Alert Reader N. answered the call for any examples of What Not To Write with an email message that made my jaw drop. As part of a regular feature here at the Hot Pink Palace of Bitchery (where the drinks are free and the man titty shelters us from the harsh rays of the sun), we’re taking a look at descriptions, both sexual and non-sexual that yanked us out of the storyline.
Some of these examples, such as the comparison of a woman’s hey-nanner-nanner to a horse’s mouth, evoked some irritated responses that the passage in question (the words, not the ACTUAL passage) didn’t bother them. And of course, any sex scene taken out of context is ridiculous, as AgTigress pointed out. It’s true.
But every now and again, readers encounter some examples of description that cause a double-take.
Which is why N’s example was so marvelous.
I humbly submit for your consideration Susan Johnson’s short story “A School for Scandal” in the anthology Perfect Kisses, in which the hero wonders if he is being overly vigorous:
“He wasn’t worried for himself – his penis was calloused from hard use. Her vaginal tissue on the other hand might be more fragile.”
I know. You don’t believe me. But here it is.
Oh, no. Calloused?! REALLY?! To quote Hubby, what was he doing, humping some sandpaper? If it is used so much it develops callouses, I think it might need to be retired.
What does a calloused wang LOOK like anyway? And would a man use one of those flat razors on it to make the callouses go away? YEESH.
Even if Johnson’s hero was being sarcastic, there’s no way I’m getting that image out of my head (ha ha) any time soon. Sweet holy crap.
Feel free to send over any What Not To Write examples to sarahATsmartbitchestrashybooksDOTcom. Horses with callouses, though, I think we’ve got that covered. (*shudder*)
That’s not the only part of that scene that bothered me. I hate the mention of “vaginal tissues” in a LOVE scene. It’s just too clinical.
And of course she had the greatest hoo-ha on the planet!
Sometimes I think authors try to out-do themselves with their love scenes. The next one has to be even more descriptive and outrageous than the last. Do they ever go back and re-read these scenes objectively from a readers standpoint? And what was her editor thinking?
I’m reading “Unbridled” by Beth Williamson right now and her heroines nipples “pop” when she gets aroused. Um…no. Tightened, puckered…okay. Popped..ouch!
@jeannie: her nipples “popped?”
Anyone else thinking of those timers on turkeys that pop out when the turkey is (over) done?
Now I’ve stopped laughing, what a brilliant name for a cocktail! ” Calloused Cock” anyone ? Off to experiment –
Thanks, quizzabella, for mentioning one of the many “what not to write” examples from Lisa Valdez. I actually SKIPPED the sex in “Patience” and “Passion”. For books with such well written characters I could not believe how awful the sexxoring could be. No third strikes for me. I won’t be fooled again. Can’t think of another cliche….
@SB Sarah
Or the Austin Powers Fembots…a man might want to be careful around those popping nipples…
So what is worse…calloused penises or love scenes with too may ellipses? (I’m thinking Stephanie Laurens land here).
Such a tough call.
Still LMAO over this entry, though!
I shit you not. “Popped”. I shuddered when I read it. *grin*
Don’t get me wrong, the book is good. I just roll my eyes and keep reading. There was another – “His dick slapped his zipper.” Wha? 1) Does his penis have hands too? and 2) is there that much room in his pants for it to jump that far?
Sadly, I like my lady-porn even if it does make me giggle sometimes.
@Jeannie
Speaking of clinical, it throws me off when a sex scene throws in “cervix” or “uterus.” Unless the hero is a very literal-minded professor or something along those lines, no thanks.
Yes, indeed, Ally. Not to mention that…well, generally speaking, my OBGYN has a lot more contact with my uterus (and, to some extent, my cervix) than my sexual partners do—which means that those words call up some not-so-pleasant memories. Eeesh.
@SB Sarah: I was thinking of the little plastic bubble in Yahtzee, myself.
Callused? If that’s what he told you it was, he was lying to you, girlfriend! Let me guess, did he also tell you he has a latex allergy?
I’m thinking mr. callus has a contagious rash.
I don’t mind clinical terms, I’d rather read them then cuss words or “velvet love tunnel” type things. Nothing turns me off more then the words cock and cunt.
But if I wasn’t already celibate, this scene would make me so! “Ever so grateful,” “phallic perfection” – just gag me. The entire scene is a total turn off for me.
ummm… I think he just might have a case of genital warts!
If I could get past his penis that’s like a Kenyan marathoner’s feet, it’s the author’s over-zealous and incorrect use of commas would take me out of the story.
Wouldn’t a potato peeler be more helpful than a tender (as my mother would say) twat??
Medically speaking, it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to get a callus on your (well, your boyfriend’s) penis. Even if used frequently. Seriously, get thee to a physician now. And there are non-latex condoms – a google search brings up thousands of places to buy them.
I read a little farther and really, the whole page is a little bizarre. How can you be “dripping wet” and “a gift-from-heaven tight”? I supposed she’d need to be if he was able to feel anything through his callused penis! Yikes!
Biggest turn off for me is when they start an inner dialogue about their conflicted feelings. Really, can one go on for three pages of inner dialogue while still maintaining hot monkey love sex? I’d think you’d get distracted.
I ready further as well…this was actually printed. Holy Crap! It’s a totally bizarre mix of awkwardly large words and description. The best is after their raunchy sex scene he marvels at her innocance. Really? Because two pages ago she was riding that callous penis like it was 1799!
I read further as well – what a bizarre mix of description and dialogue. I think the best part was after their raunchy sex scene (that lasted hours and hours of course) he marvels at her innocence. Really? Because two pages ago she was riding that callous penis like it was 1799!
Not arguing that callouses (I’m British, they’re callouses, okay?) are going a bit too far, but this thread is a perfect example of why authors shouldn’t read articles like this.
If I happened to be an author about to start writing a sex scene, I’d be completely befuzzled. If I can’t say all that, what CAN I say? And if I do that one okay, what do I say in the next one?
Tiny marines? Well of course they’re running around inside her channel; they’re seamen!
Hehe it’s a phallus callus.