Bitchery reader Lynn sent me an email that tickled me so much, I nearly fell off my chair laughing.
I was recently wandering around the internet searching for a new category author to add to my ebook library because my personal mission is to help insure the solvency of Books on Board. I came across Annie West through an old recommendation to you from Courtney Milan and, as I was reading through the titles in her back list, I pulled up Protected by the Prince and read the back of the book description. The third thing I thought after reading it was that I had to share it with you.
Right there in the back of the book copy was the phrase “…and he finds himself drawn to her burgeoning purity!” (exclamation point included) and, well, my first thought was What? I was mystified, as my understanding of those two words made their usage together puzzling, so I looked up the definition of burgeoning and then I looked up the definition of purity and my second thought was double What?! Is this any relation to ripening virginity or possibly the shy younger sister of fermenting sexuality?
Although it’s a humdinger, I’m fairly certain it is not the wildest hyperbole out there; so I thought you might pose a question to your readership as to their favorite What?! moment in flap copy, back of book copy, or cover blurbology. I can see a good game of one-upmanship in the making and would love to know what turn of phrase tops “burgeoning purity”.
Lynn isn’t even kidding: here’s the cover copy.
Prince Alaric of Ruvingia is as wild and untamed as the remote kingdom he rules. Women fight to warm his royal bed, but he ensures that none outstays her welcome. Then reserved, bespectacled archivist Tamsin Connors uncovers a shocking state secret….
Now Tamsin has Alaric’s undivided attention—and he finds himself drawn to her burgeoning purity! Duty demands only a temporary arrangement…but soon their powerful passion is enough to fuel a lifetime’s love….
I’ve got a crisp burgeoning dollar (US) that nothing tops “burgeoning purity.” My burgeoning curiosity is hopping to see your answers to this burgeoning question on cover copy because it is burgeoning awesome. Do your worst: what cover copy description sent your burgeoning eyebrows to your hairline?
The cover title that sent me scrambling for my small change purse at the yard sale:
Love’s Fiery Jewel, by Elaine Barbieri.
Yes, the heroine’s name is Amethyst…her eye color? Violet. It’s a TBR for me….
The rather lengthy blurb on another yard sale find makes me hesitate to read the book itself, I mean, how can it beat the blurb?…I can only present it, dear Bitches, with my inner snark commenting and my sense of WTF firmly screwed down:
Passion’s Paradise
by Sonya T. Pelton
As the beautiful
<
of course>, fair-haired
Angel Sherwood sailed from England to Louisiana Louisiana being a natural mecca for all angelically blond English women> , she sense that her destiny flowed with the rough waves of the ocean
. Frightened by the harsh sea
, Angel prayed that perhaps, just perhaps, she would find happiness and romance in her new home.
But Angel’s fate changed course
when she was kidnapped by the cruel, yet captivating pirate, Captain Ty
. And even though her future was suddenly in the balance
, Angel was strangely warmed by his manly touch Yes, it IS strange, considering your sad kidnapped fate, Ms. Stockholm!>. Her strong captor stirred in her a delicious pleasure, a burning fire that made her whole body tingle with precious thrills.I hear you – a light dose of searing flame gives me precious thrills too. Darling ones, even.>
Captain Ty’s black heart was softened, too, by her golden presence
; she was an untouched treasure
, full of charm, wit and innocence – a jewel that he feverishly desired
. But rather than taint his savage and foreboding name, he kept his feelings hidden.
First he had to be sure that her heart belonged to him – and then he would send her to ….Passions’s Paradise
Oh, it’s FINE to hide your feelings, Captain, act like a jerk, make sure the girl’s well and truly hooked before revealing your feelings, because only then is it ok to taint your name? O captain, where’s the end of the line? I want to get in on that.
You see why I’m saving this one fer-special, right?
Password saw28. Because the book blurb makes me feel TRAPPED.
Since I do a few Harlequin reviews over at The Good, The Bad and The Unread, I’ve come across a few. How about this one from Chantelle Shaw’s “His Unknown Heir”?
“She committed a sin. And hides a shocking secret. Ramon Velaquez, heir to the Velaquez winery, clearly stated his cardinal rule to Lauren Maitland – he can’t promise her more than a red-hot affair. Whilst she heard the words, her heart wasn’t listening, and her punishment for falling in love was to be sent away. Two years later, and Ramon still can’t escape the memories of the woman he banished. But when he finds Lauren again she’s independent, strong, and harbouring a shocking secret.”
Two things in that one. First, I didn’t know hearts had ears, and second, bet you can’t guess what the “shocking secret” is! (title + blurb = secret bun in the oven).
There are sometimes non sequitors, like this sentence from Maggie Cox’s “The Man In The Mask”
“when Eduardo sees innocent, pretty Marianne Lockwood literally singing for her supper, he impulsively offers her a job as his live-in housekeeper”
Like you go to nightclubs to interview housekeepers? How did that go? “I loved your version of “Over the Rainbow.” Do you know how to use a vacuum cleaner?”
Sometimes I could tear my hair out, because these blurbs do their best to hide some really great reads (I can recommend the Cox). The author gets the blurb she’s given, like the cover.
I can’t offer anything to compete with “burgeoning purity.” But I can hazard a guess as to what that might mean. Perhaps mousy Tamsin is in fact a reformed trollop, her purity being a newfound thing, and growing each day under careful cultivation? In which case her spectacles were an excellent choice since everyone knows that pure girls don’t wear contacts.
There was a Marjorie M. Liu book with the phrase “variegated hair” in the cover copy. I remember this because I don’t think I’d ever seen those two words together before, let alone in cover copy. But then the supermarket in town hired a girl who actually has variegated hair, and I was glad that I knew the phrase.
I definitely agree with that. I’m a relatively new Harlequin reader, and another thing that’s struck me is how often things I wish had been mentioned on the back cover aren’t. It’s usually serious stuff, like the heroine’s mother has Alzheimer’s, or the heroine is recovering from a recent home invasion that has wrecked her emotionally. On the back cover, everything looks light and fluffy – I hate going into a book expecting that, only to discover that there’s heavy stuff going on. It’s not that I mind heavy stuff, I just like to know what I’m getting into so I’m in a frame of mind for dealing with it. I feel like I can never know what to expect from a Harlequin, not unless I’ve looked up reviews or read the author before.
I can’t top burgeoning purity, though for some strange reason the phrase that leaped into my mind to accompany it was “…and the heartbreak of psoriasis.”
Variegated hair I can easily envisage (in fact, one sees examples on the London Underground daily): burgeoning purity, however, absolutely defeats my imagination.
🙂
Deleted – posted by mistake.
Nowhere nearly as good as “burgeoning purity,” but I remember the hero (not his apparel) of a Fern Michaels novel being described as “sumptuous.” Not being Hannibal Lecter, it never occurred to me to use that word to describe a person.
A sumptuous hero? Wow. Male pros, perhaps? (Sumptuous = “splendid and expensive looking” per OxAm)
Sorry, have nothing to top burgeoning purity. (Have a nice image in my head of a sweet potato vine putting out new shoots, though.)
school22: clearly refers to where that copy writer should be on today’s date.
@Laurel … I’ve never thought of contact lenses as phallic…but now…I’m not too sure.
Next time I put my contact lenses in shall certainly be an adventure!
I can’t top the blurb, but this seems like the perfect thread to mention a line that I read recently (admittedly not in a romance) that sent my eyebrows burgeoning well past my hairline.
In The Emperor of All Maladies, a “biography” of cancer, Siddhartha Mukherjee writes: “With that seminal observation, the study of leukemias suddenly found clarity and spurted forward.”
I kid you not. I’m still reading it, but it’s with divided attention because I keep looking for more crap like that. O editor, where is thy pen?!
I kept a log of these from my days in ebook distribution. This was probably the worst:
Only mildly amusing, but then you get to the title: Monday Night Jihad.
Then there’s this one from Harlequin, back when they were trying to make Historical Christian Romance happen:
What makes a Christian superhero? His amazing power to turn the other cheek?
More Harlequin:
Actually that one’s pretty egregious. Marketing copy that’s trying to appeal to women (or, really, anyone) should never, ever contain the words “sexual assault.”
The best one isn’t actually romance at all, but something from Simon and Schuster’s pathetically toothless Christian imprint; a biography of some baseball player (I forget who) that went like this:
That’s a truly difficult life you had there, killer.
LOL@ “battle.” Bet it was more of a wrestling match. And just arm wrestling at that…
http://www.amazon.com/Monday-Night-Jihad-Covington-Thriller/dp/1414317301/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top#_
Hey, we’re not the only ones that found “Monday Night Jihad” ridiculous.
$9.59 for an ebook??? It sounds like they had trouble giving it away…
Spamword: service69. I’m not touching the double entendres there with a barge pole
This past Saturday, I purchased a bag of romance novels for $1 from the Friends of the Library book sale; so, upon reading your post, I just grabbed the bag and perused the back covers. While I encountered “wanton, white-hot desire,” “the dazzling dream that their destiny promised,” “feral at heart with glittering green and gold eyes” (not to mention amethyst eyes, emerald eyes, obsidian eyes, violet eyes, and masses upon masses of “flaming hair”), I have to say I did not encounter anything approaching the WTF-ery of “burgeoning purity.” It’s almost like “recovered virginity.”
I see a lot of overwrought language in cover blurbs. In fact, I think it’s a requirement for Harlequin Presents. It’s interesting to not the original (UK) title of the Annie West book depicted was Passion, Purity, and the Prince. The oxymoron is even in the title! I can’t top “burgeoning purity.” It makes me think of ripe fruit, and reminds me of “being plucked” as metaphor for losing one’s virginity that Judi Dench used as Queen Elizabeth in the movie Shakespeare in Love.
Oh my, in that case she probably has all sorts of burgeoning health problems.
tl;dr
Did you see the cover to Jaci’s Perfect Play? Seriously, I cannot focus on anything (else) when that cover is present.
I can’t beat “burgeoning purity” but I recently went looking for the first romance I read which was Bride of Danger by Katherine O’Neal and found the heroine described as such “her flame-haired beauty drawing all eyes, her innocent charm wresting from men the secrets of their souls”. As for her love well “she couldn’t resist surrendering to his searing passion.”.
I love Annie West,
she’s been a guest speaker at our writers’ group and she’s awesome value.
Plus, in Australia, “Presents” titles are packaged as “Sexy” , so Annie is a Sexy author!
OK, this isn’t quite as good as “burgeoning purity,” but it’s a riot all the same. From the back cover of Woodiwiss’s “The Flame and the Flower.” (hear it in your head in that voiceover guy’s voice)
In age of great turmoil, the breathtaking romance of Heather Simmons and Captain Brandon Birmingham spans oceans and continents! Their stormy saga reaches the limits of human passion as we follow Heather’s tumultuous journey from poverty…to her kidnapping at a squalid London dockside…to the splendor of Harthaven, the Carolina plantation where Brandon finally probes the depths of Heather’s full womanhood!
“probes the depths of her womanhood” Hee hee.
The back of Jayne Castle’s second book of the Ghost Hunter’s series actually turned me off so much that I have never bought her books retail since. Other people must have had issues as well because the newer releases have a different blurb.
Really? She’s being chased by murderers and might get killed but the most important thing in her life is getting a dress? I say thhpppppt to that! Thank god that’s not what the story actually emphasized.
Wow. Just…wow. Isn’t there a contest for purple prose that’s like the “It Was A Dark and Stormy Night” contest? Can’t remember the name.
BTW, it’s possible to have eyes with 2 different colors. I mean, in the same eye. It’s called central heterochromia, per Wikipedia. I know, ‘cause I have it – grayish blue eyes with hazel around the pupil, much like the picture on Wikipedia. However, my eyes do not, and never have, glittered.
Does that make me a mutant? And I wear contacts, too…hmm. I’m an impure mutant?
Susan,
It’s called the Bulwer–Lytton Fiction Contest, and the goal is to write the worst possible opening sentence of a novel, in honor of its namesake’s classic, “It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents, except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.”
There’s also an award that I think is given out yearly for worst sex scene in fiction – not written deliberately.
I’ve read Love’s Fiery Jewel. It was okay, a bit old-skooly for my tastes though. And the hero’s, like, twice her age, or something—but that didn’t bother me too much.
This post sent me scrambling to find a book I snagged a little while ago (I couldn’t find it), which had a somewhat unusual sentence—for a romance novel—on the back. All I remember is “…so when her lover insisted she undergo artificial insemination, she couldn’t refuse him.”
Then there’s this one from the back of McCrory’s Lady, which sent my friend into hysterics when I read it out loud: *dramatic voice* “But the sharp-tongued madam finally met her match in a rancher with the burr of a Scotsman and the body of a god.”
girls23… nope, I got nothing.
And, of course, I bought the book. How could I resist. It is now parked in my burgeoning e-library. You will be either happy or sad to know that the actual book is burgeonless.
@KatherineB “Strangely warmed…” I’m thinking inappropriate touching might be at work here or, given the high seas setting, some flogging along with the touching.
@Lynne Connolly In the world of Harlequins, “Live-in housekeeper” is a euphemism just waiting to happen.
@Laurel That’s what we all need, a Brita filter for bad behavior.
@EbonyMcKenna I hope to love Annie West too. She has a wonderful smile.
Oooh, there was a Presents – I think it was a bargain buy at eharlequin last month? – that recently made me scratch my head. I don’t trust my Internet to stay connected long enough to find out its actual title, but the back cover copy started out with something like:
Three years ago, they’d had a passionate affair.
Good start, good start… except it was followed by something like:
Their relationship had never been consummated.
…so how exactly did they have an affair? (Not that a relationship between two single adults would count as one in the first place, either.)
My favorite craptastic back cover is a Tom and Sharon Curtis book called Moonlight Mist.
I didn’t know pride could ache and a back cover should not be written in Yoda speak.
@Laurie …What the hell? Craptastic indeed.
I found another one:
The cover is …interesting, too. It’s apparently a Fabio.
I can’t remember the name of the book. It was recent, on Net Galley, took place in South America. There were Jaguar shifters and Eagle Shifters.
I was amused because the hero knew he would be walking around with a “raging hard-on for days.” Well there’s a young man not listening to the Cialis ads about that erection lasting four hours or more.
I scoffed, imperiously, at the burgeoning raging hard-on, unable to allow my virgin eyes to suffer its hard hardness.
The Book I mentioned above was “His Darkest Embrace” by Juliana Stone, 10-26-10 page 29: [quote]But he knew he would be walking around with a hard-on for days.
Okay, my mind inserted the raging. But, still – for days!
Oh my crap—I held it together until I got to Nadia’s comment:
[pounding desk with fist in a seizure of undignified amusement] Dude, if that’s how they describe the couple’s union on the back cover, imagine how purple the actual love scene must read! Plus nothing gets my motor running like a man offering to probe my womanly depths.
Now, I would judge that contest!
Wow. Really? I think one of the reasons people don’t take series romances like Harlequin seriously is because of the titles! I see anything like “royal,” “sheik,” “secret baby” etc and I don’t even bother to pick it up.
These are great. Keep em coming. I’m laughing myself silly!
while I can’t top “burgeoning purity”, this struck me as particularly hilarious for some reason:
“She’s working at that tacky, third-rate museum, Shrimpton’s House of Ancient Horrors”
I’m picturing a museum dedicated to the most outrageous of the mid-sixties Carnaby Street fashions, as worn by that iconic model, Jean Shrimpton.
I don’t remember the title or author, but I once put down a romance because the hero was a “cat-racer”
Ung….huh? Interesting.
SJean
If I remember correctly, Catherine Coulter’s ‘Sherbrooke’ series (and the other related books) have a whole side story with the cat races. Oh damn, let me grab a book!
(From Lyon’s Gate)
“The noon sun was bright overhead, and James’s brindle racing cat was tearing across the lawn…”
Maybe I’m a weirdo, but I love those cat races!
I was actually thinking about buying that book until I read the description on the back… the “burgeoning purity” thing had me saying, “Oh… no way!”
I don’t know why Harlequin still finds it necessary to use such strange, outdated, and even ridiculous expressions. Don’t even get me STARTED on the titles they use on their series lines either… especially in the Presents series. While I can occasionally still find one that interests me… there’s no way I would carry around a book with the ludicrous titles they come up with for most of those!
Come on, Harlequin!
You mean you don’t want to read “The Playboy Sheik’s Secret Texan Royal Cowboy Bride?”