A Description of Nipples - The Winners!

Boy, oh boy, did you all ever rise to the occasion, tweaking the very best phrases into hilarious, pointed entries describing the romance novel nipples! It's the Bulwer-Lytton of nipples, y'all. The entries were so hilarious, it's been a challenge to pick the winner. Mostly because I kept laughing! 

But here are the honorable mentions: 

His eyes were closed, but his nipples stood erect, watching her, their areolae as dark as the deep chocolate pools of his irises, undressing her with their hungry gaze as she walked toward the bed. – Elizabeth Lloyd


Lisa playfully kissed her way up his chest. She took his nipple in her mouth and rolled her tongue around the nub, like the head bitten off a gummy bear and just as sweet… – Mia

He slid his fingers up over her nipples. They were shiny little nubs, just like the positive end of a AA battery. He felt their electric current shoot through his fingertips, zapping him with their nippleness. – Angie R


“His hot gaze swept over her body which she had all but surrendered to him. Her nipples stood proud like two mighty siege towers. She tasted like Irish Spring Deodorant Soap. He vowed then and there to have all of her. Like a mighty warlord, he would lay siege to her like a castle…in Ireland…in the Spring.” – Christyrae75

“Her breasts were the kind of rocket tits that appeared during Cold War Playboy spreads, the smooth lines of skin tapering down to nuclear pink tips. His tongue wandered over into the demilitarized dark zone of her areola, skimming lightly over the tiny raised bumps as though trying to work his way through a particularly hazardous minefield.” – Aubrey Watt


She gasped as his palm grazed her bare breast and the sensation awoke her nipple, which had been sleeping like a hairless mole rat beneath the surface and now poked its fleshy muzzle out from the sandy lair of her aureola.His own nipples strained against his tight cotton shirt like a pair of over-excited rice krispies. – Wordgeeksarah


Where her chest once harbored two gorgeous cupcakes complete with a plump raisin on each tip, she now laid claim to a pair of prodigious bananas that seemed woefully bent on staring at her new pink bunny slippers. – KBR

His craggy, bronze nipples peaked out from his luxurious pelt of chest hair, reminding her of how Devil's Tower rises up from the Great Plains. Sighing heavily, she just hoped there would't be any other reminders of her last family vacation, especially Deadwood. – Michelle C.

We have three runners up, because I couldn't pick just one: 

Nipples like two left-over hot dog tips, the part nobody wants to eat because they look like wrinkled anuses. – Jody Wallace

Her breasts reminded him of the call bell sitting on the front desk in the lobby-small, cute and impossible to ignore… -Tabbs

The poolboy watched, enthralled, as she shimmied out of her bikini and bared her breasts the sky. Her nipples were two miniature sundials, one reading 10:20 and the other 10:27. He stepped closer, then hesitated.
“What?” she asked, a bit impatiently.
“Sorry… it's just, I know daylight savings started today, but I can never remember which way to set the clock.”
“Oh,” she laughed. “That won't be a problem. If you spring ahead, I'll fall back.” – Karen F

And the winner, with many reader votes and the honor of making me howl, is LJMysticowl

Her nipples beckoned him like elevator buttons. He pressed one to go down…

Congratulations to LJMysticowl, and thank you to everyone who entered the contest. LJM, please email me at sarahATsmartbitchestrashybooksDOTcom to claim your winnings. 

And for the rest of us, try not to notice all the nipple cliches now! I can't stop noticing them, especially the copper penny flat male nipples. They're freaking everywhere! 


Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    girlygirlhoosier52 says:

    You all have ruined my reading…. oh my ….  I don’t think I could have been responsible for picking a winner…. between the rice crispies… the pink bunny slippers… hot dog tips…  dang… what fun!

  2. 2
    India says:

    OMG, I couldn’t get past the naked mole rats because I was laughing so hard…as hard as nipples that were as hard as naked mole rat muzzles…

  3. 3
    MissB2U says:

    I’m having a “things you can’t unsee” moment even though I didn’t actually see any of those…arrggghhhh!  My eyes, my eyes!

  4. 4
    Bnbsrose says:

    I have to thank everyone who posted to their never to be equalled nipple descriptions. As much as I love a good social issue debate, this is what makes me love this cite more and more. Smart women (and men) having a damn good time.

  5. 5
    Jody Wallace says:

    On that note, I believe I’ll have some sweet potato tots and a coney from Sonic for dinner. But I won’t eat the ends. They look too much like anuses.

  6. 6
    Emily says:

    I’m so glad the elevator button nipples won!  I laughed so hard when I read that I thought I was going to choke.  I don’t think I’ll be able to ride in an elevator anymore without giggling . . .

  7. 7

    Too much fun reading these.
    I’m sure I have a book to write . . . but honestly, I can’t think straight!

  8. 8
    marypreston says:

    THANK YOU!! This was so much fun to read.

  9. 9
    Michelle C. says:

    Congratulations to everyone who participated in this bit of fun, both contributing and reading. And to LJMysticowl for such a great post.

  10. 10
    khodgie says:

    Now don’t get me started about “long fingers.”

  11. 11
    Lucy Francis says:

    Oh, I can barely see to type now. I laughed so hard, my eyes teared up. Thanks so much for this!

  12. 12
    LJmysticowl says:

    Thank you, everyone! And a big thank you to Sarah. I’ll fess up now that one of the books I spent the gift card on isn’t a romance (Why are Rex Stout’s Nero Wolfe ebooks so unreasonably priced?!), but the other one is, one of today’s HABOs in fact. I haven’t reached the nipple parts of it yet, I’m hoping for something suitably juicy.

  13. 13
    Jorja Tabu says:

    I think you should start a blog that specializes in graphic nipple descriptions, culled from unexpected sources…Like Nero Wolfe ebooks.  :)

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