Alert Reader N. answered the call for any examples of What Not To Write with an email message that made my jaw drop. As part of a regular feature here at the Hot Pink Palace of Bitchery (where the drinks are free and the man titty shelters us from the harsh rays of the sun), we’re taking a look at descriptions, both sexual and non-sexual that yanked us out of the storyline.
Some of these examples, such as the comparison of a woman’s hey-nanner-nanner to a horse’s mouth, evoked some irritated responses that the passage in question (the words, not the ACTUAL passage) didn’t bother them. And of course, any sex scene taken out of context is ridiculous, as AgTigress pointed out. It’s true.
But every now and again, readers encounter some examples of description that cause a double-take.
Which is why N’s example was so marvelous.
I humbly submit for your consideration Susan Johnson’s short story “A School for Scandal” in the anthology Perfect Kisses, in which the hero wonders if he is being overly vigorous:
“He wasn’t worried for himself – his penis was calloused from hard use. Her vaginal tissue on the other hand might be more fragile.”
I know. You don’t believe me. But here it is.
Oh, no. Calloused?! REALLY?! To quote Hubby, what was he doing, humping some sandpaper? If it is used so much it develops callouses, I think it might need to be retired.
What does a calloused wang LOOK like anyway? And would a man use one of those flat razors on it to make the callouses go away? YEESH.
Even if Johnson’s hero was being sarcastic, there’s no way I’m getting that image out of my head (ha ha) any time soon. Sweet holy crap.
Feel free to send over any What Not To Write examples to sarahATsmartbitchestrashybooksDOTcom. Horses with callouses, though, I think we’ve got that covered. (*shudder*)