I notice that when I read romances, I really enjoy scenes from the hero's point of view. I love the change in perspective, but more importantly, I love scenes where, because I know the character from the prose, I almost know already what he's thinking.
But then, I realized, we've known for a long time what men are thinking in romanceland. Take, for example, these marvelous examples of portraiture which are all courtesy of the amazing old skool collection of JamiSings, who scanned and sent all these images to me.
I think we've been subtly taught by these cover images what the romance hero is thinking, particularly about fashion. These heroes are here to guide us through important heroic wardrobe decisions.
Wardrobe is very important. Whether you're in the dazzling Tudor court or the sparkling Regency or the semi-carbonated Jacobean era, what you wear is crucial. See? This poor man looks miserable.
“It's cold and windy. I'm in the Highlands. The weather forecast is ALWAYS 'chance of cold and windy.' So why in the name of bridle fringe didn't I wear a shirt today? Flat Male Nipples do not keep a man warm.”
When it comes to fashion, a hero worth the designation has his limits as to what kind of suggestions he will allow from the heroine.
“Look, this is my LUCKY SPARKLE VEST. You may not wear it. You haven't even pulled your Spanx all the way up and you're wearing TWO SCARVES. Fix that before you even speak of my Lucky Sparkle Vest.”
And some heroes are easily distracted by other people's wardrobe decisions:
“I'm sorry, what were you saying? I was transfixed by, um, the, uh, puckered rosebuds. Yeah.”
And yet some heroes remain a mystery to me, to you, possibly to everyone.
Horse: “Look. He's the Prince of Mom Jeans and Duke of Combover, not Viscount Google Maps. Do you really want to ask him for directions? I didn't think so. Move along, nothing to see here.”
Seriously, I'm not sure about that last guy. I'm not sure what he's thinking. What do you think?
The Prince of Dreams horse looks both sad and accusatory—like he can’t believe they’ve done this to him. All the other horse cover models will be mocking him.
I actually like the Sea Raven’s lucky sparkle vest. And thigh high buccaneer boots. But I have no clue whatsoever what’s going on with that woman’s pants/mid-section. Her Depends undergarment is bunching up or something (obviously no toilet facilities for wimmins on the pirate ship).
Me too, only it was along the lines of “F*** me, that IS a dragon.”
From the way the guy and horse are both staring in the same direction on that last cover, it makes me suspect something interesting is actually happening behind the viewer.
The more I look at the Prince of Dreams the more I think he looks like Richard Marx circa 1989 sans mullet. Probably just me…
O.O a flowbee. I dunno if I’ve ever even HEARD of that! YIKES!
This made me search for other odd covers…and so behold the glory of this cover. I’m not sure what is going on here, but its safe to say at least that his (?) nipples are too dangerous to be displayed.
For some current WTF hero wardrobe decisions, check out “After the Abduction” by Sabrina Jeffries. I’m not sure what sort of elasticized, assymetrical creation the hero is wearing, but I can’t tear my eyes away!
Ruh Roh – I forgot my sunblock and my shirt!
That last expression looks really familiar.
From high school.
Where I spent a lot of time handing out with “that crowd” behind the bleachers. Heh.
Actually, the horse kinda looks like he got into the stash, too.
It’s not that easy being red
Having to spend your seed on scarlet silk sheets
When I would be much hotter in blue on my horsie of snark
Or something in leather and studded mail.
It’s not that easy being red
It seems you’re mistaken for so many very horny making things
But people say, “Meh. Another vamp.”
Cause you’re a boring suckerbite
With flashy sparkles growing dimmer
And zombies on the rise.
But red’s the color of fire
And red can be hot and smexy-like
And red can be big like the sun
Or important like my donald wig
Or flat like my nips.
When red is all there is to see
It could make my vamp butt fry
But why sizzle why sizzle
I slurp red; my horse is white
And better move. The gods damned sun is coming up!
“Flat like my nips.”
*Splutterlaugh*
BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAH. Well played.
If I remember the book correctly, that scene on the cover from Prince Of Dreams is actually from a dream the heroine was having that he controlled. Both of them riding on the beach, then he pulls her off her horse and starts seducing her. Or maybe they both agreed to get down. I don’t remember that much. I just remember a scene in some book involving a vampire controlling a dream, horseback riding along the beach, and her nipples being sucked through a silk dress.
You think that’s a guy? Cause from the boobage, the incurving waist and the rounded belly I thought woman. Not that the cover isn’t still snarkable, but yeah, totally a woman.
Prince of Dreams has been posing for a very long time. Check out one of his early gigs.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/F…
Is it just me, or has the Highland Heaven hero either (a) had an unfortunate bonding experience with a yellow-striped shirt, or (b) recently been BBQed by the villain on a grill that had been soaked in several gallons of butter? (I suppose it’s just barely possible that he belongs to a tribe of primitive Highland warriors that paint themselves with horizontal yellow stripes in honor of the ancient chieftain Sun-Through-Windowblinds, but that strikes me as a long shot.)
Or it might’ve been my scanner. Your’s are more amusing though.
Glorious article, I wish you had ten more covers to snark about. The lucky sparkly vest! That was just priceless. Every word fit in perfectly with the cover image. Her hand is even grabbing at his vest already!
And that poor guy on the horse really doesn’t deserve what the cover designer did to him. I would expect that facial expression from someone who just got smacked in the face. And did the designer ever see bridles in his/her/its life? They usually aren’t frozen in nice decorative curlicue shapes.
I read a lot of romance novels at a time when there apparently was some law for romance novels to have a really embarrassing cover image of a women with bare legs and a man with bare upper body making out in front of scenic wall paper and close to a wind machine. (Maybe the idea was to scare women away from buying them.)
So maybe it’s a sort of automatic reaction? In the world of romance novels, when manly men fall in love, they don’t blush, stammer or get insecure, but find perfectly convincing reasons to shed their shirts. Or maybe they are melted away by the onslaught of testosterone?
“what the hell am i doing on this horse?” or maybe “who am i?” he just looks totally blank. Ooh. maybe he’s the villain and is displaying his blank affect.
Am I the only one who looks at the cover for Justin’s Bride (#3) and think it’s J.C. Chasez from ‘N Sync?
I was thinking the guy on Prince of Dreams (#4) looked like Jeff Fahey.
http://trialx.com/curetalk/wp-…
Personally, I’m partial to the Lucky Sparkle Vest!
Last call if anyone wants any of of these or any of the others I’m weeding out. There’s some Amanda Ashley and some that are obviously from my “anything even remotely Phantom Of The Opera/Beauty & The Beast like” obsession. On Tuesday the 22nd I’ll be taking them to work with me. Heck, if one person wants them all – and there’s quite a few, I’m not going to list all the titles, you’re welcome to them.
E-mail is JamiSings@gmail.com – if I don’t hear from anyone by 8:30 am PST on Tuesday they’re all going to the Friends to be sold for 50 cents each.
Just FYI They have been in storage in cardboard boxes so while they’re still whole some are curved and all have yellowing.