Woodsy Fresh Scent

Today on Twitter (that sounds like a really bad show on an entertainment network, doesn’t it?) I mentioned that I encounter a lot of heroes who smell “woodsy” but had no idea what that meant. Swampy? Like pine trees? Cedar? Hickory? Like firewood, pre- or post-campfire?

A few people suggested cedar, or, as Maisey Yates said, “like sticking your head in the Pacific Northwest.” Having never smelled the PNW, I’ll take your word for it that this is a good smell.

But this conversation got me thinking – why are there not more romance-novel tie-in products? I mean, think of the possibilities! In the Bosoms we published the following graphic advertising a product mockup which I still have not seen on the shelves of my nearest drugstore:

image

This is super-powered product right here- ever notice that heroes and heroines can roll over and make out first thing in the morning without a sign or indication that There Be Swamp Breath In the Morning? Listerine has nothing on romance novel mouthwash.

And so long as we’re smelling woody:

image

Would you hang that in your car? I would totally hang that in my car. Time for anther round of my favorite game, Where’s My Venture Capitalist™? I envision a whole line of these – in all your favorite hero-fresh scents, including “Woodsy,” “Spicy,” “Sweat, Leather, and Horses,” and my favorite, “Male.” He smelled like a Male. No one would dare steal your ride if it smelled like Male.

Any other scent ideas? ETA: Product ideas welcome too! I’m not picky. Let me have ‘em! Best romance-novel tie in product in the comments gets a $25 gift card to the bookstore of your choosing. Gift cards are guaranteed not to smell “woodsy.” You’ve got 24 hours – make your suggestions, in text or, if you’re feeling frisky, in graphic form.

 

Comments are Closed

  1. daisy says:

    I think someone should make candles which catch the scent of your man for you and you can light it when you are lonely for him and alone. What do you think?

  2. Laurel says:

    Eau de Eurotrash- for when you want your special hero to smell like he hasn’t had a shower for two adventure filled days and no clean shorts for even longer!

  3. PattiR says:

    How about for the JR Ward fans…CAFHE VHENTI- FOR THAT ‘OH SO SPICY ALPHA -URBAN VAMPIRE’…or RED SMOKES – FOR THAT ‘JUST STEPPED INTO A STARBUCKS’ SMELL. 

    SPAM word..growth65…um…ew.

  4. Nadia says:

    The company had to pull Old Skool for Her from the shelves due to unfortunate side effects.  While the scent did drive men into uncontrollable fits of lust as intended, no one predicted that the men would be strangely compelled to yell “Whore!’ at their partners after sexual encounters.

    They are hoping for better luck with their hair product line.  Mullet Sheen hits stores in time for Christmas.

  5. Sharon S. says:

    Angst- for the vampire that loves to wallow in self-pity.

    and….

    Introducing the BURSTING BOSOM BRA! For those nights when you or him can’t wait. Push the button and watch as your bosoms explode out of the bra simultaneously popping buttons from your shirt (warning: projectile buttons can cause blindness).

  6. Jeannie says:

    Why not “Chocolate Cupcake”?

    ‘Cause that would get me going faster than the smell of horses and hay or a forest full of male. Ooh, and it could be flavored like that shit Jessica Simpson put out.

    “Just a spritz or two will have your woman foaming at the mouth for a taste, and it’s totally fat and sugar-free!”

    It could even come with little packets of sprinkles that stick to skin. Imagine the possibilities. *sigh*

    Product warning: Manufacturer cannot be held liable if user’s body parts are bitten, chewed or gnawed upon. Use sparingly and with caution.

  7. sweetsiouxsie says:

    I have nothing to add since I am laughing too hard! ;-D

    husband42…..I wish he was still that tender age!

  8. daisy says:

    I thought of something else. Grandma used to buy us boxed embroidered handkerchiefs for Christmas. Why not romance boxed handkerchief you could use for special occasions. Wear red lipstick, kiss him and blot his lips and keep as a keepsake. Your lovely memories.

  9. Anna Richland says:

    Two products on offer at the Richland home:

    Per-Kay for her. Are you a blue-stocking of a certain age? You’ve read about Sir Isaac’s theory, and now is it working on you? Those Empire-waist gowns getting uncomfortably close to your girlfriends these days? Try Per-Kay, the scented lifting lotion all the debutantes use. Yes dear, you can look, smell, and bounce like you’re seventeen again.

    The Super-Bladder 3000 . Because there’s something besides bad breath that compels you to roll away from your man in the morning. But now with the insertable Super-Bladder 3000, you’ll be able to go days on the run with your Alpha with no need to do the necessary. Puncture-proof guarantee available at extra charge.

  10. PattiR says:

    One more and then I really have to get back to work…

    Introducing the H.E.A Pill. 

    This product can only be taken once and only when you are feeling your life can’t get any worse.  Please use with caution.

    Uses:  Permanently relieves feelings of loneliness and self doubt or confidence, also rescues you from kidnappings from people not meant to be your one ‘True Love’.

    Directions: Take one pill and wait one hour then go out and do something that is totally dangerous, something you have never done before but believe you can handle it. 
    When using this product:  You will meet that perfect person and feel instant attraction.  You may want to ask someone that you think has your best interests at heart about this person, but this person will not be capable of giving you good advice. You will start to feel confusion and misunderstanding and will accuse this perfect person of not caring and/or accuse perfect person they are not right for you and that the relationship will never work.  When these feelings are cleared up, you will experience Hot Monkey Sex, Love and Commitment (not necessarily in that order).

    Other side effects may include:  Epilogue style story tie-ups, a feeling of Happiness that has never been known, Marriage, more Hot Monkey Sex, finding out you are Rich and having lots of Babies.

  11. Lara Amber says:

    “Home from the Hunt”, you may not have ever left the big city, but even you can smell like you’ve just come home from the kill.  An alluring mixture of four days of sweat, burnt gunpowder, animal blood, and that undertone of “we didn’t have toilets or paper, just chuck these boxers in the trash honey, don’t look!” that drives all women wild.

    *Why yes, my husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just tackle him at the door with kisses and refuse to touch him until he’s scoured himself in the shower.  Apparently if I really missed him, I’d tackle him right there in the front hall, regardless of stench or lack of brushed teeth.

  12. IcePrincess says:

    Forever Smooth – Regency Hair Removal

    No need for waxing, laser, shaving or plucking. Simply rub this invisible cream on underarms, legs ANYWHERE and no hair will ever grow there. Perfect for unexpected ducal visits. Available in scented or unscented. Results may vary.

  13. Kristi says:

    We need a line of tear-away lingerie.  Yes, rippable bodices. And thongs, for the modern consumer.

    Have you ever tried ripping fabric? Unless you start with a well-placed cut right along the grain line, it doesn’t work.  I honestly don’t know how all those Old Skool romance heroes worked their ripping magic without sharp scissors. Even if you found a seam to rip, there’s usually a hem or trim along one edge or another that will slow the whole tear-away process.

    Then again, the Chippendales may have beat me to this concept. I distinctly remember at their show in Vegas how you could spot an undershirt that was prepped to be removed by the slight rip at the neckline when the guys would come on stage.

  14. Ashley says:

    Oh, ladies.  My brain is on strike this morning, so I googled to find out the name of those little fireworks you threw on the ground in junior high?  That went bang and made everyone jump?  So I could make some clever reference to the exploding phenomenon, you see.

    Mmmm kay,  found this :

    Blowgun Exploding Cap Darts

    My womb hurts.

    ( http://www.stun-ningsales.com/SportStore/blowguns/darts.htm)

  15. Lara Amber says:

    The Spanky: a classic 12 inch wooden rule made of thick, firm hardwood.  Measure him then spank him.  That boy needs to learn!

    *Manufacturer not responsible if you forget to lock the classroom door before playing.  Don’t be an idiot on school property.

  16. Joy says:

    Bounce For Men – the new scent for men that smells like fabric softener.  Because what can be sexier than a man who actually does laundry?  Amirite, ladies?

    That said, it always kind of weirds me out when a (usually historical) romance hero smells like whiskey and tobacco.  Because nothing smells sexy like a combo of 2 am bar breath and an ashtray.

    captcha – possible46.  It’s possible my husband did 46 loads of laundry this year, but I doubt it.

  17. Chas says:

    Woof – For those werewolves out there would adore being in the rain.  Composed of top notes of rain, woods, and lavender.  Bottom notes include fur and wet dog.  Apply and cozy up to your lady wolf.  She’ll be all over you after one sniff of the backside!

    Chipped tooth- For male vampies who know that biting during the sex is hot! Composed of top notes of sweat and linen.  Bottom notes include copper and bone.  Male vamps are sure to please their lady loves with a smidge of this!  Apply and watch as your lady quivers with excitement after just one subtle sniff. This fragrance is desgined to heighten awareness and promote free letting of blood during all those sexy times!  Side effects include being swept away, loosing control, and chipped teeth.

    Meow – designed for all those were-cats out there.  Composed of top notes of catnip, butterfly wings. Contains bottom notes of mice and woods. Apply liberally. Will remind you of your time spent frolicking in the woods chasing critters (ie Mice, since you’re such a tender hearted man!)  After one whiff of this your lover will drop her panties faster than you can say “here kitty.”

  18. S Kayne says:

    Skin-So-Smooth Lotion

    To make your skin silky soft. It also smooths wrinkles, removes unsightly blemishes and scars, removes cellulite, removes body hair, tightens skin instantly making your skin and body that of a 20 year old.
    Unscented or Bacon scented.

    Warnings: may cause uncontrollable monkey sex against the nearest wall when your man gets a whiff of you.

    🙂

  19. morwen says:

    How about: InstaCare for when your brute is being especially brutish. Just one spray and your brutes softer side will surface reminding you why you put up with all his crap.

    *warning does not work unless you have just been placed in a life threatening situation.

    or
    DeFang! Take the bite out of the vampire in your life with DeFang. The only product guaranteed to turn a vampire from a deadly predator of the night to a sensitive soul who sparkles. Now with optional angst.

  20. Lara Amber says:

    That said, it always kind of weirds me out when a (usually historical) romance hero smells like whiskey and tobacco.  Because nothing smells sexy like a combo of 2 am bar breath and an ashtray.

    Because you rarely have an old west romance novel with this blurb on the back:

    She was a barmaid tired of cowboys and prospectors who smelled of whiskey and tobacco.  He was a French pastry chef who decided to go west.  Would love blossom among the chocolate eclairs?

  21. AndieG says:

    Ladies – Are you embarrassed that your unmentionables aren’t wringing wet when your man enters the room?  Do you wonder why your magical Hoo-Hoo isn’t working the way it should?
    No need to worry!  Just pick up the newest product from E-Jacques-Ulahtay – Vulva-leen
    With Vulva-leen, you will produce copious amounts of feminine moisture whenever your Alpha male appears, gaurenteeing easy access for his Mighty Wang…and Vulva-leen will last and last through hours (or days!) of non-stop sexxing. 
    Vulva-leen.  Try it today!

  22. AndieG says:

    oops….sorry about the non-stop bolding there.  it was just supposed to be the product name.

  23. Denise says:

    Don’t have any perfume names…I DO live in the PNW and it smells pretty good here.
    My magic product is ClothesOff!  Clothes come off smoothly with little or no struggling. Awkward moments of bouncing on one foot to take off a sock are now no more.  I would love this product!

  24. Literary Slut Kilian says:

    Perfume of the Desert – that wonderful fresh smell of monsoon rain on dusty sage and cactus – because we all love us a prick-ly man.

    range22 – nothing like a 22-year-old ready to ride the range

  25. AndieG says:

    This whole contest is hilarious.  I’ve been giggling all morning.

    Want to bring out the Cowboy in you man? Try one of our two new scents;  Spur (ripe with hints of oiled gunmetal and sunwarmed Stallion) 
    or
    Hayloft (reminicent of your last good roll in the hay).

  26. Literary Slut Kilian says:

    vixenbib wrote:

    http://smellofbooks.com/

    OMG, I am having a total flashback to when I was a college student working in the acquisitions dept of the college library.  I would open the boxes of new books, and the wonderful smell of the aromatic esters used in the glue and bindings would waft up.  If I ever found a man who smelled as good, I would marry him up, I betcha!

  27. DreadPirateRachel says:

    What about the Manly Mouthguard, guaranteed to give your jaw-clenching hero relief (at least while he’s asleep) and to help prevent TMJ!

    Off topic: Sarah, you’ve never been to the PNW??? How is this possible? We rock the woody scent and the general awesomeness that is the outdoorsy hero.

  28. Jason says:

    The scent should be named ‘Grrrr’ 🙂 Use it on coats and t-shirts that you lend out to lovers so that, even after months, your scent still lingers on the fabric. 🙂

    ~smooches~
    Jase

  29. M Lopez says:

    I read historical romances, mostly of the Medieval sort. And it always bugs the crap out of me that none of these women ever seem to sweat, perspire, or even feel somewhat warmish in all those Medieval clothes in the summer. Here in New York in the 21st century I can barely survive July-August in my Mom Shorts and t-shirt; I can’t possibly imagine wearing corsets and velvet gowns and such. So my romance-novel tie-in product is:

    The Corset Cooler

    Made with new StayCool Gel inserts, The Corset Cooler will keep your internal body temperature at a pleasurable 98.6 degrees at all times, even if the trees around you are bursting into flames or the castle you’re in is melting from the summer heat. Designed to last until he rips it off your heaving bosom.

  30. Lara Amber says:

    I hope the makers of the Corset Cooler soon have a spin off product for nursing bras!  Because I’m dying!

  31. M Lopez says:

    Oooh, good idea, Lara Amber!

    How about:

    Milky Mama

    Because somehow your boobs need to magically know when to lactate – as when you’ve just had a baby – and when not to, as when he needs to ravish you shortly after having said baby. Which doesn’t hurt or feel uncomfortable at all.

  32. Kathleen says:

    WD-40

    Just like Duct Tape.  Fixes everything. 

    But seriously.  I agree, a car freshener with scent of “Male” would be guaranteed to be off-putting to thieves so long as said thieves are male.  Why?  Because not too long ago, Lovey and I were talking scents and men.  His remark?  “Guys smell!”

    Well.  Yes.  They do.  But some of them smell yummy which is a good thing or nurse-types like me with sensitive sniffers would never bed them at all.  For the record, I have rebuffed a suitor or three because his natural scent was just a little too wafty for my taste.

  33. The Book Boyfriend Date Night Kit

    This three piece kit includes:
    1 – 3oz atomizer of your book boyfriend’s signature scent
    1 – XL/XXL/XXXL T-shirt with an appropriate quote from your book boyfriend (i.e., BDB Vishous “True?”)
    1 – anatomically correct dildo designed to perfectly match your book boyfriend’s finer attribute

    Current selection includes:
    The BDB
    The Order
    Special Orders available upon request

    Coming soon…the men of Maya Banks, Larrissa Ilone, & Lauren Dane
    Sorry, opened packages cannot be returned for any reason.

  34. LauraGr says:

    I was laughing before I ever got to the comments. I am such a child. I read:
    And so long as we’re smelling woody:

    …and giggled like a 13 year old boy telling fart jokes.

    So tell me, how does your woody smell?

  35. Laura Xixi and Julie H says:

    Splinters, pebbles, sand, rugburns, freak hailstorms…ever wondered how romance novel heroines avoid these perils? Sure, making love up against a tree on a rocky beach in the middle of a hailstorm sounds romantic…but how can you ensure that your skin will remain unblemished and pure as the driven snow?

    Presenting…

    Wanton Strumpet: Body Mist for Women

    “When the only wood you want inside you… is his”

    Protects against all harm derived from sex on impractical surfaces. Also repels love marks any higher than the neckline of the heroine’s gowns.

  36. LisaLee says:

    I think the guys at BlueQ could be convinced to come up with something for you!!! Hahaha!

    http://www.blueq.com/shop/114-catId.117440521_114-productId.0.html

  37. Sharon S. says:

    someone come up with something for that Highlander male…

  38. rebyj says:

    I always giggle at “he could smell her female scent” It always makes me think the gal needs a bath lol

    Plagiarizing Secret: Strong enough for a man!

  39. Lindsay says:

    Sunshine Cosmetics – for the heroine who needs to reach out to a dark tortured soul. Comes in perfume, body wash, hand cream, , and even lip balm. Smell like sunshine! (Disclaimer: we don’t know what sunshine really smells like, but at least the products are a lovely sunny yellow).

    And now presenting NEW! Sunshine pastilles – why just small like sunshine when you can taste like it too? Use in moderation. Manufacturer is not responsible for UV damage to the mouth.

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