There are levels of trouble in cover art land. There's “a little trouble,” like when the eyes of a cover model's face are Photoshopped a little crooked. There's “a lot more trouble” like a cover with nipples so erect that you could hang ornaments and some garlands off them. And then there's “WTFTROUBLE,” which is where we are today. Brace yourself as we take a look at some covers of “Beautiful Trouble Publishing” which specializes in erotic stories, some short, some romance, some bedecked with Poser. But each one teaches something important, I think. And not just the ages-old lesson, 'Always have the eyewash station handy.'
Now, much of this website is NSFW, but this is extra more NSFW, so be ye warned.
Here is some trouble sent to my inbox by Nicole:
First, there's the cover. He's gonna prick you.
But then, there's the price: $2.25 – and the size, 129k. 129k is SMALL. How small? Check the reviews: four 1-star reviews all complaining about the waste of money since the story takes “5 minutes to read” and that it “was way too short there was no story no plot build up.” One reviewer says the story is about 10 pages long.
So now we've learned: avoid expensive, too-small pricks.
Then there's this one:
What the hell is going on there? Where are her legs? What happened to the rest of her body?
AND WHY IS HIS ASS ALL WRINKLY WHILE HIS BUTTCRACK IS CROOKED?
Well, that might be the most realistic part of the cover, really, all those ass crevices. But you'd think if the woman was going to be sawed in half with Photoshop, they'd have at least given the poor guy a bit of a butt lift.
And yet there is a lesson here as well: Some guys have all the luck, some guys have all the pain, while other guys have women growing out of their thighs.
“Just one… more…finger…so…hungry…. almost…there…..”
This one's obvious: spay and neuter your pets, and for God's sake, feed them regularly!
I can't fault the cover for portraying the woman with thighs like Volkswagen Beetles (TM Chris' Invisible Super Blog) because she is, according to the description, a bodybuilder. But I can call shenanigans on the title, If You Must Wake the Tiger, Use a Long Lick, and on the abuse of Scriptina, which should be outlawed from all covers henceforth and forever.
That said, this cover goes really well with If It's Tuesday, There Must be Dildos, which reigns supreme as the best title ever. Perhaps this is the new wave of advice and fortune cookie fortunes: obscure romance titles. Now we know what to do with Tuesday, and with Tigers!
The more You Know!
