Help A Bitch Out - SOLVED!

HaBO: XTREME WTFERY

You did it! We figured this one out! It is a truth universally acknowledged (by me for certain) that the Bitchery pretty much knows everything, and really, it's true. Scroll down to see the solution for this HaBO - and many thanks!

From Caitlin comes this HaBO request of a book with a plot that clearly went to Dunkin’ Donuts and got a power shot of CrazySauce. Really. I read this twice and still didn’t believe it. Caitlin, are you makin’ this up?!

This was the first romance novel I ever read and it was lent to me by a
friend in middle school (so around 1997 or so). The book at an emerald green
cover, took place in the middle ages and was part of a series.
The heroine was ostracized from society and lived in a small hut in the
woods. One day while out scavenging (or something) she finds this knight who
was hanged, but the limb broke under his weight before he died, so she puts
him on the horse she found wounded several months earlier and takes him
home. As he heals they (of course) find they are attracted to each other,
although she is clueless about what she’s feeling. He realizes the horse is
actually one of his lord’s favorite stallions, stolen months before and
accuses her. He finally accepts that she didn’t steal the horse, but takes
it with him when he leaves her (pregnant) to return to the castle and his
life.
He’s out riding one day a few weeks later (I think he was riding because he
missed her and needed to think) and sees her running toward the woods being
pelted by rocks and chased by mean village kids (a common occurrence, she
had a star shaped? scar on her face from a rock) and rides to the rescue,
marries her and they live happily ever after.

Memorable moments:

-Bathing with hero in the river and notices her nipples are hard, she isn’t
cold so why?

-He comes in her mouth during a racy scene and she wonders whether the baby
would come out of her mouth if she got pregnant that way. Told hero she
wants a kid when he says she can’t get pregnant that way.

-May have been ostracized because her mother/she was believed to be a witch

-I think the heroine had long curly hair, maybe red

There was also an excerpt to the next book in the series that showed the
heroine and a friend douse the hero with pig bladder water balloons dropped
of a balcony.

That’s all I can remember, would appreciate any help!

OK, those moments are so memorable, I haven’t even read this book, and I will remember them for ages to come. In fact, I think I’ve aged just reading it again. For REAL? This is a REAL BOOK? Who am I kidding, of course it is. And many of you already know which one it is, don’t you?

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  1. Literary Slut says:

    Lynn S wrote:

    Also, am I the only one who is terrified that Rachel’s acquaintance will probably one day be a licensed, practicing physician.

    What do they call the person who graduates at the bottom of the class in medical school?

    Answer: “Doctor.”

  2. AgTigress says:

    I can manage some suspension of belief, especially in areas where I have no knowledge.

    I think most reasonable people can.  Everyone makes mistakes, and the occasional error is usually forgivable.  But I can’t forgive someone who evidently just can’t be bothered to get the basics right.  If the author can’t be bothered to do a professional job with her writing, I can’t be bothered to read her.
    As an example of the ‘orange tree’ kind of mistake, years ago (1980s) I read a category romance in which the author described a litter of newborn kittens as hairless:  no, not Sphynx cats.  She thought kittens were all born naked, like baby mice.  I didn’t finish the book.  I can’t remember its title, nor the name of the author!

  3. Chrissy says:

    I kindled this trilogy and have started WICKED.  It’s awful.  I’m enjoying it anyway. 

    I loved being at the court of Edward Longshanks and Eleanor and having Green Sleeves sung.

    Swear. To. Gawd.
    LMAO

  4. JamiSings says:

    @Ann – The thing is, there has always, from the first time there was a religion, always been non-believers and half-assed believers. They weren’t as predominate as they are now, but they existed. We all have free will and no matter what the church says, we cannot be controlled. If a knight only gave lip service to religion so he could line his pockets with gold from raids, wars, and tournaments, he could.

    Obviously, not having read this book, I don’t know what the knight was really like. I’m just saying there is a slim chance he really didn’t believe what the church was telling him.

  5. Coffeefaery says:

    Much of our view of the middle ages is colored by enlightenment snobbery or 19th century prudery (just as people always seem to think the 1930s were like the 1950s for some reason I don’t quite understand).

    I generally read historical novels and romances FOR the inaccuracies—especially when I was a medieval studies major in undergrad. I consider them part of the entertainment—if I got bored, I could always nitpick.  There are very few authors I expect authenticity from—Sharon Kay Penman (mentioned before), Judith Tarr, etc.

    Most novels, all I expect is broad strokes. If it’s even possible in the time frame (that is, if a key plot event didn’t happen fifty years earlier, or if something wasn’t invented 200 years in the future)—well then I’m content.

    An author like Penman spends years in research, most genre novelists are encouraged? required? to publish annually. I’d rather have my flawed medieval romances than none at all!

  6. The spectrum, guys.  The spectrum.  Of honesty, of faithfulness, of intelligence, of evil, of sanity, of tolerance, of creativity, of (perhaps) gullibility, etc.  We all fall somewhere along the spectrum.

  7. If a knight only gave lip service to religion so he could line his pockets with gold from raids, wars, and tournaments, he could.

    Got your sources for that statement?

    If this knight was agnostic or atheist (very unlikely no matter what you say) then I would expect the author to highlight that issue – not ignore it, or have him ignore the consequences of ‘unnatural’ sex acts.

    You’re determined to see this set up through 21st century eyes, and nothing anyone else can tell you will change that. Okay. But some of us can’t help but think it’s unrealistic and that destroys enjoyment in a book. Can you at least understand that?

  8. Awww, geez, guys.  Take a break and watch Spartacus for chrissakes. Y’all need a little distraction.

  9. Lynn S. says:

    @Virginia Llorca Hee, you so made me laugh.  Are we talking new Spartacus or classic Spartacus?  Authentic or grossly inaccurate?  Where and when?  I need to know.

  10. @Lynn s.  The one on Starz.  The previous season and now.  Gadzooks.  I feel bad they found a sub for Andy Whitfield for next season.  I hope he gets better.  Some of those guys you gotta wonder if they are using prosthetic cocks for decency laws or something.  I pretend they are not.

  11. AgTigress says:

    But some of us can’t help but think it’s unrealistic and that destroys enjoyment in a book.

    Though evidently, only for some of us.  It seems such a shame to me that many readers are effectively uninterested in history, and think of it as some dreary, boring academic discipline, because if one is interested in people at all (and surely, the enjoyment of stories about personal relationships is all about people and their behaviour), then a grasp of history deepens that interest and enjoyment so much.

    An historical novel that is based on sound knowledge, and that helps its readers get into the mind-set of their ancestors at a given period, to understand just the ways in which they were like us and the ways in which they were not, is so much more interesting than the modern-people-in-fancy-dress scenario.  A well-written and well-researched historical novel that provides a clear window into the past enhances its readers’ understanding of our own culture, too.

  12. @AgTigress   Perhaps i come seeking redemption.  I am reading Kathryn by Anya Seton.  Tears.  Breath holding.  Half way through.  Can and should hold a candle to anything written today.  Probably no HEA comin’ up, tho.  And, please, at least for me, I do not read as one uninterested in the history.  I just can’t get all caught up in looking for mistakes.  My kids are beasts for God’s sake.  How can I expect perfection from anyone? Yeah, I know, I think you are talking about respect.  Got it.  Have it.  Sometimes.

  13. Lynn S. says:

    @Virginia Llorca So nice to have met you here in the Halls of Academia.  Wow, if I weren’t such a squeamish girl about the slicing and dicing, I’d be all over Spartacus. 

    So, Anya Seton is making you cry.  I haven’t read Seton yet but have the feeling I’d be more inclined towards Green Darkness.  Marion Chesney made me cry once (yup, Marion Chesney).  That would seem to indicate I cry easily, but no, somehow she plucked me and there I went. 

    It probably wasn’t apparent from my original post but I also enjoy historical detail of both the rich and frothy varieties and I can usually tell within the first chapter or two whether an author has any intention of honoring the time and place where their novel is set and whether that will be a problem within the world of that particular book.  I have a generous nature on the accuracy issue though and I’m still not sure where people got the idea that authors are supposed to play fair.

  14. AgTigress says:

    I’m still not sure where people got the idea that authors are supposed to play fair.

    Authors can make their own choices (up to a point, since editors and publishing houses can, and often do, impose changes on them).  Some will be good choices, though, and others will be poor ones.  Some readers like historical material to be true, while others apparently don’t care.  This has to be in part because they do not perceive the past as ‘real’, but as an imaginative construct in itself.  It’s real.  We are where we are today because of the routes and the choices taken by our ancestors.  But just because some readers couldn’t give a damn about historical integrity doesn’t mean that a professional writer may be equally casual.  The readers who don’t care about history will presumably be equally happy with genuine facts and with blatant fantasy:  the readers who do care will despise the nonsense plots and characters.  They will not enjoy such books.  I would expect a dedicated writer to try to please the largest readership possible.

    I am sure that few people here would be relaxed reading a novel set in their own town or region, in which many of the ‘facts’ were blatantly false:  not just deciduous orange-trees, but a completely alien setting and atmosphere represented as a real place in the here and now.  I am sure that nobody here would be comfortable if they read a novel in which a central character was based closely on themselves, same name, same age, background, appearance, profession etc., but made by the author to behave in reprehensible ways.  Indeed, in such a case, the reader might well be able to seek legal redress.

    Just because the people of the past, and the world in which they lived, is no longer current doesn’t mean that we should not bother about representing it as accurately as we can.  As I said before, there is nothing whatever to stop a writer from creating a completely invented setting, whether it is a generic contemporary ‘American small town’ or an elaborate fantasy universe.  But if she uses the framework of history, of real events and real people who are long dead, I think she has a duty, both to her readers and to her own self-respect, to get it right to the best of her ability.  She can make the choice not to bother, but I think that is a sloppy, unprofessional choice.

  15. Caitcat65 says:

    @SarahJeanie, This was one of the few racy books my mom didn’t take away. It belonged to a friend so she couldn’t confiscate someone else’s book. 🙂

    I’m pretty sure this is the book I was looking for! I’m adding it to my Amazon cart right now. Thanks everyone!

  16. Janelba says:

    I don’t know this book, but I think I need to read it!

    ME TOO!! I was scowling as I read the entry. WOAH!

  17. Nicole K says:

    I snagged it for my Nook! Can’t wait to read it!

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