Caption That Cover: Nip/Suck Edition

Kimberly sent me a link to the following cover, and I stared at it for a good ten minutes.

Please, for the love of all that is holy, tell me what happened to this guy? Caption this cover! You’ve got 24 hours, and I’ve got a $25 gift certificate to the bookstore of your choice, if you can caption this cover and tell me… what went wrong, oh, so very, very wrong?

image

Standard disclaimer: I have no idea what happened to that man. I am not being compensated for this giveaway. Please see your doctor for an erection lasting more than four hours. Do not taunt happy fun ball. It rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs.

Categorized:

General Bitching...

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  1. 1
    Brooks*belle says:

    Bernardo now regretted going to that cut-rate plastic surgeon. 

    Instead of the Sculpted Manly Man package, there was a tragic mix-up and he received the Victoria’s Secret Model Makeover package which included Rib Removal and Breast Implants.

    …the other patient?  She didn’t fare so well.  Her newly sculpted abs itch, her pec implants have drifted into her armpits, and don’t even get her started on what the other “enhancement” procedure has done to her sex life.

  2. 2
    Sharon says:

    Rio, a lonely man, left the Enterprise to retrieve the lonely woman on planet WTF. But when Scotty beamed them up something went horribly wrong! On the plus side, they will never be lonely again.

  3. 3
    StarOpal says:

    Well there’s only one reason I know of for a man to want to get his ribs removed….

    OR

    “RIO: Tales of Frankenstein’s other monster.”

  4. 4
    Jen H says:

    My reaction: Holy cats!

    Caption: This is why steroids and gender-reassignment drugs should NOT be mixed.

    That poor man:(

  5. 5
    Isabel C. says:

    “It was about this time that the Umbrella Corporation began to regret that LSD-in-the-water-cooler experiment.”

  6. 6
    Scrin says:

    Public Service Announcement: health care comes first. See this man? He spent money on cosmetics, and he paid the price. His man-titty implants gone horribly awry and extended use of a waist-shrinking corset let him unable to walk under own power, when he should have been spending money to fix his armpit eczema.

    ——
    Seriously. That dude has a size-8 chest on a size-4 body. And what the FUCK is with those armpits? kfdn fgklnf dflkfd

  7. 7
    Greg Stolze says:

    “Good news bad news, honey.  The good news is, that stomach stapling FOR SURE helped me drop the pounds.  Bad news is, the doctor says I can’t do jumping jacks, wear a seat belt, lower my arms below my shoulders, swim, ride a horse, wear shoes with laces or tight underpants, sneeze hard, sit without slouching, eat Indian food, dance anything other than The Electric Slide, or help you with dresses that zip up the back. But check out the six-pack!”

    -G.

  8. 8
    Scrin says:

    Ergh. Typos in the morning. Do over!
    ————————————-
    Public Service Announcement: health care comes first. See this man? He spent money on cosmetics, and he pays the price. His man-titty implants went horribly awry and extended use of a waist-shrinking corset left him unable to walk under own power, when he should have been spending money to fix his armpit eczema.
    ———————————————

    “It was about this time that the Umbrella Corporation began to regret that LSD-in-the-water-cooler experiment.”

    You win. My only hope for victory lies that the judges are not familiar with Resident Evil.

  9. 9
    JenC says:

    Man boobs? Missing ribs? Embarrassing armpit hair? Don’t worry. At Matchthat.com you’re guaranteed to find someone who will think you’re sexy.

  10. 10
    Tamara Hogan says:

    “Never Mind the Microencephaly.”

  11. 11
    Amanda says:

    It seemed to Rio that somehow the Genie got the proportions off.

  12. 12
    kirshpgh says:

    Wow. Sometimes I wish my eyes had a Gaussian Blur function. 

    (Not an entry, just stunned by some of the covers EC puts out ).

  13. 13
    Laurel says:

    Emilio could only be grateful that he had not permanently removed his armpit hair as every other portion of his physique remained in permanent androgynous obscurity. He had been assured that the pec implants would look manly in the bedroom but with a little duct tape could fill out the sparkliest of drag gowns. The effects of years in the corset, however, had taken their toll and the combined effect could no longer swing both ways. A man’s body in a woman’s shape would be his burden to bear from now on.

    At least his self-imposed deformity allowed for more of the red font to show on the book’s cover. For this small thing, he was grateful.

  14. 14
    Sarah W says:

    Ask any turkey farmer:  this is what happens when you breed for pecs and pipes.

  15. 15
    Cate says:

    Women Who Love Men Who Love Women…‘s Undergarments: True Tales From Under the Corset!

  16. 16
    JamiSings says:

    Rio wasn’t any man. In fact, he wasn’t a man at all. He was an angel sent down from earth to convince future president Cynthia Williams that her plans for dealing with terrorists would destroy God’s plan for the world. To do this he based his body on what humans find most sexy about men. However, demoness Mira slipped in a couple of doctored images. So now Rio has the chest of Fabio, the waist of a female underwear model, and the crotch of a Ken doll.

  17. 17
    TheDuchess says:

    “Got electrolysis?”

    All I can say is I’m running on very little sleep here.

    summer96… was almost 15 years ago.

  18. 18
    Lauren says:

    Someone enterprising gentleman has clearly taken SIR MIX A LOT’S GUIDE TO A BETTER BODY a little too literally:
    When a GUY* walks in with an itty bitty waist
    And a round thing in your face You get…
    sprung?

    ( That’s one disturbing “Wowza”).

  19. 19
    Libby says:

    When his model canceled at the last minute, the photographer had no choice but to come up with a solution fast.  Thank goodness for his crafting skills and the spare Ken doll he had in his bag.

  20. 20
    Donna says:

    Oh, hells no. It is way too early in the morning for this. I’m going to need more coffee and a higher level of conciousness.

  21. 21
    quichepup says:

    His name is Rio and he walks on the sand…ever since a shark took a bite out of his ribcage.

  22. 22
    LEW says:

    Tristan was never the same after visiting the Korowai tribe on Rib Wednesday.

  23. 23
    Zita Hildebrandt says:

    Unbeknownst to Rio, the natives had sprinkled their patented shrinking powder onto his head while they were preparing him for the “King for a Day” ceremonies. When he realized that the hot tub was actually a soup pot, Rio regaled them with Tales of the Shareem while belly dancing to the beat of the drums.

    And how appropriate is story66?

  24. 24
    Jennifer Armintrout says:

    I don’t even have an entry.  I’m just agog.  AGOG.

    Why is his arm so effing big and his head so effing tiny?!

  25. 25
    Sara says:

    The part that keeps mesmorizing my eyes is the curve above the words on the right.  It looks like a giant schlong coming out of his belly button.

  26. 26
    Castiron says:

    He had thought that the Magical Rolex Armband would remove his armpit hair and thin down his waist. Alas, his copy of the Meaning of Magic Runes dictionary had reversed those two entries.

  27. 27
    Natalie Arloa says:

    Someone up in Olympus hated him, and he was pretty sure he knew who it was—Zeus had a nasty sense of humor. What else could explain Ares wandering around earth with his head and lower regions in human size, but his chest and arms at Greek god size? The woman in front of him didn’t look awed, she looked puzzled. When he got back, he was going to stick that thunderbolt somewhere unpleasant.

  28. 28
    darlynne says:

    Rio. She looked at him, she looked at her man. She looked back at him, at the man her man could be if he didn’t look like a man wearing a lady’s corset over a shark bite. Tales of the Shareem.

  29. 29
    Randi says:

    @darlynne: ROFLMAO! You win!

  30. 30
    Vicki says:

    Jared stared in horrified fascination at the third leg now sprouting from his surgically widened hips. Was this truly necessary to fit in with the alien population on Tripod?

    or

    Did you really think wings sprouted from shoulders? the fallen angel asked. This location and angle gives a great advantage in warfare.

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