Caption This Cover: I Can’t Have That

This cover was sent to me in the email by an anonymous source. I tweeted about it last night before I had to sign off for the evening, but I had to share it with you here, too.

Book Cover

Why is the ass crack the most objectionable part of that image such that it had to be airbrushed shut? WHY does she have no crack?!

The sample is even weirder:

He was in the dark. She was in the dark. They were in the dark.

Nothing like erotic verb conjugations.

This ass of mystery doesn’t look any better going the other direction, either.

Book Cover

I think we need to caption this cover. Best caption in the comments wins $25 to the bookstore of the winner’s choice. Weeping Cock is ahead of us by a bit so have a look at the comments for inspiration if you need it.

Standard disclaimers apply. I’m not being compensated for this giveaway except for the epic laughter. Void where prohibited. Open to individuals 18 years of age and older. This entry was manufactured in a facility that also contains nuts. Not recommended for children. For external use only. Silica Gel: do not eat.

You have 24 hours, and of course you may pimp and promote your favorites in the comments. So bring on your best caption – ready, set, go!


Comments are Closed

  1. 1

    It sort of looks like a Barbie doll butt. You know, how they have the indent for a butt-crack, but it’s not really there for anything but show? (Amusing, really, when you think about why a doll needs a crack-for-show…) That’s kind of what this reminds me of.

  2. 2
    Dee Tenorio says:

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Omg, I’m hacking laughing here. Maybe that girl on the cover has spina biffida?

  3. 3
    deadline hell says:

    It sort of looks like a Barbie doll butt. You know, how they have the indent for a butt-crack, but it’s not really there for anything but show?

    I thought the same thing, which made it even more disturbing to find this as part of the excerpt (given at Weeping Cocks, thanks to SBS for the link):

    Can a girl be too good looking? Like a living breathing Barbie doll, Felicity Jones attracts would-be suitors like moths to a flame.

    Okay, setting aside the whole ‘moth/flame’ cliche … she apparently IS a Barbie doll. Ewugh!

    hands25: it wold take more than 25 hands to spread those ass cheeks

  4. 4
    Lynne Silver says:

    My squick factor goes off. I’ll try not to make any bad cracks about this cover.

  5. 5
    snarkhunter says:

    So the author’s name is Dee Dawning? B/c I assumed that Dee Dawning was the main character.

    She’s Dee, and she’s “dawning” in that her airbrushed moon is rising.


    “Rendezvous with your very own Nice Naughty Schoolgirl(tm) Doll! Show off her generous curves to your friends without fear of being accused of perversion! This doll is for looks only—no unseemly orifices to distract you from her shapely beauty! Perfect for helping you turn your Madonna/whore complex into a living room showpiece.”

    (captcha is appeared98. There’s a joke there. I can’t quite figure it out. This image appeared 98 times in my nightmares?)

  6. 6
    IvoryTower says:

    That’s her *ass*? I thought it was her knee! HER KNEE.

    I have nothing to say other than what the fuck.

    Amusingly, my captcha code is bad23.

  7. 7

    “A new breed of women…their shit don’t stink.  Cuz they don’t make any.”


    In all seriousness, I bet I know why it was airbrushed off.  Certain ‘risque’ covers don’t get uploaded to the itunes bookstore/ipages whatever. ( I believe-could be wrong)

    I just know that thru a note I see when I upload my covers to ARe.  So maybe this is the way around it?

  8. 8
    CK says:

    Shut the Back Door!
    A Portal to Her Womanly Lair Novel

    I need more coffee ;)

  9. 9
    Rei says:

    Wow. I can’t decide which bums me out more – the frankly kind of creepy airbrushing or the fact that the author was so anal that they had to restate the characters’ lighting situation three times. This might be cheeky of me, but I’d have thought that if the author didn’t know better, the marketing people should’ve done. Ah, well; you know what they say about assumptions.

  10. 10
    Lara Amber says:

    I’m trying to figure out how the model got into that pose without dislocating her back or her arm.  Plus, why do those nails look like they’re about to dig in and rip out a hunk of flesh? 


    Thanks to the wonders of exfoliation, waxing, and Dermabond Mike was ready for his career as hand model backdrop.  Would Michelle, with her perfect nails, love him now?

  11. 11
    chrocs says:

    You’d assume she has a crack. Maybe she thinks crack is wack.

  12. 12
    JamiSings says:

    Ladies and gentlemen, this is what you get when you let Matel make your blow up sex dolls.

  13. 13
    snarkhunter says:

    Plus, why do those nails look like they’re about to dig in and rip out a hunk of flesh?

    I assume she’s hoping to restore her mutilated body.

  14. 14
    Ellen says:

    @IvoryTower, I thought it was a knee, too! And a really… fleshy thigh. *shudders*

  15. 15
    Kerry Allen says:

    Maybe there was a thong in the stock photo, and to maintain truity to the character’s preference for commando, that’s what was ‘shopped out.

    There is too much design fail here to address in full, but frankly, I’m most aesthetically offended by that iguana paw of a hand.

    Captcha: already85 – That model’s hands look like she’s already 85.

  16. 16
    VandyJ says:

    After all this time, Barbie was still a tease, all talk, no place for action.

  17. 17

    Dee had felt like a freak all her life. As an anally challenged porn star she knew she just needed to find the right leading man to help her move past her deformity.

    Brody “Backdoor” Bounty was bored with all his leading ladies. He needed a challenge. When he met Dee “Crackless” Dawning he new his prayers had been answered.

    But when Brody discovers the truth about Dee’s deformity, will he crack? Has Brody met the only door he can’t open? Will he have to go around? And in the process of it all , might Backdoor find a crackless love to last all time? 

    SPAM word Thoery63: This is one of 63 theories I have on the crackless wonder.

  18. 18
    Barbara says:

    Does anyone remember the episode of Star Trek (the original with William Shatner) that had some young girl with a crush on Kirk who had some kind of weird telekinetic ability to mess with people?  I think she made Spock laugh uncontrollably and took someone’s voice or something weird.  Some crew members were gossiping and laughing and she thought they were talking about her and she removed their faces.  That’s what this reminds me of.

    That was a long story to make a small comment.  I hope there are some other “seasoned” people here who know what the hell I was just talking about.  :)

    captcha is lack38 because at this point, I lack 38% of my memory.

  19. 19
    Barbara says:

    Uh, that ^^ was no caption.  Just an observation.

  20. 20
    Cassie says:

    Ever since the botched surgery, Cryyystal could feel the pressure building inside her bowels…nails clenched, she prepared to create her own new hole!

  21. 21
    KatH says:

    ASS CRACK OF NO WHERE “Middle of no place unable to be seen on a map or off the beaten path”

  22. 22
    H. Vert says:

    I’m so glad I was not the only one to think it was a knee!  First I thought shoulder, but that was… weird because who’s hand was that?  And then I went to knee but it was still confusing because what kind of position was she sitting/standing/?? in?

    That cover is altogether strange.  I vote no.  Lol.

  23. 23
    P. J. Dean says:

    Talk about half-assed! If her booty was going to be so offensive, they shoulda put a pair of frilly lace panties on it. This chickening out in a stupendous way. Go BIG or go HOME!

  24. 24
    Janet S says:

    That is just weird, and unneccessary and offensive and …did I say weird?

  25. 25
    Joan says:

    I’m in ur ass, saving ur… oh. Never mind.

  26. 26
    azteclady says:

    Which part of “do not enter” you didn’t get?

    (I generally abstain from these because…well, I can’t write creatively to same my a…wait)

  27. 27
    JoanneF says:

    World renowned proctologist Dr. Bendova stepped into the examining room to find his patient leaning over with her Catholic schoolgirl skirt hiked up to her waist as her oddly geriatric hands were attempting to separate her buttocks in preparation for examination.  But something seemed amiss……

  28. 28
    Sharon says:

    Found your site via Facebook, so delighted, good to know that there are lots of other people reading ‘romance’ novels with tears streaming down their cheeks from laughing! Speaking of cheeks, you’d think whoever airbrushed her crack out could’ve straightened the top of her sock. I’m not entirely convinced it’s a woman, I think it’s a plastic horse that’s had a skin colour change and a tail removal in Photoshop.

    Owner of Hand: “I’m coming for you, my preciousssss….oh…hang on…how do I get in?”

  29. 29
    Carol says:

    I think the caption should be ” HaBo, Please offer me free plastic surgery! I can’t see my butt crack”

    I have to agree with the others, I was so confused, I thought it was a knee or thigh as well! Crazy.

  30. 30
    LG says:

    OMG, this cover is awful! I do hope that the book contains no anal sex scenes. Seriously, why focus on her butt and then airbrush everything out? If they wanted to avoid showing anything, she could have worn sexy panties or something. And if they wanted to go for a completely raunchy cover, they should have embraced the raunchiness without the bizarre censoring.

    I can’t think of a good caption…everything I try comes out more awful than funny.

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