Friday Videos have a Uterus Cannon

I found this and nearly hurt myself snort-laughing. If you’ve never seen TLC, it’s reality programming at its most bizarre and sad. Here’s their upcoming “lineup:”

What light through yonder window breaks? It is a link!

 

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Friday Videos

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  1. 1
    Bibliophile says:

    This is almost as strange as the actual programming lineup, but much funnier.

  2. 2
    Sarah W says:

    You weren’t kidding about the snort-laughing.  Ow.

    WEtv is still my go-to trashy-bizarre channel, but this isn’t much exaggerated!

  3. 3
    Zodiac Lung says:

    I remember when The Learning Channel actually provided worthwhile things to learn. What the heck happened? My favorite was back in the early 2000’s when someone attached a tiny camera to some woman’s cervix and my husband and I were agog to see this giant penis head coming toward us on the screen. Now THAT’S learning!

  4. 4
    Lyssa says:

    Snort, cough, struggle to quickly forward to all my friends…Twisted humor love it.

  5. 5
    Colonel Angus says:

    Mine is more like a grenade launcher

  6. 6
    JenD says:

    For some reason Old Face, New Vagina was the one that made me laugh till it hurt.

    My face- not my vagina.

    Now I’m imagining how that show would look.

    Ext Day: crowded outdoor shopping mall. young, beautiful people walk around while tossing their hair.

    Announcer: Beautiful people with beautiful hair fill the plaza with their perfect examples of youth, vigor and sex. They have such young vaginas- perfect and perky.

    (Zoom in on older woman- harried and loaded down with bags)

    Announcer: It’s a fact of life that the once perky vagina feels the years of fate’s cruel hand- squeezing it painfully until it yelps like a small frightened chihuahua. THIS could be YOU.

    Int- Median-aged woman sits in front of a potted plant. Still harried looking- but sitting obviously on a large inflatable donut; it’s paisley.

    Announcer: This is Pansy Wiggums. Woman of *that* age and Mother to fifty five. Why did she want a new vagina? What COULD her motivation have been?

    Pansy Wiggums: Well, it’s all about marketing these days isn’t it? I mean, you see the apple and starbucks logos all over, people driving the cars with stickers on them- it’s just progress and I have to keep up. Besides- what with the job market the way it is, we can never be too prepared to make that first impression.

    Interviewer: So can your husband barely keep his hands off you now? Is your worth as a human being, as a sex-tube, has it been restored?

    Pansy: Oh yes. He can barely keep his hands to himself anyway, on account of his klepto, but I can definitely tell a difference. We’re going through latex gloves faster than a lubed up mouse in a bank tube. I’m considering buying stock in Johnson and Johnson.

  7. 7
    SB Sarah says:

    *wheeze* *wheeeeeeze*

  8. 8
    Tracy says:

    How gullible am I that it took me a minute to realize it was fake.  I just woke up, so….

    I like 9 Fat Kids, 1 Dessert.  Now that’s a show I would watch.

    Pansy Wiggums: Well, it’s all about marketing these days isn’t it? I mean, you see the apple and starbucks logos all over, people driving the cars with stickers on them- it’s just progress and I have to keep up. Besides- what with the job market the way it is, we can never be too prepared to make that first impression.

    I changed my mind.  THAT’S the one I want to watch.  LOL.

  9. 9

    I’ve just watched this three times now and I can’t stop laughing. I want to see “Dwarf Hoarders.” For some reason, I picture Geraldo sneaking into a darkened house with the camera crew to expose the shocking truth behind these little people “collectors.”

  10. 10
    Nessa says:

    Pansy Wiggums: Well, it’s all about marketing these days isn’t it? I mean, you see the apple and starbucks logos all over, people driving the cars with stickers on them- it’s just progress and I have to keep up. Besides- what with the job market the way it is, we can never be too prepared to make that first impression.

    Interviewer: So can your husband barely keep his hands off you now? Is your worth as a human being, as a sex-tube, has it been restored?

    Pansy: Oh yes. He can barely keep his hands to himself anyway, on account of his klepto, but I can definitely tell a difference. We’re going through latex gloves faster than a lubed up mouse in a bank tube. I’m considering buying stock in Johnson and Johnson.

    Oh dear God.  I fell off my chair.

  11. 11
    Karenmc says:

    Oh god.

    And I may have to name a future pet after Pansy Wiggums. Preferably a chihuahua.

  12. 12

    Oh, that’s hilarious! I’m falling about laughing.

    Scarlett and I gave this blog what we’re calling the Cold Shower Award.

  13. 13
    Eliza Knight says:

    I almost believed this was the real lineup!  Seriously, they do have some crazy shows…

    I liked the Old Face, New Vagina, so freaking hilarious!  And the guys voice, so calm and educational sounding.  How many times do you think he cracked up recording that?

    Thanks for the laugh!

  14. 14
    DreadPirateRachel says:

    @JenD

    I’m seriously girl-crushing on you right now!

  15. 15
    Pickle says:

    Unquestionably snort worthy, but it was JenD FTW!

    Sarah, I must share this with my friends.  Thanks for the chuckle….after three days with the flu, I needed that!

  16. 16
    Suze says:

    My favorite was back in the early 2000’s when someone attached a tiny camera to some woman’s cervix and my husband and I were agog to see this giant penis head coming toward us on the screen.

    Back in the 80’s there was a Nature of Things (with Dr. David Suzuki) that showed intercourse internally, following an ejaculation from start to finish through the various tubes of the penis and then into the vagina, cervix, uterus.

    I think the fibreoptic filming was done at a Swedish university.  It was amazing.  Damned if I can find a reference for it, though.

  17. 17
    EbonyMcKenna says:

    Bwahahahahahah!

    Magnificent work there.

  18. 18
    Scrin says:

    Those cake shows will definitely turn you off the idea of cake.

    I actually sort of miss the “Interior design show” era of TLC. When you could get Trading Spaces and Surprise By Design and all. I liked watching that more than three different shows about cakes and another show about having a ton of kids. (Question: If a couple have six children at once, does that make it a uterus cannon or a uterus shotgun?)

  19. 19
    Tracy says:

    Isn’t this the channel that features “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant”?  How they find more than one person to drive this series is beyond me.

  20. 20
    Kristin says:

    Oh thank God you warned us.  My keyboard would not have survived ice tea spewing all over it.  FUNNY stuff.

  21. 21
    Emily says:

    Don’t let the execs from TLC see this video… they’ll decide all these shows are fantastic ideas!  Made me laugh, though.

  22. 22
    meezergrrrl says:

    Hey…. Doesn’t Small Dogs Big Dumps belong on Animal Planet?

  23. 23
    Major Silliness says:

    I’m still thrilled to find other women with a twist, lemon, lime, whatever.  I want the t-shirt that Pansy wears… Don’t look HERE, look DOWN THERE!  Mom Says It’s OK.

  24. 24
    ironlesbian2 says:

    Such a shame my uterus has gone to the great pathology lab in the sky.  I would have rocked Uterus Cannon.

  25. 25
    ashley says:

    TLC is still not as pathetic and disappointing as MTV.  Holy shit when someone in my house is watching that rot I have to leave the room or risk the safety of the tv

  26. 26
    TracyS says:

    If a guy had 12 wives, he’d have more than 12 problems! LOL

  27. 27

    Damn, you almost had me going with this one! The Uterus Cannon—there is some new show that TLC (Lifetime? Who knows) is doing that has something to do with childbirth that seems to involve an idiot husband who just wants to eat cheeseburgers and watch TV while his wife is in labor. At least that was the promo I saw.

    You can see why I got fooled. How about the shows celebrating families with umpty-million kids, or toddlers dressed like Vegas showgirls to feed some need their mothers have . . . OMG don’t get me started.

  28. 28
    Cynara says:

    I can remember when TLC actually focussed on educational programming.

  29. 29
    Yamyamyam says:

    Idiot Family… Ahem… Does “At Home With the Kardashians” not fall under this? (see also “The Osbournes”)

    Me though? I’m all for the Divorce Horse.

    I can see it now. Set on a ranch. With couples screaming at each other from puzzled horses. And whoever can stay on the bucking bronco long enough can keep the house. Whoever scoops the biggest pile of horseshit, gets to keep the wedding album though.

    Who said this WASN’T educational?

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