I received a copy of this book in the mail, and I stared at the cover for a good five minutes trying to figure out what in the name of potpourri was going on there. Take a look:
First, this is one of the worst Photoshopped covers I’ve seen in forever. I can’t even find a digital image that truly showcases the hatchet and machete job of cut & paste that’s going on up in here. In the actual book cover, you can see this fugly line around the couple where they were dropped in front of the rocky background, and it’s so obvious you think it’s embossing, but no, run your finger over it and it’s flat. Maybe someone got crazy with the drop shadow and outer glow tools.
Hold up, here’s a scan.
Check out the outer glow under her bum! Glow fart?! Illuminate the dark in a WHOLE NEW WAY?
But wait, there’s more! On the cover itself, there’s a sheen to the background but not the drag-and-drop couple of Photoshop magic. So his legs, and her leg that’s wrapped around his hip just… disappears entirely. Guess it didn’t make the transition from one page to the next. But they have NO LEGS on this cover. They are legless and floating in mid-air, people. NO LEGS. I just checked twice and nope, not an ARC. You might think based on that graphic that there are legs in the shadows but I am telling you, there are no legs. None. They are magic floating people. Have a look:
This cover is so bad, it wins the Levon Award. What, you’ve never heard of it? That’s because I just made it up.
Levon is a song by Elton John that has really interesting music and the most fucked up lyrics you ever heard. John composes the music, and his lyricist Bernie Taupin writes the words, so I always imagined the creative process of Levon with Elton being all, “Oh, yeah, this is great. Nice piano, building harmony, great song! Let’s see what Bernie came up with…. WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS? ‘Jesus blows up balloons all day? Jesus, he wants to go to Venus?’ BERNIE! What the hell did you do to my song?!”
And thus, this cover earns Drake the Levon Award. The book itself might be awesome, but the cover, it wants to blow up balloons all day. And blow it does.
But the truly odd thing about this cover is… what exactly is that couple doing? What is she doing to his nose? Is he checking her breath? Is she about to tweeze his nosehair with her teeth? Do legless people floating in mid air amid giant rocks really worry about halitosis and stray boogers? Let me know: it’s time to caption that cover!
You’ve got 24 hours, and I’ve got a $25 gift card to the bookstore of your choice for the bestest one. Leave your entry in the comments, and feel free to pimp your faves if there’s one (who are we kidding. You is some funny people) – if there’s SEVERAL that make you spit beverages onto your keyboard.
Standard disclaimer: I’m not being compensated by offering this prize. I am compensated by being able to rant about this ABSOLUTELY AMAZING trainwreck of wtfery that is this cover. I’m not compensated by whatever bookstore I contact for gift card purchasing, and the winner gets to go book shopping – this is a good thing! Standard rules apply. Do not remove tag under penalty of law. This end up. We’ll sell you the whole seat, but you’ll only need the edge. You gonna like it, and that’s a promise.
Hey, if I do this—aaahhhh—can you see my butt-light?
Luminous farts and burps. Stripey Boy just knew that he could impress all his mates with Glow-Bum Girl. If only he could remember where they left their legs…
How to know if he’s THE ONE:
1. Does he gladly check you for halitosis, without barfing?
2. When he makes love to you, do you feel like you’re floating in mid-air?
3. When you’re in his presence, does he make you glow all over, especially your butt?
If you say ‘yes’ to all, then girl, go get ‘im!
She was a wildcat. A three-legged wildcat.
He was a vampire, unable to wake in the daylight. A legless vampire.
As danger approached from all sides, she desperately tried to wake him with her nuclear farts and kitty breath, but it was no use. She have to….
Wait For Dusk!
As the radioactive sulphuric acid fog swirled around them, Kassyndra and Mahgnis realized that not paying attention in CPR training was going to be the least of their worries.
“I’m pretty sure I broke a filling,” she whispered.
“Well, I can’t see with your finger in there,” he muttered huskily. “Geez, stop fighting me; I’m going to have to hold your dang wrist up… Yup, it’s broken.”
The emergency dentist isn’t open yet. They must…
Wait for Dusk.
He wasn’t going to let the double amputation stop his promising career in cave exploration, but could he find acceptance and love with the legless queen of the feral, nose-eating firefly women?
Does anyone else think the man’s head is suspect? Before I read Sarah’s thoughtful and detailed laundry list of issues, my first reaction was, “This couple if the first ever documented set of identical fraternal twins!”
May I suggest an ode-to-Nina Bangs alterna-title? Eternal Pleather.
It’s working—the power of the Ancient’s five-bean chili is working! Allow its mighty force to pass through you, darling, and I know you can propel us out of this cavern!
Also, are those some weird stretch marks on this guy, or was she supposed to have done that? Just sayin’
If some women have The Glittery Hooha, it’s only logical that some have The Glittery Anus.
Or maybe he just, erm, “saved her life”, and it’s his fluorescent sperm shines through…
She was a Were-Mantis searching for a mate…
He was a tortured hero whose last lover preferred drumsticks…
In a world where their love is only limited by her supply of those little Tabasco packets you get at Chick-Fil-A, together they…Wait for Dusk!
“A Must-Read addition to the Cannibal Romance genre.” – Hannibal Lechter
The Disappearing Nose Suckler
Okey-dokey. I have no caption of my own. But I want to cast a vote for Nadia. OMGLOL Good thing I’ve learned to keep away from beverages while reading these posts, or my poor keyboard would be in a world of hurts.
spamword—land92. Hmmm, second cousin to Area 51??
“Glittery Anus” made me laugh till I coughed. Ow.
The “I got yer nose” game took on a whole new danger….
Genetics gone wild…She knows it’s not normal to hear through the nose, but she’ll be there for him. He knows it’s not normal, so what if her butt glows, he’ll be there for her.
“Our legs were so tasty last night, let’s try our noses tonight, my zombie love.”
I feel bad for the author. The first pic you show is what/s been circulating for months now as the cover, but what was actually printed looks to be a mockup file. I wasn’t a fan of the cover in the first place, but at least her hair isn’t chopped out, and that glow you talk about looks to me more like where they didn’t cut enough of the background away from her bum, but again, the printed file you got on your book looks to be a mockup. How could they make such a colossal screwup? And this wasn’t marked as an ARC?
Of course, if you look at what’s supposed to be the final for the previous book, the dude looks like he’s floating on that brick street:
http://www.amazon.com/Pray-Dawn-Fourth-Dark-Novel/dp/0061851809/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1279718344&sr=1-3#reader_0061851809
Fiona knew the shifters could be knocked out with her Montreal Steak Seasoning-infused breath—- but unfortunately, she had to wear rubber panties to control the other side effects of its ingestion.
Upon careful examination, I think that they are not legless, but in a water-filled cave, or possibly urban sewer.
She: “Standing in this makes me want to pee.”
He: “Oh. I thought that was your come-face.”
Or vice versa.
Humping: the Right Way to Do it.
I’m not feeling particularily funny captiony this a.m. so I just wanted to point out maybe they’re supposed to standing in water? Maybe it’s the resolution on my screen, but that thing wrapped around his arm looks disturbingly like a tentalcle. And that makes you wonder don’t it?
Oh, OK. Biting off his nose to spike her cat scratch fever.
That’s all I’ve got. Sorry. Maybe after more coffee.
Um…the first human centipede experiments went even more horribly wrong?
Inception 2: When Dreams go Very, Very Wrong
She’s a rare example of the Shining Rear Vampire. This variety of vampire is notable for two reasons: first, their glowing posteriors; second, that they suck nasal mucus instead of blood.
Shining Rear Vampires are especially drawn to allergy sufferers and toddlers. Due to the latter, parents are reminded to turn off the lights and inspect the backside of anyone they’re hiring for babysitting.
Woman: Make out with me!
Man: Darling, I will. I just need to check you for pus on your tonsils first…
Also, is her left hand supposed to look skeletal? Because it does.
Unfortunately, she didn’t find out about about his fart-lighting fetish until it was far too late.
Ms. Drake, we know it wasn’t your fault. ;-(
“Open wide…wider…I have to see if my legs are down there!”
“The child’s game of ‘Got Yer Nose’ has never been so deadly…”
Jase
vslavetopassionv(at)aol(dot)com
I’m floating in a most peculiar way.
Sarah, just so you know, I had just swigged a mouthful of coffee when I hit the paragraph about the Levon lyrics.
You are an evil, evil woman…
“Never before has a strep throat exam been so erotic…”
“Mmm, breathe harder, baby, I love the smell of those Cheetos…”
dang, i can’t get the image out of my head, so here’s another—
She writhed voluptuously against his hard, muscled body. “Oh, baby, your nose hairs are soo sexy. I wanna eat you up. Rarrh!”
With his crotch feeling tighter by the second, he pinned her hand to the wall and growled, “Easy, my one-legged booty-pie. Let’s not burn out your rear headlights yet. I wanna drive you all…night…long.”
I have to thank Bookshelves of Doom for sending me over here—hilarious.
“After Tarzan lost his legs in the fight against the lions, he was fading fast; Jane knew their only chance was for her to make his signature call to the elephants for back-up.”
“And your nose tastes very different today…”
(Sorry. Couldn’t resist.)
“She intended to win his heart,even if she had to go deep throat to do it!’
Wait Until Dusk…for the aftertaste to die down:)
“I cannot believe this damn fool fell asleep in the middle of showing me how it’s possible to rock climb backward without any climbing gear! Hey, idiot, WAKE UP!”
He’s fast asleep, and she’s about to be; look at that cavernous yawn! Wait Until Dusk, and she’ll wake him with another sweep of those claws on his bare flesh, and they’ll do it all over again… as well as they can with no legs.
(Hee! “art65” – that ain’t art, no matter which of 65 ways you look at it!)
Oh! Maggie Robinson! “Oh. I thought that was your come face” is the best line of romance mantalk I’ve read in weeks!
WARNING: Ripping off the limbs of zombie siblings and teasing them by dangling them just out of reach may be hazardous to your health. (Always start by sucking out the Braaaaiiiiinnnns)