Your Next Bestseller Title Generator

A row of crayons red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purplePutting aside from all the Fifty Shades variations and parodies, we haven't really discussed the possibilities of changes in book titles brought about by the 50 craze.

Really, there are SO many better character names than grey, and so many more evocative color names as well. I have kids, and my kids have crayons, and, well, have you LOOKED at the names of some crayons? The wtfery is limitless, and after a marathon coloring session recently, I started THINKING. 

That is never good, especially when javascript is involved.

Behold! A Derivative Book Title Generator using all the possible crayon color names I could find, plus a few extra colors I love, and a very few things that should be color names if they aren't already. The color names in the generator are actual color names appearing on crayons (where there reside folks who burn a lot of umber, apparently. And I have no idea what Razzmatazz should look like. Perhaps unnaturally red sorbet)? 

Anyway, let's color!

Hit the button until you get a derivative book title you like. 

Then, write a blurb for it! Describe the fine, fine crazysauce (or totally seriousfacesauce) that will flood your book, and tell us about it. The color can be a character name, but it doesn't have to be – get crazy with the Cheez Whiz, if you like. I mean, it's all derivative at this point right? And nothing is sacred – not even crayon color names! 

You guys shall pick the winner: the entry with the most number of 'likes' by 3pm ET Friday 14 September will win a $25 gift card to the bookstore of the winner's choosing and winner's choice of a Kindle Paperwhite WiFi with Special Offers OR a Nook Glow OR a Kobo Touch. (I hope those special offers come in Razzmatazz, but no guarantees or that or Burnt Umber.)

Standard disclaimers apply: must be over 18 and know the difference between blue violet and violet blue to win. Void where prohibited. Open to international residents. Return your seatback and tray table to their normal upright position. Your seat cushion can be used as a very yellow flotation device. Objects in mirror are larger than they appear (that's what he said).

Get ready: here's your generator! Prepare ye to create silliness! (And thank you to BigStock for the image!)

Your next bestseller should be titled:

Fifty Shades of

Comments are Closed

  1. 1

    Fifty Shades Of Mummy’s Tomb

    While bored out of her skull at a really poorly done Egyptian exhibit, sex hating Lauralie Johnson finds herself having to escape a creepy guy who’s convinced every woman wants to be bossed around because he “read it in a book.” She trips, knocking over a display and touching a supposedly cursed bracelet. (But if it’s cursed, how come no one else has been effected by it? No one knows.)

    As soon as she touches it Lauralie finds herself transported back in time. Luckily the bracelet makes it so she can understand ancient Egyptian. Sadly, now she has to convince one of the Pharaoh’s guards she isn’t as hot for his body as he seems to think. Especially since he insists on using putrid donkey liver to dye his hair and puts lead around his eyes.

    But once he’s cleaned up and less poisonous, will Lauralie find her life long frigidity melting away? And can she avoid those who wish to make her into a mummy?


    Thank you, Horrible Histories, for teaching me about Ancient Egyptian hair dye!


  2. 2
    Anna says:

    Fifty Shades of I’m Not Really A Waitress

    When Lincoln sees the new girl waiting tables at his favourite restaurant, he immediately knows he has to have her.  He immediately begins wooing Tiffany, but soon discovers she’s not an ordinary waitress… she’s a wealthy heiress, reduced to waiting tables after one of her father cut her off in one of his infamous fits of temper.  How can Lincoln possibly continue to pursue her, knowing he can’t ever give her the life she’s accustomed to?  Then again, with a rack like hers, how can he not?

  3. 3
    Kristy says:

    Fifty Shades of Tiger’s Eye or Fifty Shades of Copper Penny Nipples.

    I pretty much have to go with Copper Penny Nipples, don’t I? Despite the fact that Tiger’s Eye brings to mind Sylvester Stallone training in Rocky.

    How about Fifty Shades of Copper Penny Tiger Nipples.

    FSOCPTN is a poignant tail (See what I did there?) of a painfully handsome zoologist – let’s call him Derek – hell bent on saving the endangered Rocky Mountain white tiger. (It’s a true albino tiger distinguishable from other white tigers by its copper colored nipples.)

    The Rocky Mountain white tiger’s nipples are thought to help erectile dysfunction if made into a stew, so they have been poached to near extinction.

    Derek goes undercover to investigate a notorious tiger poacher. That’s when he meets the clumsy, virginal Kitty (short for Katherine). Is she really the master mind behind the mass tiger slayings, or is she perhaps a tiger of a different stripe?

    Spoiler – she’s also trying to save the tigers – duh. Poaching aint sexy!

    Oh, and her nipples are also copper colored, because why not?

    NYT best seller list, here I come!

  4. 4
    Sveta says:

    Fifty Shades of Malachite

    One day Savannah Moonstone’s father goes missing and she discovers that the last person to see him was a man named Captain Bryce Terwick, who is rumored to be a pirate. Confronting the man in the bar she threatens to expose that he’s the kidnapper and immediately demands the information or else the return of her father. He refuses her request, but not before she learns that he will take a trip across the sea. So she hides in the boat. Then she discovers his secrets…

    Captain Bryce Terwick is innocent, at least in regard to kidnapping Savannah’s father. He knows the kidnapper and what her desires are, but in other matters, he has a dark and shady past of domination, submission as well as the games that he thought he had left so long. Yet why does one look from Savannah stir his loins and make him want to return to the past he thought he abandoned?

    Find out in this exciting new trilogy titled Fifty Shades of Malachite where the games at sea will be charged with electricity.

    Warning: Not an actual series or book.


  5. 5
    Anonymous says:

    I don’t see a button.

  6. 6
    Sarah Loch says:

    Fifty Shades of Ogre Odor

    Aish’leagh is desperate to save her people, the nomadic Huntrr’gathrr, from the depredations of the vicious, barbaric ogre tribes that keep driving them further into the desert. Desperate enough, in fact, to submit herself to the demands of the Ogre chieftain, Man-titi. Expecting a life of degradation and humiliation, Aish’leagh is surprised to find that she is more than a match for his barbarian passions. When escape beckons, will she return to her own people? Or has she been seduced by the subtle scent of her savage sweetheart?

  7. 7
    runswithscissors says:

    Fifty Shade of Purple Pizzazz.

    This is my boss, Jonathan Scarlet, a self made 26-year-old billionaire.  He’s quite a guy.
    This is his wife, Sapphire.  This is one lady who knows how to coordinate her colours.
    I’m Max.  I take care of them, which ain’t easy – because when Sapphire and Scarlet met, it was …
    Purple Pizzazz.

  8. 8

    50 Shades of Cerise

    When Silence of the Lambs uber fan/interior decorator meets a creepy but handsome billionaire while decorating his Jersey mansion she’s swept away by her attraction. Soon they’re shagging all over town, defiling all her other clients new furniture but what happens when the same clients end up dead? It couldn’t be the creepy billionaire could it? But, but she loves him! 

  9. 9
    Allison says:

    50 Shades of Shiny Shamrock

    What happens when a poor, lonely virginal young woman travels to Ireland after winning a surprise vacation?

    Rebecca has had it with her life. All she has ever known is rejection. She is too tall, too plain, just…too. Then, she meets Siobhan, a crazy, billionaire leprechaun who claims to want nothing more than to make her dreams come true.

    Who cares if she is 3 feet shorter than Rebecca? It just gives them that much more room to roll around on the bed, getting to know each other intimately.

    Rebecca had no idea how much she’d learn to love shining Siobhan’s shamrock.

  10. 10
    Catherine says:

    Fifty Shades of Sunburnt Cyclops

    Ten years have passed since the Trojan War ended, and Penny’s husband is still missing, presumed… well, nobody knows what to presume, but stories range from shipwrecks on islands populated by seductive princesses to men transformed into pigs (not, in Penny’s view, much of a transformation).  Seeking answers, Penny abandons her textiles business and embarks on a voyage to Greece, in the company of her friends Scylla and Charybdis.  Her voyage takes a turn for the bizarre, however when she is greeted by a mysteriously tanned man with a very long… bow. 

    In this erotic Odyssey, Penny will indeed be sailing in uncharted waters.  But in the end, she has only one choice to make – will she spurn her oddly familiar suitor?  Or will she submit to the powerful pleasures of His Sunburnt Cyclops?

  11. 11
    Jaelwye says:

    50 Shades of Alien Armpit

    When Alicia flees to Iowa to escape her sparkly billionare stalker in New York, little does she expect to be kidnapped from the middle of the state fair by the multi-armed Glag’Zur, Emporor of Theta Prime, who is determined to wrest the gorgeous earthling’s attention away from her deep-fried stick of butter and show her what 250 fingers can *really* do.

    Can Alicia reconcile herself to a cholesterol-free life as Empress of the Thetanoids (who incidentally, are the only sentient race to have invented deoderant before the wheel)?
    h/t Doug Adams

  12. 12
    Muddler53 says:

    50 Shades of Fuzzy Wuzzy
    Yes, that’s right, the next 50 Shades is double derivative! A M/M romance featuring innocent Wuzzy, who learns to embrace his “bear” side under the alph-hole tutelage of Master Had No Hair.

  13. 13
    TheDuchess says:

    Fifty Shades of Tan

    Meet Sharlene, a bored and boring security guard yawning her way through her days and night shifts. Until one magical spray tan changes it all…

    When genius billionaire playboy philanthropist Charles Smith meets Sharlene, he is mesmerized by her tan. And he cannot wait to unbutton that uniform and reveal it all to his hungry gaze.

    But what happens when he finds out that the tan he adores came out of a bottle? Will Sharlene ever be able to go back to her colorless life? Will she want to? Or will the tan get Sharlene her man?

  14. 14
    Sara Horney says:

    Fifty Shades of Neon Carrot

    After she’s unsanctimoniously fired from her job in the big city, Vanessa St. James needs a little R&R. So she heads to the shore…The Jersey Shore!

    To make ends meet, Vanessa takes on a part time job at a laundromat fluffing and folding until one day she catched the eye of the Shore’s most notorious Guido getting the L in his GTL routine on.

    Ponciano Patirani wants nothing more to dominate the cute little Guidette who’s invaded his GTL routine. He can’t stop thinking about her and it’s driving him mad with lust.

    Will Vanessa give into Ponciano’s advances, will she submit her will to him… and will she ever find out if he’s that colour orange all over?


  15. 15
    starropal says:

    Fifty Shades of Shiny Shamrock

    Italia still had a hard time believing she was in Ireland. She had been so surprised to find she had won a contest that she didn’t even remember entering. It was almost fate as she had been at the lowest moment of her life after her boyfriend had left her, taking their dog with him, for her evil stepmother. The stepmother who had just had her father declared legally dead after he had gone missing during his own trip to Ireland nearly a decade ago. It had been while looking at her plane that she knew: This could not be coincidence, she would find her father.

    When she meets a short pale stranger, Seamus Stere O’type, while backpacking across country, she’s thrown into a world she couldn’t have imagined. A world of dark magic, deep mysteries, and even darker and deeper passion. Will the fact that he can give her a lifetime of shoes make up for the truth of his secrets?

  16. 16
    starropal says:

    StarOpal here.

    Fifty Shades of Shiny Shamrock was my entry. For some reason I was having problems with posting my comment and it wouldn’t let me sign properly.

  17. 17
    Silver James says:

    Ha! Fifty Shades of Silver could be my autobiography but I digress. Instead, I present:


    Corporate raider Steele Blew has an all-seeing eye that’s never seen the light of day. His cyclops does it’s best work under cover of darkness. Steele seduces business rivals and lovers alike with his mighty cyclops, renowned for rising to all occasions.

    Free spirit Daisy Chaine lives for the sun and owns Lumber Island, the all-nude resort Steele wants to buy. Despite her proclivity for baring it all, her tanned and toned body has never felt the power of the might wang.

    Will Steele win her over or will his FIFTY SHADES OF SUNBURNT CYCLOPS be brought down to mortal size?

    (Grrr. Discus is not playing nicely today. Had to go with the fallback and sign in with twitter.)

  18. 18

    Fifty Shades of Absolute Zero
    In space, no-one can hear you scream…with passion!
    The NuErth plan to colonize Mars by the year 2175 isn’t going well, what with the away team beset by malfunctioning terraforming equipment, sabotage by a ruthless rival company, and their own raging hormones.

    Chief Terraforming Engineer Cylindra Silverfish must oversee the project while choosing between two very different men: the coolly logical yet silkily seductive maintenance android Zero Six Seven Four One and fiery mercenary Slade “Neutron” Biggins, who is determined to destroy both the NuErth project and Cylindra’s own crumbling defences…

  19. 19

    If I’d read any Wilkie Collins, I’d have taken a stab at Fifty Shades of Moonstone.

    Fifty Shades of Pearly Purple

    Heather had spent years preserving her virtue, only to find her resolve weakening when she crossed paths with the splendiferous Carl Mulberry. Overcome by a covetous yearning, can Heather maintain her ambrosial immaculacy long enough to create a permanent affinity between them; or is she destined to be swept up in rushing tide of Carl’s ephemeral desire and the author’s flagrant abuse of the thesaurus?

  20. 20
    Vandy Jones says:

    Fifty Shades Of Big Foot Feet
    The forbidden romance between the hairy man of the north woods and the innocent young Chastity. 
    She never should have taken that walk in the woods that fall afternoon.  But she did and she meet something that logic told her should not exist, but he was so paradoxically tender and the hair kept her so warm when he led her close. 
    Would their love survive the exposure or would they have to hide in the woods for all time?

  21. 21
    gnome_de_plume says:

    FIFTY SHADES OF BEAVER (Harlequin Historical)

    The year is 1756, and women are few and far between in the unsettled Canadian wilds where Francois Turgide plies his fur trapping business. When he finds Marie alone in the harsh landscape, the lonely man woos her the only way he knows how, by teaching her everything he knows about beavers.

  22. 22
    Zee Lemke says:

    Fifty Shades of Lemon Glacier

    Taboo—-and titillating!

    Determined to reform the gas station drink industry, college student activist Saffron accepts a marketing internship with flavored slush giant Glacier Ices. Her successful campaign linking delicious cherry and blue raspberry ices with the purity of endangered glaciers gets her attention from the national media—and from her boss, the frosty and controlling Winter Glass. He finds her feminism an enticing challenge, and begins to trust Saffron with his deepest, most unconventional desires. But as their hearts begin to thaw, the very publicity that drew them together threatens to tear them apart. Can Winter’s icy calm and Saffron’s gift for spin overcome society’s censure?

  23. 23
    Amy S. says:

    Fifty Shades of cosmic cobalt

    Cosmic Cobalt is the name of the UFO ship that Christian Brown is riding on to go to Earth.  He had read a book called Fifty Shades of Grey and wanted to meet an earth woman like the heroine in the book.  Cosmic Cobalt lands in Roswell, New Mexico.  The first person Christian sees is Tammy Black.  Tammy is the grand-daughter of one of the aliens from the UFO back in 1947 in Roswell.  Christian knows he has found his one when his eyes changes to cobalt blue as it happens to all who find their one on his planet Cosmosis.  Now he has to convince Tammy to go with him to his planet or he will die in 12 days.  Meanwhile Tammy believes Christian but how can she leave the only home she has ever known.

  24. 24
    claritygolden says:

    Teehee, thanks for the excuse to waste 45 minutes! Great contest!

    50 Shades of Big Foot Feet

    28 year old Carrie Carruthers is gorgeous, smart, and the pre-eminant expert on snail reproduction in the Pacific Northwest. She has it all…except sexy, feminine feet. Instead, due to a rare genetic mutation, her feet are freakishly, disgustingly enormous. Children run from her in tears, and her deformity has made intimacy with a man just wishful thinking. She has resigned herself to a lifetime of loneliness and shoe shopping at the clown supply store, but one day a chance encounter with a doctor at her university cafeteria gives her hope. Research is being done on a new type of surgery that can reduce her foot size and finally give her a chance at normal.

    At just 15, wunderkid David Burke invented a mechanical burrito wrapper that took the world by storm. Now a 30 year old billionaire, David has nothing but leisure time and an excess of money, both of which he spends in selfish pursuit of his one obsession: a woman with giant feet. His fetish goes beyond simple podophilia, however. He craves enormous, hairy feet. He has spent a decade with his eyes trained on the ground, pursuing the biggest shoes he sees, but it is never enough. After nearly being squashed by a runaway hot dog cart while staring at size 13 pumps, David decides it is time to move past his obsession and start contributing something positive to the world. He donates $1 million to the medical center at a local university, convinced it will fill the void in his life…until he meets the first subject of the medical center’s new program.

    David’s intense attraction unlocks a passion in Carrie she never knew existed, and her revolting, animal-like feet push him to new depths of sexual ecstasy. Can David move forward with his plan to donate the money that will eventually take away the feet he has grown to need? Can Carrie give up the only man who can take her to the heights of passion for the chance to shop at a normal shoe store? Or can they both keep getting off on the right foot?

  25. 25
    Grbrst says:

    50 shades of Goldenrod

    She was a celtic peasant, wondering if there was more to life than cows, green hills and hiding from Viking raids.

    He was more than just an invader, he was the leader, his real name unknown, everyone knew him as the Goldenrod, for good reasons.

    *Disclaimer: I won’t research for historical accuracy, I’m too tired for that.

  26. 26
    Carla says:

    Fifty Shades of Sasquatch Socks

    Garret Lilwang is tired of being an outcast among his people. Garret is Sasquatch in size and nature in every way but the way that counts. One day as he is wandering through the Adirondacks looking for people to terrorize he comes across his one chance at love. Through the dewy branches of a Sugar Maple he spies the most beautiful woman he has ever seen and knows he must make her his.

    Jane Notabitty is a dwarf who is just slightly too tall to fit in in the dwarf community . She is tired of being rejected because her 4 1/2 foot stature makes her stand above the rest. When she gets separated from her hiking companions and lost in the Adirondacks she is amazed and terrifed to find herself in the sights of Garret Lilwang.

    Can these two find happiness under the Sugar Maples of the Adirondacks? Will Jane’s love be enough to overcome Garret’s shortcomings? Will Garret be able to love and cherish Jane without crushing her spirit and tiny body? This is a heartwarming journey of two mismatched people that come together against all laws of nature.

  27. 27
    Rij says:

    Fifty Shades of Smashed Pumpkin

    In August Esme Carmichael found out why her parents didn’t want to talk about Uncle Rick. Apparently growing organic pumpkins for a living wasn’t a proper career for a Carmichael. Now Uncle Rick had moved onto God’s pumpkin fields and to spite his relatives he left his farm to Esme.

    Esme knows nothing about farming. But since her boss at a Los Angeles PR firm just took off for the Caribbean with a powerful client’s wife, she needs to find a new way to make a living. With Halloween approaching she has to learn fast.

    Sean Abercrombie is on the run from the mob. He had the bad luck to witness a shootout while making deliveries for his bakery. Now he’s holed up in Esme’s barn and when she discovers him, in desperation he offers to bake her a pie. Naked. With pumpkins. Anything, as long as she won’t tell Don Vito’s men where to find him.

    How many pumpkins must be smashed before these two realize that they were made for each other?

  28. 28
    JayHJay says:

    Fifty Shades of Shiny Shamrock

    Allison is bored and lonely, spending her mornings staring longingly at the Lucky Charms box, wishing for an Irish lad of her own and the magic rainbow beyond.  If only she could have that life, full of marshmallowy goodness, instead of her dull existence.

    One day Allison is eating her breakfast as normal, when suddenly, she finds her magically transported to Ireland, spoon in hand!  She is stunned, but as an avid romance reader, this girl knows the drill and off she goes in search of her very own Irish hottie.  And of course immediately stumbles upon Liam, washing in a nearby river.  Though strangers they are instantly and fiercely attracted to one another, and can’t help but get it on quickly and intensely.  Though from totally different worlds, it is true love, and finally Allison has found her very own Shiny Shamrock!

  29. 29
    Jimthered says:

    Fifty Shades of Blast off Bronze

    You wouldn’t think that a sexy sculptor like Anna would find true passion with a bronze statue of an astronaut.  And you’d be right.  But this has “Fifty Shades” in the title, so it’ll make tons of money anyway.  HAH!

  30. 30
    Lady T says:

    Fifty Shades of Alloy Orange

    Getting a gig to paint a haunted house didn’t seem like much of an opportunity for love to Rick but when he went to show color swatches to Glinda,the not so good witch of the Northwest,his luck for lust appeared to change faster than the falling leaves.

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