This was in my inbox. I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. Enjoy.
I’ve recently started to pick up on some rather….er……interesting
turns of phrase by certain authors and thought I’d share one with The
Bitchery.So after checking out both Smart Bitches and Dear Author for some new
reading material, I thought I’d try some Lisa Marie Rice. So far ok. Not
great, but a good way to distract myself while laying in the physio’s
office with a bajillion acupuncture needles stuck in my ass and lower back.
I guess that would be ass-upuncture. Anyhow, I’m reading Woman on the Run
(as an aside am I the only one that’s noticed that LMR’s Hero’s are kinda
creepy stalkerish, with great HUMONGOUS penises that basically become hugely
erect the first time they set eyes on the heroine and magically stay that
way through the entire story, and by entire I mean even while away from the
heroine for days at a time, washing their hair, eating lunch, walking the
dog ect, and her heroines all have little teeny weeny vaginas.) when I’ve
finally arrived at the moment when our hero and heroine are about to
consummate their lust for each other.It’s intense, emotional, fluid filled, gasping, naked hotness. While “probing” her magic hoo-ha to
prepare our heroine for his ENORMOUS wang, our hero muses that,“a woman’s sex is like a horses mouth”.
Ummmm…..wazat now? My transportation to fantasy land while my left buttock
is filled with pins has ground to a screeching halt. Er, lets just pretend
that never got written and move along. Nope, our hero is going to take a
brief mental detour while making hot love to his woman, to elaborate on the
finer points of horsemanship and bit fitting.I tried to continue on, but my brain was completely stuck with the comparison of a vagina to a horses
mouth. Her little teeny, tiny vagina – only like a horses mouth. Which are
kinda huge and gapey. with the green foamy slobber from eating grass.
Oh, holy night. No way. Horse’s mouth? Well, if you’re giving birth and the ob/gyn/midwife offers you a mirror to see what all is happening down in the valley, you know what to expect. It’s Mr. Ed!
This isn’t the first foray in to “WTF was THAT” when it comes to romance novel descriptions of sex or sexy bits. It’s a challenge to come up with new words for the dance as old as time and the Fred Astaire and the Ginger and the metaphor limping to the finish line. We’ve talked about orgasm metaphors, and bad lines in romance that make you howl. I might have to add “sex like a horse’s mouth” to that list.
Along with it? The timeless prose of Stephanie Laurens who wrote in “The Brazen Bride” that the hero sank…. Into the weeping furnace of her sheath.” When furnaces weep, you know it is ON LIKE DONKEY KONG. Because then you have to call the plumber, and everyone knows the plumber is like the pool boy who comes to clean the pool and then visits you in that sexy cabana tent by the pool, only this time it’s a plumber so he probably visits you in the shower or something, or in the basement since your furnace is weeping and that probably means a cracked boiler, and that’s so expensive that a righteous boning might make the pain of the plumber’s bill more bearable, and what could be more hot than that, right?
WRONG. The hottest thing ever? “He plunged into the weeping furnace of her horse’s mouth.”
There. I hope you weren’t eating breakfast.
Very good point re: the context, Tigress.
But sometimes, the difference between lathed and laved is sloppy attention to spell check. 🙂
Makes me yearn for the days of heaving bosums and velvet sheaths and throbbing manhoods.
How far have we really come when a woman is compared to a horse????? Were they having oral sex if he’s comparing her to a horses mouth?
Context or not, this is giving Romance a bad name
Best laugh I’ve had in a long time though!
I hadn’t thought of that, but you are probably right: lave is a much less common word than lathe in modern English, so I can see that some spell-checkers might change it. I had always assumed it was due to the writer not knowing the definitions.
🙂
Some people just shouldn’t write sex scenes until they stop and think. I once read a book in which the heroine was in the throws of passion when the hero paused with his shaft poised at the entrance to “her weeping hole.” This brought to mind a lot of things, none of them involving sex. I read no further. When I finished laughing, I tossed the book in the trash—the only good place for it.
I sincerly hope my love/sex scenes don’t fall into the “too funny to be believed” category.
Now I know I shouldn’t read this page during a business meeting… Hard to laugh, snort, giggle in silence in a room full of male geologists without them going “what so funny?” then you look at them, naked imagry ensues and you just have to leave the room and howl in the hallway…!!!
At
I have got to read this book now! Thanks for the laugh 🙂
Lathed her nipples. Hahahhhahahahahahahaha!!!!! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read that exact turn of phrase and thought, “Lathed? That doesn’t sound right. Surely they mean laved” Man, that’s gotta hurt.
Tim, the trim carpenter, lathed her nipples and popped a chalk line to her weeping hole.
Hahahahahahahahahhahahhaaa! *cries
I am soooo glad I have learned not to have any beverages around while I am reading the Smart Bitches. I’ve saved my computer more than once with this simple precaution.
And romance writers wonder why the genre gets no respect. It’s no mystery to me. Where is the editor who let this idiocy get printed?
Maybe it’s just something in the nature of Romance (not sex, so much as the capital R stuff) that lends itself to awful comparisons?
To quote from the Song of Solomon:
“…your hair is like a flock of goats, going down from Mount Gilead.”
(4:1)
Oh, and the following verse:
“Your teeth are like a flock of shorn sheep which have come up from the washing, every one of which bears twins and none is barren among them.”
Hey, if an Editor let that one pass, no analogy is safe from publication.
OMG! Thank goodness I wasn’t eating or drinking. I sometimes wonder what they are thinking when they write that stuff. Dear authors-If you can’t say it right, don’t say it at all.
Which are
kinda huge and gapey. with the green foamy slobber from eating grass.