Help A Bitch Out

If it’s Thursday, It Must be HaBOs: HABO OF DOOOOOM

This is from Miss Moppet, whose HaBO request made me gigglesnort:

This is a HABO of dooooooooom (doomy doom doom).

When I was a wee teenager with an an afro and a penchant for rape-y romance,
I fell hard for this book. I remember very little and most of what I do
remember may be completely incorrect and/or inappropriately mixed up with
the plot from Suddenly You by Lisa Kleypas and a pastiche of other British
romances I’ve read. It had a particularly unappetizing phrase for the
heroines Nooner Hole. Yes, more unappetizing than that.

HABO LOVE PUDDING

Ingredients:

120lbs of Sweet Virgin Heroine mistakenly believed to be a skanky ho’

160-185lbs of muscled Brooding Angry Hero with a heart of gold and a
possible career as a book publisher or perhaps a politician

A soupcon of Blonde Mistress who might be an actress and who fakes
pregnancy and pisses off the hero who pays her off even though he knows
she’s lying about being pregnant.

Directions:

1. Beat until Stiff (ahem) a scene where hero rapes the heroine on a desk in
his (business?) office and uhm, “takes” her several more times throughout
the book but she keeps coming back around and he never apologizes and goes
so far as to consistently blame her for his need to rape her.

2. Add a pinch of something asinine about the Hero trying to create a new
law regarding child labor because he’s really a nice guy under his crusty,
rape-y exterior.

3. Water down with a some nonsense about a hat that I can’t really
remember. He’s pissed about her hat? He loses her hat? He wears her hat and
for the first time ever, he feels pretty? I don’t know.

4. Lick the spoon and blend in a townhouse where they proceed to have howler
monkey sex on an enormous bed with the hero blaming her and hating her and
refusing to admit she was a virgin.

5. Bake until the hero realizes he’s TSTL and that she was a virgin when he
first manfully took her in his manfully manly way that was very manly.

6. Stew (about) the mixture as Hero with a perpetual hard-on still thinks it
was cool to rape her but then he marries her so it makes everything all
better. All things are forgiven where wedding cake is concerned!

7. Sprinkle on the possibility that the child labor law passed and hordes of
smudgy British kids were forced to become singing pickpockets as the Hero
got them all shitcanned from their jobs.

8. Add the real magic ingredient of the dish, which is in the last love
scene in the book, when the author un-ironically uses the phrase, “love
pudding” or something very similar to it to describe the heroines moist and
humid nethers.

9. Optional ingredient: Never stop laughing when you tell your friend about
this book and she looks you dead in the face and says, “That is one pudding
you DON’T want to find raisins in.”

Voila! You now have one terrible book, one wasted week of my teen years and
a phrase that will live on in infamy.

Love Pudding will be the name of the rock band I form. Just watch. Anyone remember this book?

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  1. 1
    Brandie says:

    I have no idea what book this is, but I just have to give kudos to the author of this HaBO request, because it made my morning. I’m still laughing! Thanks, Miss Moppet.

  2. 2
    HellyBelly says:

    I wants to read it!!

  3. 3
    SusanL says:

    DON’T want to read it, but won’t be too surprised to find out I did :D Surely I would remember “love pudding?”

  4. 4
    Natalie Arloa says:

    No idea, but had to give props to Miss Moppet: you are funny! Thanks for the laugh this morning.

    security word: club48—I bet I’m joining the club of at least 48 people who have no idea what book this is but will write in just b/c Miss Moppet was so funny.

  5. 5
    FairyKat says:

    Absolutely! Absolutely no idea about the books, but tears of laughter running down my face. Raisins….

  6. 6
    DS says:

    Love pudding?  I do not think I would ever have forgotten love pudding.  Thanks for a great big belly laugh this morning.  It upped my endorphin level this morning.

    captcha: private36.  It wasn’t private when everyone came to see what I was laughing about.

  7. 7

    Who the hell cares about the book?  I want to read more HaBO requests like this one!

  8. 8
    Ken Houghton says:

    It would be rude to ask if that was pudding, like what Bill Cosby talks about during sex, or pud-ding, wouldn’t it?

    And I join the I-have-no-idea-what-the-book-is-or-why-anyone-would-read-it-twice-if-it-wasn’t-in-an-issue-of-Yellow-Silk.

  9. 9

    Love Pudding? Oh my. I sort of want this book to give my MIL and say yep, this is the standard of literary classic I was aiming to mimic in your Christmas card. Did I fail?

  10. 10
    Flo says:

    This world needs more love pudding, damnit!  Love pudding can bring us all together!  Just picture that new Jell-o Pudding commercial with the smiling and THEN say “love pudding”.  Yeah, that’s right, get on with your dirty minded selves!

  11. 11

    *splutter!* Bwahahahaha RAISINS *snorf* *snicker*

    Also, +10 for use of the word soupcon, and +20 for the reference to the Doom Song! / I love you, GIR!

  12. 12
    Miss Moppet says:

    @anna the piper
    +100 for recognizing The Doom Song! I thought no one would!

    Speaking of Gir, among the other things you don’t want in your love pudding… waffles. Just sayin’.

  13. 13
    LG says:

    @Anna the Piper – GIR is adorable!

    As far as the HaBO goes, I decided it was probably safe to Google romance novel “love pudding”. “Love pudding” seems to be popular in purple prose contests and it is often used as an example of bad or embarrassing wording in romance novels, but I haven’t yet been able to find the title of a real romance that uses the words. Oh, and also, my Googling revealed that a lot of people love pudding.

    Since the words end up on so many “why I hate romance novels” and “horrible euphemisms in romance novels” lists, I’d be inclined to think that this is one of those phrases that was never actually used in seriousness, but that romance-haters latched onto because it’s so awful. I hope someone figures out which book this is – it boggles the mind that some author thought “love pudding” was a good choice of words. Ew.

  14. 14
    MarieC says:

    @Darlene Marshall – Ditto!  I love this!

  15. 15

    Love me, love my pudding?

    Wonder if it was that great British pudding known as Spotted Dick to which the author was alluding?

    In stitches here. I hope no one ever works this out. The book itself could NEVER be as good as this outline. NEVER. I defy it to be.

    We can but dream.

  16. 16
    Maili says:

    lol! I would offer a title if it wasn’t for the fact it’s set in Britain. The one I’m thinking of is set in the US.

  17. 17
    joykenn says:

    Goodness, this “plot” sounds like lots of bad romance novels except for the child labor laws and “love pudding’.  Where the hell the author got THAT phrase is a total mystery!  Yes, love nicknames are ridiculous sometimes but this is beyond belief.  What’s next “ah, my delicious ham and cheese sandwich” or “he lapped up her love syrup”.  Was the author particularly hungry when writing the book, on a diet perhaps and dreaming of pudding?

  18. 18
    DreadPirateRachel says:

    “he lapped up her love syrup”.

    That is not actually as bad as some euphemisms I’ve read. Just sayin’.

    Add me to the list of people with no idea about the book but strong appreciation for the HABO.

  19. 19
    cbackson says:

    Oh God.  I should NOT have read this at work.

    @joykenn:  I read some dreadful romance that kept referring to the heroine’s “dripping oils”.  Like she had a leaky filter or something.

  20. 20

    No clue, but the most awesome HABO yet! And if we can’t find this…I may have to try and write it. ROFLMAO!

  21. 21

    @Miss Moppet: High five!

    And you would clearly appreciate that Zim in general is NOT who you’d want to find in a romance novel. I mean, with quotes like this…

    I have come to accept your feelings for me thereby choosing me as your ‘love-pig’….. FEEL HONORED! Prepare yourself, filthy beast of meat and hair. Your magical love adventure begins NOW!

    … this does not exactly say ‘romance novel hero’ to me!

    But then again, given that your HABO mentions “love pudding”…. ;>

    @LG: Doesn’t he just? I would totally dance with GIR!

  22. 22
    LG says:

    @Anna the Piper – Lol, if your Zim quote were really in a romance novel, then Zim would be an Alpha in the most awesomely bad romance ever.

  23. 23

    @LG: From the same episode, we also have this one:

    GIR, I feel I now know enough about human affection. I hate it! Especially the part with the beans!

    Yeah, Zim’s TOTALLY an old skool alpha hero. :D A very, very SHORT alpha hero…

  24. 24
    kkw says:

    What a fabulous request.  I don’t think I’ve read it, because love pudding doesn’t sound familiar.  But someone has to know, because between the red beans and rice HaBO and this one, we could put together a great book club dinner party.  I suppose if no one comes up with this one, we could have peaches and crème for dessert.  More than one author uses peaches, but it’s definitely in one of the BDB books, and the crème novel…I only remember the accent mark, and a hilariously badly written anal sex in the bath scene, but I could probably track it down if need be.  Of course, I’m not sure what I would make for love pudding, but there would definitely not be raisins.

  25. 25

    Okay, I just went home and tried to cook this, and it didn’t look like Mac and Cheese AT ALL.

    Wait. This isn’t a food blog? MAN that’s awkward. ;)

  26. 26
    AnaB says:

    Nanny Ogg’s Cookbook. Where they start out as Maids of Honour but end up as Tarts.

    Oh, and the Bananananana Surprise too.

    What, we weren’t talking about naughty cookbooks?!

  27. 27
    James Lynch says:

    Speaking of Gir, among the other things you don’t want in your love pudding… waffles. Just sayin’.

    “They’ve got peanuts and soap in them…”

    I love “Zim Eats Waffles,” though my favorite episodes remains “Hamstergeddon” and, of course, “The Nightmare Begins” (the latter has the wunnerful Doom song).

  28. 28
    infinitieh says:

    When I first saw “DOOOOOM” in the title, I thought of Chuckie Finster in “Rugrats” but the “doomy doom doom” is definitely GIR.  Love how a HaHO turned into an appreciation for “Invader Zim”!

  29. 29
    Del Dryden says:

    @infinitieh Does HaHo stand for what I think I stand for? :-D

    *doom doom doom, doom de doom doom, doomy doom doom*

    I’m extremely disappointed nobody recognizes this book because I really wanted to know more about the love pudding.

  30. 30
    beggar1015 says:

    When I first saw “DOOOOOM” in the title, I thought…

    I thought of the MST3K movie Robot Holocaust.

    “Yoow and yoo dawta ar doowmed”

    But now I’ve moved on to that 80’s hit from Dionne Warwick and Jeffrey Osborne:

    Love pudding, it rules us
    Takes over and fools us
    To make it, it takes
    Raisins!

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