I received a copy of this book in the mail, and I stared at the cover for a good five minutes trying to figure out what in the name of potpourri was going on there. Take a look:
First, this is one of the worst Photoshopped covers I’ve seen in forever. I can’t even find a digital image that truly showcases the hatchet and machete job of cut & paste that’s going on up in here. In the actual book cover, you can see this fugly line around the couple where they were dropped in front of the rocky background, and it’s so obvious you think it’s embossing, but no, run your finger over it and it’s flat. Maybe someone got crazy with the drop shadow and outer glow tools.
Hold up, here’s a scan.
Check out the outer glow under her bum! Glow fart?! Illuminate the dark in a WHOLE NEW WAY?
But wait, there’s more! On the cover itself, there’s a sheen to the background but not the drag-and-drop couple of Photoshop magic. So his legs, and her leg that’s wrapped around his hip just… disappears entirely. Guess it didn’t make the transition from one page to the next. But they have NO LEGS on this cover. They are legless and floating in mid-air, people. NO LEGS. I just checked twice and nope, not an ARC. You might think based on that graphic that there are legs in the shadows but I am telling you, there are no legs. None. They are magic floating people. Have a look:
This cover is so bad, it wins the Levon Award. What, you’ve never heard of it? That’s because I just made it up.
Levon is a song by Elton John that has really interesting music and the most fucked up lyrics you ever heard. John composes the music, and his lyricist Bernie Taupin writes the words, so I always imagined the creative process of Levon with Elton being all, “Oh, yeah, this is great. Nice piano, building harmony, great song! Let’s see what Bernie came up with…. WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS? ‘Jesus blows up balloons all day? Jesus, he wants to go to Venus?’ BERNIE! What the hell did you do to my song?!”
And thus, this cover earns Drake the Levon Award. The book itself might be awesome, but the cover, it wants to blow up balloons all day. And blow it does.
But the truly odd thing about this cover is… what exactly is that couple doing? What is she doing to his nose? Is he checking her breath? Is she about to tweeze his nosehair with her teeth? Do legless people floating in mid air amid giant rocks really worry about halitosis and stray boogers? Let me know: it’s time to caption that cover!
You’ve got 24 hours, and I’ve got a $25 gift card to the bookstore of your choice for the bestest one. Leave your entry in the comments, and feel free to pimp your faves if there’s one (who are we kidding. You is some funny people) – if there’s SEVERAL that make you spit beverages onto your keyboard.
Standard disclaimer: I’m not being compensated by offering this prize. I am compensated by being able to rant about this ABSOLUTELY AMAZING trainwreck of wtfery that is this cover. I’m not compensated by whatever bookstore I contact for gift card purchasing, and the winner gets to go book shopping – this is a good thing! Standard rules apply. Do not remove tag under penalty of law. This end up. We’ll sell you the whole seat, but you’ll only need the edge. You gonna like it, and that’s a promise.
He had narcolepsy, She had halitosis. They were never meant to be together, but fate intervened and one legless night in a cave was all it took to change thier lives forever.
Injured and legless from an incident with a mechanical bull, John yearns for the day when he can use his only remaining limb below the waist.
Clarisse, herself impaired by misreading the directions on a bottle of Nair, figures she is just the person to cheer John up.
Can Clarisse and John feel the heat sans feet, or will the dark nightmares of their member mishaps keep John’s aching appendage away? Find out now in “No Gait for Dusk.”
Looks like those Azkaban Dementors have a new secret weapon.
See, the thing is, she’s a were-something, and they’re trapped at the bottom of a well full of mercury, which is why you can’t see their legs. Notice the scratches? That’s because she really likes to bite and scratch when she’s in heat (hence the restraining hand about her wrist). Also? She generates her own, personal wind, just for her hair, not for any dude she’s trying to hump / maul / consume for dinner.
I think that the mercury poisoning is why he’s all kissy at her, though. Must be, because … well, who wants to have sex when they’re trapped at the bottom of a well full of mercury? Other than the were-creature, who’s obviously not becoming all woozy on account of mercury poisoning, unlike that dude.
Her: “I can not believe what you just did to me with that flashlight! And how could you just leave it there? I am going to bite your damn nose off you ass!”
She: “Did I just sit on some glowworms? Hey, you got some on your hair, too. Let me get them off…”
He: “No, I like how the light accentuates my manly locks and your heart-shaped ass. Besides, this way no one will notice our lack of lower limbs.”
Even though we don’t have legs, I would follow you to the ends of the earth to smell your morning breath.
Or
Baby, breathe really hard in my face so I can forget our legs have been cut off.
Are you ready for me to wrap my mouth around your long, hard…proboscis?
Okay once I stopped laughing. And snorting.
All I could think was her saying in a corny accent
“I vant to suck your nose.”
Which should wake him up since he looks sound asleep.
And if we had to vote mine would go to Linsalot—the blurb brought on the laughter all over again.
And slowly, limb by limb, feature by feature, they devoured each other.
“You know how to whistle, don’t you? You just put your lips together and blow.”
“Erm, no, you blow, from your mouth, not on me, there, aw hell, lady!”
She was a confused woman with a flatulance problem.
He was legless and naked.
But when they met it was romance – paranomal style!
Wait For Dusk
A Book of the Month Selection from the Cannibals and Garment Workers of America Club.
Jillian will disappear completely from the world at nightfall…
Drake needs the scent of a woman to keep him from passing out…
There isn’t time to WAIT FOR DUSK!
At last! The delectable moment had arrived: Rokko discovered that by blowing gently into Kasaya’s open mouth, he could make her hair pouf out the back of her head. “Do me next” he whispered.
The background looks like some sort of cave paintings of corsets, they’re flying about. So,
Their mutual love of soft-core cave paintings sent palaeontologist-professor-and-rabid-cat-owner Dirk Claymore and his brilliant-(literally!)-but-socially-awkward-(does my halitosis bother you?)-grad-assistant Dannie Scabbard’s passion soaring, but can they keep their feet on the ground when when an unexpected department funding crisis threatens or will their budding partnership be torn asunder?
Yes, THIS!
I do, however, submit: “Darling,” Kassyndra breathed, “since you smell with your ears and hear with your nose … let me yell my ecstasy into your nasal hairs.”
Ah, romance. Le sigh.
I laughed at what Jason said, “the child’s game of Got Your Nose had never turned so Deadly.”
My comment is “Two handicapped lovers one a vampire with a glowing gaseous problem, lovingly covers her lovers nose and mouth with her mouth breathing her own breath into him, large squid seen stroking her as she breathes life into him.”
“I said ‘gobsmacked,’ not ‘goobersnacks.”
“Stop squirming so much baby, you know I don’t have any traction until dusk when my legs regenerate”, he murmured huskily. “Holy ass Scovilles you numbnut! Are you sure that was only K-Y Intensely Intensed and not the Habanero jam your mother sent over?” she squealed.
Wait For Dusk….
Hey, I just ate some onions, do I need to brush my teeth? Here, smell. Stop holding me back and just smell my breath. HHHHHHHhhhhhhh. Okay, is it good?
He was a were-pire cursed with bad breath.
She was born with one leg and the ass of a firefly.
He’ll bring her the excitement she’s always wanted…
And she’ll light up his life the only way she knows how…
The love of the ages brought together by a beacon of hope and a smog of bad breath that nothing could ever surpass!
***
That was a good stress release.
She wanted a man who could find her tapeworm.
He wanted a woman who shone the sun out of her ass.
Together they embarked on a mission to find their legs … and found love instead.
Wo, wo, someone call the La Leche League.
This is a ‘shopped version of their latest how to breastfeed manual.
What, am I the only one who saw the cover and envisioned all those “line up the baby’s nose to your nipple, then wait for the mouth to gape open…”
WHAT, WHAT!?! I can’t be the only one!?
She wanted to go down on him, but there didn’t seem to be any *there* there … perhaps … his nose was so large, and so hard … it was worth a shot.
Mistress Glowbottom, legless siren of the Deep Caverns, moans loudly into Lord Silkypuff’s ever able left nostril as he takes her in her own deep womanly cavern. So deeply, in fact, her Lord was forced to brace his amble rear end against the cavern wall as his legs disappeared into her…
—
Um. I just want to say deep one more time. Deep. Yeah, I’m going to apologize in advance for this.
As a young boy, John had found all the characters in the Wax Museum amazingly life-like. So much so that he had become infatuated with the screaming girl in the House of Horrors. He had always dreamed of what it would be like if she were real. Now, there were rumors about how the characters all came to life at dusk. With the memory of his long ago dreams echoing in his head, John decided to investigate. He was unprepared for the truth, and for the unfortunately placed black lights.
Let it be known that due to a typo Lord Silkypuff’s rear end was described as amble rather than ample. He would like this corrected as his rear is of adequate size but does not enjoy leisurely walks.
One of them can gain legs… but the price is high. One must bite off the other’s nose. Will either be able to mutilate their lover, even for legs?
Sadly, the male’s short life has achieved its sole purpose, and is about to come to an end. Once her egg is fertilized, the female devours her mate, starting with his nose. The male thus provides nutrients to increase the chances of survival for his offspring, his first and final act of parental self-sacrifice.
Her: “It’s eating our legs!! OMG.. Now, it’s on my ASS!!!
Him: “Hold on baby.. I’m almost done!”
I don’t know why, but Castiron brought tears to my eyes.
Anyway, why is her hair flying and his lying flat? Oh…wait, I think I just figured it out.
When regular cave light isn’t working for you and your lover, try GLOW-IN-THE-DARK body spray. Gone will be the fruitless poking and prodding—you’ll both light up the night sky.
Now available in banana flavour.
He found her halitosis and fairy dust butt incredibly sexy. She was so impressed by the schlong so long it wrapped around his arm that she was able to forget their legless floating.
dangerous game LOL
“Rance! Look, Rance, look! I CAN deep throat your stump!”
Mannequin 3: On the Hunt.
She was a Vampire Mannequin. Alive by night. Catatonic by day. And he’s misplaced her legs. Can he find them before nightfall? And does he want to?
I’m fairly certain that she’s attempting to give him a wet willy and that is, in fact, why he’s trying to hold her arm above her head. Poor guy. He apparently discovered the power of levitation so he could remain mobile after his partial amputation, only to have his blind date mistake his nose for a karaoke microphone.
Wait for Dusk: The Neverending Story Part 12
The Nothing is back, but Atreyu and the Not-So-Childlike Empress have bigger things to worry about than their vanishing legs. Will they consummate their love before any more appendages dissolve? Are Fantasia and Eroticon Six really merging? Is anyone even reading?