And…We’re Back! Let’s Punish the Evildoers

Man in a polo with a So let me tell you about my morning! 

While I was taking my cats to the vet (they LOVED it) (NOT), someone hacked the Bitchery palace and tried to drop links to those male erectile dysfunction drugs that are constantly advertised during football and baseball games. Two bathtubs on a hillside, that kind of thing (WHY are there bathtubs?). 

So there were errors and WTF? and email messages of, “Um, is something wrong?” when I got back online. 

THEN I had to take the site offline and attempt to fix it, only to discover that files were edited without my knowedge (Fuckers) and there were backups missing (Oops). 

Lesson 1: Always back up more often than you think you have to! 

So with the help of Really Awesome People, the site was fixed – but then I had to restore older versions of the offline template which… inflicted all of you with April Fool's Fabio.

Sorry about that. 

So now we're back up and security things are being secured, much to my relief, and links to penile function drugs are now removed, but SERIOUSLY. That is SO UNCOOL.  I am celebrating that starting today, in the US, insurers are required to provide many women's health care services including birth control with no up-front costs, but I didn't at all mean to host links to drugs that are already covered and allow more longer lasting boners (though that's certainly a good thing for everyone, both preventative care and long lasting boners!). 

Thus, I am devising appropriate romance-inspired punishments for those who hack other people's sites to do a bad job of advertising drugs. 

Lesson 2: The answer to hacking is More Fabio. 

I decree that those who hacked this or any site be forced to endure Fabio narrating everything. Your cookies are done? Fabio is your oven timer. Your phone is ringing? Fabio wishes you to answer the call. Time to wake up? Fabio wishes you good morning! 

Further, I decree that every hacker who goes on a date be faced with one of those characters who speaks only in cliche. Male or female, doesn't matter to me.
“Where do you want to eat?”
Answer: “You are so full of life!”

“What time is it? 
Answer: “We'd better get a jump start on that bad guy!”

Further, should any dates with said hackers progress toward actual sexytimes, the other person will be one of those characters who narrate their every thought during the act of passion, using as many orgasmic cliches in a row as possible. Ripe melons bursting within her? Everyone needs to hear about that! 

I'll be continuing my wishful punishments for most of the day, but in the meantime, I apologize for the site being down, for the accidental Fabio, and the interruption of your daily Bitchery. We're working on making sure the palace is extra secure (more guards!) and that there's more backups (with more guards!). 

Any suggestions for awfu punishments? Bring it on. 

Thank you to BigStock for the image!
Categorized:

Ranty McRant

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  1. 1
    Lisa J says:

    The palace could use more guards showing some man titty.  It would certainly make my day better.

    Sorry you had a hacker.

  2. 2
    Evaine says:

    I think having them have to listen to “My Heart Will Go On” aka, that damned Titanic song, on repeat for a couple of hours would be suitable.  :)

    Glad you’re back to normal!!! 

  3. 3
    Sandy James says:

    If you’ve ever heard the old joke, you’ll get this. If not, apologies… (Feel free to email me for the entirely dirty and inappropriate joke.)

    I wish upon the hackers death by bunga-bunga!!  ;)

  4. 4
    riwally says:

    Some over-the-hill dweebs in speed-o’s with bald heads and chests in the front and braidable back hair and long butt weaves would do the trick (picturing this now) **gag**

  5. 5
    CarrieS says:

    Awwww…I like Fabio!  I don’t think he’s sexy (he has bigger boobs than me) but I do get a kick out of how self-effacing he is.  See his appearence in the music video “I kissed a Girl” – the cool one by Jill Sobule not the rip off by Katy Perry
    http://www.videodetective.com/

    Anyway, Sarah, sorry your AM totally sucked – hope cats are ok and you can drink a frappachino with your feet up.

  6. 6
    Lauren Willig says:

    Favorite quotable quote of the day: “The answer to hacking is More Fabio.”

    Indeed!

  7. 7

    Glad you’re back and all is right with the world. I can’t top the punishments mentioned here, though my fave is making them listen to Celine Dion singing that Titanic ditty.

  8. 8
    Hell Cat says:

    My suggestion:

    Make them watch NBC’s coverage of all the really undiscussed sports on loop for 2 weeks. Then they can’t discuss the Olympics at all because no one will be talking about their relevance. Then make them follow Seacrest around for a full 24 hours.

  9. 9

    Their dates not only talk in cliche and narrate everything, they do so in Fabio’s voice.

  10. 10
    Karenmc says:

    Oh, maybe Seacrest (what did Jon Stewart call him? the most over-exposed land mammal?) should interview them while they’re watching an endless loop of Matt Lauer saying something inane.

    I’m already cranky today, so I share Sarah’s annoyance. And I didn’t mind the Fabio so much as the twinkly stars.

  11. 11
    Shiloh walker says:

    I say make him flaccid forever and always ‘the friend’

  12. 12
    Jody Wallace says:

    I hope that they are forced to listen to the audiobook of 50SofG with their mothers.

  13. 13
    Violet says:

    I think the answer to everything is More Fabio!

  14. 14
    Hell Cat says:

    I ha! I love the idea of watching Matt Lauer. We could add Costas and on the really inappropriately timed interviews, they’re just all giving dating advice. But that would punish the poor people that date the offensive spam hackers. So we’ll just let them prattle on. With a lot of energy drinks in the hackers so they get nonstop drivel.

  15. 15
    Zulma says:

    I panicked there for a while. So glad you’re back! Fabio on a continuos loop for them!

  16. 16
    SB Sarah says:

    Thought of another one: Plot moppet day care director!

  17. 17
    DreadPirateRachel says:

    We could inflict my favorite Georgette Heyer punishment and have them nibbled to death by ducks.

  18. 18
    Tamara Hogan says:

    Rabid, erect ducks.

  19. 19
    Emily A. says:

    Oh Thank God; it’s not me! I was so depressed this morning thinking something was wrong with me and my browser.

    Also Sarah seriously why Two bathtubs? Side by side? How fun is the Viagara if you’re not together? I see those commercials and constantly wonder why.
    I guess sex and old people equals sore muscles?

    @Jody Wallace awesome punishment. My mother doesn’t usually say anything about me reading romance, but she does disapprove of FS of G. “You’re not reading those books where the people hit each other with paddles.” No ma I am not but I squirmed when she brought it up.

    @DreadPirateRachel Also Jennifer Crusie in Crazy for You.

  20. 20
  21. 21
    SB Sarah says:

    I always figure that by the time they lug the water up to the bathtubs on the hillside, the water’s cold. Nothing’s better than clammy water in a hillside bathtub, apparently. 

  22. 22
    CarrieS says:

    Or, as Julia Quinn would have it, pecked to death by pigeons.

  23. 23
    Alice says:

    Dearest Sarah,
    If ever anyone needed this edited version of The Serenity Prayer it would be you for what you had to endure today.  (Feel free to substitute the word “people” for “hackers” if you so desire).  Here you go and hope tomorrow’s a better day for you: 

    “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they ticked me off”!!

  24. 24
    MD_uk says:

    So sorry to hear about this trouble. I cannot quite come up with a suitable punishment, though they surely deserve it. But I can recommend a short article everyone should read on backups (one-sentence version: you don’t have a backup until you tested that you can perform a restore with it; but Joel Spolsky explains it much more persuasively)

    http://www.joelonsoftware.com/

  25. 25
    Maite says:

    May they be called to act as mediators between metalheads, rappers and Beliebers, where the only method of arguing is youtube video responses, and they are unable to go to the bathroom until they manage to make them all decide to get along.

  26. 26
    C? says:

    I was freaked out yesterday when I suddenly heard this deep, male voice start speaking to me during my idle internet browsing..it took me a while to realise what was going on and I couldn’t figure out why. D: Sorry that it was hacking and glad everything is sorted out now!

  27. 27
    Carolyn says:

    I guess you’ve really arrived, yes?  *wiggles eyebrows*

  28. 28
    Flo_over says:

    Holy mantitty… I want WANT a Fabio alarm “Eet is time to wake and be segzy!”  I would wake up to that.  I don’t think I would hit the snooze button.  Or maybe I WOULD just to hear that again.

    My poor husband…

  29. 29
    Jimthered says:

    I think an appropriate punishment would be to make the hackers be forced to watch *accurate* erectile dysfunction ads, where the guys are walking around with bulges in their pants the whole frickin’ time.

  30. 30
    ksattler says:

    My hubby’s suggestion: they all receive a gross of the rubber scrotums that hang from the trailer hitches of redneck pickup trucks.  Then they get smacked in the head anytime they try to insert (snort) erectile dysfunction drug links.

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