What Not to Write: Snack Food Edition

Book CoverOh, it’s a beautiful thing when food imagery is used in sex scenes. It’s all 9 1/2 Weeks spliced together with Iron Chef – wouldn’t that be the very best in a sensual interlude? Unless we’re talking snack foods, as Kathleen discovered:

Thank you for pointing out the Books on the Knob website. I have had a lot of fun downloading the free ebooks. One of these was The Bite Before Christmas by Heidi Betts. In the story “All I Vant For Christmas”, I read something that belongs in the “The What Not to Write” category.

Sex linked with food is heavy in this story (vampire hero thinks the heroine smells like peaches and cinnamon, sex talk with steak and ice cream sundaes mentioned, etc.), but this one … well….

  Not that he was worried about her level of readiness. Her nipples were pointy little diamonds in the centers of her full, luscious
  breasts, her breaths were coming in tiny shallow pants, and he could feel the dampness between her legs just from where they pressed
  together like Twinkies inside their cellophane wrapper.

I found myself trying to find reason in this statement. OK, Twinkies are filled with cream. That would be a positive for a man. And
then logic broke down. What woman would want their thighs compared to two Twinkies that are still wrapped in cellophane!!!

Perplexed and not hungry,
Kathleen

Oh, Google:Books, your hips and your Twinkies, they do not lie.

Hmmm. You think that dude on the cover there thinks about Twinkies every now and again? Or it not part of his diet?

But most importantly: time for a pop quiz!  If your significant other compared your thighs to Twinkies, what would be your response?

 

Comments are Closed

  1. Tara Maya says:

    Just wait till he whips out his vienna sausage.

  2. Christine says:

    Pink’s song “just you and your hand tonight” comes to mind for my man if my thighs were ever compared to Twinkies.

    Heather – he does look like Sean Astin (Samwise)! LOL

  3. Sharon says:

    Somewhere in here there’s room for the ol’ Twinkies-are-lembas comparison, but I’m tired and just got back from root canal work, so I’m not up to it…:-(

  4. Suze says:

    BWAHAHAHAHAHA!  Gasp, choke, wheeze.  How on EARTH did that get past her better sense, her beta readers, her editor?  Good lord.

  5. sweetsiouxsie says:

    My husband compares me to a pelican. I don’t know why. Both of us love twinkies so I would be okay with that comparison too.

  6. Cally Beck says:

    There comes a point when authors should just be banned from using similes altogether.

  7. Pam says:

    “That’s enough Weight Watchers for you, bub!”
    or maybe,
    “I’ve heard of the Twinkie defense, but that’s a Twinkie offense.”

  8. RebeccaJ says:

    Ok, the whole cellophane wrapper bit reminds me of those sauna pants women use to wear to sweat off the weight on their thighs….not all that romantic, thanks.

  9. Liz says:

    I’ve got it.  He’s working on his twinkie defense.  He plans to kill her late

    lmao.  we were talking about the Twinkie Defense in my law and psych class tonight.  when he brought that up, i had to stop myself from laughing, and having to explain this to my entire class.

  10. JamiSings says:

    @Jane – Thanks.

    I just have to keep in mind – step-great-grandma used to beat the crap out of my grandma & her siblings, so grandma beat the crap out of my mom & her siblings. Then mom’s first husband used to get drunk & beat the crap out of her. Mom restrains herself from using fists (though she has in the past) but gets verbal stings in. I think she doesn’t even realize she’s doing it because when I bother to defend myself, she accuses me of being verbally abusive.

    I still don’t think the Twinkie thing is so bad. I just keep thinking “Vampires can’t eat, so they’ve got to have food obsession.”

    I read a really weird book awhile ago called Fat White Vampire Blues – about an overweight vampire. He was always feeding his victims beforehand so he could taste the food in their blood. Then started to worry he had diabetes.

  11. Virg G says:

    I read that Twinkie part and had to read it over and over just to check if I read it correctly. My first thought was, “Hmmm, I wonder what SB Sarah would say to that?”

  12. quichepup says:

    Thanks for starting my morning off with a laugh. I could see comparing her breasts to twinkies, if they were a little droopy and she had an fake tan but that wouldn’t help much in setting the mood.

    The next paragraph also made me snicker (sorry, but you DID mention twinkies) when his penis thinks about her moist (cheese?) curls.

  13. MissFifi says:

    Why is it that a quick glance of the cover made me think Chevy Chase was promoting an 80’s film he did that went straight to video???

  14. Sharon S. says:

    mmhhhf. Sorry, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit….

  15. Tonya says:

    I’m sorry, but Sean Astin looks so much better than the cover guy.  That vampire with a twinkie fetish looks like a an 80s soap opera actor!

  16. Silverflame says:

    My initial thought:
    “F*** you very much.”

  17. Shannon says:

    I’d say “excuse me you want to repeat that bearing in mind that you won’t be eating any twinkles for a long time”

  18. Philippa says:

    My responses to my fella:-

    1. WHAT?!!?

    2. Erm, what are Twinkies? [We don’t have them in Britain]

    3. Well, look at that sweet little Tootsie Roll of yours!

  19. karen says:

    Oh, it’s taken me two days to process this one.

    I would hope that there’s not one part of my body that would feel like a twinkie – soft, squishy and oily.  With the additional possibility of stuff oozing out.  Ew.

    So, I’d probably smack the dude.  Then get over it; sex is sex and even bad sex is good.

    On another note:  this is once over that should have hid the model’s face.  He’s definitely a “Butter”.

  20. Ellielu says:

    I keep getting distressed every time I look at this Santa. At first I thought it was just the cheesiness of it. And now I realize that those eyebrows remind me of Rod Blagojevich. As an ex-pat Illinoisan, the thought of him dressed up as a “hot Santa” is particularly distressing….

  21. My advice to this author: Eat, then write. Not the other way around.

  22. This book contains three novellas about vampires and Christmas. Frankly, I wouldn’t have guessed the two could be combined in any form worth reading but Betts has done it. This is not a literary masterpiece but it is a fun, very sexy (yes, erotic)read. If you are looking for something vampire light with a holiday feel then this one is for you.

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