Help A Bitch Out

HaBO: It’s Always Fun When They’re Funny

This query made me LOL like AOL and ROFLMAO like Chairman Mao. Enjoy A’s request with me, won’t you?

Let me start by saying I have NO idea why I want to re-read this book
because it just sounds awful, but that seems to change nothing because the
darned thing sticks in my head and I want to read it anyway, even if it’s
probably going to hit the wall 10 times before I finish it (so I’d rather
not use my e-reader). The book had to have been published prior to 2000
because I remember reading it in high school, but it’s very probable it was
published prior to that.

The main thing I remember is that the lead female (I want to say her name
was Kate) is the best friend of the hero’s little sister. The hero,
upstanding guy that she is, thinks she’s a big ol’ slutbag because of a
misunderstanding at the beginning of the book involving her being naked in a
poolhouse while changing clothes, when a snake comes in and scares the tar
out of her. Hero comes in just as Heroine is clinging nakedly to Random
Witless Male Bystander and of course Hero assumes she’s the afforementioned
big ol’ ho-bag. Wackiness ensues over the course of several years where
he’s attracted to her and makes her feel like a skank because of his
issues. Of course the heroine is actually a virgin and would never allow
someone who wasn’t the hero to approach her sacred love cavern with their
rod of steel, but the hero refuses to believe it and treats her like crap
for most of the book.

I also might be confusing this part of the plot with another book, but it
seems like the main character is so much the Queen Ultimate Virgin of All
Things Unpenetrated that she has some kind of physical problem and there’s
this doctor who’s all, “We must surgically remove your hymen or this dude
and his purple-headed love stick are going to rip you a new one -
literally,” and the heroine is all, “But no, if you remove my hymen, how
will the douchebag I’m in love with know that I’m not a big ol’ slut
bag?” And there’s a big dramatic sex scene involving pain and the hero is
all, “Oh darn me and this freakishly giant penis! I could have hurt you.
You must really love me to do such a thing.”

So does this ring any bells for anyone? Honestly, I have no idea why I want
to re-read this book, but it’s been driving me crazy for about 6 months
since it first popped back into my head. I want to say it’s a Diana Palmer
(and it sounds exactly like her kind of thing) but I looked through her
booklist and didn’t see anything that matched it.

Seriously. I hope that this book is found so that it can be read and reread by ALL OF US. Because OMG. WTF. BBQ.

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  1. 1
    quizzabella says:

    Wow.  Someone please recognise this book because it sounds unitentionally hilarious. Snakes, reinforced hymens and misunderstandings oh my.

  2. 2
    Lori says:

    This sounds like it should be a contest. Write the big penetration scene for Steel Hymens, a story about a group of southern women who hang out in a salon and pretend they know what sex is.

    I want to read this book too. Please someone remember it.

  3. 3
    sweeks1980 says:

    That is totally a Diana Palmer, but for the life of me I can’t remember the name of the book (it doesn’t help that her books sort of blend together).

  4. 4
    sweeks1980 says:

    After entering some unique keywords into Google, I think the book is Diana Palmer’s “The Texas Ranger.” The description of the book on Amazon totally references the “minor surgery” (their quotes, not mine) that the heroine needs to enjoy sex as well as the crazy misunderstanding at the beginning of the book: http://www.amazon.com/Texas-Ranger-Diana-Palmer/dp/0373770235

  5. 5
    Lindlee says:

    OMG. This sounds awful even by Diana Palmer standards.

  6. 6
    Aly says:

    “approach her sacred love cavern with their
    rod of steel”

    ROTFL! Pure gold!

  7. 7
    Betty Fokker says:

    That heroine had a seal of asshat-approval over her Glittery HooHa … how very, very disturbing.

  8. 8
    Betty Fokker says:

    Steel hymens—BBBwwwahhhahh!!

  9. 9
    Allie says:

    The part with the pool house and snake is from Diana Palmer’s Betrayed by Love. And the hymen surgery is from The Texas Ranger. Best not to ask how I’m so familiar with these books :)

    material63 – Yep, I’ve read more than 63 of Diana Palmer’s books.

  10. 10
    Lena says:

    “Your wang cannot harm me! My hymen is like a shield of steel!”

  11. 11
    Mel R says:

    I don’t care what books this is—I want to hear more description from A!  This is absolutely heeeeelarious!
    I agree, it does sound like Diana Palmer.  Who should definitely start using phrases like “freakishly giant penis” in her writing.

  12. 12
    MarieC says:

    I don’t care what books this is—I want to hear more description from A!  This is absolutely heeeeelarious!

    I totally agree!

  13. 13
    Renee says:

    Wow, I just read the description for “The Texas Ranger” on Amazon.  The “hero” sounds like a douche-canoe of the first order! I think I’ll skip it.

  14. 14
    Kelly C. says:

    He is a true Texas Ranger. A man of integrity with a soul of steel—pursuing honor and justice is as natural as breathing in Marc Brannon’s line of work. Called to the scene of a high-profile murder, Brannon finds himself pitted against the vibrant—and vulnerable—junior investigator from his past. Years ago his heart had been in…  more »tertwined with Josette Langley’s . . . until she’d made an explosive accusation that had sent shock waves through political circles—and shattered his faith in her. Now they are back together again . . . And there is more at stake than just their stubborn pride. For this homicide investigation is becoming more complex and dangerous with each passing day—and time is not on their side. Can these disillusioned lovers close in on the truth before the culprit claims another victim? Or will they both be caught in the cross fire

  15. 15
    Kelly C. says:

    Betrayed By Love – Silhouette Desire, No 391
    Author: Diana Palmer
    MISCONCEPTIONS — Jacob Cade had strong opinions about which women were off-limits and which weren’t. Kate Walker belonged in the second category—hadn’t he once thrown her off his ranch for misbehaving? He’d never stopped wanting her, though, and it was time to make his move. — Kate had been in love with Jacob since childhood. Unbeknow…  more »nst to him, she wasn’t the kind of woman who took love lightly. Now Jacob was back in her life, but she didn’t dare tell him the truth.

    Kate risked everything just being with Jacob. Her gamble almost ended in disaster—until Jacob decided to take some risks of his own

    Both synopsis’ courtesy of PaperbackSwap

  16. 16
    Charlene says:

    Diana Palmer’s Justin’s also has the same sex scene where the hero Justin hurts the heroine Shelby because she didn’t want to have minor surgery because then he wouldn’t know she was a virgin. She had supposedly cheated on him back when they were engaged so it was her only proof that it didn’t happen after they later married due to her being broke and losing her home and he wanted revenge.

    There is no snake scene though so that must be from another Palmer book.

  17. 17
    sweeks1980 says:

    @Charlene – I’m disturbed but not surprised that several of Palmer’s heroines have the mighty hymen that can only be penetrated by the mighty rod of love.

    Verification word: amount86
    I wouldn’t be surprised if Palmer had 86 heroines with this specific problem.

  18. 18
    karen says:

    Uh.  What I want to know is it really that common for a “minor surgery” to break a hymen?  Or is the doctor somehow saying that the hymen needs to be operated on because it’s somehow life endangering?  Either way, HEAD BANG!

  19. 19
    Charlene says:

    @sweeks1980
    I remember reading Justin last month then stopping and googling what condition she was talking about. I’ve never heard of such a condition being so common. she gives very little details on what the condition is. At first I thought she was trying to use it for awareness but she never said anything really to explain what the problem was.

  20. 20
    Elizabeth Smith says:

    Christ, what an asshole.

  21. 21

    I just have to jump in and say that a good friend had the “hymen-of-steel” problem, which her mother also had. She literally could not insert a tampon. Fortunately her mother, having suffered in ways I never got to hear the details of, signed up her daughter for the “minor surgery” in her early teens.

    Go figure, huh?

    And, amusingly, also91.

  22. 22
    Carolyn says:

    When I worked in the OR, we did a hymenectomy on a young girl just beginning her puberty. I don’t remember many details. I do remember her hymen completely occluded the vaginal canal. She was having periods, yet wasn’t, because it couldn’t drain.

    I always think of that when people say there’s no such thing as a hymen, that it’s just a matter of stretching. :-)

  23. 23
    snarkhunter says:

    Yeah, there are women who literally have a thickened hymen to the point where they are physically incapable of having sex without excruciating pain.

    Way to grossly exploit that, Diana Palmer. I will make sure to never read your books.

    A wins at book description, though!

    (Also, wtf is up with the hymen fetish? Plenty of virgins don’t have ‘em, and if it’s some kind of big thing for a guy to cause bleeding, then he’s not the dude I want to sleep with.)

  24. 24
    Kimber says:

    Queen Ultimate Virgin of All Things Unpenetrated : Oh, honey – why aren’t you writing books for us to read? What a riot!!!…and what’s really scary? I remember reading this book, but I don’t remember the title. It probably was a DP.

    My WV was did27 – You know this girl did not do 27 guys in the boathouse – she was the Queen Ultimate Virgin of All
    Things Unpenetrated!!!

  25. 25
    kasey says:

    ROFL,  I have no idea about the book but A’s description of the search had me laughing harder than I’ve laughed in ages.  Thank you A for the snark and sarcasm and entertainment.  And thank you to Sarah for sharing it.

    As a sidenote: i can understand A wanting to find the book even tho she’ll probably throw it into the wall a dozen or so times. I’ve had the plot of a series romance stuck in my head since 1995 & still haven’t found it even though I rarely read series romance anymore.  (except Betty Neels which is my uber-guilty pleasure)

  26. 26
    AgTigress says:

    And nobody has mentioned that in some circles, surgery to repair and restore naturally small, stretched or torn hymens,  is still available. (I feel that the plural of hymen should be something like hymenides:  but obviously it isn’t).  The idea of a woman willingly undergoing reconstructive surgery, even of just a small flap of skin, specifically in order that it may be torn again during intercourse, is a fine example of the sheer weirdness of some cultural/sexual mores.

    I don’t remember pain, let alone bleeding, but it was a very long time ago, and I used to ride horses a lot as a young girl…  The habit of riding astride was one of the classic situations to ‘explain’ an inadequately virginal hymen!  :-D

    As others have said, the enquirer’s description of the book is priceless!

  27. 27
    Donna says:

    This is ABSOLUTELY Betrayed By Love – I am so pleased to finally know a HABO! (Sadly) I’ve read all the Diana Palmer books (!?!) and loads (I do mean LOADS) are similar but the description A writes – should be the blurb it’s so freakin’ accurate!

  28. 28
    AgTigress says:

    I never read another Diana Palmer in category romance after I read the outrageous Enamoured.  This was some time in the 1980s, and although arrogant and inflexible heroes were common enough at the time, the ‘hero’ of that story was totally unbearable.

    Picking up on surgically restored hymens, as I mentioned above, here’s a bit of trivia that might amuse some of you.  Surgery was available in the Roman period to reconstruct foreskins.  This was because circumcision was very un-Roman, and men who had undergone it, for whatever reason, sometimes wished to reverse it.  If anyone wants the reference to a scholarly paper on Roman de-circumcision, I can provide it.  ;-)

  29. 29
    DebStover says:

    Wow…  Learn something new every day.

  30. 30
    Jen B. says:

    Now that I have stopped laughing and wiped the tears off my face…

    ***Round of appause***  For best HaBO description that I have ever read and best responses!  WOW and W-O-W!

    I have read a handful of Diana Palmer’s books.  I don’t get why she is so popular.  Her heroes are all douche bags.  Her heroines are losers, needy, stupid, whiny, and the list goes on.  There is always some sexual secret.  I particularly love the super hyman as an excuse for tension in the story. 

    @A you are awesome.  Thanks for asking this HaBO!

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