So let me tell you about my morning!
While I was taking my cats to the vet (they LOVED it) (NOT), someone hacked the Bitchery palace and tried to drop links to those male erectile dysfunction drugs that are constantly advertised during football and baseball games. Two bathtubs on a hillside, that kind of thing (WHY are there bathtubs?).
So there were errors and WTF? and email messages of, “Um, is something wrong?” when I got back online.
THEN I had to take the site offline and attempt to fix it, only to discover that files were edited without my knowedge (Fuckers) and there were backups missing (Oops).
Lesson 1: Always back up more often than you think you have to!
So with the help of Really Awesome People, the site was fixed – but then I had to restore older versions of the offline template which… inflicted all of you with April Fool's Fabio.
Sorry about that.
So now we're back up and security things are being secured, much to my relief, and links to penile function drugs are now removed, but SERIOUSLY. That is SO UNCOOL. I am celebrating that starting today, in the US, insurers are required to provide many women's health care services including birth control with no up-front costs, but I didn't at all mean to host links to drugs that are already covered and allow more longer lasting boners (though that's certainly a good thing for everyone, both preventative care and long lasting boners!).
Thus, I am devising appropriate romance-inspired punishments for those who hack other people's sites to do a bad job of advertising drugs.
Lesson 2: The answer to hacking is More Fabio.
I decree that those who hacked this or any site be forced to endure Fabio narrating everything. Your cookies are done? Fabio is your oven timer. Your phone is ringing? Fabio wishes you to answer the call. Time to wake up? Fabio wishes you good morning!
Further, I decree that every hacker who goes on a date be faced with one of those characters who speaks only in cliche. Male or female, doesn't matter to me.
“Where do you want to eat?”
Answer: “You are so full of life!”
“What time is it?
Answer: “We'd better get a jump start on that bad guy!”
Further, should any dates with said hackers progress toward actual sexytimes, the other person will be one of those characters who narrate their every thought during the act of passion, using as many orgasmic cliches in a row as possible. Ripe melons bursting within her? Everyone needs to hear about that!
I'll be continuing my wishful punishments for most of the day, but in the meantime, I apologize for the site being down, for the accidental Fabio, and the interruption of your daily Bitchery. We're working on making sure the palace is extra secure (more guards!) and that there's more backups (with more guards!).
Any suggestions for awfu punishments? Bring it on.
The palace could use more guards showing some man titty. It would certainly make my day better.
Sorry you had a hacker.
I think having them have to listen to “My Heart Will Go On” aka, that damned Titanic song, on repeat for a couple of hours would be suitable. 🙂
Glad you’re back to normal!!!
If you’ve ever heard the old joke, you’ll get this. If not, apologies… (Feel free to email me for the entirely dirty and inappropriate joke.)
I wish upon the hackers death by bunga-bunga!! 😉
Some over-the-hill dweebs in speed-o’s with bald heads and chests in the front and braidable back hair and long butt weaves would do the trick (picturing this now) **gag**
Awwww…I like Fabio! I don’t think he’s sexy (he has bigger boobs than me) but I do get a kick out of how self-effacing he is. See his appearence in the music video “I kissed a Girl” – the cool one by Jill Sobule not the rip off by Katy Perry
http://www.videodetective.com/…
Anyway, Sarah, sorry your AM totally sucked – hope cats are ok and you can drink a frappachino with your feet up.
Favorite quotable quote of the day: “The answer to hacking is More Fabio.”
Indeed!
Glad you’re back and all is right with the world. I can’t top the punishments mentioned here, though my fave is making them listen to Celine Dion singing that Titanic ditty.
My suggestion:
Make them watch NBC’s coverage of all the really undiscussed sports on loop for 2 weeks. Then they can’t discuss the Olympics at all because no one will be talking about their relevance. Then make them follow Seacrest around for a full 24 hours.
Their dates not only talk in cliche and narrate everything, they do so in Fabio’s voice.
Oh, maybe Seacrest (what did Jon Stewart call him? the most over-exposed land mammal?) should interview them while they’re watching an endless loop of Matt Lauer saying something inane.
I’m already cranky today, so I share Sarah’s annoyance. And I didn’t mind the Fabio so much as the twinkly stars.
I say make him flaccid forever and always ‘the friend’
I hope that they are forced to listen to the audiobook of 50SofG with their mothers.
I think the answer to everything is More Fabio!
I ha! I love the idea of watching Matt Lauer. We could add Costas and on the really inappropriately timed interviews, they’re just all giving dating advice. But that would punish the poor people that date the offensive spam hackers. So we’ll just let them prattle on. With a lot of energy drinks in the hackers so they get nonstop drivel.
I panicked there for a while. So glad you’re back! Fabio on a continuos loop for them!
Thought of another one: Plot moppet day care director!
We could inflict my favorite Georgette Heyer punishment and have them nibbled to death by ducks.
Rabid, erect ducks.
Oh Thank God; it’s not me! I was so depressed this morning thinking something was wrong with me and my browser.
Also Sarah seriously why Two bathtubs? Side by side? How fun is the Viagara if you’re not together? I see those commercials and constantly wonder why.
I guess sex and old people equals sore muscles?
@Jody Wallace awesome punishment. My mother doesn’t usually say anything about me reading romance, but she does disapprove of FS of G. “You’re not reading those books where the people hit each other with paddles.” No ma I am not but I squirmed when she brought it up.
@DreadPirateRachel Also Jennifer Crusie in Crazy for You.
http://goo.gl/59892
I always figure that by the time they lug the water up to the bathtubs on the hillside, the water’s cold. Nothing’s better than clammy water in a hillside bathtub, apparently.
Or, as Julia Quinn would have it, pecked to death by pigeons.
Dearest Sarah,
If ever anyone needed this edited version of The Serenity Prayer it would be you for what you had to endure today. (Feel free to substitute the word “people” for “hackers” if you so desire). Here you go and hope tomorrow’s a better day for you:
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they ticked me off”!!
So sorry to hear about this trouble. I cannot quite come up with a suitable punishment, though they surely deserve it. But I can recommend a short article everyone should read on backups (one-sentence version: you don’t have a backup until you tested that you can perform a restore with it; but Joel Spolsky explains it much more persuasively)
http://www.joelonsoftware.com/…
May they be called to act as mediators between metalheads, rappers and Beliebers, where the only method of arguing is youtube video responses, and they are unable to go to the bathroom until they manage to make them all decide to get along.
I was freaked out yesterday when I suddenly heard this deep, male voice start speaking to me during my idle internet browsing..it took me a while to realise what was going on and I couldn’t figure out why. D: Sorry that it was hacking and glad everything is sorted out now!
I guess you’ve really arrived, yes? *wiggles eyebrows*
Holy mantitty… I want WANT a Fabio alarm “Eet is time to wake and be segzy!” I would wake up to that. I don’t think I would hit the snooze button. Or maybe I WOULD just to hear that again.
My poor husband…
I think an appropriate punishment would be to make the hackers be forced to watch *accurate* erectile dysfunction ads, where the guys are walking around with bulges in their pants the whole frickin’ time.
My hubby’s suggestion: they all receive a gross of the rubber scrotums that hang from the trailer hitches of redneck pickup trucks. Then they get smacked in the head anytime they try to insert (snort) erectile dysfunction drug links.
I think the hackers should have to listen to the song Itzy, Bitzy, Teeny, Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini over and over and over. I’m sorry about your hackers, Sarah.
I think the hackers should actually be forced to spend their entire period of active erection in separate bathrubs from the object of their desires. That a curse shall be laid upon them such that ONLY sitting alone in a bathtub will permit the erection, and that all erections disappear wothout a trace upon leaving the bathtub.
And a passing thunderstorm willst gazing upon the sunset while in said tub wouldn’t go amiss either.
I just love living in a world where one of the results of intentional mayhem is accidental Fabio.
SOrry you got hacked. Their world should also suddenly become fuschia! The house, the car, their workplace. Fuschia should become the color of the hacker.
i dont think hackers date. its not in their genetic code. its why they hack. severe lack of social skills.
They should actually have to take the erectile dysfunction drugs on a twice daily basis for a month and walk around in tight jeans during the entire time.
You win at life for the Jill Sobule nod. 😀 I’ve never even heard the Katy Perry version, b/c I resent its taking away Jill Sobule’s deserved credit for being awesome.
The hackers should have to listen to me tell stories about my dogs for an hour. That is, an hour for each transgression.
On second thought, maybe that’s too harsh…I can be *very* boring about my dogs, especially the two that died.
Maybe the commercial is showing the Safety Protocol for the erection lasting more than four hours, and the wife is in a separate cold tub for moral support while Bob’s nob calms down?
Otherwise, I agree with the obvious fact that separate tubs would seem to negate the very reason for taking a boner drug.
I’ve said, more than a few times, that hackers should be stood against a wall and pelted with computer parts. If we want to bring romance-inspired punishments into it, though, I suggest that they must take an entire handful of erectile dysfunction drugs before being stripped and stood against the wall. Then, to a medley of the most over-wrought ballads of Celine Dion, Sarah McLachlan, Marc Anthony, & Melissa Manchester, a bevy of beautiful women (all wearing fuchsia, of course) will point and laugh at their pitiful, drug-induced erections while Fabio, man-titty exposed, flexes in the background. Once this hits the four hour mark – the point at which they are supposed to seek medical attention per those commercials – they can go to the doctor if they crawl over computer parts to get there while their mothers read aloud to them from 50SoG.