Caption That Cover: Duck Shack Edition

You know, when I saw the Blue Flames of Naked Man Ass cover, I didn’t think anything could top it for sheer transfixing silliness. Then there was Crop Circles and the Mystery Stare. And I didn’t think that a more bizarre collection of images could be found. Then, while hunting (huh) for Duck!, one of the DABWAHA reader nominees, I found this piece of excellent:

Balloony Tunes!

WOW. The ‘stache! The hair! The sweatshirt! The perm! THE NAME ON HER SWEATSHIRT. I love all thing Balloony.

So you guessed it: time to Caption That Cover. What’s the blurb? What are they saying? What’s with the slightly unimpressive yet suggestive lighthouse? Why are there glowing children emerging from her mom jeans riding a bicycle in an unsafe manner? What in the name of home perms is going on here?!

Best caption in the comments will win $25 to the bookstore of your choice – and as usual you have 24 hours. Standard disclaimers apply: I’m not being compensated for this giveaway. Void where prohibited. Perm at your own risk. Hey, where’s Perry?

Bring it on, y’all – what’s going on up there?!

Categorized:

General Bitching...

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  1. Barb in Maryland says:

    No comment for the contest—the best ones are already up, I believe.
    However—this is yet another cover using celebrities (without their knowledge) as cover models.  That’s obviously Chad Everett and Geena Davis. Or at least that is who I see when I look at it!

  2. Wylykat says:

    Who know that riding through the glowing portal on their bike would land them in a future land where the 80s still rule and the only way out was a rare duck shack agreement…

  3. LisaM says:

    @Barb in Maryland – Thank God someone else sees it!  My 1st thought was “Tell me that’s not Geena Davis?!?”  I didn’t realize it was Chad Everett right away but you’re right about that one too.

  4. Carol says:

    Man: “Forget your yellow balloon darling, let’s go to the duck shack and make some babies who don’t mind sharing a bike one day!”

    Woman: “I can’t stop gazing at the balloon to join you.”

  5. Francesca too says:

    Her dreams of long ago have come true. His right arm is finally as long as his left.

  6. crow girl says:

    Oh my gawd. There is so MUCH weirdness going on in that one SMALL picture. (I couldn’t resist doing the whole back cover synopsis.)

    A Lonely Man
    Jethro was trapped in a dark, dismal place. Ever since his young wife threw herself into the ocean, he lived alone in the small lighthouse that he shared with his pet ducks.  If only Beth-Anne could have understood his obsessions with water fowl and with hair care products…

    The Right Woman
    Carla should have been miserable, but she refused to give up. When her husband Brad died in a tragic perm accident, she lost not only her life partner and her salon business, but her sister Melody as well.  Caring for Melody’s conjoined twins Candy and Sandy has kept Carla alive; bringing them for bike rides near the beach has kept her sane; and taking over her sister’s small gift shop has brought a new passion into her life: helium balloons.  The only thing still missing was the love of a good man.

    In a Place Near to his Heart … and to his Pants
    When a scowling Jethro prevented a bike-riding menace from plowing into his feathered friends, he met their aunt and knew it was fate. Carla was the first woman to stir Jethro’s passions in over a decade. Not only did she share hair care tips and grooming shears, she was the one woman who could persuade him to move his beloved ducks out of the bedroom and into his shed. 

    Now if he could just convince her to marry him … and to stop releasing balloons into the wild.  (He was certain they would kill the ducks.)

    (Yeah, I know, one of the kids is obviously a boy – but it looks like they have 3 legs.)

  7. Notsurewho says:

    Movember was coming to an end and, in the name of prostate cancer awareness, Brad would soon have to shave his ‘stache… and Susan would return to her job at the high altitude radio station ‘ballooney tunes” but, until then they had decided to enjoy their time remaining here, duck hunting in Maine.
    They had both agreed during their time in the shack, which conveniently doubled as a lighthouse, that balloons weren’t a very successful duck hunting weapon and that next year they should, maybe, bring guns.
    (They had also agreed that Brad should try for the Handlebar mustashe next Movember, as Susan had come to realise she liked the ‘stache, as it reminded her of those summers she’d spent cycling as a child.)

  8. heathero says:

    “Oh Chuck, I hope this balloon-launched S.O.S. brings us help against the plot moppets.”

  9. KiriDeathstalker says:

    As Melissa and Clyde released the balloon, Melissa felt a strange sensation between her thighs.  She knew then that the Three Nippled Fortune Teller had been right.  “Find the mystical Soup Strainer, release this balloon near the Duck Shack and you shall have the kids you want.” 

    Now why the hell were they half grown and on a bicycle?

  10. Diva says:

    In The Duck Shack Agreement, Dwayne must surrender his disbelief in Donna’s clairvoyance…despite the unlikely name of her psychic consultant business (ballooney tunes)

    Look! Down below, the pair of us as carefree children in the past, and up above, it’s us riding in a wheelchair together at the nursing home! Our whole future is visible to me!

  11. crow girl says:

    @ KiriDeathstalker

    You had me at Three Nippled Fortune Teller.

  12. Anony Miss says:

    Oh Jayne’s Reading Rainbow… Oh my keyboard!! FTW!

  13. Apey says:

    Sidebar: the guy on that cover looks EXACTLY like one of the local TV news anchors out here. ‘Stache and all. Perhaps he has a secret past as a romance cover model?

  14. Katie Drake says:

    Randy had no idea that one drunken night in a duck shack would bind him to the Perm Queen and her creepy mini children for the rest of eternity.

  15. Robin Bayne says:

    “Catch that sperm—it’s getting away!”

  16. Ellie says:

    Harry deeply regretted the recent Quidditch blow to the mouth that caused the enchanted bike to misunderstand his directions – who knew when he would next have the opportunity to seduce Ginny?

  17. Robin says:

    “Tell me about the rabbits, George.”

  18. Becca says:

    Evil Mustachioed Villian: MUAHAHAHA Now that I got that pesky magical balloon out of her hand, she will be my mannequin forever!!! I shall add her to my collection!

    *cops arrest him, hero’s kiss turns her forever human*

    EMV: DRAT! I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for you meddling radio active kids!!

    Creepy Child 1 and 2: Come play with us! You can ride the handle bars!!!

    EMV: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! *pees pants*

    The End

  19. Sophie T says:

    Aww, honey, let me cop a feel! You know how much I love Looney Tunes!

  20. Madd says:

    As a child, Cliff loved playing with his life sized ventriloquist’s dummy, Annie, so much that he took her everywhere he went. As an adult, he’d graduated to a real doll whom he named Annie after his childhood companion. If only he’d known when he bought that Ballooney Tunes sweatshirt that a spirit was anchored to it. Cliff is disconcerted when his love doll comes to life, he’s never had much luck with the ladies, but discomfort soon becomes distress as Cliff begins to suspect that the spirit inhabiting his beloved Annie might not bee all that sane.

  21. Lindsay C. says:

    Her shirt said “Ballooney Tunes”, but her hair said “I can withstand an F5 tornado”.  Can a mustachioed gentleman make her forget of children from balloons past? Or will a hot steamy Duck Shack night make her dreams of ghostly children a reality?  Only time and one deeply stereotyped 80s romance can tell….

    Or –

    Hey baby, can my mustache tickle your ballooney tunes?

  22. Anne D says:

    You’re kidding right? No one’s gone here yet?? Yay for me and crass, gross humor:

    “I swear George, if it’s not just like a duck penis, I’m just not interested.”

    “The great big, hairy caterpillar on my lip agrees with me here, Mary Sue, you’re balloony tunes!…. and just what does a duck penis look like anyway? ” George did a quick recon down his pants to double check all was in order. Everything was still the usual sausage shape.

    “There! Just like that coiled balloon string right there. That’s what I want…. that’s what I NEED, George.” Mary Sue sighed wistfully. “A regular old straight cock just doesn’t fill all my nooks and crannies…It’s…it’s…” She sighed again. “…never curly enough.”

    “But I love you, Mary Sue! You are my one true – and maybe slightly off your rocker – true love. Can’t we make this work..?” George remembered the days of glorious bike riding as children; the heady days of summer days before he found out about Mary Sue’s forays to the Duck Shack, and the perverted desires she satisfied there. The desires his swings-a-bit-to-the-left 8 inches wouldn’t satisfy. Why couldn’t things stay just the way they were? “Mary Sue?”

    “Yes, George?”

    “Will you stay with me in my teeny, tiny lighthouse on the headland if I let you go to the Duck Shack once a week? I’ll do my straight-cocked, overactive-tongue best to provide you all the passion I can on the other 6 days…Please say you’ll stay with me my balloony-tuned-pillion-riding-princess.” George grabbed Mary Sue’s shoulders and spun her to face him and let his love show. “Please…please, stay”

    “Oh! Oh George!” Mary Sue threw herself into George’s arms and kissed him. And as her tongue fought with George’s in that frantic kiss, Mary Sue wondered how she, of all the Mallard girls, had managed to find what her Momma had said was an impossibility… a man who understood her need for curly cock.

  23. Adriana says:

    “Sherry knew that when she accidentally set free the last magic fashion balloon her ghost children from the lighthouse brought her, she would probably have to go back to the 70s car wash with Roger and his sweaty, sweaty hands.”

  24. Kaetrin says:

    Chad sighed with relief and held Mandy, his mannequin love, close to his heart.  Only 3 more p0rn movies for the Duck Shack and he’d be able to buy the mannequin children to complete his perfect family.

  25. Pam says:

    I got me some hair, it’s as big as a whale
    and we’re headin’ on down to the Duck Shack
    I’m sprayed an’ I’m feathered, I’m lookin’ like Farrah
    Your lighthouse leaves me dry as the Sahara

    The Duck Shack’s a ballooney ol’ place
    Where we can blow together
    Duck shack, baby
    (A quick quack, baby)
    Duck shack, baby, quick snack!
    No crack, baby, love quack! (Oops!)

    Bang, bang, bang, on the door, baby
    (Quack a little louder, baby)
    Bang, bang, bang my balloons, baby
    (I can’t hear you….)

  26. elph says:

    Rachel’s balloon delivery service was booming.

    I didn’t even realize this was a thing, but apparently it’s a valid business model:

    http://www.ehow.com/how_5037966_start-balloon-delivery-service.html

    I guess people don’t want to embarrass themselves with helium in their own homes anymore.

  27. Gillian says:

    The many careers of Geraldo Rivera.

  28. Adriana says:

    According to Section 1B1D.46A of the Duck Shack Agreement, both parties are required to release one (1) balloon within sight of Uncle Krinkle’s Lighthouse during the rare lunar event known as the Bicycler Eclipse.

  29. Kecen Zhou says:

    As the duck shack, buoyed by the bouquet of balloons they’d tied to it, lifted into the air, carrying with it a time capsule of their treasured memories and worries, they waved it farewell, not noticing the quacks for help coming from within the ancient timbers. A stray balloon lagged behind, trying its best to catch up with its balloon brethren, two tiny children emerged from the fly of Melissa’s pants, and halfway around the world, it rained cans of hairspray and candy icing.

  30. Amitatuq says:

    Although they were both transfixed by her remarkable ability to release balloons, she felt compelled to point out that she was also able to shoot glowing children on bikes out of her magic hoo ha.

  31. Emily says:

    A childhood promise made 20 years ago brings together Randy and Rebecca – but in the intervening years he has built a prosperous porn career and she can’t let go of a youthful obsession. Can they find a way to reconnect or must they let their spark of love drift away like a lost balloon?

    had69 – Oh, Randy, you devil, you.

  32. Emily says:

    Forgot something, sorry:

    A childhood promise made 20 years ago brings together Randy and Rebecca – but in the intervening years he has built a prosperous porn career and she can’t let go of a youthful obsession. Can they find a way to reconnect at the Duck Shack or must they let their spark of love drift away like a lost balloon?

  33. EbonyMcKenna says:

    I can’t breathe. This is too funny.
    this cover is a complete what-the-duck-alanche.

  34. Lynsey says:

    “See, honey?  Giving birth standing up makes two mini-kids on a bicycle coming out much easier!”

    “I WILL KILL YOU AND FEED YOUR MUSTACHE TO THOSE BRATS, YOU ASS.”

  35. Marnie says:

    As children, Dick and Jane chased a red ball, played with Spot, and occasionally met in the duck shack where Dick would show Jane his if she would show him hers. But Jane wouldn’t let Dick touch her private bits, no not then. She put him off by making an agreement at the duck shack: when she released a yellow balloon, he could have at it.

    Little did Dick know it would be 20 years of waiting. He could only hope all those years she spent inflating up balloons gave her great mouth muscles.

    “Blow Jane, blow”. he thought.

  36. The Duck Shack – for Christian Vajazzling, just like Baby Jesus taught.

    Rod [for you know his name is rod] and Vanna despair as Vanna releases the balloon – their only hope of releasing their accidentally Araldited dentures, gone.

    But wait, two spunky children on bikes? Maybe if they attached a rope, and the kids pedal really hard….

    All was not yet lost!

  37. Notsurewho says:

    Not-an-entry

    All I’ve been able to think about for the last while is the Tim Vine Joke…

    “I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and said:
    ‘Your eyes sparkle like the stars’.
    So I said to the waiter:
    ‘Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck

  38. JamesLynch says:

    “How is that balloon floating when it’s flat?”

    “Nothing says romance like a porn-star mustache, a sexually suggestive sweatshirt, and a pair of kids that look like they were pasted onto the scene, despite its being a illustration anyway.  Of course, all the ‘shrooms help enormously.”

    “All the silliness is worth it, to get the free gifts from the heart that are inside.”

  39. Nico Nico says:

    Everytime she wore that sweatshirt, he would slide his hand to her breast and squeeze it. “Meep meep,  Ballooney Tunes.”

  40. Maddie Grove says:

    Very few people know that this was the original cover for Stephen King’s It.

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