An anonymous reader sent me this recap of her thoughts while reading Men of Danger, an erotic anthology headlined by Lora Leigh.
Hannah’s Luck, by Lora Leigh
You know you’re reading a Lora Leigh story when the hero is as terse as he is tumescent and the heroine is so copiously wet from the mere thought of him that she needs her own herd of lifeguards to rescue the surrounding populace from the continual flash-floods.
The word “explode” is used in ways that are meant to be sexy but are, instead, very very disturbing.
He wanted to feel that tight little pussy exploding around his cock…
Groaning her name he felt his balls jerk, his semen exploding from the tip of his cock…
On a purely nitpicking note, I’m fairly sure that there is a comma missing from that previous sentence. Also, there should be a one-time limit on the number of times that variations of the word “explode” is used in the same sex scene. (Yes, the above was from the same scene.)
His hand slapped against the shower wall as he fought for the strength to hold them both upright. His release pumped from him, sending lightning-hot surges of ecstasy racing from his balls to the base of his spine where they exploded in a feeling so intense it weakened his knees.
Seven pages later…
As Hannah fought, the bathroom seemed to explode.
I laughed out loud. At work.
Reckless, by Red Garnier
You know you’re reading an erotic story when a womb “clenches” within the first 5 pages. (Perhaps it’s afraid of exploding semen.) Another clue is when the hero and heroine say something along the lines of, “We have to leave right now to get away from the evil villain!” and then take a moment (oh, just 3 or 4 pages) to grope each other and exchange body fluids.
Sadly, even in a really good story, things that should never explode are exploding in places where they shouldn’t:
Butterflies exploded in her stomach.
On the plus side, at least it’s not a body part that’s exploding this time (Lora Leigh, I’m looking at you!)
The biting bulge of his erection scraped against her stomach.
Does that thing need a muzzle? I’m sorry, if it bites, I’m not letting it out.
And the first prize in the category of, “Really? Is that really the word you wanted to use there?”, goes to:
he caressed through the soaked fabric, using three fingers to expertly stroke the tenderized flesh lying desperately in wait under her panties…
No wonder it’s “weeping” a page later.
Well, that and the fact that:
His hands continued to mold her, goading her with the biting press of his hardness….
It’s biting again. Obviously, some sort of obedience school is needed before animal control has to get involved.
Tempt Me, by Alexis Grant
“I will be back at nineteen hundred hours, sharp, ma’am,” he said.
“In plain English, sir,” she said with a wide grin. “And will you cut the ma’am and just call me Anita?”
“Six pm, Ms. Brown.” He smiled.
He also must have flunked basic training. Nineteen hundred hours is 7pm. Six pm is eighteen hundred hours. Oops.
You know, once is possibly an editing error. When the author did it a second time, I lost all respect for her and any desire to read the story and skipped ahead to the last one. Could it be my annoyance that such a glaring, yet oh-so-easily-avoided, mistake persisted throughout? Could it be I’m just a nitpicky that way? Could it be that I’m a veteran and when the supposed member of some super-badass military force constantly says and/or thinks “nineteen hundred hours” when he purportedly means “6pm”, it drives me up the freaking wall?
Yes. Yes, it could.
So which is worse: expoding, biting, tenderizing, or misusing military time?
I HATE the word exploded in context of romance. Why? Because it makes me think of the Death Star from Star Wars blowing up! *shakes head*
That said, the military time mistakes would render me unable to read the darn story too. I think if you have a military member in your family, that becomes a really glaring mistake.
I was always told that Ms. should be used if you don’t know a woman’s marital status. (that way you can’t offend someone.) in italy, you have to call a woman you don’t know a signorina because if they aren’t married, you might offend them (because if you call them signora, they may think that you see them as old).
For me the worst is definitively tenderized. I’m also disturbed by the way the tenderized flesh is ‘lying desperately in wait’.
Coincidentally, I read my first Lora Leigh last night, in an anthology called The Magical Christmas Cat. Now I’m wishing I’d stopped to check Smart Bitches before buying it, as this may have given me pause. I found it disturbing for all the reasons mentioned here. I’ve decided to give up on Christmas themed romance stories. Even without scary sex imagery they’re just too damn saccharine. Nalini Singh’s contribution isn’t enough to redeem the anthology.
Why must you be so nasty? I simply don’t understand where such immense negativity and aggression comes from.
As Liz said: Ms is a polite term to use when you don’t know the marital status of a woman, and is the preferred term of many women (esp professional women) who feel that their martial status is no one’s business (men not having a title that changes with martial status).
Wow, JamiSings, that’s a bit of an overreaction. Fine if you want to be referred to as Miss, I will gladly do so – as long as you extend me the same courtesy and call me Ms.
But to be honest, I don’t see what my marital status has to do with anything, especially when it doesn’t change how men are referred to.
Again with the clenching wombs. When did we decide womb is synonymous with vagina? That’s just stupid.
Babies belong in wombs, dicks go in vaginas. I did a whole blog post on it just because it annoys me.
The hero’s dick might bump up against the heroine’s cervix, but that doesn’t really make for a sexy sex scene. I know it’s hard to come up with original descriptions of sex, or original ways of conveying sexual ecstasy in prose, but rearranging internal organs is not the answer.
I’m joining the chorus, JamiSings. Really, that’s all you took from that hilarious post? You’re so angry that I have never been and will never be married, much less divorced, and don’t think anyone else really cares (or should care) about that? That sounds remarkably like people thinking my gay friends getting married somehow affects someone else’s marriage. Everyone else here calls me Lotta – you can call me Ms Jones until the sun don’t shine. Sideways.
Or in, for that matter.
This is what I was taught in my high school typing class years before feminism came about. There was no controversy about it, it simply was the title used when the marital status was unknown.
FWIW, I learned to type on a manual typewriter, a Royal, and I had to press the red “Royal” logo on the front to pop up the top the change the ribbon.
Years later when I was in the work force I bought a copy of New York Magazine, and there was the first copy of a new magazine called Ms. I remember thinking at the time that I probably should keep it because it might be worth something some day. I hung on to it for years, but eventually lost it in a move.
Oh honey, unclench. You’ll hurt something you might need later.
Well, if you insist… It’s longer to type than “Ms”, but long titles are more impressive, I suppose.
24 hour time is used in train schedules throughout Europe to avoid confusion. For a while I had to use it (in a non-military US setting) when filling out overtime requests for the same reason. There’s no way an author can’t figure this out. That said, it could have been just the sort of brain fart that everyone makes occasionally, and that makes an author cringe every time she sees it thereafter. I’d go with “tenderized” as most upsetting.
Incidentally, last night I had dinner with a Spanish friend who started describing the howlers in a thriller which I will tactfully leave nameless; apparently one scene takes place in Seville, and begins with the hero being pursued through the streets at 5:30 in the morning, afraid that he will be found because the sun is rising. (Due to the fact that Spain is west of England but on European not GMT time, the sun doesn’t rise much before 7:00 AM at any time of year.) However he is saved when suddenly all the doors of the houses open and a crowd emerges to go to morning Mass at the Cathedral. (Only about 20% of Spaniards are practicing Catholics, meaning that they go to weekly Mass on Sundays, certainly not at 6:00 in the morning on a weekday.) Furthermore, everyone is dressed in black and the women are wearing lace mantillas. (Ummm…Zara and Desigual are Spanish clothing chains. Last time I checked, they were good on denim skirts. Not so many black lace mantillas.) The hero succeeds in slipping away from the Mass during communion at the beginning but is unable to escape from the cathedral (because no one goes to mass at a parish church) because the doors have been locked (because there’s no such thing as a fire code, and no one ever arrives late to morning mass because they overslept or were putting the finishing touches on their mantilla). So he runs up the stairs of the cathedral tower, pursued by the bad guys, and eventually throws one of them down the stairs. As any printed or online tour guide to Seville will tell you, what makes the “giralda” or bell tower of the Cathedral famous and special is that it was constructed without stairs, but with ramps, actually specifically ramps that were wide enough for two men on horseback to pass each other. In other words, it’s wider and more gently sloping (and at least as smoothly paved) as some driveways I’ve seen in the US. Throwing someone down on one of those ramps would make them mildly bruised, and pretty mad, but certainly wouldn’t be fatal.
So it’s not just in romance novels that such gaffes occur. But I have to say at a certain point they cross the line from annoying into hilarious. My friend would have shared more with me but she had to go to bed early so she could get up on time and adjust her mantilla for early Mass. 😉
And yet “Ms” Leigh is a best seller and will probably continue to be a best seller. Readers want things changed, stop buying the books that annoy them so much. Is being bitchy and snarky the way to be popular these days?
I agree with a lot of the comments about some of the phrasing of sex scenes, but, there is a way to give a constructive review or critique of a book in a manner that is respectful.
WOW! The review sure generated a lot of feedback and some interesting points.
1. This wasn’t a review. It really was random thoughts I had while reading the anthology. An actual review would have actually reviewed the stories and pointed out what did and didn’t work for me.
2. I never said that I wanted anything changed, other than Grant’s complete failure at military time. That is something that I would like changed—if you are going to call someone a bad-assed military guy (or fireman or cop), get the details right or don’t bother.
3. The only two stories I read in their entirety were Leigh’s and Garnier’s. Leigh’s was entertaining, if occasionally unintentionally funny. Garnier’s was quite good, despite a couple of the more cringe-worthy word choices. I’d recommend either if you like erotica with a pinch of suspense. (There—a bit of a review for ya!)
4. Since I was “bitchy and snarky” before bitchy and snarky were cool, I couldn’t say whether or not it’s the way to be popular. If it is, well, I’d say you’re well on your way.
Thanks for the laugh of the day. It sounds as though any of these stories could be a serious contender for the Bad Sex In Faction Award.
Fiction, dammit, fiction!
This must be your first rodeo, Sue.
Kristina! Yes! I just finished “Black Jack” a couple of days ago, and you’d swear LL was paid by the pussy.
She writes an entertaining yarn, but I tell ya, it wouldn’t kill her to have a friend proof her work before it gets published, because typos and continuity errors abound. It pulls me out of the story much more than biting cocks and tenderized girly bits. Does the publishing house figure that she’s such a no-brainer sale that they don’t need to waste money on a copy-editor?
Nadia, that’s Ms. Nadia if you’re nasty. 😉
Agree heartily that the delete button should be used more often than the pressing the pleasure button for exploding good times. I’ve read one and a half LL “romances” and have to say the romance, for me, was not there. Body parts do not a romance make—it happens in heart and head.
I like to read anthologies as a way to find new authors, and recently read one that included Rachel Gibson (contemporary) with two historical authors. I yawned through the multi-page bedding scenes featuring anatomy, and tab A in slot B detail, until, with Rachel in control, one sentence caused a flash of recognition in my chest. Like a straight shot of adrenaline to the heart. Why? Gibson’s writing CAUSED me to react, in part because it was so unexpected to have a character say something that literally FELT true.
That’s what will send me out to look up another Gibson book today. MHO: authors, or maybe publishers, use extreme gynecology to titillate readers and neglect the difficult art of eliciting emotion through believable character interaction.
Hilarious post. Reminds me of a Florida-set mystery I read once in which the author decided to go into detail describing the palm-tree lined main street of a town full of art deco buildings. Well, this was a town I have actually lived in, and it’s landlocked in the northern part of the state. We’re talkin’ moss-draped pine trees and Georgian architecture. Made me laugh out loud.
I must confess, I like the pet peeves posts. The extreme reactions to arousal usually make me laugh (and add something special, if unintended, to the book – a crackalicious something), but one that drives me crazy is when a supposedly professional woman becomes so distracted by the moisture hitting her drawers that she can’t concentrate on her job. I have put down more than book because of that one.
OT—- Would that be Tallahassee? Because I lived there for 4 years and your description pretty much nails it. (The wisteria that festoons the trees in the spring is just lovely!)
Biting and tenderized both make my womb clench and legs cross. Not weep. Weeping == trip to clinic.
@Kinsey—must read your blog on the relocation of wombs and vaginas. I hope you cover the proper way to breech a cervix with a huge biting untamed cock.
@JoAnn—extreme gynecology. Sounds like a great idea for a new reality show.
It use to be called smart ass, and now it’s snark, which sounds so much more pleasant.
had73. I’ve had 73 incidents of crossing legs while reading this blog.
It would appear so. I think some places can try too hard to be that way (not SB though). Though some of the comments can go a bit overboard at times.
I like snark and bitchiness in small doses, but it can get pretty tiring. It’s best to avoid places you know are heavy on the snark if you don’t like it, or are not in the mood for it. That’s what I do. Sometimes it’s funny to me, and other times, not so much. If you’re visiting a blog titled Smart Bitches though, it’s pretty clear you’re going to encounter some bitchiness here. 😉
I just wanna have drinks with the anonymous author of the commentary and Marguerite Butler – creator of the drinking game to accompany the anthology of our extended discussion.
All you SB contributors rock!
So, do you think whoever tenderized her flesh used Adolph’s Meat Tenderizer or one of those big mallet thingies? Either way, quite painful, one would think.
Not sure I should weigh in on the Ms. issue as it is off the original topic, but many professional married women have not changed their names to match their husbands, and therefore neither Miss or Mrs. is correct. My husband is Mr. D, I am Ms. F. (Mrs. F used to be my Mother and Mrs. D is my Mother-in-Law.)
On the original topic, I think I agree with AmberG’s first post: wrong time is irritating, but explosions and biting is cringe-worthy and would turn me off even more.
after reading the article and all the comments I can’t help but wonder WTF is going on in other people’s pants…
Tenderized? Explosive? I think Mythbusters did an episode on that one. Can you tenderize a steak with an explosion?
Maybe that’s what the hero of the book was trying to find out…
Katherine makes a good point. I am also the Ms. Myname to my husband’s Mr. Hisname. I am not a Miss or Mrs. either.
In the end, however, people should be addressed the way they prefer. Though etiquette calls for name changers to be Mrs. John Hisname, and those whose marital status is uncertain to be addressed as Ms. Jane Hername, people should always be titled the way they prefer to be. So if a grown single woman wants to be a Miss Jane Hername, or a married name changer a Mrs. Jane Hername, so be it.
Still nothing to get yer panties into a knot over. I don’t send mail back when it’s addressed to Mr. and Mrs. My husband’s name.
Heck, even Miss Manner’s approves of the use of Ms. (In fact, Miss Manners is often less stuffy and old-fashioned than you would assume). IIRC, her stance is that you use Ms. to eliminate the guesswork if you don’t know a woman’s marital status, and otherwise, you refer to a person the way they prefer to be addressed. It goes both ways – if you don’t approve of Ms., you still use it for those women who prefer it; and you call the old woman who preferes to be Mrs. John Hubbysname just that, even if it offends your feminist sensibilities.
Good God, they bite now??
Spamword: their38. Have the obsessive instinct to correct this to they’re38. Must resist.
Ur, ahem. Sorry, but is that cover art freaking the hell out of anyone else?
I finally clicked through to get a bigger version of it, but it still looks less like reflective RayBans and more like the distortion from really thick, “Coke-bottle bottom” lenses to me. Which…sorry, SO not sexy to me. Even though there but for the grace of featherlight lenses go I.
times57 Heinz 57 times freakier
I actually read this anthology.
LL is kinda pure escapism. I know SEALS don’t base inland but it’s a story to have a drink and bag of chips with.
The military time thingie drove me nuts, I checked that sentence twice.
What drove me up the wall was the choppy ending of the story. Over done, finito, never saw the end, actually turned the page thinking it twas the end of a chapter.
Spamword: year78, yes, I’m trying for 78 romances this year.
What really does drive me up the wall are writers who write Scottish romances. Argh, the fake dialects, the tall, brawny hero. Scots really aren’t that tall, think more Rebus.
Ooh, I may have to add this onto my “Cheesy Reading 2010” list, although I think the military time hose-ery would be the most annoying about the whole thing. I’d still like the opportunity to decide 😉
I’m Ms. Karen, tho I’ve never married. Frankly now that I’m within a stone’s throw of 50, I’m just too damned old and cranky to be “Miss Karen” and I’ve never been Mrs. I object to being called bitchy and snarky; I’m the complete opposite. I’m snarky and bitchy. (thankyouverymuch).
Deep84—uh, not if there are biting penises running around unchecked….
Lindsay, thank you for mentioning darling Miss Manners! I adore and worship Judith Martin. She has a lovely essay about the historical roots of Ms. as an abbreviation for Mistress—a term we’ve now sexualized and thus made useless as an everyday title, but which originally served the same purpose as “Mister”—a polite form of address that could be used regardless of marital status. It’s older than Miss and more versatile, and she applauds its resurgence in common usage.
Goodness, I don’t manage to get as het up as JamiSings when I receive mail that fails to use my correct title, Dr. MyName (Dr. HisName is my husband), even though I’m far more attached to Dr. than I ever was to Miss or Ms. There are more important things with which to concern myself…such as going to whatever lengths are necessary to keep my womb safe from weeping or clenching. 😉
Hm, my word is “reported33”. I am reported to be 33, but perhaps I’m an old-looking 21 or a fresh-faced 50.
I had to write after reading this. I have not read this anthology, will not now because I would have thrown it down in disgust. However, thanks to your anonymous reader, I got more than my money’s worth from this.
God, sign me up. I’ve been thinking this for a few years now. If enough people did it…. Although the postage cost….
I’m so sick of this kind of erotica. Lately all I can read is m/m, because they tend to call things what they are, and the use of terms such as “dark tunnel of love” are the exception rather than the norm (my husband is getting freaked out, though).
OK, and military time? Should be obvious, IMO. I mean, even if you have no exposure otherwise, how many military/police/fire romances are there out there that use 24-hour time correctly?
I think for me “exploding” and “tenderized” are tied for the worst. I keep wanting to dismiss the military time goof as unimportant—except then I remember that I have a WWII novel floating around here I’ve never read because, in her acknowledgements, the author thanked “the Greatest Generation of the 19th century.” So yeah, those kind of errors are annoying, all the more so because they can be easily avoided.
I love me some LL, but I’m with y’all on the pussy galore.
I think the tenderizing is the ickiest bit. It does bring to mind the mallet and I see in my mind one of those pre-tenderized cube steaks they sell at the grocery.
Honestly? I try not to think about military time if possible. My time living by a 24 hour clock was not one of my favorites. I probably wouldn’t gave caught the mistake at all. My brain tends to replace the time stated with “blah blah blah hundred hours”.
I recently read a Candace Camp where the hero’s “guts clenched with desire”. All I could think was “ouch”. First, how do guts clench, and second why would they do so in desire.
I think the hero was mistaking gastrointestinal distress for desire … either that or sexy ladies give him gas.
The orgasm euphemisms in romantica just drive me up the wall. So all the exploding and clenching drive me up the wall and not in a good way. Another irritating one is the use of the verb “to bring” as a euphemsim for the slang usage of “to come”. For goodness sakes , nothing is more WTF-inducing than hitting “then, he brought me. Brought me hard. ” AAArgh!!! the only thing worse would be the inevitable explosion. Maybe we should revive beta readers so that stuff like this will no longer be inflicted on the unsuspecting erotica reader?