I think there's a missed opportunity in romance land, particulary in paranormal romance land, particularly in the lucrative gifting market.
I'm talking about anniversary gifts. You know how there's a chart of what gifts are symbolic of each year of marriage, and people can get downright goofy adhering to the suggested gifts? Like, say, my husband, who, for our tenth anniversary, wrapped my present in tin foil because the traditional gift was tin/aluminum. I should be thankful I didn't also get a tube of Reynolds wrap, too.
Some of the traditional lists I've seen stop usually at the 60th anniversary, known in some charts as the “diamond anniversary,” while the 75th is also the diamond anniversary. I myself am partial to the 48th US Modern anniversary, which is “Optical goods,” or the 44th, which is the ever-so-romantic “Groceries.” Nothing tops the 41st and 42nd anniversaries, though, which are “Land” followed by “Improved real estate,” because clearly, whoever bought the land last year did not know what they were doing, and they need another shot at that gift.
Also, how does one wrap groceries? Stick a bow on the bag?
Anyway, aside from wondering what possible gifts one might receive when the theme is “original poetry tribute,” and how many times the word “Nantucket” might be involved, I realized that these lists, the US traditional, UK traditional and US modern, are terribly inadequate.
What about the immortal couples?
I mean, come on. All these paranormal creatures living forever, having curtain-shredding orgasms and amassing pots of money, surely they run out of gift ideas after the 156th anniversary. What about them?
I think there should be a chart for the immortal anniversaries, for all those creatures who have neverending lifespans, and a lot of time to shop when they're not having orgasms, saving the world, and doing whatever else they do for eternity. I'm going to guess that they'd only count decades after the first century or so, so my chart just counts by tens.
| 100th | 10 Carat Diamond |
| 110th | Diamond mine preferably conflict-free |
| 120th | Country (not music, an actual country, preferably conflict-free) |
| 130th | A monkey (haven't you always wanted a monkey?) |
| 140th | 60 Minutes, the complete series on DVD |
| 150th | Beanie Babies. All of them. With tags! |
| 160th | The shroud of Turin, or a Dead Sea Scroll, your choice |
| 170th | Snow globe |
| 180th | Plutonium (Uranium is also acceptable) |
| 190th | Swiffer |
| 200th | A planet (Pluto doesn't count. It's not a planet anymore.) |
There, doesn't that just make the neverending future seem even more wonderful? What gifts would you suggest for the perpetual anniversary? I mean, it's eternity. There's always room for more stuff.
250th: Enrique Iglesias trapped in amber
252nd: Forever Lazy
264th: The Declaration of Independence (stolen from Nicholas Cage)
265th: Nicholas Cage’s hairpiece
275th: Siberian Tigers trained to make cupcakes
360th: Round Tuits. (Particularly poignant for the old-school vamps who brave church bazaars to buy them.)
@SB Sarah, I have always wanted a monkey, but I would rather a green dress (but not a real green dress—that’s cruel).
145th: a bejeweled elephant.
I picked 145 because that’s “Indian Elephant” in Gematria (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/G….
@Elizabeth Gunther, I long for the day when all green dresses, real or faux, are cruelty-free!
500th: A real live actual unicorn that you’ve created by a combination of selective breeding and genetic manipulation of horses for the past 500 years.
Pre-wrapped bacon 🙂
500th: A Unicorn with Neil Patrick Harris riding it and carrying a baby wallaby
After the 1000th anniversary, you end up getting into weird territory.
1027th – Hitlerdroid
1066th – Invasion of England
1137th – One hair of George Lucas, preserved in lucite, embedded in a really big sound system.
1492nd – Husband must discover new land, but wife has to pay for the expedition
1945th – 1959th inclusive – Hats
1963rd – Assassination of a popular politician
1967th – Free love (note: most immortal marriages do not survive the 1967th anniversary)
1974th – Bell bottoms
LOL. Especially the 1137th.
Would the 1588th gift be a Spanish Armada?
a velvet Elvis painting, preferably the fat Elvis. It’s a great way to class up any mansion.
Nooo! It needs to be Elvis in leather from the ‘68 Comeback Tour Special!!
Excuse me. Pluto definitely counts, and it will always be a planet.
I know… ALL ORIGINAL NORA ROBERTS BOOKS. ALL of them. In MINT condition. Including PROMISE ME TOMORROW.
For the 250th. Oh, and they have to be signed in crystal ink.
300—An as of yet undiscovered element, stabilized
310—The entire cast of Glee circa 2011, preserved as zombies and ready to sing on cue.
320—A house made entirely of books and chocolate bars, preferably dark chocolate.
322—A river of coffee, dark roast.
330—A time machine—so we can go back and relive the chocolate bar year.
the ultimate would be the present Elvis who haunts trailer parks and gas stations, and I will fight anyone who says Elvis is not alive. LOL.
250 – Rampant Rabbit. Because, let’s face it, things are going to be getting a bit… samey by now.
@sbsarah: Digging the Barenaked Ladies reference!
1000000th – all the fanciest Dijon ketchups
I may have to change the site title: Come for the romance, stay for the competitive unicorn anniversary gifting.
777th The Love Toilet
I’m going to assume I’m supposed to read the monkey one, “Hav-int youalwayswanted a mon-KEY?” Yes?
For every anniversary: The Ultimate Magic Fingers Bed (cuz after so many years, you’re going to need it) Of course, maybe just have the mate (husband) use his own magic fingers to do the ultimate….hmmmmm oh yeah
530 A giant natural-habitat zoo
540 A cruise around the universe (the couple proceeds to argue about which direction to go first)
Oh, gods. I can never unsee that.
What DreadPirateRachel said.
gah
Well, if you’re going to have a fat velvet Elvis, you also need a super-sized (read “obese”) statue of David.
http://www.thegreenhead.com/20…
357th—A Roman empire (specify Holy or Graeco-Roman on gift box.)
358th—An excuse to fight so you can have window-rattling makeup sex
359th—Shamwow
1000 – a retrospective slide show of all your previous anniversaries and other highlights of your lives together, put together by that one great-great-great-grandchild who puts the over in over-achiever (strange how a good half of the pictures include him/her). By the time you get done watching it, it will be time for the 1001st anniversary. 1001 anniversary – couple’s only trip, no cameras allowed.
Oh, god, the love toilet. So dismayed I won’t be around for that one.
chortle…@jaye… wow. you find the most special presents ever!
750th – a treefort with a fridge
800th – a K-car, a nice reliant automobile 🙂
473rd: Paris.
474th: Alan Richman reading romance novels. In person. Dressed in riding breeches, tall shiny black boots and a linen shirt. Yeah.
475th: I’m good with Paris and Alan, thanks.
365th: calendars (Gag gift or passive-aggression?)
1001st: Editions of “The Secret of The Old Clock” in hieroglyphs, Esperanto, interpretive dance, etc.
500th the body of your archenemy encased in carbonite.
And I’ll see your unicorn, roasted in dragon fire for dinner.
Oh, I forgot: Kraft dinner on the side.
1000th anniversary:A stable and functioning private doorway to a parallell, unspoiled Earth, so that you can both have your own, planet-sized private nature preserve as well as access to all the hottest new technology and the comforts of civilazation!
oh….the love toilet….
I can’t stop laughing after reading all of these suggestions. I’m jealous….now I want to be immortal….godsdamnit 🙂
That’ll be the day when Kermit can finally shout from the rooftops that it IS easy being green.
I thought we wouldn’t have to eat Kraft dinner!
449th: leaf peeping
450th: Peeps
451st: arson
452nd: Etsy!
453rd: No-Hell Motel (not a typo)
454th: teeter-totters
455th: I Dunno, What Do YOU Want To Do?
555th: prank phone calls