This was in my inbox. I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. Enjoy.
I’ve recently started to pick up on some rather….er……interesting
turns of phrase by certain authors and thought I’d share one with The
So after checking out both Smart Bitches and Dear Author for some new
reading material, I thought I’d try some Lisa Marie Rice. So far ok. Not
great, but a good way to distract myself while laying in the physio’s
office with a bajillion acupuncture needles stuck in my ass and lower back.
I guess that would be ass-upuncture. Anyhow, I’m reading Woman on the Run
(as an aside am I the only one that’s noticed that LMR’s Hero’s are kinda
creepy stalkerish, with great HUMONGOUS penises that basically become hugely
erect the first time they set eyes on the heroine and magically stay that
way through the entire story, and by entire I mean even while away from the
heroine for days at a time, washing their hair, eating lunch, walking the
dog ect, and her heroines all have little teeny weeny vaginas.) when I’ve
finally arrived at the moment when our hero and heroine are about to
consummate their lust for each other.
It’s intense, emotional, fluid filled, gasping, naked hotness. While “probing” her magic hoo-ha to
prepare our heroine for his ENORMOUS wang, our hero muses that,
Ummmm…..wazat now? My transportation to fantasy land while my left buttock
is filled with pins has ground to a screeching halt. Er, lets just pretend
that never got written and move along. Nope, our hero is going to take a
brief mental detour while making hot love to his woman, to elaborate on the
finer points of horsemanship and bit fitting.
I tried to continue on, but my brain was completely stuck with the comparison of a vagina to a horses
mouth. Her little teeny, tiny vagina – only like a horses mouth. Which are
kinda huge and gapey. with the green foamy slobber from eating grass.
Oh, holy night. No way. Horse’s mouth? Well, if you’re giving birth and the ob/gyn/midwife offers you a mirror to see what all is happening down in the valley, you know what to expect. It’s Mr. Ed!
This isn’t the first foray in to “WTF was THAT” when it comes to romance novel descriptions of sex or sexy bits. It’s a challenge to come up with new words for the dance as old as time and the Fred Astaire and the Ginger and the metaphor limping to the finish line. We’ve talked about orgasm metaphors, and bad lines in romance that make you howl. I might have to add “sex like a horse’s mouth” to that list.
Along with it? The timeless prose of Stephanie Laurens who wrote in “The Brazen Bride” that the hero sank…. Into the weeping furnace of her sheath.” When furnaces weep, you know it is ON LIKE DONKEY KONG. Because then you have to call the plumber, and everyone knows the plumber is like the pool boy who comes to clean the pool and then visits you in that sexy cabana tent by the pool, only this time it’s a plumber so he probably visits you in the shower or something, or in the basement since your furnace is weeping and that probably means a cracked boiler, and that’s so expensive that a righteous boning might make the pain of the plumber’s bill more bearable, and what could be more hot than that, right?
WRONG. The hottest thing ever? “He plunged into the weeping furnace of her horse’s mouth.”
There. I hope you weren’t eating breakfast.