So thanks to many people on Twitter and in my email inbox who helped me with my lost cover image of blue flames from naked man ass. It’s honestly surprising that I would misplace such an epic piece of WTFery. But you know what’s even more surprising? How many flames emerge from various asses on book covers! There are a lot of combustible backsides in romance cover land, y’all. I’m not sure what that says about us, other than we like Hot Ass.
There’s regular flame:
And blue smoke:
Blue and green smoke in the front, but not the back:
And swirly gas that’s sort of greenish (I think when you can see your own farts, it’s time to see a doctor):
But alas, none of these were the blue flaming naked man ass that I was looking for. It was blue! It was flaming! And it was most definitely naked man ass. Then, thanks to @quellthesparkle and @lauren_fraser, I have FOUND the cover now permanently known in my brain as The Last Airbiscuit. You ready?
Feast your eyes on this!
There are blue flames shooting out of a naked man ass! I am so glad my memory didn’t do me wrong, though my eyeballs are really quite put out with me. So, what is there left to do but have a contest!
It’s time for Caption That Cover! In the comments, leave your best caption for the Blue Flames of Naked Man Ass (aka The Last Airbiscuit) and I’ll pick the winner. Winner will get $25 gift credit at the book store of her choice, and, of course, the people’s ovation and fame forever.
Comments will close in 24 hours. You’re welcome to pimp your favorite in the comments and yes, you can enter the contest more than once. What, with blue flaming ass gas, I would limit you to one entry per person? Puh-leez. Standard disclaimers apply: I am not being compensated for this giveaway. Rode hard, put away wet. If there was a problem, yo, I solved it – or Twitter did. Contest open to international entries. Void where prohibited by law. Void where inhibited by raw.
Have at it – and thank you to everyone who pitched in to help me find the flaming blue naked man ass. You have my eternal flaming gratitude.
Aeyron, king of the blue dragon clan, knew that his only hope of producing offspring was to mate outside his own species. The inability to control his flames from escaping every time he became aroused in human form put a real kink in his plans. Until he met Wendy, a pyromaniac werewolf with a love of all things blue.
Blue Angels (Book 1 in the Crepitation Annals)
Synopsis: Bruce Boombum, Alpha of the Blue Angel Pack, searches for his mate. Whifney Windemere, daughter of Bruce’s most silent, but deadly foe, alone ignites his mystical blue fires. Between them rages an inferno of desire fed by dangerous flatulence.
(aside, this is inspired by an old Dr. Demento broadcast: http://randsesotericotr.podbean.com/2008/05/14/the-great-crepitation-contest-of-1946/)
“Splendor in the gas.”
“Splendor in the gas.”
of should that be
“Splendor in the ass.”
This does give new meaning to the term “alphole,” doesn’t it?
Sorry, last one….
Whitney, My Love
Damn autocorrect! Whiffney, My Love
“The BlueBell Flame curse doomed Lucius to be a lone wolf…until his voluptuous human mate smothered his buns with love.”
You know the classic “Werewolves of London” song?
In my youth, I thought he was singing “Werewolf Thunder.”
My mistaken song title fits this much, much better. But you have to sing it..
ba bum, ba bum, werewolf thunder, ba bum, ba bum, ahhoooooooooooooo
my attempts…
man: *admiring himself* “Damn I’m hot”
wolf: *sniggers* “Yeah, so hot your @$$ is on fire”
man: “ooh I like that ‘I’m so hot my @$$ on fire!’…wait are you trying to hit on me cos you know I err don’t really swing that way…”
wolf: *rolls eyes* “No Dude, your @$$ IS on fire. Disturbingly so. You may want to do something about it.”
man: “My wha…” *slowly turns around, eyes grows bigger, then after the initial shock wears off…* “Sweet…I’m so hot my @$$ IS on fire”
wolf: *gives up and exits stage left*
OR
Wolf: “Kids, remember – this is why you should wait until you are 30 before choosing your personal super power”
OR
He had never understood the phrase “a burning love”, until now. The passion, ignited deep within him, could no longer be contained. It exploded from his hot lil @ss, releasing an all consuming blue flame that made him burn – burn for love.
Unfortunately, I have nothing amusing to add, but I’m reminded of an exchange from the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 episode “The Final Sacrifice”; the bad guy gets shot in the ass and bursts into flame, which prompts the robots to ruminate on whether or not this reaction is true of all humans who get shot in the butt.
Based on these covers, I would say it is.
And he finally understood why he always got stuck being the caboose when playing train as a child.
1. It had been a perfectly good caribou, the wolf reflected—but there was no way he’d touch it now, after the human’s horribly misguided attempt to roast the animal.
2. “Patience, children. Sgt. Whiplash cannot possibly melt the layer of ice surrounding his feet with these feeble blue flames; we can eat as soon as he exhausts his reserves.”
3. The photographer sighed. “When I said I wanted to re-enact ‘The Cremation of Sam McGee’, this was NOT what I had in mind.”
4. “The Northern lights have seen queer sights,
But the queerest they ever did see,
Was the night in the pond by Camp DuMond
Joe Fraser defrosted me.”
Blue Smoke or Fruit Basket- your choice!
Ring of Fire
Where There’s Smoke- There’s Slowly Decomposing Smurfs In My Digestive Tract.
The Flame And The Shower
Business in the front; Farting out my rear
Passion’s Wind
“Well, it’s working and I know I’m supposed to go to the doctor if it lasts for more than four hours, but I don’t remember the commercials ever mentioning anything like this as a side effect…is it sexy at least?”
Wolf: Its arson. Arrest him. Please.
WOLF: Flaming blue farts indicate Love-ma-own-junk-itis. This is a serious disease which affects 1 in 3 naked men in the woods during winter. Seek medical attention immediately.
Oh Wolfie… I just gotta sing it!
“I’m going back someday, gonna stay Blew by you”
[with so many apologies to Roy Orbison!]
1. York Peppermint Patties really do give you that cooling sensation all day!
2. So if I turn my left leg out a little…..ahhhhh……release the methane…
3. Wolf: I thought the idea of ice fishing sounded crazy. I had no idea this was how humans melted ice.
Revenge of the Blue Burrito
The Morning after Blue Curacao
Blue Ball…em…arsed
Real Alpholes let it out.
Burn After Reading.
Turn Around Bright Ass.
Wow, it’s just the opposite of “Fucking her ass. Saving her life,” isn’t it? “Plug his ass, save my life,” the wolf is silently begging.
So damn funny. I am laughing so much it hurts.
When anal bleaching goes wrong
Wolf: “And humans think wolves are gross for regurgitating food to feed our pups?”
Might as well make a profit while I can. Mineral right are for sale. Barnett Shale has nothing on me!
Wizard Kinnar knew something had gone seriously wrong with his sky-clad ritual when his ass gas froze blue.
He so Blue Smokin’ Hot that no girls will no know whether they are coming or being burned into a crisp!
There is nothing cold about this encounter…
Would the flames of his lunch keep them forever apart??
Men Are From Arse, Women Are From Venus
GI Blues (AKA Gastrointestinal Tract Blues)
Unashamedly borrowing from “South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut”: ASSES OF FIRE.
Apparently the underpants gnomes have had many successful raids. Because I see no underpants. Anywhere.
The passion begins with the fire below.
“I feel a slight burn coming from my rear”.
The Best GAss is Natural
No.1 – someone else knew about Sam McGee besides my dad. Amazing.
No.2 I’m in tears after reading this display of comet wit – with long tail flaming…
No. 3 – entry: “Blue Angel’s The Afterburn”
Flames shoot high, Flames shoot high, Flames shoot high…
Propane
I have nothing new to add, but want to put in a big vote for the “Aurora Boreal-Ass” entry. That’s downright perfect and will make me laugh all day, every time I think of it.
EXTREME Jock Itch; for the man who wants to be EXTREME in every aspect of his life.
He knew when he went to Alpha Centauri the chicks would be different, but he didn’t expect this kind of thing would happen as a result of cunnilinus with a Na’vi.