Ah, romance covers. They say so much with so little. It occurred to me recently that the perfect romance hero has pretty much been assembled through the artistic renderings of the romance cover.
Don’t think so? Have a look.
The perfect romance hero must:
Have excellent dental work
Really. We expect the finest in dentistry. (He should wipe his chin, though.)
And of course, man-titty with extraordinary buoyancy in a maritime emergency:
and crazy mountainous abs:
And in addition to a mullet (duh), the hero needs…a really big sword
No, bigger than that.
That ought to do it.
And not too much gas, please.
No, really, that’s too much, thanks.
But honestly, what we really want in a hero is also a partner. A partner who, if we desire to procreate together, must love children. No, REALLY love children. Shirtlessly.
Says Samantha, who sent me a scan of the original cover, “I think the baby either has bad gas or wants to get the hell out of there.”
Says I: “That man is asking to get barfed on.”
And, finally, we expect men to be equal partners in the parenting, right? So if he’s going to love babies shirtlessly, the least he can do is try breastfeeding, too.
LATCH ON! LATCH ON, DAMMIT!