Far be it from me to EVER say that romances are all about sex, and that we read them for the sex scenes. I definitely don’t. Sometimes the sex scenes are so redundant I skip them. But sometimes the writing is so different, so utterly unlike anything you’ve read before, you, ok, *I* am curious how the sex would be described, especially if the main characters have big poufs and hornyhotpants.
Such is the case with Snooki’s book, A Shore Thing, which I live-blogged this week. There’s incredibly bizarre descriptions of farting, wardrobe, shoes, poogasms, pouf construction, gentlemen referred to as “juiceheads” “gorillas” and “guidos” and what physical characteristics manifest themselves to form a fine specimen thereof, and even this timeless bit of prose: “They were hiddled together like a family of Ellis Island immigrants just off the Mayflower.”
So how can there NOT be a sex scene when the noble heroines, Gia and Bella, finally hook up with the gorillas of their dreams?! I and all the people reading with me were looking forward to the possibilities of what words, phrases or alliteratertive wonderment Snooki and her ghostwriter, Valerie Frankel, would use to describe The Deed. But no, it was fade to black, next scene with naked sweaty people. There’s one mention of a nipple. What is this, Sweet Valley High with poufs?
Thankfully, Laurel suggested on Twitter that it might be a good idea to fill in the blank (ha) with the Write the Missing Sex Scene contest. Oh, Laurel is SO RIGHT. Here’s the deal:
You write a sex scene for Snooki’s book of 200 words or less and whichever one best captures the tone and utterly WTFtastic style of the book wins. You can write first base all the way to a home run, but keep to the word limit, please.
What do you win? $25 gift certificate to the bookstore of your choice, and a copy of A Shore Thing, of course! One runner up will also receive a copy of the Snookibook.
Please email your entry to sarahATsmartbitchestrashybooksDOTcom with “Snooki Snex” in the subject line, and I’ll post the entries for discussion and voting. If, however, there are too many entries for me to post, I will select the finalists and post them. Who knows, Snooki Snex could inspire Snookalicious commentary.
Standard disclaimers apply. I’m not being compensated for this contest, except to experience Snooki-style prose all over again. Aqua-net is not included. Always wear sunscreen. Shirt and shoes required for service. Pants optional.
You have until 8am EST tomorrow, 8 January 2011 to send in your entries, so get on it.
I thought about entering, then I saw what the prizes were.
Please tell me we will be able to read the entries!! I’m game for a lol
I read “post the entries for discussion and vomiting.” I suppose if that happens, you’re doing it right?
I just want to write an entry to see how many pasta-to-body-parts metaphors I can make.
Here’s mine. I got us there but couldn’t quite get to orgasm, considering the word count. I’m a chick, I need foreplay:
“This is my room, baby,” Tony said proudly as he held the door for her. He was super classy. “Like it?”
Wow. Gia would shit herself. Animal print everywhere. The crochet bedspread had a leopard print pattern. And it didn’t even smell like Axe in here. More like…Drakkar Noir.
“It musta taken your grandmother forever to make that bedspread.”
Tony closed the door.
“Nah. I did it. I used finger weight yarn, merino/silk blend, and designed the pattern myself. If feels so good on your skin. Go on. Try it.”
She’d promised herself a hookup and dammit, it was time to follow through.
“Okay.” Bella stripped and moved to the bed. It wasn’t scratchy or anything.
“I love how your boobs stay just right even lying down.” Tony took off his shirt. His eight pack reminded her of the underside of a lobster. She wondered if it would be good covered in melted butter. He unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them off, revealing a gorgeous package stretching his shiny black banana hammock. When that came off, he was totally bald.
“I want you to suck my bald eagle, baby. Then we’ll get the wax and I’ll do yours.“
@ Laurel
In Guido (or Guidette) speak:
That was fan ‘freakin’ tastic!!! Best.Paragraph.Evah:
Oh, the horror! It continues!
OK, Laurel wins. Nothing will ever top the animal print crochet.
Glad y’all are amused…I got all excited (read: hot and bothered over a make-up wearing man who crochets) and did not follow instructions. 🙁
“They were hiddled together like a family of Ellis Island immigrants just off the Mayflower.”
Oh. Oh my God. I—I’m a genealogy librarian, guys. And a former English teacher. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
But Laurel, that was awesome. You’ve set the bar . . . well, you’ve set the bar.
Awesome job Laurel! The competition has a lot to measure up to.
Yep, Laurel did good. But remember, these writers are the Bitches. Someone might do better.
Please don’t tell me what a juicehead is. Please.
As for gorillas, I personally draw the line at the species boundary. I’m not sure I want to read about those who don’t.
Haven’t never saw TJS and not wanting to win Snooki’s book, all I can enter is this –
He didn’t even take off his pants. Two quick pumps and he was done. Then they laid back and ate pickles the rest of the night.
Ok, this killed me!
I thought you were going to say ‘second prize gets two copies of Snooki’s book’, bwahahahah
I am in Australia so thankfully I have missed the whole Jersey Shore thing, and Snooki. But I can imagine. At one point I saw a Venn Diagram (sp?) showing someone two bubbles – one with people who watch TJS and another of people who read and the edges of the two bubbles weren’t even touching.
*runs away weeping*
Jamisings, you just described my wedding night.
leaders87: actually it was in ‘88.
Much as I’d like a gift certificate, I’d have to read some of Snooki’s words to try and copy her style. And I’m actively trying to remain as Snooki-free as humanly possible.
I agree with Jim – I won’t read the book to learn Snooki’s style, but I still think Laurel f’in NAILS it. That was awesome…
Also: Having never watched a second of Jersey Shore (I don’t watch reality TV)…I still have a soft spot for Snooki. I like rednecks, and every region, every country, has their own…
“They were hiddled together like a family of Ellis Island immigrants just off the Mayflower.”
…my soul just died a little.
Ok, I have some fantastic entries, you guys. Get ready for serious awesomesauce.
She caressed his biceps with one hand, running the other through his shiny hair. Then she ran her now slick hand down his hardon.
OMG! HAahhaha!