What Not to Write: Snack Food Edition

Book CoverOh, it’s a beautiful thing when food imagery is used in sex scenes. It’s all 9 1/2 Weeks spliced together with Iron Chef – wouldn’t that be the very best in a sensual interlude? Unless we’re talking snack foods, as Kathleen discovered:

Thank you for pointing out the Books on the Knob website. I have had a lot of fun downloading the free ebooks. One of these was The Bite Before Christmas by Heidi Betts. In the story “All I Vant For Christmas”, I read something that belongs in the “The What Not to Write” category.

Sex linked with food is heavy in this story (vampire hero thinks the heroine smells like peaches and cinnamon, sex talk with steak and ice cream sundaes mentioned, etc.), but this one … well….

  Not that he was worried about her level of readiness. Her nipples were pointy little diamonds in the centers of her full, luscious
  breasts, her breaths were coming in tiny shallow pants, and he could feel the dampness between her legs just from where they pressed
  together like Twinkies inside their cellophane wrapper.

I found myself trying to find reason in this statement. OK, Twinkies are filled with cream. That would be a positive for a man. And
then logic broke down. What woman would want their thighs compared to two Twinkies that are still wrapped in cellophane!!!

Perplexed and not hungry,
Kathleen

Oh, Google:Books, your hips and your Twinkies, they do not lie.

Hmmm. You think that dude on the cover there thinks about Twinkies every now and again? Or it not part of his diet?

But most importantly: time for a pop quiz!  If your significant other compared your thighs to Twinkies, what would be your response?

 

Comments are Closed

  1. 1

    Lucky for you, I like Ding Dongs, babe.

  2. 2
    Jan says:

    Mmmm. I read it as if they meant that the hero and heroine were lying as close together as twinkies, but I could be wrong.

    But if I’m right I’m totally ok with it, because I think I prefer Twinkies over sardines, which are also very close together, but don’t smell as nice.

  3. 3
    Ben P says:

    Wife comparing my thighs to tinkies would result in something along the lines of mutually assured destruction.

    That would trigger the deadly breasts = marshmallows comparison.

    Not being one to beat around the bush (sorry) my dearest wife would aim below the belt and begin saying unfavourable things about parts of my anatomy best left unmentioned.

    You get the picture. All downhill from twinky-talk.

    In contrast, me leaving the kitchen bearing the delecate scent of freshly fried steak elicits many favourable comments and hopeful affection from the most hungry woman…

  4. 4
    Miranda says:

    The guy on the cover looks like he’s trying to sell a used sleigh. You can fly it right off the lot!

  5. 5
    Mireya says:

    I have read a couple of scenes along the lines of what you describe.  Every time it completely threw me, and sadly, it also affected my overall enjoyment of the story.  In one of them, which I was truly enjoying (a paranormal erotic romance), there was something having to do with eating Oreos or something about Oreos.  The book was not a comedy and involved a brooding werewolf hero and I believe, a huntress of some sort.  It was getting pretty intense and I was enjoying it immensely… then the Oreos thing came out of left field.  I had to put the book aside at that time, and when I continued reading it, I started skipping every single sex scene in the book because, well, I was worried that I’d read something similar in other scenes.  Honestly, I was truly liking the book and it was promising the sort of intensity that I used to like in the erotic romances I chose for reading… until the Oreos came rolling and I started looking for the glass of milk…

    I can’t remember the exact title but definitely do remember the author’s name.  Not going to mention it here, it was several years ago and I don’t even like reading erotic romance any longer.  But talk about killing the mood, man.  I am sure other readers probably didn’t see any problem with that small thing, but to me, it was a deal breaker.

  6. 6
    KatherineB says:

    If the husband compared my legs to Twinkies, I think I’d first look behind, to see if it were some other woman he was insulting. And after I’d verified it WAS me he was speaking to, I’d want to know, in what way my legs are like Twinkies.
    Golden yellow? Okay…can take that.
    Plump full of fluffy preservatives? Ho hum.
    Spongey and easily dimpled, leaving finger impressions when squeezed? ? Err…
    With sell-by date in the 2020’s? Awright, time to drop some gloves!
    If we hadn’t topped each other with heinous comparisons first, and fallen about laughing!

    That is truly a hilarious comparison.
    In fact, if we are going to compare my legs to confectionary, or baked products, I’d rather it be something I like…Twizzlers, Strawberry Pocky, cinnamon donut twists, or the peculiar Basset’s Allsorts that have licorice around some white sweet stuff. Yumm.

  7. 7
    Sarah W says:

    Unfortuantely, in my experience, the cream-filled Twinkie part isn’t outside the realm of male (and some female) associations—-but what the heck is the cellophane all about?

    I might not want my thighs compared to stubby, yellow, oval objects, but please don’t put them in a shiny, crinkling, loose bag—-with or without the cardboard backing.

  8. 8
    Bella M. says:

    Well, at least he didn’t say they were deep fried and greasy. But twinkies, I keep thinking about my kids CandyLand game and the characters with their stubbly little legs.

  9. 9
    Terry Odell says:

    Oh, I think he’d be down in the basement right quick. Admittedly, my thighs are genetically pre-disposed to um… well, put it this way. Once when my girls were about six, they called me in to watch a tv commercial, saying “Mommy this would be good for you because you have chubby thighs.”

    One of them got payback, though because, as she noted when she got older, “Mom, I have your thighs.”

    Terry
    Terry’s Place
    Romance with a Twist—of Mystery

  10. 10
    Jazzlet says:

    I’ve never been entirely sure what Twinkies are, beyond rather unappealing sounding confectionary, don’t think we have that particular nasty over here.

    As for comparisons, well it does depend on the man and his likes, mine has compared me to Lauren Bacall. Even if you glammed me up and shot soft focus I know I do not look anything like Lauren Bacall … except apparently in the nostril department and those are identically beautiful according to the man. The man also has a thing for buses going way back to when he was very young, not all buses you understand, but the buses of his childhood and youth in particular. Which is how he managed to get away with comparing my backside to that of his favourite bus model, anyone else and the nuclear option would have been in order, but I know he loves that bus.

  11. 11
    lizw65 says:

    Well, Twinkies ARE hips in the larval stage; however, I think most food analogies are best left out of sex scenes.  It just gives the impression that the author was really hungry when (s)he wrote a particular passage. 

    A line from a previous year’s winner of the Bad Sex In Fiction Awards comes to mind…something about a “pipe wrench in a crock of warm chili” that brings to mind an image I don’t even want to think about.

  12. 12
    Heather says:

    Actually I think the guy on the cover looks like Samwise Gamgee … with a six-pack!

    So no wonder he’s all comparing thighs to twinkies – he’s a hobbit and just thinking about second breakfast or elevensies.

  13. 13

    I don’t know…Twinkies seem so obviously associated with another body part that using them as a simile for thighs reads like “her neck was like a long, firm kielbasa sausage” or “As he looked at the thick tower thrusting impudently toward the sky, Lars was reminded of Jenna’s legs.”

    True story: when I was a lass of 16 (and able to eat Twinkies on a regular basis without any ill effects) my mother used to regularly pack the sugary treat in my lunch box. When I took the Twinkie out and ate it—slowly, with appreciation—all the boys at my cafeteria table stopped talking and watched me. I was so innocent I didn’t realize until much later why this act was such a conversation-killer.

  14. 14

    I don’t know…Twinkies seem so obviously associated with another body part that using them as a simile for thighs reads like “her neck was like a long, firm kielbasa sausage” or “As he looked at the thick tower thrusting impudently toward the sky, Lars was reminded of Jenna’s legs.”

    True story: when I was a lass of 16 (and able to eat Twinkies on a regular basis without any ill effects) my mother used to regularly pack the sugary treat in my lunch box. When I took the Twinkie out and ate it—slowly, with appreciation—all the boys at my cafeteria table stopped talking and watched me. I was so innocent I didn’t realize until much later why this act was such a conversation-killer.

    proof word: together66.  You cannot convince me these are randomly generated.

  15. 15
    Jessica D says:

    My response would be more or less this: o_O

  16. 16

    Twinkies just aren’t a sexy food. I mean sure, any food has the potential to be sexy, I guess, depending on how it’s used. But when I think of Twinkies I just don’t think decadent sensuality…I think of cheap short-term fulfillment I’m gonna regret later. Not a good association for sexytimes.

    And the cellophane is just bizarre.

  17. 17
    Wallie says:

    With the understanding that my husband loves to eat Twinkies … and most especially loves to swirl his tongue deeper and deeper into the soft, cream-filled center …

    … I’d have no problem with the comparison.  Not.  At.  All.

  18. 18

    Sadly enough, my husband has never tried a Twinkie in his life.

    I do understand the appeal if you have a food fetish, but the whole thigh/Twinkie combo would have never come to my mind. Eek.

  19. 19
    Amy says:

    Too much for your little cocktail weiner?

  20. 20
    elph says:

    Thanks for that link to Books on the Knob. I’m kind of torn on the Twinkie metaphor. On the one hand, it is a truth universally acknowledged that most men find Twinkies irresistible. On the other hand, isn’t this dude a vampire? So, he’s a Twinkie loving vampire? That’s a take I haven’t seen before. I might have to check the book out just for that.

    The Google Books reveal pointed up something else that bugs me when I come across it, though: The Twitching Penis. I know it happens sometimes, I’ve seen it, but that description is getting rote and it seems like there are so many twitchers out there now that maybe the heroes need some prozac for their penises (penii?)

  21. 21
    Liz says:

    to me, twinkies signify a woman of no substance—probably because of the Friends “Twinkie in the City” thing.  Plus, this is what my mom calls the women that work in her office, so I would be exceedingly annoyed if someone told me any part of me looked like a Twinkie.

  22. 22
    Tina C. says:

    My husband has been known to come up with some doozies that he really does mean with the very best of intentions.  Because I know from both actions and words that he really does think I’m sexy and hot, I can laugh over such gems as, “You are a bountiful feast of a woman and I am a lucky man!”  (After thanking him, I did gently point out that no woman wants to be a bountiful anything, really, even if it’s true.)  That said, even my smooth-talker would know better than to compare my anything to Twinkies wrapped in cellophane.  Twinkies are long, golden, and without much substance.  Not one bit of that would apply to me or my thighs.  As for the part about the cellophane—huh??  Are you saying my skin is wrinkly, crinkly, and/or shiny?  I don’t get it.

  23. 23
    jennifer says:

    At least the author did not pursue the snack cake/sex metaphor further with any Hostess Sno Balls imagery.

  24. 24
    Sara says:

    Wait.  On the cover there – “It’s beginning to look a lot like vampires”?  Are vampires a holiday?  Hang the vampire stockings and prepare the blood pudding kids – Vampire is just around the corner!

    Or what, they’re a weather system?  “We have a low pressure system moving in – looks like vampires starting at around noon tomorrow.”  “Better get to the storm shelter honey – Vampire Ben is making landfall in less than an hour.”

  25. 25
    DS says:

    I’ve got it.  He’s working on his twinkie defense.  He plans to kill her later. 

    years37—flatterer, it’s years55

  26. 26
    Jo O says:

    Several years ago, a friend and I were discussing why people felt the need to call someone ‘chubby’, because everyone knew it meant fat so it was just as insulting. A male friend, who was eavesdropping and got the wrong end of the stick, told my friend not to worry, that she wasn’t chubby just meaty! He honestly didn’t understand why I collapsed laughing and she nearly threw her drink over him.

  27. 27
    Laurie K says:

    Response:
    WTF! Really?

  28. 28
    Erin T. says:

    “Bless your heart, you sweet little tub of Chubby Hubby.”

    And then I would kick him out of bed.  I can think of few foods less sexy than snack cakes.

  29. 29
    Maisey says:

    Twinkies are ageless, they never expire, they conjure up many sinful thoughts and illicit fantasies (at least when I’m dieting) they’re always comforting and dare I say…a little bit sexy? So…I say…WIN!!!

  30. 30
    Millie says:

    My response: Eat me!

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