You know, when I saw the Blue Flames of Naked Man Ass cover, I didn’t think anything could top it for sheer transfixing silliness. Then there was Crop Circles and the Mystery Stare. And I didn’t think that a more bizarre collection of images could be found. Then, while hunting (huh) for Duck!, one of the DABWAHA reader nominees, I found this piece of excellent:
WOW. The ‘stache! The hair! The sweatshirt! The perm! THE NAME ON HER SWEATSHIRT. I love all thing Balloony.
So you guessed it: time to Caption That Cover. What’s the blurb? What are they saying? What’s with the slightly unimpressive yet suggestive lighthouse? Why are there glowing children emerging from her mom jeans riding a bicycle in an unsafe manner? What in the name of home perms is going on here?!
Best caption in the comments will win $25 to the bookstore of your choice – and as usual you have 24 hours. Standard disclaimers apply: I’m not being compensated for this giveaway. Void where prohibited. Perm at your own risk. Hey, where’s Perry?
Bring it on, y’all – what’s going on up there?!
His sperm were yellow and inflatable. Children on bicycles kept appearing from out of her crotch. Together, they had a streak of exhibitionism which only allowed them to have “balooney time” in a duck shack…Look, weirder things than this happened in the 80’s all the time. Stop judging their love or that mustache will have a fashion resurgence.
The inhabitants of Duck Shack, Maine, thought widowed Mandy Tasmin was just about perfect. By day she was a purveyor of singing balloon messages, and by night she kept the lamps in the lighthouse aglow. It was a shame about her twins Daffy and Bugs, and that unfortunate genetic mutation that resulted when Mandy mixed off-brand perm and hair color while pregnant. She stuck with Lady Clairol now, but the damage was done. Still, Daffy and Bugs’ glow came in handy when the lights went out. But little did the townspeople know that, secretly, Mandy was really TAZ, the renowned helio-terrorist, releasing captive balloons into the wild, where they could fulfill their natural function of choking the local wildlife, and causing pilots to think they’d seen a UFO. (The pink hearts WERE really good for that.)
Sam Yosmite was a dedicated EPA inspector, who came to Duck Shack to investigate rumors that Mandy’s husband Porky had not been murdered, but poisoned himself on his illegal stash of cyclamate-sweetened diet sodas, smuggled across the border from Canada. He fell for Mandy, in her hand-painted sweatshirt and Gloria Vanderbilt jeans, like a ton of bricks. He was sworn to uphold the law. Could he look the other way while the woman he loved broke it? And how involved was she in the death of her husband? Was Daffy and Bug’s glow really the result of cheap perms, or was there a more sinister agent at work? And should he consider his cousin’s offer of work in the porn industry?
Can Mandy and Sam reach a DUCK SHACK AGREEMENT or will it be…. t-t-t-that’s all, folks?
nature23: there’s at least 23 way’s nature’s screwed up in this cover
The magic of her Woohaa was evidenced by the biking kids, but the pornstache was proof of his mastery of the Duck Shack mystique.
Thinking the kids were lost in their tape deck players and having huffed one to many helium balloon, Dads joke about Mom riding a handlebar mustache later, ended up with a family trip to Sears. New bike for kids; no action for the adults. Good bye Balloon Shack, better luck next year.
And our mutual fart balloon shall carry our love out to the universe, where it shall live forever! And we shall sing OUR song…beans, beans, the magical fruit…
Seeing some agreement a la My Best Friends Wedding
One afternoon while playing hooky from school, Lisa and Terry ride his bike to the old duck shack.
“Gee, Terry…if neither of us can find our one true love by the time we’re old, you know like 25, then we’ll marry each other.”
But, in the present 1985, Lisa is still seething after her second bitter divorce trial and Terry just buried his beloved wife.
Can these 2 rekindle their past love and save her beloved balloon shop before her relentless ex-husbands turned lovers make her dreams fly away??
Musical Implants Enhance Sexual Performance. WARNING: Consult Your Doctor If Tunes Continue For More Than Four Hours.
As children, Joanna and Sam promised to love each other forever but were too soon separated and lost to each other. Now a successful used-car salesman, Sam has returned to find Joanna just the same sweet girl she always was. No, really, she has the mind of a 12 year old. Will love conquer their obvious intellectual differences? Will they be able to to keep [iThe Duck Shack Agreement]?
As Sophie watched her matching mustard-colored balloon fade away, all she could think of was how badly she had wanted to escape Chester’s molesting grip ever since he trapped her on his bike.
Mad props to Nico Nico, Anne D, and Deadline Hell.
Bonded by love and hair products.
Cherry was saving the world, one balloon at a time. By harnessing the toxic gaseous by-products contained in the aerosols and processing chemicals she and Dan used on their hair, Cherry’s balloons stayed inflated far longer than the average, helium-filled variety. However, unfortunate side effects of huffing her balloons included freakishly luminescent skin in children, and massive vacuity of expression in adults.