Help A Bitch Out

HaBO: Gastrointestinal Romance

There is no romance like that which is created out of gastrointestinal distress. Dawn writes:

I read this book in 90’s it was about a woman who tested the quality of
pearls by putting them in her mouth and testing their texture. I think it
was her Father’s shop and a customer come in who doesn’t speak the same
language or barely understands the language and she puts the pearls in her
mouth and he does something to frighten her which makes her swallow one of
the pearls. He then takes her with him till she can give him back his pearl.
Of course they fall in love and I believe there was a big deal in the book
about her not being able to go home because they would think she had been
compromised and wouldn’t be of any value because she wouldn’t be a virgin.
I believe it was a historical romance and the publisher I think was Zebra or
at least it was a book that was obtained from the Zebra book club. Anyway I
would love it if someone would remember the title or author.
Thanks for any help.

I would love to read that scene: “Gimme back my pearl!” “I can’t!” “You will.. in about 8-10 hours!” EEEEEYEW.

I think this might be the closest I’ve seen to poo references in a romance novel. Anyone remember this one?



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  1. 1
    Donna says:

    Are you entirely sure this wasn’t a nightmare you had following a bad batch of margaritas? Just wondering.

  2. 2
    Kathlyn Bradshaw says:

    Save the contemporary romance be damned: Save the scatological romance!

  3. 3
    FD says:

    I’ve never read this one.  I could be wrong but the central premise seem impossible to me – passage through the digestive tract would definitely damage, and possibly even destroy a pearl.  If it was a gemstone – now that would be more plausible.

  4. 4
    Kate L says:

    Well nothing says romance to me like having to panhandle turds for pearls..
    And yet this sub-genre wasn’t listed in the Bloomberg piece, that uber-douche missed a trick there.

  5. 5
    Natalie Arloa says:

    This made me laugh so hard. My brother had to do this—accidentally swallowed a false tooth and did save his poo for a few days and pushed it through a sieve, and didn’t find it. Nothing says romance indeed!

  6. 6

    @Natalie Arloa I think I would have sprung for a new tooth. I know dentistry is expensive and all, but just the idea… EW.

  7. 7
    kridabo says:

    Pretty sure it’s Pearl Beyond Price by Claire Delacroix. It was… a memorable book lol. xD

  8. 8

    Why didn’t he just gag her with a spoon? Pearls being muy delicate and all, the less digestion the better.

    (Sorry guys, this heat is making me cranky.)

  9. 9
    P.N. Elrod says:

    I got a mental image for “string of pearls” and that jammed my giggle button and I can’t shut it off.

  10. 10

    I’m no help with the book – but I’m laughing (hubby thinks b/c he’s reading newspaper out loud – ha!) remembering a childhood incident and my POOR mother. I can only relate this story here b/c I’m using my nom de plume. Younger sister, home sick from elementary school, had a metal construction toy “jump” into her mouth where she swallowed it. Doctor advised my mother to confirm departure of said metal rectangle. She carried a long-handled spoon in a plastic bag for several days and my sister’s teacher would guard the stall door at school until my mother arrived to “search”. She never did find that toy, but did find a penny. Didn’t claim it. 

    wrote97: I wrote and deleted, wrote and deleted the same %$@ 97 words today.

  11. 11
    LadyRhian says:

    Yep, that was “Pearl Beyond Price” by Claire Delacroix, and the hero promptly abducts her to get his pearl back, and she gets it before he does and hides it in her clothes to pay him back for abducting her. I believe he needed the pearl as part of a bride price or something like that.

    He’s a Mongol, too.

    From the back cover:

    Black Wind, the Mongols hailed him. Swift, fierce and proud. Yet Kira looked upon Thierry de Pereille and saw, not a man marked by legend, but a warrior who had taken her from the life she knew…to a place of passion beyong her wildest dreams.

    The woman was a witch. Truly, who else could make pearls drop from her mouth? Or ensnare a man with nothing more than a touch? Yet, even as he fought the power that bound them together, Thierry knew he could not deny that the gentle Kira was his destiny.

    This is the second in a series. The first was Unicorn Bride. They should be read in order, otherwise, the story doesn’t make much sense. The third book was “Unicorn Vengeance”. That last one sounds awfully painful.

  12. 12
    Opal Carew says:

    I read that book, too.  It was “Pearl Beyond Price” by Claire Delacroix.  Another interesting thing about the book is that the hero and heroine didn’t speak the same language, which is tough to handle in a romance.

  13. 13

    Black Wind? So we can make fart jokes and poo jokes? This one’s a keeper for sure!

  14. 14
    Kate Pearce says:

    Wasn’t it Marie Antoinette who fed a very famous string of pearls (Cleopatra’s?) to a goose because she thought they’d come out shinier or something? Or maybe I’m making things up again.

    This incident also reminded me of the day my 2 yr old managed to get the back off his brother’s game and swallow the watch-size battery, necessitating a trip to Casualty an x-ray determining he had indeed swallowed it, and a few sordid days with a sieve and a spoon.
    Thanks for the memories :)

  15. 15
    AgTigress says:

    I think FD may be right:  I suspect that digestive acids would significantly damage the lustre of a pearl, even though they would not be sufficient to break it down completely.  The story wouldn’t work with another type of gem, such as an emerald or ruby, because nobody would try to test those with their teeth.  And it is the teeth that have sometimes been used, traditionally, to try to distinguish between real and artificial pearls: the tester does not put the whole gem in his/her mouth, but simply holds it and touches the surface with his teeth.  It’s fairly hard to see how even a sudden fright could get the thing right down the throat!

  16. 16
    Shriya says:

    I review romance novels, too. OMG, our websites do have a lot in common. I read a lot, too. I would love it if you could reply to this comment on my blog and we’d discuss books.

  17. 17
    Deb says:

    I don’t remember this book, but do remember sitting in the pediatrician’s office, with one of my daughter’s diapers in a baggie, scared to death that she was suffering from internal bleeding.  Nurse took one look at the “contents” and laughed:  My daughter had eaten a red crayon.

    A book I do remember with a similarly icky theme was one from the late ‘80s/early ‘90s where the hero and heroine were thrown together because the heroine developed a severe boil on her bottom and the hero had to lance it for her.  Eeeuuuwww!

    Man, they just don’t write ‘em like that anymore!

  18. 18
    Jes1 says:

    Nothing says he loves you more clearly than lancing your boils on your bottom.  How much more romantic can a story get?

    My spam word is looking 45, but I think I look a bit younger than that.  Or maybe I just want to look younger.

  19. 19
    Zoe Archer says:

    I don’t have an answer, other than to use the expression I’ve been trying to introduce to the common parlance:

    Poopin’ dukes, that’s not sexy!

    Can we all start using “poopin’ dukes” as an exclamation of wonderment, instead of, say, “Oh, my God,” or “Holy cow,” &c.?  Try it—you might like it!

    Poopin’ dukes, I love SBTB!

  20. 20
    FD says:

    A book I do remember with a similarly icky theme was one from the late ‘80s/early ‘90s where the hero and heroine were thrown together because the heroine developed a severe boil on her bottom and the hero had to lance it for her.  Eeeuuuwww!

    I actually have that book!  It’s a M&B Legacy of Love, called The Hellraiser by Dorothy Glenn aka Dorothy Garlock.
    Despite the boil, it’s actually a pretty good read.  It’s an (American)  Eastern sophisticate meets uncivilised Wild West book, written as part of a duo with Kristin James who wrote the companion, The Gentleman.  Which was also good and features a spitting heroine, the sophisticate/barbarian roles being swapped.    Highly memorable.

  21. 21
    Deb says:

    Oh FD, I wish I were a betting woman (or, I wish there had been someone to take up my wager) because when I posted my “boil on the bottom” comment I said to myself, I KNOW within a few hours, some smart bitch is going to come up with the name of that book.  I remember reading that and the companion book (it seems to me they were Harlequin Historicals—I was in their book club at the time—but perhaps not)—but the only thing that lodged in my memory was the heroine with a boil that needed to be lanced.

  22. 22
    Carrie says:

    For all you poop-scavengers out there, Dave Barry has the following advice:  “Make use of your freezer”.  Just a tip.

    this48:  This is the 48th time I’ve rejoiced that my daughter hasn’t swallowed strange and potentially lethal objects, requiring me to search through her poop daily.  Yet.

  23. 23
    SB Sarah says:

    Black Wind and poo pearls?!

    I cannot breathe now.

  24. 24
    JoAnn says:

    A book I do remember with a similarly icky theme was one from the late ‘80s/early ‘90s where the hero and heroine were thrown together because the heroine developed a severe boil on her bottom and the hero had to lance it for her.  Eeeuuuwww!

    I read that one, too. Set in the American West. Were they stuck in a cabin, running from someone? Don’t remember it well, but I do remember thinking at the time that a boil was like a big blister. When I later found out what a boil really was I recalled the scene and was a little more impressed and a little more ick-ed out.

    Poopin’ dukes

    romance is not always pretty!

  25. 25
    Suze says:

    I remember reading a Western historical back in the 80’s.  At some point, the heroine fell ill, and was unconscious for a few days.  The only part of the book that I really remember was that the hero had to deal with her bodily wastes, in some shack in a desert, with no plumbing.  Oooh, sexy.  And yet, I still read romances.

  26. 26
    JamiSings says:

    I don’t know. I think a man who lances a woman’s boil and still wants to have sex with her afterwards must really love her. Plus it’s a lot more realistic then tending a gunshot wound or broken ribs.

    I’d like to see more realistic moments like that, even in paranormals.

  27. 27

    Well nothing says romance to me like having to panhandle turds for pearls.

    Well said, Kate. I think that adage can be applied to many of life’s long slogs toward success, such as online dating, slush pile submissions, scratch ticket abuse… I love a little Bitchian philosophy first thing in the morning.

  28. 28
    Keri Ford says:

    this entire post and comment thread has made me giggle and snort. son keeps asking, “what’s so funny?”

  29. 29
    Karen says:

    If I ever write a romance novel, I call dibs on Poopin Dukes (Pu Pon Duques) as my nom de plum!

  30. 30
    Brooks*belle says:

    Thanks—I needed a good laugh and a diet Dr. Pepper sinus rinse this morning!

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