birth control.”

  12. 12
    Lyra Archer says:

    Don’t keep us in suspense! If you’re book’s even close to this level of crazysauce it’s something I gotta read.

  13. 13
    Renny says:

    Lmao!! This was truly one of the best HABO ever!! I REALLY hope someone figures out what book this!! I’m dying to read it!!

  14. 14
    runswithscissors says:

    My first reaction to this was Shirlee Busbee too!  It also sounds a bit like someone read The Windflower and thought, huh, I could do kidnapped-by-pirates-twists-arm-into-marrying better … and then – REALLY didn’t. 

  15. 15
    Laura says:

    It sounds mostly like Gentle Rogue by Johanna Lindsey but I’m not 100% sure.

  16. 16
    ridiculousspider says:

    I’ll join you!  I interviewed for a job today and totally bombed it.  I can’t even believe how poorly I did.  ::sigh::  It is like I need interview remedial classes or something. 

    ::offers cookies and wine::

  17. 17
    FairyKat says:

    I teach job interview skills,and the best advice I’ve seen is this: for two minutes before your next job interview, lock yourself in the ladies and stand in a power pose. After about 30 seconds you’ll feel the stress draining out of you, after a minute you’ll be grinning, and after 2 you feel relaxed, competent, clear headed—that is, able to be the best version of yourself for the next 50 minutes.
    I tried it recently, and it worked—also, SCIENCE with TED TALK!…

  18. 18
    sweetsiouxsie says:

    Shirley Busbee came to mind. Her characters are always brutal to eachother, but I don’t know if she wrote this.

  19. 19
    sweetsiouxsie says:

    Or Rosemary Rodgers? She wrote stories that had the main characters at eachothers’ throats.

  20. 20
    CharlotteV says:

    I don’t like old skool romances. I am not at all entertained by the WTFery and rapey power imbalances.

    I am however completely charmed and entertained by the bitchery’s joy and enjoyment with these books. It is truly a love/hate relationship. The level of snark is awesome and the genuine love is charming.

    I love the bitchery.

  21. 21
    Vinessa says:

    It sounds very similar to the original Risen Glory from SEP. It is crazy how many of “this” type of book exists :)

  22. 22
    Rubylew says:

    Watched it and love it – thanks!

  23. 23
    Sycorax says:

    Ugh, I hated ‘Just Imagine’. I ended up having to skip to the end because I just couldn’t take the collective unhappiness of every character and the heroine’s lack of agency after her marriage. The first part was fun, though.

    Like CharlotteV, I find that with a few exceptions (such as ‘The Windflower’) oldskool romances make me upset or angry. However I do love experiencing those same books through reviews and comments here.

  24. 24
    Emma says:

    It’s not Lady Vixen, I read that A LOT in my youth, mostly because I was stunned at oral sexytimes!  He does WHAT?  WHERE?  OMactualG!

    Anyway, I re-read it last year and it’s not this HABO.

    It is deeply squicky and plain WEIRD in parts, I think I’ve got half a review somewhere…

  25. 25
    Namaste Found says:

    Could it be “Savage Surrender” by Natasha Peters?  Does anyone else remember this crazy book?  It would certainly qualify as catnip for the Red-Headed Girl.

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