Learning from Trouble

There are levels of trouble in cover art land. There's “a little trouble,” like when the eyes of a cover model's face are Photoshopped a little crooked. There's “a lot more trouble” like a cover with nipples so erect that you could hang ornaments and some garlands off them. And then there's “WTFTROUBLE,” which is where we are today. Brace yourself as we take a look at some covers of “Beautiful Trouble Publishing” which specializes in erotic stories, some short, some romance, some bedecked with Poser. But each one teaches something important, I think. And not just the ages-old lesson, 'Always have the eyewash station handy.' 

Now, much of this website is NSFW, but this is extra more NSFW, so be ye warned. 

Here is some trouble sent to my inbox by Nicole:

Book Cover

 

First, there's the cover. He's gonna prick you. 

But then, there's the price: $2.25 – and the size, 129k. 129k is SMALL. How small? Check the reviews: four 1-star reviews all complaining about the waste of money since the story takes “5 minutes to read” and that it “was way too short there was no story no plot build up.” One reviewer says the story is about 10 pages long. 

So now we've learned: avoid expensive, too-small pricks. 

Then there's this one: 

 

Book Cover

What the hell is going on there? Where are her legs? What happened to the rest of her body? 

AND WHY IS HIS ASS ALL WRINKLY WHILE HIS BUTTCRACK IS CROOKED? 

Well, that might be the most realistic part of the cover, really, all those ass crevices. But you'd think if the woman was going to be sawed in half with Photoshop, they'd have at least given the poor guy a bit of a butt lift.  

And yet there is a lesson here as well: Some guys have all the luck, some guys have all the pain, while other guys have women growing out of their thighs. 

 

Book Cover

 

“Just one… more…finger…so…hungry…. almost…there…..”

This one's obvious: spay and neuter your pets, and for God's sake, feed them regularly! 

Book Cover

 

I can't fault the cover for portraying the woman with thighs like Volkswagen Beetles (TM Chris' Invisible Super Blog) because she is, according to the description, a bodybuilder. But I can call shenanigans on the title, If You Must Wake the Tiger, Use a Long Lick, and on the abuse of Scriptina, which should be outlawed from all covers henceforth and forever. 

That said, this cover goes really well with If It's Tuesday, There Must be Dildos, which reigns supreme as the best title ever. Perhaps this is the new wave of advice and fortune cookie fortunes: obscure romance titles. Now we know what to do with Tuesday, and with Tigers! 

The more You Know! 

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    DreadPirateRachel says:

    Re: An English Rose

    “Hey, honey, I was just sorting the laundry and I found your cell pho—OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THAT ROSE?!?”

  2. 2
    Nicole B says:

    An English Rose kept popping up in my recommended reads at Amazon and I couldn’t not click because my brain was all “no…couldn’t be…OH CRAP yeah that IS as awful as I was hoping it would not be.” I just knew that I had to send it on. Then I looked at the rest of the site and whoa and damn and…and I don’t know but it was an experience in awful hilarity.

  3. 3
    CarrieS says:

    I thought the problem with the rose guy was that he is all uneven.  Seriously, look at his many pecs.  He looks like he was photoshopped in half and then glued back together just slightly wrong.

  4. 4

    No.1 has shaved pubes. Pricks indeed

    No.2 looks like Rush Limbaugh in a wig giving birth to a sexy lady (who is only a torso, so maybe she had to go with whatever gigs she could get)

    No.3 looks like MacGyver, but MacGyver would never let a wolf bite his lady’s finger off when he’s got his knife *right there* (and her dress is made of used duct tape, just saying)

    No.4 Dear God, what is that thing? And you want to put what what in my twat?

    A big NO! to all of them, thank you. And put down the blur tool no.4 and no one will get hurt.

  5. 5

    Abdomens just don’t *work* like that!

  6. 6
    Aubrey Watt says:

    [Fucking] An English Rose: Did they use the warp tool to give him a spare tire? o__O

  7. 7

    I got nothing except they made me giggle enough to startle the dachshund.  Thanks for sharing.

  8. 8

    Okay, I just have to say it, how did the guy on #2 get my butt? Right down to the paleness.

    #3 – Looks like Gentle Ben has gone man-eater.

  9. 9
    Donna says:

    Did you notice that 2 & 3 seem to be the same woman? There is life after a disastrous motorboat accident!

  10. 10
    Sofia Harper says:

    @Donna If you have not been bestowed with a bitchery name, you should for that comment alone. LMAO!

    Cover number #2 is just bad. Bad, bad, bad. It’s like a centaur after being doused with the same stuff that made the Incredible Hulk. Just wrong.

  11. 11
    Donna says:

    Why, thank youm Sofia!
    I was also wondering did they warn model #1 that that bucket of water came directly from the North Atlantic before they tossed it at him?

  12. 12
    CK says:

    How bad is it that after staring at One Night Forever (in order to figure out what happened to her legs and how the cover artist missed that) the title font started to resemble tentacles? Especially the ‘F’?

  13. 13
    SarinaArahovas says:

    Is it wrong to feel sad, disappointed, and failed by the romance/erotica world for things like this even existing?

  14. 14
    Kate4queen says:

    I’m just… no, I can’t think of anything to say yet. I need at least five more cups of tea.

  15. 15
    R.Savage says:

    Why is it always the worst of Poser art too? Not that I do covers except for my own amusement…but even with half a brain it’s relatively easy to do up a decent render.

    /hangs head, wishing the flask of whiskey in her desk drawer was here instead of at home

  16. 16
    Jodi says:

    I swear that #2 has two different men Photoshopped together in as a weird chimera with the woman…What has been seen cannot be unseen!

  17. 17

    I don’t know… the rose thing worked for Mr. McAvoy in Shameless.

  18. 18
    Sofia Harper says:

    That’s because it’s McAvoy.

  19. 19
    Maria510maria says:

    That last one requires maximum brain bleach and scrubbing. It’s like mutant/radioactive ken and barbie posed nude. And the creepy eyes, they are watching you, even when you scroll away, still watching….****shudder***+*

  20. 20

    True, true.  I’d clean barbed wire off him with my teeth.  For Humanitarian purposes, of course.

  21. 21
    MaddBookish says:

    RE: One Night Forever … That ass … it will be in my nightmares forever. Why is brain bleach not a real thing?

  22. 22
    HellyBelly says:

    Very funny. And sad at the same time.
    Did you notice that the tiger book dude with the creepy stalker eyes has a seriously weird right-hand bicep – looks like someone took a photoshop axe to it in order to create a more def look. Fail.

  23. 23
    Jorja Tabu says:

    I laughed out loud at #2—the drooping man-sari that gives us such a delicious view of his ass crackles is actually my favorite part—but I kind of adore #4.  Can you imagine the mania of the person creating that cover?  I want to meet them, and listen to them talk about aliens and conspiracies. 

    The first one repeatedly pops up as a rec on my book’s pages (because it’s an interracial romance).  I haven’t read any of these, though—maybe I should?  My covers aren’t that much better.

  24. 24
    roserita says:

    Re: #2: It looks like above her arm it’s a man’s back, and below it somebody put in a baby’s butt.  No way is that one person.

  25. 25
    Oem says:

    The authors of If You Must Wake the Tiger, Use a Long Lick have written quite a few interesting stories… They’ve got one called Tyrannosaurus Sex. Seriously… And the description for that one is insane.

  26. 26
    Ducky says:

    Well, in comparison to the other covers the nekkid guy with rose cover is classy.

  27. 27
    Sofia Harper says:

    LMAO! For the sake of all humanity I would help.

  28. 28
    The Other Susan says:

    No. 3:  Is that a dog, a wolf, or possibly a werewolf?  And it has the funniest look on it’s face, like “Dude!  Look at what the humans are doing!”

    And that guy *does* look like MacGyver – with a mullet!

  29. 29

    “that guy *does* look like MacGyver – with a mullet!”

    Hate to break it to you but MacGyver was Mullet Central. Only he made it look good.

    Okay, I lied about that last bit. But he was so awesome that mullethood somehow failed to dim his glow :)

  30. 30
    Nikki says:

    The insides are also very concerning.  I have read a few of the books out of curiosity.  The really publish a lot of interracial relationships with is interesting. There is one author who has potential but overall they are in dire need of an editor.  That and someone needs to take photoshop away.

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