Help A Bitch Out

HaBO: Songs of the Derpy Child

Rachel sent in a HaBO that made me LOL like AOL.

Okay so I’ve been an avid reader of Ye Intelligente Women of Snarkery for a
long time, and never once did it occur to me to actually write in to you
lovely ladies to ask for help from you and The Bitchery in my long time
quest to find The First Romance Novel. So, here I am. I also have an epic
title for it because I cannot, for the life of me, remember the actual
title.

The First Romance Novel I Ever Read But I Was Like Twelve at the Time and
Did Not Even Realize It Was a Romance (until the la-dee-da started
happening, a hurr durr).

I was a rather derpy child, but I digress.

It stars Some Fairy Lady Chick Who May Have Been a Princess (henceforth
SFLC) and some knight dude who was blind For Whatever Reason. I think it was
from war, or a freak accident doing something stupid. But anyway, since
she’s a fairy, she’s in the human realm For Whatever Reason and she spies
him while he’s out and about doing… whatever he was doing. I seem to
recall her thinking he’s very bizarre looking because of the scarring on
his face or whatever. Of course there’s some legend saying that if a human
touches a fairy, they suddenly become like a genie and you rubbed their lamp
(but not like that) and they have to be your slave or something. I don’t
know why, that struck me as very odd.

So despite this legend and whatnot, SFLC wants to get closer cuz
OoOOOooOoooo he’s a HOOMAN and whatnot and he can either smell her, or hear
her or whatever but then he tried to touch her and she gave him some piece
of cloth (like a shawl, or something, I dunno. It could have been a blanket
or her panties for all I know) and he’s all snarfin’ it up because it
smells good.

Then she goes to see him again and he’s all nekkid in bed with the
bra/panties/whateverthehellshegavehim and she sees his dingaling and her
comment was something along the lines of O_o;

Then stuff happens, like she takes him to Thee Fairye Realme or something
and she’s like, “Oh I live here.”

And he’s like, “That’s neat.”

And then they leave.

The only other thing I remember is that he gets Unblind somehow and gets in
trouble with SFLC’s dad. I don’t remember what on earth he did, but it was
Bad Stuff Baby This Evening and the dad is like BITCH GIT IN THE CONVENIENTLY
THERE SNOWSTORM THAT I MADE *punt* and he wails and flails around in the
snowstorm and is all emo and comes upon this magically delicious snow cabin
gizmo she made and she’s like, “Oh now I’m human and I have the Magic Hoo
Hoo.” and they get it on.

That’s the point at which I, being the derpy child I was, was like OMG THIS
IS ROMANCE THESE PEOPLE ARE *NAKED* and I don’t remember what else happens.
I don’t even remember wtf the conflict was, or who the baddie bad was. I do
recall that the knight guy had a one-syllable name like Dirk or Burt or Bob
or something.

…if anything, I hope I provided you lovely ladies with a good story. :D

Nothing better than fairies with magic hoo-hoos in the snow, y’all. Anyone remember this book?

Categorized:

Help a Bitch Out

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Katie S says:

    Um….I don’t know what this is, but I want to read it! Someone please know what it is!

    Rachel, your description had me laughing while I read it.  Excellent job!

  2. 2
    Ashley says:

    Haven’t read the book, but I want to read this writeup again and again. *punt* was my favorite part.

  3. 3
    elaine mueller says:

    i’m laughing so hard it hurts, and the dogs are giving me really really strange looks.

    i know i never read this book but i really want to.  i remember almost every book i ever read and none of them were ever this weird.

  4. 4
    Sandi says:

    How about Flowers by Moonlight by Lynn Bailey?

    In the twilight of the forest, faerie Sira stumbles upon the sleeping body of a young knight, Conn of Hamdry.  When he awakens, she discovers that he is blind—from a terrible wound suffered in battle.  Sira is fascinated by his strength and power, for this rugged, virile man bears no resemblance to the people of her world.  And as Sira offers Conn a glimpse into her world, he senses her delicate presence and breathes in her sweetness and light.

    Though no faerie may allow herself to be touched by a human, Sira cannot control her curiosity; nor Conn his desire.  Against the laws that govern each of their worlds, they become lovers.  And soon Sira faces the most difficult decision of all:  to live forever in her exquisite faerie world without ever knowing pain or sorrow—or to give up her immortality for the only man who can make her feel alive.

  5. 5
    elaine mueller says:

    amazon kindle version available, but author listed as cynthia bailey pratt.

    the downloaded sample actually reads fairly well.  okay, not great, and i’m not really into fae stuff, but it’s gotta be better than what I read last night.  don’t ask.

  6. 6
    cleo says:

    Rachel – awesome HaBo. I’m stunned at how many details you remembered.  I read my first real romance at 14 and ALL I remember about it that they had sex.  That’s it – no plot points, no names, no odd details, just that there was a sex scene, and it involved thrusting hips, and OMG, I had NO idea.

  7. 7
    Sandra says:

    amazon kindle version available, but author listed as cynthia bailey pratt.

    From the B&N blurb, which lists a OOP PB through resellers under Bailey and a nookbook under Pratt:

    Paranormal historical romance by Cynthia Bailey Pratt writing as Lynn Bailey; originally published by Jove Magical Love

    Sounds like she got her rights back and self-pubbed an e-version. The sample’s not bad, but didn’t leave me with an overwhelming desire to shell out for the rest of it. YMMV, I’m off to find something else to spend my evening with.

  8. 8

    OMG I WANT TO READ THAT BOOK!!!!! I’m seriously lolling here at your summary. *sigh* I love “my first romance novel” stories, they’re always the best-est. It took me forever to figure out what some author meant by “his eel into her lush cave”…say whuuuut??? Mommy, what does this mean??

    ….GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!!!

    good times.

  9. 9
    LG says:

    Gah. And yet I kind of want to read it. The first thing I thought of when I read the description was Sherrilyn Kenyon’s Dance With the Devil, but in that one the heroine is a blind “justice nymph.” I’m pretty sure there is a snowstorm in that one as well.

    It’s funny, I can’t remember my first romance (meaning, “romance intended for adults”), I think because I read so many YA books with strong romantic elements that it was just a natural progression. I know the first book I ever read that had a romance novel cover was Ann Maxwell’s Fire Dancer (recommended to me as a gateway book from sci-fi/fantasy into romance), but I didn’t realize until much later that that was originally published as sci-fi. Which is why the Dancer books have such a frustratingly unfinished romantic storyline. Argh. I want a fourth Dancer book, please.

  10. 10
    R.J. says:

    The book itself cannot compare to your retelling of the pertinent plot points.  So, so funny!

  11. 11
    Rachel says:

    OMG Flowers by Moonlight is it! I just looked it up and recognize the cover!

    Now I must order it, review it, and let you guys know whether or not it’s a steaming turd laced with fairy sparklesauce~

    Thank you, ladies! :D

  12. 12
    Susan says:

    Wow.  Now I keep thinking that “A Knight Named Bob” would be a great title for a romance – time travel maybe?

  13. 13
    Barbara says:

    lol – I’m picturing Rachel as this derpy drooling child reading this book and every so often whispering, “whoa.”

    That was the best first romance HaBo I think I’ve ever read – I scared the cat off of my desk I was laughing so hard.

  14. 14
    Karen says:

    Wow.  Now I keep thinking that “A Knight Named Bob” would be a great title for a romance – time travel maybe?

    You’re reading my mind, Susan.  I would buy that!

    learned36—learned 36 ways to unintentionally inhale an M&M while reading the HABO request.

  15. 15
    Crystal says:

    The book itself cannot compare to your retelling of the pertinent plot points.  So, so funny!

    Exactly what I was thinking!

  16. 16
    Juls says:

    best HaBO ever.  I think I have to read it just for the underwear/dingaling part.

  17. 17
    KiriD79 says:

    Rachel, please write “The Knight named Bob”.  Only you can do it justice.

    My first romance was a Virginia Henley.  All I remembered was the hero’s nickname “Drakkar” (my favorite scent), a scene which someone having sex by holding a woman up and walking around with her o_O, and the author using the word Mons.  Yeah, VH at 11 is strange.  I found it, read it again and was not so over whelmed.  Still love it though.

  18. 18
    FairyKat says:

    I am actually crying with laughter, with tears running down my cheeks, and just a bit of snot… 

    Then she goes to see him again and he’s all nekkid in bed with the bra/panties/whateverthehellshegavehim and she sees his dingaling and her comment was something along the lines of O_o;

    There is no what this book can be as good as your memory!

  19. 19
    Pauli says:

    I bought a copy of this for my Kindle purely on the basis of this HaBO, and I have to tell you, it was kind of awesome. Not as awesome as the retelling, of course, but actually really entertaining and refreshing. If you’re in the mood for a bit of escapist fantasy/historical romance fluff, I highly recommend it.

  20. 20
    Lizzy says:

    I just gotta HaBo right now and say as amusing as that review was…it makes the book seem really absurd. i’m positive at the time you thought it was pretty great. the 2 others that she wrote with the whole fay theme are pretty (‘xcuse me french) damn awesome. the great thing about Lynn/Cynthia is that she can write other styles as well. She is amazing at the Regency romances (pre-ertoic ones) and i can recommend several based on your ‘personal romantic style’ lets say.

Comments are closed.

↑ Back to Top