And…We’re Back! Let’s Punish the Evildoers

So let me tell you about my morning! 

While I was taking my cats to the vet (they LOVED it) (NOT), someone hacked the Bitchery palace and tried to drop links to those male erectile dysfunction drugs that are constantly advertised during football and baseball games. Two bathtubs on a hillside, that kind of thing (WHY are there bathtubs?). 

So there were errors and WTF? and email messages of, “Um, is something wrong?” when I got back online. 

THEN I had to take the site offline and attempt to fix it, only to discover that files were edited without my knowedge (Fuckers) and there were backups missing (Oops). 

Lesson 1: Always back up more often than you think you have to! 

So with the help of Really Awesome People, the site was fixed – but then I had to restore older versions of the offline template which… inflicted all of you with April Fool's Fabio.

Sorry about that. 

So now we're back up and security things are being secured, much to my relief, and links to penile function drugs are now removed, but SERIOUSLY. That is SO UNCOOL.  I am celebrating that starting today, in the US, insurers are required to provide many women's health care services including birth control with no up-front costs, but I didn't at all mean to host links to drugs that are already covered and allow more longer lasting boners (though that's certainly a good thing for everyone, both preventative care and long lasting boners!). 

Thus, I am devising appropriate romance-inspired punishments for those who hack other people's sites to do a bad job of advertising drugs. 

Lesson 2: The answer to hacking is More Fabio. 

I decree that those who hacked this or any site be forced to endure Fabio narrating everything. Your cookies are done? Fabio is your oven timer. Your phone is ringing? Fabio wishes you to answer the call. Time to wake up? Fabio wishes you good morning! 

Further, I decree that every hacker who goes on a date be faced with one of those characters who speaks only in cliche. Male or female, doesn't matter to me.
“Where do you want to eat?”
Answer: “You are so full of life!”

“What time is it? 
Answer: “We'd better get a jump start on that bad guy!”

Further, should any dates with said hackers progress toward actual sexytimes, the other person will be one of those characters who narrate their every thought during the act of passion, using as many orgasmic cliches in a row as possible. Ripe melons bursting within her? Everyone needs to hear about that! 

I'll be continuing my wishful punishments for most of the day, but in the meantime, I apologize for the site being down, for the accidental Fabio, and the interruption of your daily Bitchery. We're working on making sure the palace is extra secure (more guards!) and that there's more backups (with more guards!). 

Any suggestions for awfu punishments? Bring it on. 

Thank you to BigStock for the image!