Kifah Offers a What Not to Do

This was in my inbox. I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. Enjoy.

I’ve recently started to pick up on some rather….er……interesting
turns of phrase by certain authors and thought I’d share one with The
Bitchery.

So after checking out both Smart Bitches and Dear Author for some new
reading material, I thought I’d try some Lisa Marie Rice. So far ok. Not
great, but a good way to distract myself while laying in the physio’s
office with a bajillion acupuncture needles stuck in my ass and lower back.
I guess that would be ass-upuncture. Anyhow, I’m reading Woman on the Run
(as an aside am I the only one that’s noticed that LMR’s Hero’s are kinda
creepy stalkerish, with great HUMONGOUS penises that basically become hugely
erect the first time they set eyes on the heroine and magically stay that
way through the entire story, and by entire I mean even while away from the
heroine for days at a time, washing their hair, eating lunch, walking the
dog ect, and her heroines all have little teeny weeny vaginas.) when I’ve
finally arrived at the moment when our hero and heroine are about to
consummate their lust for each other.

It’s intense, emotional, fluid filled, gasping, naked hotness. While “probing” her magic hoo-ha to
prepare our heroine for his ENORMOUS wang, our hero muses that,

“a woman’s sex is like a horses mouth”.

Ummmm…..wazat now? My transportation to fantasy land while my left buttock
is filled with pins has ground to a screeching halt. Er, lets just pretend
that never got written and move along. Nope, our hero is going to take a
brief mental detour while making hot love to his woman, to elaborate on the
finer points of horsemanship and bit fitting.

I tried to continue on, but my brain was completely stuck with the comparison of a vagina to a horses
mouth. Her little teeny, tiny vagina – only like a horses mouth. Which are
kinda huge and gapey. with the green foamy slobber from eating grass.

Oh, holy night. No way. Horse’s mouth? Well, if you’re giving birth and the ob/gyn/midwife offers you a mirror to see what all is happening down in the valley, you know what to expect. It’s Mr. Ed!

This isn’t the first foray in to “WTF was THAT” when it comes to romance novel descriptions of sex or sexy bits. It’s a challenge to come up with new words for the dance as old as time and the Fred Astaire and the Ginger and the metaphor limping to the finish line. We’ve talked about orgasm metaphors, and bad lines in romance that make you howl. I might have to add “sex like a horse’s mouth” to that list.

Along with it? The timeless prose of Stephanie Laurens who wrote in “The Brazen Bride” that the hero sank…. Into the weeping furnace of her sheath.” When furnaces weep, you know it is ON LIKE DONKEY KONG. Because then you have to call the plumber, and everyone knows the plumber is like the pool boy who comes to clean the pool and then visits you in that sexy cabana tent by the pool, only this time it’s a plumber so he probably visits you in the shower or something, or in the basement since your furnace is weeping and that probably means a cracked boiler, and that’s so expensive that a righteous boning might make the pain of the plumber’s bill more bearable, and what could be more hot than that, right?

WRONG. The hottest thing ever? “He plunged into the weeping furnace of her horse’s mouth.”

There. I hope you weren’t eating breakfast.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1

    I thought it had long been established that ‘weeping’ applied to any part of the genitalia or the sex act was an auto FAIL.

    I think a new rule regarding comparisons of genitalia to any farmyard beast – or animal of any ilk, including snakes (esp pythons), panthers, baboons (esp their bottoms) or puppies under blankets – should be established, and any author using said metaphors, comparisons or similes should be forced to work for a week behind scenes at their local zoo or dairy, mucking out :)

  2. 2

    I am eating breakfast, thanks lol

  3. 3
    Babs says:

    OMG! That made laugh so hard I hurt.

    Ya know, I read WOMAN ON THE RUN and apparently blocked that phrase out of my mind. *gee, wonder why* But wasn’t the alpha alpha hero in that one a horse breeder or rancher? Isn’t that carrying a theme a little far?

  4. 4
    Babs says:

    OMG! That made me laugh so hard I now hurt.

    Ya know, I read WOMAN ON THE RUN and completely blocked that phrase from my memory *gee, wonder why*

    Wasn’t the uber-alpha hero in that one a horse breeder? Isn’t that carrying a theme a little too far…?

  5. 5
    Babs says:

    Sorry for the double post. First one disappeared and received message that it didn’t post…

  6. 6
    ghn says:

    Actually, I was eating lunch. But don’t worry, I have a strong stomach. :-P

    The pincushion’s review was full of win! I almost sprayed keyboard and screen with tea!

    What I tend to hink about when encountering the weeping bits and pieces, is STDs! But I suppose that in Romancelandia that sort of thing is only reserved for the most evil of villains!

    meet66 – In Real Life the weeping bits and pieces undoubtedly causes weeping when the diagnosis is confirmed! :-p

  7. 7
    Sarah W says:

    Am I the only one who is so completely turned off by the weeping thing that only a visit to my secret stash of Betty “No first kiss before the third wedding anniversary” Neels can restore my equilibrium?

    I loves me a hot, lustful scene, I do—-but if anything is weeping, stop everything and go get tested first for cripe’s sake.  Guh.

  8. 8
    Sarah W says:

    Whoops!  I missed ghn’s comment—-I guess I’m not alone! :)

  9. 9
    Lostshadows says:

    Was I the only one who immediately thought, “Don’t horses have teeth?”

  10. 10
    Hydecat says:

    No, I thought of that too. Maybe he’s in to vagina dentata?

  11. 11
    Kathy says:

    Oh holy shit.

  12. 12
    Kate Jones says:

    I’m with you on the teeth.  Not sure how that wouldn’t be the creepiest image ever for the hero himself…

  13. 13
    Jennifer Armintrout says:

    Well, there goes any sexual desire I might have harbored in the future.

  14. 14
    Jennifer Armintrout says:

    Wait, wait, I just thought of something…

    How does he know that a woman’s sex is like a horse’s mouth?  WTF has he been doing with horses?

  15. 15

    How does he know that a woman’s sex is like a horse’s mouth?  WTF has he been doing with horses?

    Ha!

    I was trying to think up a way to make this comparison less creepy, and I think I have. If forced to choose between a horse mouth love tunnel and an Alien mouth love tunnel, wouldn’t the horse suddenly seem rather appealing? And yes, you have to choose. There are no normal vulvae options in this hypothetical scenario.

  16. 16
    JamiSings says:

    Maybe the SB should consider that their next book be about what not to write for the begging romance novelist.

  17. 17
    Terry Odell says:

    Thanks for the wonderful images to start the day. At least my coffee is still in the kitchen. Linda Howard gave a great list of alternative vocabulary at a workshop, but this wasn’t on it.

    Terry
    Terry’s Place
    Romance with a Twist—of Mystery

  18. 18
    Laurel says:

    I have a horrifying image of some form of bestiality which does not warrant further description.

  19. 19
    SB Sarah says:

    “Straight from the horse’s mouth” is not a phrase I often use, but now I am entirely unlikely ever to do so.

    I think I need yet another tag for this type of entry: WHYYYYYYY?!

  20. 20
    Jason says:

    Well, if I wasn’t gay already, comparing a woman’s vag to a horse’s mouth would have sent me over to play on the other team. :D DAYUM!

  21. 21
    Ben P says:

    OMG. Green foamy slobber sluicing from womanly weepy bits.

    As a man, the thought of that is enough to send my man-parts into permanent hiding, quivering like a frightened mouse.

    In keeping with the mouse analogy I was briefly inclined to try and tempt them back out with a piece of cheese. But my wife, in her infinite wisdom, informed me that man-parts and cheese together are also very wrong.

    Bursting ripe like a ripe mellon is wrong too.

    For me, even the WTFery of the romance genre is part of the fun.

  22. 22
    miz-geek says:

    Brings whole new meaning to “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”.

  23. 23
    Lori says:

    The next time someone asks me why I gave up reading LMR I know just what I’m going to say. The problem with “Like a horse’s mouth” is a lot less subjective than my usual response about her not being about to differentiate between Alpha and asshat.

  24. 24
    Antonia says:

    BAHAHAHAHAHA

    I have no words.

  25. 25
    Marie Kenward says:

    “Straight from the horse’s mouth” is not a phrase I often use, but now I am entirely unlikely ever to do so.

    ROFLMAO I do believe I’ll never, ever be able to hear this expression without thinking about this post.

  26. 26
    Kristin says:

    Bwahahahahahahaha…the laugh was great but I had the added benefit of shocing my teen.  I was laughing so hard that he asked me what I was laughing at.  I tried to tell him he didn’t want to know but he insisted so I read it too him.  He is know covering his ears and mumbling about needing to bleach his brain/

  27. 27
    Chicklet says:

    I thought it had long been established that ‘weeping’ applied to any part of the genitalia or the sex act was an auto FAIL.

    Ditto for anything “leaking.” Just be forthright and say the head of the hero’s cock is wet with pre-come.

    *pauses*

    It’s possible I’ve been reading too much slash lately. Or at least taking to heart Bret Easton Ellis’s preference for sex scenes that are “unadorned,” because that’s how I like them, too.

  28. 28

    My stifled snorting is going to get me kicked out of our home office. Dear hubby is trying to work, and can’t tell if I’m laughing or crying.

    I mean, weeping.

  29. 29
    Rebecca (one of them) says:

    Speaking of images that require bleach, I listen to Top 40 music and Katy Perry, California Girls Lyrics have that affect on me. 
    “We’re unforgettable Daisy Dukes Bikinis on top Sun-kissed skin So hot We’ll melt your Popsicle”
    Maybe I have a dirty mind but I envision a man’s “popsicle” melting, like a candle.  Getting shorter until it gutters out.

  30. 30
    Elise Logan says:

    Whoa, there, missy! We don’t take kindly to that kind of comparison in these here parts. Or any parts.

    Fortunately, I had already swallowed my swig of Naked Blue Machine and set the bottle on my desk. Otherwise my pretty little netbook would be spattered in blue goo. Which, well, makes me glad I wasn’t drinking a Gold Machine because that analogy would go all kinds of wrong. But, anyway….

    I’ve read a number of unfortunate and WTF-inducing turns of phrase. One of the ones that sticks in my mind and, years later, has not budged, was the comparison by Emma Holly of her heroine’s sexy noises to the “mewling cries of a tortured kitten.”

    Oh, God, please, no. No tortured kitten references in the pR0n, please.

    PS – spam word is life62. As in I could have gone my entire life and 62 years without having read about slobbery horse vag. Or tortured kittens.

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