This is from Miss Moppet, whose HaBO request made me gigglesnort:
This is a HABO of dooooooooom (doomy doom doom).
When I was a wee teenager with an an afro and a penchant for rape-y romance,
I fell hard for this book. I remember very little and most of what I do
remember may be completely incorrect and/or inappropriately mixed up with
the plot from Suddenly You by Lisa Kleypas and a pastiche of other British
romances I’ve read. It had a particularly unappetizing phrase for the
heroines Nooner Hole. Yes, more unappetizing than that.HABO LOVE PUDDING
Ingredients:
120lbs of Sweet Virgin Heroine mistakenly believed to be a skanky ho’
160-185lbs of muscled Brooding Angry Hero with a heart of gold and a
possible career as a book publisher or perhaps a politician
A soupcon of Blonde Mistress who might be an actress and who fakes
pregnancy and pisses off the hero who pays her off even though he knows
she’s lying about being pregnant.Directions:
1. Beat until Stiff (ahem) a scene where hero rapes the heroine on a desk in
his (business?) office and uhm, “takes” her several more times throughout
the book but she keeps coming back around and he never apologizes and goes
so far as to consistently blame her for his need to rape her.2. Add a pinch of something asinine about the Hero trying to create a new
law regarding child labor because he’s really a nice guy under his crusty,
rape-y exterior.3. Water down with a some nonsense about a hat that I can’t really
remember. He’s pissed about her hat? He loses her hat? He wears her hat and
for the first time ever, he feels pretty? I don’t know.4. Lick the spoon and blend in a townhouse where they proceed to have howler
monkey sex on an enormous bed with the hero blaming her and hating her and
refusing to admit she was a virgin.5. Bake until the hero realizes he’s TSTL and that she was a virgin when he
first manfully took her in his manfully manly way that was very manly.6. Stew (about) the mixture as Hero with a perpetual hard-on still thinks it
was cool to rape her but then he marries her so it makes everything all
better. All things are forgiven where wedding cake is concerned!7. Sprinkle on the possibility that the child labor law passed and hordes of
smudgy British kids were forced to become singing pickpockets as the Hero
got them all shitcanned from their jobs.8. Add the real magic ingredient of the dish, which is in the last love
scene in the book, when the author un-ironically uses the phrase, “love
pudding” or something very similar to it to describe the heroines moist and
humid nethers.9. Optional ingredient: Never stop laughing when you tell your friend about
this book and she looks you dead in the face and says, “That is one pudding
you DON’T want to find raisins in.”Voila! You now have one terrible book, one wasted week of my teen years and
a phrase that will live on in infamy.
Love Pudding will be the name of the rock band I form. Just watch. Anyone remember this book?
Barbara Cartland liked evil experienced mistresses and wide eyed innocent heroines, and angry cold misunderstood heros, and she really loved to throw in painfully oversimplified social issues for our h/H to tidy up. I just don’t think the sex was ever sufficiently explicit to merit a love pudding. Which is not a sentence I ever thought I’d need.
@Maili – what’s the similar one set in the US? Maybe it’ll be by the same author or something.
I read this when I was a teenager so I read it in the 90s. I’m guessing (given it’s rape-yness that it was written in the 70s-80s.
I checked all the books mentioned and none sounded right. I swear to you, this is a real thing. Even worse, is I found the book about two years ago (that’s when I had the conversation with my friend about the love pudding) and I accidentally donated it with a group of other books. The title just completely escapes me. I’ve exhausted all my google-fu.
The only thing I can tell you is that is was definitely written no later than the mid nineties and that the mistresses name was Dollie or Daisy or Bessy. Something like that.
I’ll be the street vendor outside, selling raisins. 🙂
I have no idea what the book is, but I have never laughed so hard in my life! Not only does “Love Pudding” take the cake, but the whole recipe for disaster was hilarious!
Miss Moppet, when your book when is published I will read it all up with a big spoon.
Books like the one you HABOed are why I didn’t read romance until I was “large63”, as my wordverification says. We’ve come a long way, baby.
I honestly can’t remember where I read it, but sometime back in my youth when my best friend at the time was shoving romance novels at me, I swear I read one that described a woman’s sexual fluids as either “love honey” or “sweet honey.”
It was using during an oral sex scene. So it was something about him lapping up her love honey.
Ms Virginia Henley was/is quite fond of calling a woman’s sexual fluids some type of honey…
@Kara, you beat me to it! I was a huge fan of Virginia Henley back in the day and she loved calling the vajayjay, honey pot. I particularly recall it in The Falcon and The Flower which was one of my favorite books when I was a teenager. Oh lord was it rapetastic. The main female character was actually frigid (a vagsicle if you will) and he banged her until her honey pot thawed out.
Must chime in approval of Zim references. Did anyone ever read his comic books Johnny the Homicidal Maniac? If not, please do. Eminently quotable. And I want some “Google-fu”…where does one acquire this?
Love pudding is definitely slightly less wince-worthy than some of the drivel I’ve come across. I mean…giggling in the middle of reading a scene like that can really mess with your head!
@Corrinne
I have the compendium books of both JTHM and Squee and I have all the comics he released for I Feel Sick. I love them.
I’m particularly enamored of Wobbly Headed Bob. I feel he was much superior to the tediousness of Happy Noodle Boy. The subtitles on those mini comics are my favorite like, “Like a terminal wiperag in a land of pure butt, he is Wobbly Headed Bob.” How do you not love that?