Caption That Cover: Duck Shack Edition

You know, when I saw the Blue Flames of Naked Man Ass cover, I didn’t think anything could top it for sheer transfixing silliness. Then there was Crop Circles and the Mystery Stare. And I didn’t think that a more bizarre collection of images could be found. Then, while hunting (huh) for Duck!, one of the DABWAHA reader nominees, I found this piece of excellent:

Balloony Tunes!

WOW. The ‘stache! The hair! The sweatshirt! The perm! THE NAME ON HER SWEATSHIRT. I love all thing Balloony.

So you guessed it: time to Caption That Cover. What’s the blurb? What are they saying? What’s with the slightly unimpressive yet suggestive lighthouse? Why are there glowing children emerging from her mom jeans riding a bicycle in an unsafe manner? What in the name of home perms is going on here?!

Best caption in the comments will win $25 to the bookstore of your choice – and as usual you have 24 hours. Standard disclaimers apply: I’m not being compensated for this giveaway. Void where prohibited. Perm at your own risk. Hey, where’s Perry?

Bring it on, y’all – what’s going on up there?!

Categorized:

General Bitching...

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  1. Scrin says:

    You know you’re a lousy date when even your Real Doll’s smile is looking exceptionally fake and she’s making indications of wang-length with her fingers. Not very big indications, either.

    May this man be haunted by Aeschologia and Anacoluthon, the twin spirits of Boner-death. Oh, wait, he already is…

  2. Tee says:

    Who knew that that innocent ride on his bicycle all those years ago would lead to the rocky cliffs of paradise, with soaring hearts on a yellow balloon?  Now he is ready to give her a different kind of ride, when they meet again at the local *uck shack.

  3. Scrin says:

    …Actually, that could just be

    “You know you’re a lousy date when even your Real Doll’s smile looks exceptionally fake.”

  4. jayhjay says:

    Though they had grown up from when they were just two kids on a bike, Sally and Bill still know how to have a balloony good time!

  5. Tee says:

    He was a local game warden, she was a successful entrepreneur.  Could they make a life together when his needed the forest and following the ducks, and hers needed party planning?  Maybe with the help of local school kids Amy and Andy to show them the way – a science fair project to study ducks with balloons may be the be experiment to bring them together.

  6. riwally says:

    With just a little more finesse, Jerk, errr, uh Dirk would make it to first base.  Then, on to second, and then Holy HooHa, Batman….third base!!!

  7. Natalie Decker says:

    Dad tells us that after the bike crash in ‘65, mom was never quite the same…

  8. Jayne says:

    Or, if this were a summer action blockbuster:

    In a world where love is against the law . . . and are radioactive . . . Jack Stache is fighting back.

    One woman.
    One balloon.
    One chance.

    In bookstores July 1982.

  9. Jayne says:

    Durr, that would be “children are radioactive.” Nice editing skillz here.

  10. Lady T says:

    Their agreement was to consume their love of Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2 Century up on a TIN ROOF! Rusted!!

  11. LeslieB says:

    Frozen into position by the chemical melding of his Grecian Formula-treated mustache and her high percentage peroxide perm, Jill pasted a happy smile on her face while secretly she mourned for the children they could never conceive.

  12. Overquoted says:

    ‘Your perfect 80’s life is just a balloon release away!’

  13. spookymoon says:

    possibly the last comment for me… we dont know…

    Charles knew that Margo would acquiesce to him soon. After all, she finally let go of those damn balloons… See what happens when a woman with a fetish for latex and a man with a porno ‘stache make an agreement concerning BDSM at the Duck Shack!

  14. Lina says:

    Sorry, but in my book nothing beats “and in the mom jeans bind them.”

  15. spookymoon says:

    Nope! Just one more out of me!

    From their chemical induced haze they watched the pretty balloon fly way. Her drug of choice was sniffing the ammonium thioglycolate in her hair, he, of course, had a near permanent high from the ‘Just for Men’ dye in his mustache. But when they saw the minature children ride a bicycle out from Shelley’s womb, they knew that the duck shack agreement was going south.

  16. Amberly says:

    I thought for sure the title was a crop job (fake) and then followed the link to amazon. Holy smokes, which editor thought that was a good title ?

  17. VandyJ says:

    Mary had been warned, but she couldn’t resist the lure of Jon and his Duck Shack.

  18. helen says:

    So THAT’s where the squeeker last night went. Great idea honey, power the balloons with Ass Gas.

  19. Lovecow2000 says:

    After ending their childhood feud over the red bicycle with the famous “Duck Shack Agreement,” Dick and Jane meet once a year to release a yellow balloon. 

    … I got next to nothing here.  Can’t pull out a double entendre despite the lighthouse, mustache and balloon.  For some reason my earworm is 99 Luftballons even though the color is all wrong. 



  20. “Remember when I used to let you ride on my handlebar when we were kids, Tabetha?”
    “How could I forget when I have to live with an image of those far-off days jutting bizzarely from between my thighs. What’s your point, Dwane?”
    “I grew this baby,” Dwane rasped, twirling his luxuriant mustache suggestively, “so we could play the adult version.”
    “Have you forgotton about the duck house agreement?”
    “You shag one duck………..”

  21. Lovecow2000 says:

    He wanted red bicycle for the safe word; she wanted balloony tunes. Finally they agreed upon “Duck Shack.”

  22. StarOpal says:

    I… I’m too in awe of the insanity of the cover to caption. I just wanted to say that my life is a little more complete from having seen it. Though it may give me nightmares.

    Are we sure those’re supposed to be children on the bike? Their proportions are like disturbing, the “boy” has no neck.

  23. Wendy says:

    Holy crap, this guy looks like Lui Passaglia, longtime kicker for the CFL’s BC Lions, when he was a mite younger. Best photo I could find, here.

    Evilly, I am contemplating how best to use this post to start a rumour that Lui posed for romance novel covers in his youth…

  24. kathleen says:

    He knew any woman who nicknamed her uterus “the duck shack” would have no problem birthing large, healthy babies…but the bike was impressive.

  25. ashley says:

    “That’s right Julie, just concentrate on the balloon, and all of your mental health issues will fly away with it.  No dear, concentrate harder, you’re still imagining glowing children”

  26. Melissa says:

    For some reason I can’t help but think the guy is probably a bit of a perv, so here’s my caption:

    “Amy had never been very bright – when they were children, she found simply leaning against a bike to be endlessly entertaining. Over the years, chemicals from her perms had only made things worse. Luckily, Mike had never been interested in her for her brains. Now, if the balloon could just distract her for a little longer, he figured he might be able to cop a feel.”

  27. “Hey baby, how about we introduce my duck to your balloons and see where we can float off to.”

    or

    He knew it was only a matter of time. His masters, the Killer Clowns from Outerspace, had sent him to find a new delivery system for their balloon cages. This Balloony Tuney woman would be the perfect front – and one more session with the ‘stache would make her his to control. Just as soon as he figured out how to get rid of the glowing children … but that’s what the shack out by the duck pond was for.

    At least, that’s what it said in his agreement if he didn’t want his masters to eat him.

    include97—really close, cept it’s 99 Luft Balloons (and now some of you share the joy of having that song stuck in your heads =P)

  28. Nicole K says:

    John took his whole ‘Andrew McCarthy phase’ a little too literally. And realized that next time he would dress her in something that said ‘Lady in Red’ not ‘Golden Girls.’

  29. P.F. Bruns says:

    First, I’m right here!  (I know, I’m not a platypus, but my first name really is Perry.)

    On to the cover:

    “Enjoy this, honey.  It’s the only release you’re getting this entire vacation.”

    “Little did anyone know the Tri-state Blackout of 2011 could have been traced back to one yellow helium balloon shorting overhead power lines…”

    “Just as the kids rode by, the suspect grabbed Jane from behind, which caused her to let go of her balloon.”

    “When the bike started to glow and levitate, Sue Ann confessed to Joe that the first time she had visited the Duck Shack, there had been an extraterrestrial visitor with a bulbous head and the most awesome index finger she had ever seen…”

  30. Veronica D. says:

    Bill’s March Madness Moustache would prove to be the key to their love. Sally first met him mistaking him for a pedophile at her children’s park, but then found that he too was an avid Balooney Tunes fan. From there their love would continue until their mysterious encounter with their favorite character Yellow Mellow Balloon in Duck Shack Lighthouse.

  31. blownaway says:

    I don’t want to burst any balloonys here, but I blew up the cover pic and the kid on the bike looks suspiciously like a schnauzer pooch and not a kid. Of course a duck would have been better pick, considering their standing agreement.

    That is almost the worst cover. Ever.

  32. Ben P says:

    Terminator V:
    The Stepford Apocalypse

    – My caption for the cover.

    Srsly & OMG: Just look at their empty eyes, her robotic, soulless gaze into the distance, the maniacal expressions on the kid’s faces and the guy’s shudderingly dorky grin.

    You just know that there are frikkin’ andoids behind those faces. Damn, that cover completely melted my brain. I’m off to poke myself in the eye with a chopstick to relieve the pain.

  33. Kathlyn says:

    The Duck Shack Agreement: If by the time we are thirty neither of us has been hired as a Love Boat extra, we will open a balloon-o-gram company.

  34. Ben P says:

    And a pox on all of you for ever lowering the bar by mentioning the porn ‘stache.

    The fact that he actually resembles a horrible actor – or so I have heard – from said genre makes it even worse.

    image word:
    out99.

    – I’m not even going to go there.

  35. Tamara Hogan says:

    Um, wow.

    Are the children recently deceased? Are Moustache Man and Balloon Babe memorializing them by releasing a balloon bouquet? Is the Duck Shack actually a small-town crematorium or funeral home?

    Did the Village People call and ask for that moustache back?  Will any Harlequin editor crawl out of the woodwork and admit to giving this book its epic title?

  36. Chicklet says:

    Luckily, the International Olympic Committee was unable to test athletes for hallucinogens in 1972, otherwise Mark Spitz would have had to give up all seven of his gold medals. And the entire stock of Ballooney Tunes wouldn’t have been enough to make up for it.

  37. DeBORah V. says:

    As soon as Mary Beth Ru’Ber saw Maverick Quail’s nimble fingers at work shaping, molding, contouring, breathing life into an otherwise flaccid tube she knew she wanted him on her team—even if it meant a trip to the Duck Shack.

  38. Chickl says:

    Sorry, couldn’t resist doing another one:

    Lagging behind both No Strings Attached and Friends with Benefits at the box office, the producers of The Duck Shack Agreement were forced to admit that Creep O’Pornstache and Cheekbones McMomjeans were no Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.

  39. Kinaheso says:

    I now have the theme song to the 90’s children’s show Duck Tales stuck in my head.  It amused me how some of the lyrics worked well with the cover.

    I’m not entering the contest, because the words are most definitely not mine, I just felt like sharing.  😀

    Lyrics from Ducktales:

    D-D-D-Danger! Watch behind you
    There’s a stranger out to find you
    What to do? Just grab on to some …

    DuckTales (oooh ooooh)
    Every day they’re out there making
    DuckTales (oooh ooooh)
    Tales of daring do bad and good
    LuckTales (oooh ooooh)

    Youtube video to the song:

  40. Deadline Hell says:

    The fact that he actually resembles a horrible actor – or so I have heard – from said genre makes it even worse.

    Word.

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