You did it! We figured this one out! It is a truth universally acknowledged (by me for certain) that the Bitchery pretty much knows everything, and really, it's true. Scroll down to see the solution for this HaBO - and many thanks!
Emily Ryan-Davis writes:
Some friends and I were reminiscing over old WTF plots (weren’t they all?)
and I remembered one book that I THOUGHT was a Karen Robards historical, but
after doing some research I’m not so sure. Is there any chance we can ask
the HABO readership? Here are the deets (blurred by time as they may be):Historical from the late 80s/early 90s. I believe it was a historical with a
western American setting. The heroine was taking shelter in a brothel that
had secret passageways and she was nearly raped in the kitchen with the aid
of a packet of bacon grease. The brothel kept a talking bird on the
premises, named Onan – after the masturbating Onan of Biblical reference –
because it jizzed all over the place. Does anybody remember the title of
this book? I have a vague memory of a white cover with brilliant peacock
feathers and the feathers were raised/embossed.P.S. I think there was a hot and heavy ‘horses mating’ scene that got the
hero and heroine going, too.
How many historical romances featured couples who got all hot and bothered by watching horses mate? I know I’ve read at least a few – anyone remember this one?
I distinctly remember reading at least two that featured people getting worked up over seeing horses go at it.
I remember being fairly baffled by this, since I grew up around horses including seeing them bred/helping stand the mares, and it’s A. Brief, B. Awkward, and C. Usually the mare is less than thrilled.
Also again, BRIEF. Seriously. Thrust-thrust-thrust, done.
Whoa, wait… birds jizz?
I don’t know this book, but I’ve read one where the people get hot by watching mammoths doing it.
And what is this part about the bacon grease ?
@Jennifer Armintrout, the Onan bird name joke I am familiar with has nothing to do with jizz—the bird is named Onan because he literally spills his seed on the ground. Either the OP is misremembering or the author of the book took a little witticism and made it unnecessarily gross.
Actually, I think Ayla gets hot both from watching the mammoths and from watching the horses. (Although I think the mammoth scene is a little more WTF-tastic.) Then again, I think Ayla got hot from watching rocks, so…
already38 – Yes, there had already been 38 plot “twists” in Jean Auel’s books that made my brain go “bzuh?” before I gave up on them.
I didn’t find the book, but apparently Dorothy Parker had a parakeet she named Onan because he spilled his seed everywhere. (at least that’s how the interwebs have the story).
Weird.
I more disturbed by the bacon grease than by the bird or the horses.
D’oh! Of course it was Dorothy Parker. (Not the HABO, the origin of the clever play on seed.)
I’m with Dena. I helped a friend by holding a mare being bred to her stallion, and my only reaction was a fervent hope that no one would get hurt.
Well this isn’t hlepful but one of the Janet Dailey Calder saga books had lots of horse mating in it. Yeah, should NOT have read those suckers when I was in jr. high.
Well, I’ve got a parakeet who has definite fondness for one of his toys, if you know what I mean. It’s a cute little hanging toy with a tassel and a bell…
eye19….yep, I’ve seen it with my own eyes, at least 19 times.
Even if a title isn’t forthcoming, I’m still amusedisturbed by the memory 🙂 Thanks Sarah for putting it up.
Re: the memory of Onan’s, er, role in the book – I don’t know. The impression I got was of ejaculation BUT I was probably 14 when I read this book so it’s possible my reading comprehension failed to pick up the literalness of bird seed. I do recall the brothel madame / girls tittered over the implication, though.
And yes, the bacon grease was…something else. Very WTF.
I don’t think seed was a pun….but I could be wrong. Anyway, I hope someone figures this out, I’m intrigued.
Pun is probably the wrong word—but if it’s not a double entendre then it’s not clever, and it just seems to work better if Bible Onan commits the sin (which I seem to recall was actually closer to pulling out than to masturbation) and Bird Onan has birdseed falling out of his cage.
I do not think this is the book; however, wasn’t there a scene in Lavryle Spencer’s The Gamble where a couple get worked up after watching two horses boinking? It may not have been the hero and the heroine though – possibly a former prostitute and a deaf man. It’s been years since I read it so I could be making this up.
Long, long ago, a dean remarked to me that I was the only English major with a comparative anatomy elective. Birds have cloacas.
Kat Martin had a book or two where the main characters got hot and heavy watching horses do it. One was in the old west I think, I don’t really remember the particulars.
My parakeet used to get all hot and bothered over anything. The only time he ever “finished what he started” was on my cousin’s hand. My mom had to comment, “Well, Sean, you should have at least made him buy you dinner first.” 😀
Nora Roberts’ True Betrayals is a contemporary with the hot n heavy horse voyeur scene.
Yes, it was. The ‘sin’ of Onan was not really even coitus interruptus, which was what he did, at least according to the translations I have read, let alone masturbation, but rather, his refusal to follow the prescribed duty of impregnating his brother’s widow.
On birds mating, as Virginia has reminded us, in most species it is unlike mammalian coitus in that the animals merely place their vents together. But of course the male produces sperm. This is still a good deal more intimate than the mating of most fishes, where the female first deposits her eggs, and the male then swims over them, depositing his sperm.
However, there are some male fishes (e.g. guppies) that have developed an intromittent organ (modified anal fin, called the gonopodium), and these fishes are livebearers, giving birth to tiny fry rather than laying eggs. Male guppies spend most of their time chasing the larger females, waving their little gonopodia enthusiastically.
Likewise, there are some bird species that have male organs which are, in effect, penises (or penes, if you prefer); specifically swans, ducks (and, I think, cassowaries). Which makes Leda’s experience more interesting than one might otherwise have expected. Watch ducks in the spring, and you will see a lot of gang-banging that is often quite hard on the poor females.
Sorry, got carried away there. I am interested in zoology, too.
Incidentally, although the mating of horses (and cattle) is very quick, I can well imagine that in certain circumstances, watching the stallion approaching the mare with his organ at the ready, rather than the actual mounting, might be sexually exciting.
This had me in stitches. I know, I should grow up.
Milena, it is so tempting to anthropomorphise! I used to think of my female guppies as respectable ladies. Clad in their modest, subtle colours, they swam sedately with their minds on higher things, perhaps pondering deep thoughts of piscine philosophy. Certainly nothing was further from their minds than sex. The boys, however, were constantly showing off; small and bright, bedizened in glowing colours and flaunting their long, diaphanous fins, they darted about quivering eagerly, and saying, ‘Hey, hey, look at me! Look what I’VE got!! HEY!’
Sad to say, both sexes were equally inclined to eat newborn baby guppies if one did not take steps to prevent it…
This site is an endless education.
To further the educational bent, I give you ducksecs (from the Guardian, with explanation of duck evolution and how the females in the aforementioned gang bang avoid total annihilation — I’ve seen it. It’s not pretty)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2009/dec/23/video-genital-warfare-ducks
OMG. I think I’ll stick to guppies with their enthusiastic little gonopodia.
spamword: planning69. If I were a duck, I really wouldn’t do that.
Sorry Em, have no idea about the book
A few weeks ago we were watching a Dirty Jobs, the Diva and I. She has a very vague notion of procreation – knows it takes a male and female, knows animals “mate,” knows about menstruation and why it happens, knows dogs are born with testicles, but hasn’t put it all together, nor asked me to.
So we’re watching Mike Rowe and he’s at a horse breeding operation, and I’m thinking we should change the channel but I know she’ll bitch b/c it’s one of her favorite shows, and the breeding guy says “well, Mike, we’re going to _________” – can’t remember how he phrased it but they were going to get semen from the stallion. Honestly can’t remember if they used a phantom mare or an artificial vagina, but they showed the whole thing and those few seconds lasted forever and I just sat there waiting for Diva to say, “Umm, Mommy, what….”
But she didn’t. And so The Talk was postponed once more.
Cats have kittens
Dogs have puppies
Guppies just have little guppies.
Wish I could remember who wrote that.
He’s called Onan ‘cause he “spills his seed”. Don’t know the book, but it’s a moderately humorous Biblical reference. BTW, Onan’s crime wasn’t masturbation but coitus interruptus. He refused to get his sister-in-law Tamar pregnant, so she disguises herself as a whore and sleeps with her father-in-law Judah instead. I love the Bible for its wholesome and uplifting moral tales.[g]
@Darlene – BWWAAAHAAAHAAAAAAAAA!
If you were widowed, would you want your husband’s relative’s child?
To raise by yourself in a time before WIC?
I can understand wanting your husband’s baby if you lose him before having children but the rest of that just baffles me.
Sorry for the threadjack, but really.
Bird sex! I love a happy ending involving cloacal kisses!
Haha, Dena- I spent some time working on a WB breeding farm and before that had boarded my horses at a barn that had a few racing stallions. I saw my first live cover at the age of 14 and my thought was “That’s it? Makes you feel bad for the mares.” Lots of the stable workers joked about 30 second Sam, who was, of course, the most valuable one on the lot… and that was record length for him too.
I can’t help with this book, but @Jane Lovering – the poem you’re quoting is by Ogden Nash and it’s called “The Guppy”
He is – without a doubt – my favorite poet
@your friendly neighborhood dentonista Thank you so much! That’s been bugging me for ages. And I agree, a wonderful poet.
Lisa Hendrix: many thanks for that fascinating link. I have watched drakes raping ducks many times, but I did not know about these interior convolutions! Pigs have strange-shaped penises, too. Just saying.
And another Ogden Nash fan here, Dentonista. 🙂
I don’t think it was a case of what the widow (or the brother) wanted, Henofthewoods: I understand that according to Jewish teaching in Old Testament times, it was divinely ordained that a man should ‘raise up children in his brother’s name’ if the brother was deceased. If I have misremembered that, I am sure Jewish readers here will correct me, and I apologise if I have got it wrong.
Remember that many ancient laws and customs in tribal societies were predicated on a way of life and inheritance systems very different from ours, and heavily inflenced by very high infant mortality and much shorter life expectation. Reproduction was not a choice or a right: it was a duty. Things that seem quite scandalous today, including the canonical marriageable age for girls (12), looked very different in a pre-industrial society.
Um, I don’t normally post links to stuff in blog comments. But I felt I would be remiss if I didn’t point out this blog post I did recently regarding animal threesomes (specifically whales…and no, the images in the post are not remotely safe for work, kids, or your brain).
http://1800domhelp.blogspot.com/2011/02/fetish-friday-animal-threesomes.html
Shorter version: animals sometimes have threesomes/moresomes, whales have gigantic wieners, and like all the other posters I have no idea about the book being sought, but man I adore these threads.
consider87: No idea what position that is, but I think I’ll go google it up for conideration 🙂
AgTigress, sounds like you’d be interested in my most popular coffee table book:
http://www.amazon.com/How-They-Do-Robert-Wallace/dp/0688087183/ref=sr_1_9?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1298912770&sr=1-9
Definitely includes pigs and their corkscrew-shaped penes. 😉
Hmmm…you know, I think just about anything is improved by bacon, but the plot of this story just proved me wrong!!!
LEW, thank you very much indeed for the reference. I had not come across your book, but it sounds as though I should make a space for it on the shelf near Olivia Judson’s charming Dr. Tatiana’s Sex Advice to all Creation.
My own books on animals are connected with art and mythology and are deliberately sex-free, though I have also published on (human) erotic art. I don’t want to give Amazon links here, because I try to keep my online and real-life personae (personas?) apart.
🙂